AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ihaveauniquechancetopassanewmodelof
masculinitynotonlytomysonsanddaughter,buttoawholegenerationofboys
andgirls.ThemoretimeIspendworkingwithNiceGuys,themoreIrealizethat
this process represents a powerful tool for giving the next generation a saner
modelofwhatitmeanstobemenandwomen.
Unfortunately, our culture provides few rituals in which adult males help
boysleavethecomfortofanurseryruledbywomen(home,preschool,school)
andenter theworldofadultmanhood. RobertBlydiscussestheimportanceof
theseritualsinhisbookIronJohn.
In«primitive»societies,Blywrites,theboysareprettymuchraisedbythe
womenuntilearlyadolescence.Whenitistimefortheboystoleavethesphere
offemaleinfluenceandmoveintothemen’sworld,themenofthetribestagea
raid.Theyputontheirwarpaint,enterthevillage,andstealtheboysaway.The
women,oncue,weep,protest,anddotheirbesttohangontotheboys.Afterthe
men have taken the boys outside the village for their period of initiation, the
womengettogetherandask,
«HowdidI do? Was I believable?»Inthesecultures, the men and women
worktogethertofacilitatethisprocessoftransitionandinitiation.
Thesedays,boystrytomakethistransitionfromaworldruledbywomen,
buttheycan’tdoitontheirown.Ihaveatheorythatthephasethatadolescent
boys pass through where they dress sloppily, look scraggly, act aggressively,
hole up in their room, slouch, play loud music, swear, and spit a lot, are all
unconsciouslyaimedatmakingthemselvessorepulsivethateventheirmothers
can’tstandthem.Thishelpsthembreakthesymbioticbondswiththeirmoms.
Nevertheless,theseyoungmenstillneedhelpfromadultmalesinpullingaway
from their mothers without feeling guilt and shame and without overly self-
destructivebehaviors.
IbelieverecoveringNiceGuyscanhelpboysfindasanermodelofwhatit
meanstobemaleinourculture.Thisisbecausetherearecertainthingsthatboys
can only learn from men. As Nice Guys embrace their masculinity, they can
teach their sons what it means to be male. This includes how to handle their
aggression, how to handle their libido, how to relate to women, how to bond
with a man, and perhaps most importantly, how to embrace their own
masculinity.Men teach these lessons bothby example and by interaction with
youngboys.
AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ialsobenefitfrombeingwithmyadolescentsons