Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media
phenomenon, and now available in paperback, No More Mr. Nice Guy!
addresses «Nice Guy Syndrome» —trying too hard to please others
while neglecting ones own needs, thus causing unhappiness and
resentfulness.
Dr. Glover, a certified marriage and family therapist, explains why
unfulfilledNiceGuyslashoutatlovedones,andoffersadviceformento
stop seeking approval, express emotion, enjoy a satisfying sex life,
embracemasculinity,formmeaningfulrelationshipswithothermen,and
liveuptotheircreativepotential.
RobertGlover
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
AProvenPlanForGettingWhatYouWantinLove,SexandLife
ePubr1.1
Rob_Cole27.12.2017
Títulooriginal:NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
RobertGlover,2001
Retoquedecubierta:TheEdwardRCT
Editordigital:Rob_Cole
Primereditor:TheEdwardRCT(r1.0)
ePubbaser1.2
ThisbookisdedicatedtoElizabeth.Youaremypartner,mymuse,and
mybestfriend.Ifnotforyou,Iwouldstillbeahopelesslyclueless
NiceGuy.YouaretrulyagiftfromGod.Thankyou.
ForDavid,Jamie,Steve,andGrant.Youarethegreatestkidsaparent
couldwant.Youareeachsodifferentanduniquethatyoumake
parentinganever-endingjoy.Thankyouforallthetimesyouasked,
«Whenareyougoingtofinishyourbook?»Don’teverstopbeingjust
whoyouare.
Forthecountlessmenandwomenwhohaveinvitedmeintothemost
personalareasoftheirlives.Ihavewrittenthisbookforyou.Thank
youforyourinputandsupportinwritingNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
EspeciallyforallthemenwhohavebeenapartofmyNoMoreMr.
NiceGuy!men’sgroups.Youwillneverknowhowmuchbeingapart
ofyourlivesandhaschangedmyownlife.Thankyou.
ForDr.AnneHastings.Yourwisdomandinsightcanbefoundon
everypageofthisbook.YouhavehelpedmebelievethatitisOKfor
metobewhoIam,justasIam.Thankyou.
ForDebbyDuvall.Youreditorialskillshavecoveredamultitudeof
mysins.Thankyouforhelpingmakethisabetterbook.
Introduction
Fivedecadesofdramaticsocialchangeandmonumentalshiftsinthetraditional
family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the
approvalofothers.
IcallthesemenNiceGuys.
NiceGuysareconcernedaboutlookinggoodanddoingit«right.»Theyare
happiestwhentheyaremakingothershappy.NiceGuysavoidconflictlikethe
plagueandwillgotogreatlengthstoavoidupsettinganyone.Ingeneral,Nice
Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about
pleasingwomenandbeing different from other men.Ina nutshell, Nice Guys
believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be
happy,loved,andfulfilled.
Soundtoogoodtobetrue?
Itis.
Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and
resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively
pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately
craveandbelievetheydeserve.ThisfrustrationisduetothefactthatNiceGuys
havebelievedamyth.
ThismythistheessenceofwhatIcalltheNiceGuySyndrome.TheNice
Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are «good,» they will be
loved,gettheirneedsmet,andliveaproblem-freelife.
Whenthislifestrategyfailstoproducethedesiredresults—asitoftendoes
—NiceGuysusuallyjusttryharder,doingmoreofthesame.Duetothesense
ofhelplessnessandresentmentthispatterninevitablyproduces,NiceGuysare
oftenanythingbutnice.
TheconceptoftheNiceGuySyndromegrewoutofmyownfrustrationof
tryingtodoit«right,»yetnevergettingbackwhatIbelievedIdeserved.Iwas
thetypical«sensitivenewageguy»—andproudofit.IbelievedIwasoneof
thenicestguysyouwouldevermeet.YetIwasn’thappy.
As I began exploring my own Nice Guy behaviors —caretaking, giving to
get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding
mistakes—Istartednoticingnumerousmenwithsimilartraitsinmycounseling
practice.Itdawnedonmethatthescriptguidingmyownlifewasnotanisolated
incident,buttheproductofasocialdynamicthataffectedcountlessadultmales.
Up until now, no one has taken the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome
seriouslyorofferedaneffectivesolution.ThisiswhyIwroteNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!
This book shows Nice Guys how to stop seeking approval and start
gettingwhattheywantinloveandlife.TheinformationpresentedinNoMore
Mr. Nice Guy! represents a proven plan to help passively pleasing men break
freefromtheineffectivepatternsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.Itisbasedonmy
ownexperienceofrecoveryandmyworkwithcountlessNiceGuysoverthelast
twentyyears.
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!isunashamedlypro-male.Nevertheless,Ihavehad
countlesswomensupport the writingof this book. Womenwho read the book
regularly tell me that it not only helps them better understand their Nice Guy
partner,italsohelpsthemgainnewinsightsaboutthemselves.
TheinformationandtoolspresentedinNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!work.If
you are a frustrated Nice Guy, the principles presented in the following pages
willchangeyourlife.Youwill:
Learneffectivewaystogetyourneedsmet.
Begintofeelmorepowerfulandconfident.
Createthekindofintimaterelationshipsyoureallywant.
Learntoexpressyourfeelingsandemotions.
Haveafulfillingandexcitingsexlife.
Embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relationships with
men.
Liveuptoyourpotentialandbecometrulycreativeandproductive.
Acceptyourselfjustasyouare.
Iftheabovetraitssoundgoodtoyou,yourjourneyofbreakingfreefromthe
NiceGuySyndromehasjustbegun.Itistimetostopseekingapprovalandstart
gettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
Chapter1
TheNiceGuySyndrome
«I’maNiceGuy.I’moneofthenicestguysyou’reevergoingtomeet.»
Jason,achiropractorinhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstsessionofindividual
therapywiththisintroduction.Jasondescribedhislifeas«perfect»—exceptfor
onemajor problem—hissexlife.Ithad been severalmonthssinceheand his
wife Heather had been sexual and it didn’t look like anything was going to
changesoon.
Jason spoke openly about his marriage, his family, and his sexuality. An
affableman,heseemedtowelcometheopportunitytotalkabouthimselfandhis
life.
More than anything, Jason wanted to be liked. He saw himself as a very
generous,givingperson.Hepridedhimselfonnothavingmanyupsanddowns
andforneverlosinghistemper.Herevealedthathelikedtomakepeoplehappy
andthathehatedconflict.Toavoidrockingtheboatwithhiswife,hetendedto
holdbackhisfeelingsandtriedtodoeverything«right.»
After this introduction, Jason took a piece of paper out of his pocket and
began to unfold it. While doing so, he stated that he had written a few things
downsohewouldn’tforgetthem.
«Icanneverdoitright,»Jasonbegan,lookingoverhislist.«Nomatterhow
hardItry,Heatheralwaysfindssomethingwrong.Idon’tdeservetobetreated
thisway.Itrytobeagoodhusbandandfather,butit’snevergoodenough.»
Jasonpausedashelookedoverhislist.
«This morning is a good example,» he continued. «While Heather was
gettingreadyforwork,IgotourbabyChelsieup,fedherbreakfast,gavehera
bath.Ihadherallreadytogoandwasabouttogetreadymyself.ThenHeather
walkedinandgotthatlookonherface.IknewIwasintrouble.»
«'Why’d you dress her in that? That’s a good outfit.'» Jason mimicked his
wife’s tone. «I didn’t know she wanted Chelsie to wear something different.
AftereverythingIdidtogetherreadythismorning,itwasstillwrong.»
«Here’s another example,» Jason continued, «the other day I cleaned the
kitchenanddidarealgoodjob.
Iloadedthedishwasher,didthepotsandpans,andsweptthefloor.Ithought
Heatherwould really appreciate all that I was doing to help out. Before Iwas
finished,shewalkedinandasked,'Howcomeyoudidn’twipeoffthecounters?'
Iwasn’tevendone,forgoodnesssake.ButinsteadofnoticingallthatIhaddone
andthankingme,shefocusedontheonethingIhadn’tfinishedyet.»
«Thenthereisthe’sexthing,»Jasoncontinued.«Weonlymessedarounda
few times before we got married because we’re both Christians. Sex is real
important to me, but Heather just isn’t interested. I thought once you got
married,everythingwassupposedtobegreat.AfterallIdoforHeather,you’d
thinkshebewillingtogivemetheonethingIreallywant.»
«Idoalotmore than most guys. It seems likeI’malwaysgivingsomuch
more than I get.» Now, looking like a little boy on the couch, Jason pleaded,
«AllIwantistobelovedandappreciated.Isthattoomuchtoask?»
SomeOfTheNicestGuysYouWillEverMeet
MenlikeJasonwalkintomyofficeonasurprisinglyregularbasis.Theseguys
comeinallshapesandsizesyettheyallhavethesamebasicworldview.Letme
introduceyoutoafewmore.
Omar
Omar’snumberonegoalinlifeistopleasehisgirlfriend.Nevertheless,she
complainsthatheisneveremotionallyavailableforher.Infact,everyoneofhis
previousgirlfriendshashadthesamecomplaint.
Since Omar sees himself as such a giver, he can’t understand these
accusations. Omar states that his greatest joy in life is making other people
happy.Heevencarriesapagersohisfriendscangetintouchwithhimifthey
needanything.
Todd
Todd prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect. He
believesthesetraitssethimapartfromothermenandshouldattractwomento
him.Thoughhehasmanyfemalefriends,herarelydates.
Thewomenheknowstellhimwhatagreatlistenerheisandoftencallhim
tosharetheirproblems.Helikesfeelingneeded.Thesefemalefriendsconstantly
tellhimwhatagreat«catch»hewillmakeforsomeluckywoman.Inspiteofthe
wayhetreatswomen,hecan’tunderstandwhytheyallseemtobeattractedto
jerks,ratherthanNiceGuyslikehim.
Bill
Billis thepersontowhomeveryone turnswhentheyneedsomething.The
word«no»justisn’tinhisvocabulary.Hefixescarsforwomenathischurch.
Hecoacheshisson’slittleleaguebaseballteam.Hisbuddiescallonhimwhen
theyneedhelpmoving.Helooksafterhiswidowedmothereveryeveningafter
work.Eventhoughitmakeshimfeelgoodtogivetoothers,heneverseemsto
getasmuchashegives.
Gary
Gary’s wife has frequent rage attacks in which she verbally shames and
demeanshim.Becauseheisafraidofconflictanddoesn’twanttorocktheboat,
Garywillavoidbringingupsubjectsthatheknowsmightmakehiswifeangry.
Afterafight,heisalwaysthefirstonetoapologize.Hecannotrecallhiswife
ever saying she was sorry for any of her behaviors. In spite of the constant
conflict,Garysaysheloveshiswifeandwoulddoanythingtopleaseher.
Rick
Rick, a man in his early forties, is in a committed relationship with an
alcoholic.RickcametocounselingtohelphiswifeRebeccawithhisdrinking
problem. Rick complains that it always feels as if it is up to him to hold
everythingtogether.His hope is that if he can help Rebeccagetsober,hewill
finallyhavethekindofrelationshiphehasalwayswanted.
Lyle
Lyle, a devout Christian, tries to do everything right. He teaches Sunday
school and is an elder in his church. Nevertheless, he has struggled since
adolescencewith an addictiontopornography.Lylemasturbates compulsively,
oftenthreetofourtimesaday.Hespendshourseverydaylookingatsexually
explicitwebsitesontheinternet.Heisterrifiedthatifanyoneeverfindsoutthe
truthabouthissexualcompulsions,hislifewillbedestroyed.Hetriestocontrol
hisproblemwithprayer and Bible study, althoughneitherof these approaches
hasdonemuchgood.
Jose
Jose,abusinessconsultantinhislatethirties,hasspentthelastfiveyearsin
a relationship with a woman he considers needy and dependent. Jose began
thinking about breaking up the day she first moved in. He is afraid that his
girlfriendwouldn’tbeabletomakeitonherownifhelefther.Althoughhehas
madeseveralabortedattemptstobreakup,hisgirlfriendalwaysbecomessuch
an«emotionalbasketcase»thathegetsbacktogetherwithher.Josespendsjust
about every waking moment trying to figure out how to get out of the
relationshipwithouthurtinghisgirlfriendorlookinglikeajerk.
WhoAreTheseMen?
Thoughallofthesemenareunique,eachsharesacommonlifescript:Theyall
believethatiftheyare«good»anddoeverything«right,»theywillbeloved,get
theirneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Thisattempttobegoodtypicallyinvolvestryingtoeliminateorhidecertain
thingsaboutthemselves(theirmistakes,needs,emotions)andbecomewhatthey
believeotherswantthemtobe(generous,helpful,peaceful,etc.).
IcallthesemenNiceGuys.
Up to now we haven’t paid much attention to the Nice Guy, but he is
everywhere.
Heistherelativewholetshiswiferuntheshow.
He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life
seemstobeinshambles.
Heistheguywhofrustrateshiswifeorgirlfriendbecauseheissoafraidof
conflictthatnothingevergetsresolved.
He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses
himselftopleasesomeoneelse.
Heisthemanwholetspeoplewalkalloverhimbecausehedoesn’twantto
rocktheboat.
Heisthedependableguyatchurchortheclubwhowillneversay«no,»but
wouldnevertellanyoneiftheywereimposingonhim.
Heisthemanwhoselifeseemssoundercontrol,untilBOOM,onedayhe
doessomethingtodestroyitall.
CharacteristicsofNiceGuys
EveryNiceGuyisunique,butallhaveaclusterofsimilarcharacteristics.These
traitsaretheresultofascript,oftenformedinchildhood,thatguidestheirlives.
Whileothermenmayhaveoneortwoofthesetraits,NiceGuysseemtopossess
asignificantnumber.
Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel
goodtogivetoothers.Thesemenbelievetheirgenerosityisasignofhowgood
theyareandwillmakeotherpeopleloveandappreciatethem.
NiceGuysfixandcaretake.Ifapersonhasaproblem,hasaneed,isangry,
depressedorsad,NiceGuyswillfrequentlyattempttosolveorfixthesituation
(usuallywithoutbeingasked).
Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy
Syndromeistheseekingofvalidationfromothers.EverythingaNiceGuydoes
or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid
disapproval.Thisisespeciallytrueintheirrelationshipswithwomen.
NiceGuysavoidconflict.NiceGuysseektokeeptheirworldsmooth.To
dothis,theyavoiddoingthingsthatmightrocktheboatorupsetanyone.
Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave
themifsomemistakeorshortcomingisexposed.
NiceGuysseekthe«right»waytodothings.NiceGuysbelievethereisa
key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can
onlyfigureouttherightwaytodoeverything,nothingshouldevergowrong.
Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than
feel.Theymayseefeelingsasawasteoftimeandenergy.Theyfrequentlytryto
keeptheirfeelingsonanevenkeel.
NiceGuysoftentrytobedifferentfromtheirfathers.ManyNiceGuys
report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic
fathers.Itisnotunusualforthesementomakeadecisionatsomepointintheir
livestotrytobe180degreesdifferentfromDad.
NiceGuysareoftenmorecomfortablerelating towomenthantomen.
Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends.
NiceGuysfrequentlyseektheapprovalofwomenandconvincethemselvesthey
aredifferentfromothermen.Theyliketobelievethattheyarenotselfish,angry,
orabusive—traitstheylinkto«other»men.
NiceGuyshavedifficultymakingtheirneedsapriority.Thesemenoften
feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put
others'needsaheadoftheirown.
NiceGuys often maketheir partner their emotional center. Many Nice
Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they
willoftenfocustremendousenergyontheirintimaterelationships.
What’sWrongWithBeingANiceGuy?
WemightbetemptedtominimizetheproblemoftheNiceGuySyndrome.After
all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the
Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and
televisionsitcoms.Sincemenalreadyrepresentaneasytargetinourculture,the
caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than
concern.
NiceGuysthemselvesfrequentlyhaveadifficulttimegraspingthedepthand
seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these
passivelypleasingmen,almostwithoutexception,theyallask,«Whatiswrong
withbeingaNiceGuy?»Havingpickedupthisbookandpuzzledoverthetitle,
youmaybewonderingthesamething.
BygivingthesementhelabelNiceGuy,I’mnotsomuchreferringtotheir
actualbehavior,buttotheircorebeliefsystemaboutthemselvesandtheworld
around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are
«nice,»theywillbeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife.
The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often
anythingbutnice.HerearesomeNot-So-NiceTraitsofNiceGuys:
NiceGuysaredishonest.Thesemenhidetheirmistakes,avoidconflict,say
whattheythinkpeoplewanttohear,andrepresstheirfeelings.Thesetraitsmake
NiceGuysfundamentallydishonest.
NiceGuysaresecretive.Becausetheyaresodriventoseekapproval,Nice
Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy
mottois,«Ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed,hidetheevidence.»
Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing
contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into
individualcompartmentsintheirminds.
Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which
allowshimtodenythathehadanaffairwithhissecretary(orintern)becausehe
neverputhispenisinhervagina.
NiceGuys are manipulative.NiceGuys tendtohaveahardtime making
theirneedsapriorityandhavedifficultyaskingforwhattheywantinclearand
directways.Thiscreatesasenseofpowerlessness.
Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their
needsmet.
NiceGuysarecontrolling.AmajorpriorityforNiceGuysiskeepingtheir
world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and
thingsaroundthem.
NiceGuysgivetoget.ThoughNiceGuystendtobegenerousgivers,their
giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be
appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop
beingangryatthem,etc.NiceGuysoftenreportfeelingfrustratedorresentfulas
aresultofgivingsomuchwhileseeminglygettingsolittleinreturn.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their
frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This
includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not
being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same
annoyingbehaviorsevenwhentheyhavepromisedtoneverdothemagain.
NiceGuysarefullofrage.ThoughNiceGuysfrequentlydenyevergetting
angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of
repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the
mostunexpectedandseeminglyinappropriatetimes.
NiceGuysareaddictive.Addictivebehaviorservesthepurposeofrelieving
stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so
muchbottledupinside,ithastocomeoutsomewhere.
One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual
compulsiveness.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a
hardtimesaying«no,»«stop,»or«I’mgoingto.»Theyoftenfeellikehelpless
victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are
experiencing.
Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked
andloved,theirbehaviorsactuallymakeitdifficultforpeopletogetveryclose
tothem.
NiceGuysareoftenattractedtopeopleandsituationsthatneedfixing.
ThisbehaviorisoftentheresultoftheNiceGuy’schildhoodconditioning,his
needtolookgood,orhisquestforapproval.
Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will
spendmostoftheirtimeputtingoutfiresandmanagingcrises.
Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though
Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their
intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For
example:
Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to
figureouthowtodefendthemselvesorfixtheotherperson’sproblem.
Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are
rarelyavailabletoworkallthewaythroughaproblem.
Itisnotunusual for Nice Guys toformrelationshipswith partners whom
they believe to be «projects» or «diamonds in the rough.» When these
projectsdon’tpolishupasexpected,NiceGuystendtoblametheirpartner
forstandinginthewayoftheirhappiness.
NiceGuyshaveissueswithsexuality.ThoughmostNiceGuysdenyhaving
problemswithsex,Ihaveyettomeetonewhoisn’teitherdissatisfiedwithhis
sexlife,hasasexualdysfunction(can’tgetormaintainanerection,climaxestoo
quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography,
compulsivemasturbation,etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice
GuysI’vemethavebeentalented,intelligent,andmoderatelysuccessful.Almost
withoutexceptionthough,theyfailtoliveuptotheirfullpotential.
«ButHeSeemedLikeSuchANiceGuy»
It is not unusual for unsuspecting people to mistake the passive, pleasing, and
generouscharacteristicsofaNiceGuyforthoseofahealthymale.Manywomen
havetoldmethatuponinitiallymeetingthesemen,theybelievedthesametobe
true.Becauseheseemeddifferentfromothermentheyhadbeenwith,theNice
Guyseemedlikearealcatch.
Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into
Nice Guys' lives and personal relationships. As a result, these men tend to
swingbackandforthbetweenbeingniceandnot-so-nice.Ihavelistenedto
countlesswivesandgirlfriendsdescribetheDr.JekyllandMr.Hydequalitiesof
NiceGuys:
«Hecanbereallywonderfulandhecanalsohurtmedeeply.He’lldoallthe
extralittlethingslikepickingupthekidsandfixingdinnerwhenIhavetoputin
extra hours at work. But then out of the blue, he’ll throw a tantrum about me
neverbeingsexuallyavailabletohim.»
«Everyonethinks he issuchagreatguy and I’m reallyluckytohavehim.
Buttheydon’tknowwhathecanreallybelike.He’salwayshelpingpeopleout
withtheircarorsomethingelsethatneedsfixing.
When I ask him to do something he tells me that he can never make me
happyandthatI’mnaggingandcontrollinglikehismother.»
«He is constantly trying to please me. He will do anything for me except
reallybethereforme.He’llgoshoppingwithmeeventhoughIknowhedoesn’t
wantto.Thewholetimehewilljustsulk,whichmakesmemiserable.Iwishhe
wouldjusttellme’no'sometimes.»
«Hewillnevertellmewhensomethingisbotheringhim.He’lljustkeepitin
and it will build like a pressure cooker. I won’t have a clue that anything is
botheringhim.Andthenoutoftheblue,he’llexplodeandwe’llendupinabig
fight.Ifhewouldjusttellmewhenheisupsetaboutsomething,itwouldmakeit
aloteasier.»
«WhenItrytotalktohimaboutsomethingthatisbotheringme,hetriesto
fix it. He thinks that if I just did everything his way, it would solve all my
problems.HealwaystellsmeIdwellonthenegativeandthathecannevermake
mehappy.AllIreallywantisforhimtolistentome.»
«After all the other crummy men I’ve been with, I thought I had finally
foundaniceguythatIcouldtrust.FiveyearsintoourmarriageIfoundoutthat
hewasaddictedtopornographyandpeepshows.Iwasdevastated.Inevereven
hadaclue.»
«IwishIcouldwaveamagicwand,keepallofhisgoodtraits,andmakeall
theothersdisappear.»
TheIntegratedMale
AfterenrollinginaNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!therapygroup,Gil,apleasantman
inhisearlyfiftiesrevealedthathiswifewassupportiveofhisjoiningagroup.
Nevertheless,heharboredasecretfearthatshewouldbeangryatwhatthename
ofthegroupseemedtoimply—«HowtostopbeingaNiceGuyandbecomean
S.O.B.»UsingtypicalNiceGuylogic,Gilquestionedwhyanywomanwouldbe
supportiveofmenbecoming«notnice.»
Because Nice Guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking, the
onlyalternativetheycanseetobeingniceisbecoming«bastards»or«jerks.»I
frequently remind Nice Guys that the opposite of crazy is still crazy, so
becominga«jerk»isn’ttheanswer.
RecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeisn’taboutgoingfromoneextreme
to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns
doesn’tinvolvebecoming«notnice.»Rather,itmeansbecoming«integrated.»
Beingintegratedmeansbeingabletoacceptallaspectsofone’sself.An
integratedmanisabletoembraceeverythingthatmakeshimuniquelymale:his
power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his
imperfections,hismistakes,andhisdarkside.
Anintegratedmalepossessesmanyofthefollowingattributes:
Hehasastrongsenseofself.Helikeshimselfjustasheis.
Hetakesresponsibilityforgettinghisownneedsmet.
Heiscomfortablewithhismasculinityandhissexuality.
Hehasintegrity.Hedoeswhatisright,notwhatisexpedient.
Heisaleader.Heiswilling toprovideforandprotectthosehecares
about.
Heisclear,direct,andexpressiveofhisfeelings.
Hecanbenurturingandgivingwithoutcaretakingorproblem-solving.
He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through
conflict.
Anintegratedmaledoesn’tstrivetobeperfectorgaintheapprovalofothers.
Insteadheacceptshimselfjustasheis,wartsandall.Anintegratedmaleaccepts
thatheisperfectlyimperfect.
Making the transformation from a Nice Guy to an integrated male doesn’t
comeaboutbyjusttryinghardertobeagoodman.BreakingfreefromtheNice
Guy Syndrome demands embracing a totally different way of viewing oneself
andtheworld,acompletechangeinone’spersonalparadigm.Letmeexplain.
Paradigms
A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life’s journey. Everyone uses
theseroadmapsandeveryoneassumesthemaptheyareusingisup-to-dateand
accurate.
Paradigms often operate at an unconscious level, yet they determine to a
largedegreeourattitudesandbehaviors.Theyserveasafilterthroughwhichwe
process life experiences. Data that does not fit our paradigm is screened out,
never reaching our conscious mind. Information that does fit our paradigm is
magnifiedbytheprocess,andaddsevengreatersupportforthatparticularway
ofbelieving.
Paradigms,likeroadmaps,canbegreattoolsforspeedingusalongonour
journey.Unfortunately,iftheyareoutdatedorinaccurate,theycansendusinthe
wrongdirectionorfruitlesslydrivingaroundthesameoldneighborhood.When
this happens we often keep trying harder to find our desired destination while
feeling more and more frustrated. Even though an individual following an
inaccurate or outdated paradigm may think his behavior makes perfect sense,
thosearoundhimmaywonderwhathecouldpossiblybethinkingtomakehim
actthewayhedoes.
Most paradigms are developed when we are young, naïve, and relatively
powerless. They are often based on the inaccurate interpretations of childhood
experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they are rarely evaluated or
updated.Perhapsmostsignificantly,theyareassumedtobe100percentaccurate
—evenwhentheyarenot.
TheIneffectiveNiceGuyParadigm
TheworkingparadigmoftheNiceGuyisthis:
IFIcanhidemyflawsandbecomewhatIthinkotherswantmetobe
THENIwillbeloved,getmyneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Evenwhenthisparadigmisineffective,NiceGuysonlyseeonealternative:
tryharder.
Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters
when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief
systemsthathaveproventobeconsistentlyunworkable,yetaresoembeddedin
their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is
difficultforNiceGuystoconsiderdoingsomethingdifferent,evenwhenwhat
theyaredoingisn’tworking.
Jason, whose sexual difficulties with his wife, Heather, were introduced at
thebeginningofthechapter,isagoodexampleofthefrustrationthatcanresult
from an ineffective Nice Guy paradigm. Jason had a controlling, perfectionist
fatherwhoputunrealisticdemandsonJasonandhissiblings.Hisfatherbelieved
there was one right way to do everything —his way. Jason’s mother was an
emotionallydependentwomanwholivedthroughherchildren.Whenhismother
wasneedy,shewouldsmotherherkids.Whenthechildrenhadneeds,shewas
oftentooemotionallydistressedtorespond.
Jason learned to cope with his childhood experience by developing a
paradigmthatincluded:
Believingthatifhecouldfigureouthow todoeverythingright,hecould
garnerhisfather’sapprovalandavoidhiscriticism.
Believingthatifherespondedtohismother’sneedinessbybeingattentive
andnurturing,shewouldbeavailabletohimwhenhehadneeds.
Believingthatifhewasneveramoment’sproblem,hewouldgetloveand
approval.
Believingthatifhehidhismistakes,noonewouldevergetmadathim.
Asachild,Jasonwastoonaiveandpowerlesstorealizethatnomatterwhat
he did, he would never live up his father’s expectations. Similarly, no matter
howgivinghewas,hisneedymotherwouldneverbeavailabletonurturehim.
He could not see that there really was no way to do everything right. And
regardlessofhow well he believed he hidhisflaws or mistakes, people might
stillgetangryathim.
Even when his childhood road map failed to take him in the desired
direction,theonlyoptionhecouldseewastojustkeeptryingharderdoingmore
of the same. The only thing his paradigm ever really did was to create a
distractionfromhisfeelingsoffear,worthlessness,andinadequacy.
Inadulthood,Jasontriedtoapplyhischildhoodparadigmtohisrelationship
with his wife. Like his mother, his wife was only attentive when she was
emotionally needy. Like his father, she could be critical and controlling. By
applyinghischildhoodroadmaptohismarriage—tryingtodoeverythingright,
being attentive and nurturing, never being a moment’s problem, hiding his
mistakes—Jasoncreatedanillusionthathecouldgethiswifetoapproveofhim
all the time, be sexually available whenever he wanted, and never get mad at
him.Hisdefectiveparadigmpreventedhimfromseeingthatnomatterwhathe
did, his wife would still at times be cold, critical, and unavailable, and that
maybe he needed her to be that way. Even when his paradigm was just as
ineffectiveinadulthoodasitwasinchildhood,Jason’sonlyoptionseemedtobe
tojustkeeptryingharder.
DoingSomethingDifferent
OneofmyalltimefavoriteSeinfeldepisodesistheonewhereGeorgedecidedto
changehislifebyactingtheoppositeofhowhewouldhavetypicallybehaved.
Ironically,bydoingeverythingtheopposite,hegetsabeautifulgirlfriendanda
job with the Yankees. While doing everything the opposite may not be the
answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things
differentis.
Over the last several years, I have watched countless men «do something
different» by applying the principles contained in this book. These men have
transformed themselves from resentful, frustrated, helpless Nice Guys into
assertive,empowered,andhappyindividuals.
Just like George on the Seinfeld show, when Nice Guys decide to make a
change, interesting things begin to happen. Among other things, I’ve watched
thesemen:
Acceptthemselvesjustastheyare.
Usetheirmistakesasvaluablelearningtools.
Stopseekingtheapprovalofothers.
Experiencelovingandintimaterelationships.
Maketheirneedsapriority.
Findpeoplewhoareableandwillingtohelpthemmeettheirneeds.
Learntogivejudiciously,withnostringsattached.
Facetheirfears.
Developintegrityandhonesty.
Setboundaries.
Buildmeaningfulrelationshipswithmen.
Createhealthier,moresatisfyingrelationshipswithwomen.
Experienceandexpresstheirfeelings.
Dealwithproblemsdirectly.
Developanintimateandsatisfyingsexualrelationship.
Findpeacewiththechangingcomplexitiesoflife.
AskingForHelp
Nice Guys believe they should be able do everything on their own. They
haveadifficulttimeaskingforhelpandtrytohideanysignsofimperfectionor
weakness. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves reversing this
pattern.
RecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeisdependentonrevealingone’s
self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that
menwhowanttobreakfreefromtheNiceGuySyndromefindsafepeople
toassisttheminthisprocess.
I encourage recovering Nice Guys to begin this process with a therapist,
therapygroup,12-stepgroup,areligiousleader,orclosefriend.SinceNiceGuys
tendtoseekouttheapprovalofwomen,Istronglyencouragethemtobeginthis
processwith men. For someNice Guys, the conceptof «safe men» mayseem
likeanoxymoron,butIhighlyrecommenditanyway.
I have been leading men’s therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys for
severalyears.Someofthemostsignificantaspectsofmyownrecoveryfromthe
NiceGuySyndrome(evenbeforeIknewwhatitwas)occurredinthecontextof
12-stepgroupsandtherapygroups.EventhoughIamsureitispossibletobreak
free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most
effectivetoolIknowforfacilitatingtherecoveryprocess.
BreakingFreeActivities
Ifyourecognizeyourselforsomeoneyouloveinwhatyouhavereadsofar,read
on.Thisbookpresentsapracticalandeffectiveguideforbreakingfreefromthe
negativeeffectsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.
This program has worked for countless men and it can work for you or a
lovedone.
Tohelpfacilitatethisprocess,IpresentnumerousBreakingFreeactivities
throughoutthebook.
These Breaking Free activities serve to facilitate the paradigm shift that is
necessary for recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. They will not only help
recovering Nice Guys understand where their paradigms came from, but will
help replace them with more accurate and up-to-date ones. These assignments
will also point recovering Nice Guys in a direction that will help them start
doingthingsdifferently.
BreakingFree:Activity#1
Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to
providesupportforyouinyourrecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up
counselorsorsupportgroups inthephonebook.Write downthreenames
andphonenumbersandcallthemwhenyoufinishthischapter.Ifyouare
employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is
another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a
supportgroup,askthemforinformation.IfyouhaveaccesstotheInternet
youcansearchfor12-stepgroupsorsupportgroups.
Caution
Before you decide to apply the principles presented in this book, I must first
warnyouabouttwothings.
The first is that the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. Nice
Guy!isnotjustafewgoodideastotryonforsize.Itrepresentsachallengeto
everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their
needsmet,andkeeptheirworldcalm.
BreakingfreefromtheNiceGuySyndromeinvolvesaradicalchangein
perspectiveandbehavior.
Tryingtodoithalfwaywillonlyresultinneedlesssuffering.
Second,breakingfreefromtheNiceGuysyndromewillsignificantlyeffect
yourpersonalrelationships.
Ifyouarecurrentlyinarelationship,Iencourageyoutoaskyourpartnerto
readthisbookalongwithyou.TheprogramofrecoverypresentedinNoMore
Mr. Nice Guy! will significantly affect not only you, but also those closest to
you. Though your partner may be supportive of you making positive changes,
theymayalsoinitiallyfrightenhimorher.Readingthisbooktogethercanhelp
facilitatethistransition.
Withthesewarningsaside,ifwhatyouhavereadsofarmakessense,keep
reading.Thefollowingchapterscontaininformationthatcanhelpyoubreakfree
fromtheNiceGuySyndromeandstartgettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
BreakingFreeActivity#2
Whywoulditseemrationalforapersontotrytoeliminateorhidecertain
thingsabouthimselfandtrytobecomesomethingdifferentunlesstherewas
a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to
changewhotheyreallyare?
Chapter2
TheMakingOfANiceGuy
Iconcludedthepreviouschapterwiththequestion,«Whywoulditseemrational
for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to
becomesomethingdifferentunlesstherewasasignificantcompellingreasonfor
himtodoso?Whydopeopletrytochangewhotheyreallyare?»
AfterspendingyearsexaminingtheNiceGuySyndromefromeverypossible
angle, there is only one answer to this question that makes sense: Because it
does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is.
BecomingaNiceGuyisawayofcopingwithsituationswhereitdoesnotfeel
safeoracceptableforaboyormantobejustwhoheis.Further,theonlything
that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one’s self by trying to become
something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or
dangerousthing.
Thepremiseofthisbookisthatduringtheirformativeyears,allNiceGuys
receivedmessagesfromtheirfamiliesandtheworldaroundthemthatitwasnot
safe,acceptable,ordesirableforthemtobewhotheywere,justastheywere.
SohowdidNiceGuysreceivethesemessagesandwhydidtheyrespondto
theminthewaythattheydid?Thefollowingisashortcourseonhowfamilies
andsocietyturnperfectlittleboysintomenwhobelievetheyhavetobe«good»
inordertobeloved.
CopingWithAbandonment
Themostimpressionabletimeinanindividual’slifeisfrombirthtoaboutfive
years. In these first few years a child’s personality is most significantly
influencedbyhissurroundings.Itisduringthistimethathisparadigmsbeginto
be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a
child’s parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our
examinationoftheoriginsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.
There are two important facts we must understand about children. First,
whenchildrencomeintotheworldtheyaretotallyhelpless.Theyaredependent
onotherstorecognizeandrespondtotheirneedsinatimely,judiciousmanner.
Asaresultofthisdependency,everychild’sgreatestfearisabandonment.
Tochildren,abandonmentmeansdeath.
Second,childrenareego-centered.Thismeansthattheyinherentlybelieve
they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them.
Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to
them.
Thesetwofactors—theirfearofabandonmentandtheirego-centeredness—
createaverypowerfuldynamicforallchildren.Wheneverachildexperiences
anykindofabandonmenthewillalwaysbelievethatheisthecauseofwhat
hashappenedtohim.Theseabandonmentexperiencesmightincludeanyofthe
followingexperiences:
Heishungryandnoonefeedshim.
Hecriesandnooneholdshim.
Heislonelyandnoonepaysattentiontohim.
Aparentgetsangryathim.
Aparentneglectshim.
Aparentputsunrealisticexpectationsonhim.
Aparentuseshimtogratifyhisorherownneeds.
Aparentshameshim.
Aparenthitshim.
Aparentdoesn’twanthim.
Aparentleaveshimanddoesn’tcomebackinatimelymanner.
Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect
family, every child has abandonment experiences. Even though their belief
that they are the cause of these painful events is, in fact, an inaccurate
interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the
world.
ToxicShame
These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of
them,createsabeliefinsomeyoungchildrenthatitisnotacceptableforthemto
bewhotheyare, just as they are. They conclude thatthere mustbesomething
wrongwith them, which causesthe important people intheir lives to abandon
them.Theyhavenowayofcomprehendingthattheirabandonmentexperiences
arenotcausedbysomethingaboutthem,butbythepeoplewhoaresupposedto
recognizeandmeettheirneeds.
This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences
createsapsychologicalstatecalledtoxicshame.Toxicshameisthebeliefthat
oneisinherentlybad,defective,different,orunlovable.Toxicshameisnotjusta
beliefthatonedoesbadthings,itisadeeplyheldcorebeliefthatoneisbad.
SurvivalMechanisms
As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of
these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three
veryimportantthings:
1. Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being
abandoned.
2. Trytopreventsimilareventsfromhappeningagain.
3. Trytohidetheirinternalizedtoxicshame(orperceivedbadness)from
themselvesandothers.
Childrenfind a multitude of creativewaystotrytoaccomplishthesethree
goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival
mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For
instance,achild who is feeling lonely may misbehaveinawaythatissureto
attract his parent’s attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem
illogicalforachildtodosomethingthatinvitespainfulornegativeattention,the
consequencesofthebehaviormaynotfeelasbadasfeelinglonelyorisolated.
Tryingtobe«good»—tryingtobecomewhathebelievesotherswanthimto
be—isjustoneofmanypossiblescriptsthatalittleboymightformastheresult
ofchildhoodabandonmentexperiencesandtheinternalizationoftoxicshame.
TheOriginOfTheNiceGuyParadigm
WhenIfirstbeganexploringmyownNiceGuyattitudesandbehaviorsIhadno
idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good
familyandhadlivedaprettygoodlife.WhenIbeganobservingothermenwith
traitssimilartomyown,Iencounteredthesamegenerallackofinsightintothe
originsoftheirownemotionalandbehavioralpatterns.
Whenquestioned about theirchildhood,Nice Guys frequentlytell me they
grewupin«perfect,»«great,»
«LeaveItToBeaver,»or«All-American»families.Nevertheless,thesemen
learnedtohidetheirflawsandtriedtobecomewhattheybelievedotherswanted
them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their
circumstanceswerelessthanideal.
Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different
childhoodexperiences.TheyarealluniqueinthewaythattheirNiceGuyscripts
are played out in their adult lives. In spite of these differences, they all
developedacorebeliefinchildhoodthattheywerenotOKjustastheywere.As
a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that
involvedseekingapprovalandhidingperceivedflaws.Allofthesemenbelieved
thattheselifestrategieswerenecessaryiftheyweretohaveanyhopeofbeing
loved,gettingtheirneedsmet,andhavingaproblem-freelife.
Alan
Theoldestofthreechildreninasingleparentfamily,Alanpridedhimselfon
havingnevercausedhismotheramoment’spain.Asachild,heperformedwell
insportsandschool.Hebelievedthatthesethingssethimapartfromhissiblings
and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a
collegedegree,anotherfactorhebelievedmadehimspecial.
Alan’s father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was
seven.Atanearlyage,Alanmadeadecisiontobe180degreesdifferentfrom
his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-
keeled.Alanworkedhardtoneverbeangryordemeaninglikehisfather.Hewas
an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did
drugsasateenager.
Alan’s mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that
preachedhell-fireandbrimstone.Hecametobelievethathewasa«sinner»for
having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though he always worked
hardtobeagoodChristian,helivedwithaconstantfearthathemightmakea
mistakeandsuffereverlastingpunishment.
Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her
children.Shewouldlistenandwasn’tcritical.Frequently,sheandAlanwould
commiseratewitheachotheraboutallthe«bad»thingshisdaddid.
Onmorethan one occasion, Alan’s mothertoldhimthatshewastryingto
raisehersonstobedifferentfromtheirfather.Shewantedthemtogrowuptobe
giving,peaceful,andrespectfulofwomen.Asanadult,Alanstillstaysinclose
touchwithhismotheranddoeswhateverhecantohelpmakeherlifeeasier.
Jason
Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a «Leave It To
Beaver»family.Inreality,bothofJason’sparentslivedthroughtheirchildren.
Thoughhesawhischildhoodas«ideal»,inactuality,hisparentsusedhimand
hissiblingstomeettheirownneeds.
Jasonbelievedhisparentswere«perfect.»Hedescribedthemasbeingstrict
andoverprotective.Heacknowledgedthathewasshelteredandsexually naive
andadmittedthathemighthavebeensmotheredbyhisparents.
Jason’sfathercloselydirectedthefamily.Jasonreportedthathisfatherstill
triedtocontrolJason’slife.
Jasonsharedachiropracticpracticewithhisfatherwhoranthebusinessand
told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he
shouldattend.
Jason described his mother as a «wonderful, loving woman.» He reported
that she was always involved with the kids. With no friends of her own, she
turnedtoherchildrenforcompanionshipandaffirmationofherworth.
Jasoncouldn’trememberhisparentsshowingmuchaffectiontoeachother.
Hecouldn’tpicturethemhavingsex,andwonderedhowtheymadethreekids.
Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn’t remember
themevergoingoutortakingavacationjustbythemselves.
Asanadult,Jasontriedtoliveuptotheimageofperfectionportrayedbyhis
parents.Everythinghe did was calculatedtolookgood:helookedlikeagood
husband,agoodfather,agoodChristian,andagoodprofessional.Inspiteofall
hisefforts,healwaysfeltinadequateanddefectivecomparedtohisparents.
Jose
A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships.
Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was
physicallyactiveandhisideaofrecreationwastakingahundred-milebikeride
orclimbingamountain.Herepressedhisangerandtriedtoneversayanything
thatwouldupsetanyone.Hesawhimselfascontrollingandacknowledgedthat
hisdrugofchoicewas«recognition.»
Jose was attracted to dependent women. He found it interesting that he
seemedtobeattractedtoincestsurvivors.Hestayedinhispresentrelationship
becausehewasconcernedaboutthefinancialwelfareofhisgirlfriend.Hewas
afraidshewouldn’tmakeitifheleft.
Joseopenlyacknowledgedthathecamefromadysfunctionalfamily.Hewas
thesecondofsevenchildreninalowerclassfamily.Ataroundtheageof14,he
tookontheroleofparentinghisyoungersiblings.Josereportedthattherewas
tremendouschaosinhisfamilyandhesawhisjobasprotectinghisbrothersand
sistersfromitseffects.
Josesawhisfatherasangry,controlling,andabusive.Hewasexplosiveand
demeaningtotheboysandsexuallyabusivetothegirls.
Jose’smotherwasmanic-depressive.Shehadextrememoodswingsandhad
a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house
wouldbespotless,shewouldtalkofentertainingpoliticiansandsocialites,and
shewouldbegindestructivesexualrelationships.Whenshewasdepressed,she
keptthewindowscovered,thehousebecameawreck,andshewouldthreatento
killherself.Whenhewas15,Josehadtobreakthroughalockeddoorandtakea
loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all
sevenkidsstoodbyterrified.Josesawthisasatypicalscenariogrowingupin
hishome.
Joseworkedhardallofhislifeto be different from his family. His family
hadhimonapedestalandhewastheonetowhomeveryoneturnedwhenever
theyhadaproblem.Hisjobasafamilymemberwasfixingchaos.Hisjobasa
businessconsultantwasfixingchaos.Hisroleinrelationshipswasfixingchaos.
Jose’slifescriptrequiredchaos,becausewithoutit,hewouldbeoutofajob.
Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve
problemshis«savinggrace.»Itwasthesefactors,hebelieved,thatallowedhim
toescapehisfamilydysfunctionandmakesomethingofhimself.Withoutthem,
hewasconvinced,hewouldhaveendedupjustlikehisparentsandtherestof
siblings.
ChildDevelopment101
Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all
developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways,
internalizedabeliefthattheywerenotOKjustastheywereandtheirsurvival
dependedonbecomingsomethingdifferent.Tohelpusconnectthedotsandsee
howthreeverydifferentchildhoodexperiencescouldcreatethreemenwithvery
similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child
developmentprinciplespresentedearlierinthischapter.
1. Allchildrenareborntotallyhelpless.
2. Achild’sgreatestfearisabandonment.
3. Allchildrenareego-centered.
4. Allchildrenhavenumerousabandonmentexperiences—theirneedsarenot
metinatimely,judiciousmanner.
5. Whenachildhasanabandonmentexperience,healwaysbelievesthatheis
thecause.
6. Thisnaivemisinterpretationcreatestoxicshame—abeliefthatheis«bad».
7. Children develop survival mechanisms to try to cope with their
abandonment experiences, try to prevent the experiences from happening
again,andtrytohidetheir«badness»fromthemselvesandothers.
8. These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child’s inherent
powerlessnessandnaiveviewofhimselfandtheworld.
FromPerfectLittleBoysToNiceGuys
TheprinciplesabovecanbeappliedtothechildhoodexperiencesofAlan,Jason,
Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book. The progression from
perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: Abandonment,
internalizationoftoxicshame,andthecreationofsurvivalmechanisms.
Abandonment
LikeallNiceGuys,Alan,Jason,andJosewereabandonedinvariousways:
AlanandJosehadanangryorcriticalparentwhocommunicatedthattheywere
notOKjustastheywere.
Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father
lashedoutatAlan.Thisimpliedthathewasn’tworthprotecting.
Alancametobelievethathehadtobedifferentfromhisfathertobeseenas
agoodmanandbelovedbyhismother.
AlanandJasonwereusedandobjectifiedbytheirparents.Theywerevalued
foralwaysdoingit«right»andneverbeingaproblem.Thiscommunicatedthat
theywereonlylovablewhentheyliveduptotheirparent’sexpectations.
Since Jason believed his parents were «perfect» he always felt flawed and
inadequatecomparedtothem.
NeitherofJose’sparentsprovidedanyguidance,nurturing,orsupport.This
communicatedthathewasoflittleornovaluetothem.
AlanandJasongrewupinfundamentalistchurchesthatreinforcedaneedto
beperfectandsinless.
Failuretodosomeanteverlastingpunishment.
Josebelievedhewasvaluableonlyifhewasdifferentfromhiscrazyfamily.
Allthree—Alan,Jason,andJose—believedthatsomeoneelse’sneedswere
moreimportantthantheirown—acommonoccurrenceinNiceGuyfamilies.
All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they
communicatedtotheselittleboysthattheywerenotOKjustastheywere.
Shame
Regardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed,
used,smothered,controlled,orobjectified,allNiceGuysinternalizedthesame
belief—itwasabadordangerousthingforthemtobejustwhotheywere.
Someofthesemessageswerecommunicatedovertlybyparentswhohadno
concernfor thechild’swelfare.Some werecommunicatedindirectlybycaring
parentswhothemselvesweretooyoung,overwhelmed,ordistractedtoprovidea
nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were
communicatedbycircumstancesthatwerebeyondanyone’scontrol.
In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were
telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that
caused these things to happen. Using child-like logic he concluded, «There
must be something wrong with me because ____________.» Fill in the
blank:
WhenIcry,noonecomes.
Momgetsthatlookonherface.
Dadleftanddidn’tcomeback.
Momhastodoeverythingforme.
Dadyellsatme.
I’mnotperfectlikeMomandDad.
Ican’tmakeMomhappy.
These childhood experiences also caused the young boy to believe, «I’m
onlygoodenoughandlovablewhen____________.»Fillintheblank:
I’mdifferentfromDad.
Momneedsme.
Idon’tmakeanymistakes.
Imakegoodgrades.
I’mhappy.
I’mnotlikemybrother.
Idon’tcauseanyoneanyproblems.
ImakeMomandDadhappy.
SurvivalMechanisms
As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate
interpretationoftheseevents,allNiceGuysdevelopedsurvivalmechanismsto
helpthemdothreeveryimportantthings:
1. Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment
experiences.
2. Trytopreventtheseabandonmentexperiencesfromoccurringagain.
3. Trytohidetheirtoxicshamefromthemselvesandothers.
For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following
lifeparadigm:
IFIcanhidemyflawsandbecomewhatIthinkotherswantmetobe
THENIwillbeloved,getmyneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Itisthisparadigm,formedinchildhood,thatguidesandcontrolseverything
Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty
interpretationsofchildhoodevents,itistheonlyroadmapthesemenhave.Nice
Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should
arrive at their desired location —a smooth, happy life. Even though this life
script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying
harder,doingmoreofthesame,hopingfordifferentresults.
TwoKindsOfNiceGuys
The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their
abandonmentexperiencesandinternalizedtoxicshameareusuallymanifestedin
oneoftwoways.Inoneform,aNiceGuyexaggerateshisbeliefabouthis«not
OK-ness»andbelievesheistheworstkindofperson.Icallthismanthe«I’mso
bad»NiceGuy.
The«I’msobad»NiceGuyisconvincedeveryonecanseehowbadheis.He
can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and
adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking
windowsandgettingwhippingsasalittleboy.Hewillrevealrunningafoulof
thelawandmakinghismothercrywhenhewasateenager.Hewilltelltalesof
smoking,drinking,usingdrugsandcarousingasanadult.Heisconvincedhis
onlyhopeforhavinganykindofhappinessinlifeliesintryinghisbesttomask
hisinherentbadness.HeneverreallybelievesanyonewillbuyintohisNiceGuy
persona,butdoesn’tthinkhehasanyotherchoice.
The second kind of Nice Guy is the «I’m so good» Nice Guy. This man
handleshistoxicshamebyrepressinghiscorebeliefabouthisworthlessness.He
believesheisoneofthenicestguysyouwillevermeet.Ifheisconsciousofany
perceivedflaws,theyareseenasminorandeasilycorrectable.Asachildhewas
nevera moment’sproblem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he
followsalltherulestoa«t».ThisNiceGuyhastuckedhiscorebeliefabouthis
«not OK-ness» into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious
mind.Hemasks his toxic shame with a beliefthatallthegoodthingshedoes
makehimagoodperson.
Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious
awarenessoftheir toxic shame, both operatefromthesame life paradigm. All
NiceGuysbelievetheyarenotOKjustastheyare,andthereforemusthidetheir
flawsandbecomewhattheybelieveotherpeoplewantthemtobe.
ImakethedistinctionbetweenthetwokindsofNiceGuystohelpbothsee
theirdistortions.Neitherisasbadorgoodastheybelievethemselvestobe.They
are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the
inaccurateperceptionsoftheeventsoftheirchildhood.
BreakingFreeActivity#3
Itisimpossibletocovereveryfactorthatmightcauseayoungboytotryto
hidehisperceivedflawsandseekapprovalfromothers.Idon’tbelieveitis
essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them
feelunsafeorbad.ButIhavefoundthatsomeunderstandingofwherealife
scriptoriginatedishelpfulinchangingthatscript.
Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these
storiesaresimilartoyourownchildhoodexperiences.Onaseparatepiece
ofpaperorjournal,writedownorillustratethemessagesyoureceivedin
yourfamilythatseemedtoimplythatitwasn’tOKforyoutobewhoyou
were,justasyouwere.Sharetheseexperienceswithasafeperson.Asyou
do,makenoteofyourfeelings.Doyoufeelsad,angry,lonely,numb?Share
thisinformationaswell.
Thepurposeofthisassignmentistoname,ratherthanblame.Blaming
willkeepyoustuck.
Namingthechildhoodexperiencesthatledyoutobelievethatitwasnot
a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you
replacethesemessageswithmoreaccurateonesandhelpyouchangeyour
NiceGuyscript.
TheBabyBoomGenerationAndTheSensitiveGuy
Everychildwhohaseverlivedhasexperiencedvariousformsofabandonment.
There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these
events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible
reactions.Thechildhoodexperiencesdescribedaboveareprobablynotsufficient
in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I
encounterregularly.
IhavenodoubtthatNiceGuyshavealwaysexisted.Therehavealwaysbeen
MarvinMilquetoastandWalterMittykindsofguysoutthere.I’msuretherehas
neverbeenashortageofmama’sboysandhenpeckedhusbands.Ibelievemany
little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be
peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am
convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five
decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented
numbers.
TotrulyunderstandthecurrentphenomenaoftheNiceGuySyndrome,we
havetotakeintoaccountaseriesofsignificantsocialchangesthatbeganaround
the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II. These social
dynamicsincluded:
Thetransitionfromanagrariantoanindustrialeconomy.
Themovementoffamiliesfromruralareastourbanareas.
Theabsenceoffathersfromthehome.
Theincreaseindivorce,singleparenthomes,andhomesheadedbywomen.
Aneducationalsystemdominatedbywomen.
Women’sliberationandfeminism.
TheVietnamWar.
Thesexualrevolution.
TheseeventscombinedtohaveamajorimpactonAmericanboysgrowing
up in this era. These social changes created three profound dynamics that
contributed to the wide spread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the
babyboomgeneration.
1) Boys were separated from their fathers and other significant male
role models. As a result, men became disconnected from other men in
generalandconfusedastowhatitmeanttobemale.
2) Boys wereleft to be raised by women. The job of turning boys into
men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a
result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became
dependentontheapprovalofwomen.
3)Radicalfeminismimpliedthatmenwerebadand/orunnecessary.The
messagesofradicalfeminismfurtheredthebeliefofmanymenthatifthey
wantedtobelovedandgettheirneedsmet,theyhadtobecomewhatthey
believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to
hideanytraitsthatmightcausethemtobelabeledas«bad»men.
20thCenturyHistory101
Thefollowingisabriefoverviewofhowsomeofthedynamicsocialchangesof
thelasthalfofthe20thcenturyhelpedcreatethebumpercropofNiceGuysin
ourculture.
TheLossOfFathers
Theshifttoamanufacturingsocietyandanurbanmigrationinthepost-war
yearstookfathersawayfromtheirsonsindroves.AccordingtotheUScensus,
in1910one-thirdofallfamilieslivedonfarms.
By1940,thisnumberhadshrunktooneinfive.By1970,96percentofall
familieslivedinurbanareas.
In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working
alongsidetheminthefields.Thisoftenmeantcontactwithextendedfamilythat
includedgrandfathers,uncles,andcousins.Thisdailycontactwithmenprovided
boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by
watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their
fathers.AsfamiliesmigratedfromruralareastocitiesandsuburbsafterWorld
WarII,thecontactbetweenfathersandsonsdiminishedsignificantly.Dadsleft
homeinthemorningandwenttowork.Mostsonsnevergottoseewhattheir
fathersdid,letalonehavemuchtimetospendwiththem.
Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men’s addictions to work, TV,
alcohol,andsextookthemawayfromtheirsons.Increasesindivorcebeganto
separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of
divorceamongmen tripled from 1940to 1970. In1940, just over fivemillion
householdswere headed by women. By 1970,thisfigurehadalmosttripledto
over13millionhouseholds.
Ingeneral,theNiceGuysIhaveworkedwithdonotreporthavinghada
close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood. Sometimes this
was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being
passive.Moreoftenthannot,NiceGuysdescribetheirfathersinnegativeterms.
Theyoftenseethemascontrolling,rageful,angry,absent,abusive,unavailable,
addictive, or philandering. It is not unusual at some point in childhood for
Nice Guys to have made a conscious decision to be different from their
fathers.
Theunavailabilityofdadsduringthiseraoftenrequiredmotherstotakeover
thejobofthefathers.
Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately
eventhemostwell-meaningmothersarenotequippedtoteachtheirsonshowto
bemenbythemselves.Thishasn’tkeptthemfromtrying.
IbelievethesignificantnumberofNiceGuysproducedinthe40s,'50s,
and60sisthedirectresultofmothers,notfathers,teachingtheirsonshow
to be male. Consequently, many Nice Guys have adopted a female
perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood
definedbywomen.
TheFemaleDominatedEducationalSystem
The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys
beingraisedbywomen.
SinceWorld WarII,boyshaveenteredschoolsdominatedbyfemales. For
most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to
pleasewomen.Fromkindergartenthroughsixthgrade,I
«I’mavictimofherdysfunction.»
Karl,asuccessfulbusinessmaninhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstcounseling
session with the preceding analysis of his relationship with his wife Danita.
Thoughoversix-foot-twoandprofessionallydressedinadarksuitandtie,Karl
looked like a little boy sitting on the sofa in my office. Karl’s frustration and
helplessnessregardinghismostintimaterelationshipwasunmistakable.
AsKarlcontinuedtotalkabouthismarriage,itbecameapparentthathewas
intimidatedbyhiswifeDanita.Heclaimedshewas«angryallthetime.»When
talkingaboutherheusedadjectiveslike«relentless»and«steamroller.»Because
ofhisfearofheranger,heliedtoherandavoidedinteractingwithher.
«Inmanyways,»Karlrevealed,«Danitaisjustlikemymother.Therewas
justnopleasingMom.Ilearnedtojustavoidherandtuneheroutwhenshewas
bitching.Igotreallygood at lying and hidingwhatIdidn’t want her to know
about.IguessI’mstillprettygoodatthattoday.»
AsKarlbroughtthediscussionbacktothepresent,herevealed,«Everyother
areaofmylifeisgreat.Ifitwasn’tforDanita,mylifewouldbeperfect.Ijust
don’tthinksheknowshowtobehappy.»
IntimateStrangers
Ingeneral,Nice Guys end up in my office for one of tworeasons.Sometimes
some hidden behavior —an affair, surfing for pornography on the Internet,
smokingpot—hasblownupintheirfaceandcreatedacrisiswiththeirwifeor
girlfriend.Moreoften,theircalltoatherapistismotivatedbysomeproblemor
dissatisfactionintheirmostintimaterelationship;theirwifeorgirlfrienddoesn’t
want to have sex as often as they do, she is depressed, angry, unavailable, or
unfaithful(oralloftheabove).
Thesemenusuallybelievethereisasimpleanswertotheirproblem.Some
ofthemaresureeverythingwillbeOKiftheycanjuststopdoingthatonething
that keeps making their wife or girlfriend so angry. The rest of them are
convincedthatiftheycangettheirwifeorgirlfriendtochange,thenlifewillbe
great.
Intimaterelationshipsareoftenanareaofgreatfrustrationandbewilderment
forNiceGuys.MostNiceGuysprofessagreatdesireforintimacyandhappiness
with their significant other. Nevertheless, intimacy represents an enigmatic
riddleforthemajorityofthesemen.
RobertBly,theauthorofIronJohn,writesabouthowthesocialchangesof
theBabyBoomeracreatedanewbreedofAmericanmen.Blycallsthesemen
«softmales.»
He writes, «they’re lovely, valuable people —I like them— they’re not
interestedinharmingtheearthorstartingwars.There’sagentleattitudetoward
life in their whole being and style of living. But many of these men are not
happy.Youquicklynoticethelackofenergyinthem.Theyarelife-preserving
but not exactly life-giving. Ironically, you often see these men with strong
womenwhopositivelyradiateenergy.Herewehaveafinely-tunedyoungman,
ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the
universe,yethehimselfhaslittlevitalitytooffer.»
From a different perspective, Camille Paglia comments on how the social
changesofthe last five decades havechangedrolesof men and women.«The
hard-drivingwoman has to switchpersonae when she gets home. She’s got to
throttle back, or she’ll castrate everything in the domestic niche. Many white,
middle-class women have dodged this dilemma by finding themselves a nice,
malleable boy-man who becomes another son in the subliminally matriarchal
household.»(«PoliticallyIncorrectDesires,»Salon:Issue49)
Regardlessof whether we call these men «softmales,» «sensitive new age
guys,» or «Nice Guys,» the unique combination of social events in the post-
WorldWarII era reinforced and magnified themessagesthatmanylittleboys
had already received from their families —that they weren’t OK just as they
were.
These social events further amplified the belief that if they wanted to be
loved,gettheirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife,theyhadtohidetheirflaws
andbecomewhatothers(especiallywomen)wantedthemtobe.
My observation in recent years points to the reality that the conditioning
describedabovedidnotendwiththeBaby-Boomgeneration.Iamseeingmore
andmoreyoungmenintheirtwenties,andeventeens,whodemonstrateallof
thecharacteristicsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.Notonlyhavetheseyoungmen
beeneffectedbyallofthesocialdynamicslistedabove,evenmoregrewupin
single parent families or were raised by Nice Guy fathers. As I write this, I
expectthatwearejustbeginningonourthirdgenerationofNiceGuys.
TheHabitsOfHighlyIneffectiveMen
As a result of the family and social conditioning described above, Nice Guys
struggle to get what they want in love and life. Due to their shame and
ineffectivesurvivalmechanisms,theroadmaptheyfollowjustwon’ttakethem
where they want to go. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something
different,theirlifeparadigmrequiresthattheykeeptryingharder,doingmoreof
thesame.
IfrequentlytellNiceGuys,«Ifyoukeepdoingwhatyou’vealwaysdone,
you’llkeepgettingwhatyou’vealwayshad».ToreiteratewhatI’veillustrated
before,NiceGuyspreventthemselvesfromgettingwhattheywantinloveand
lifeby:
Seekingtheapprovalofothers.
Tryingtohidetheirperceivedflawsandmistakes.
Puttingotherpeople’sneedsandwantsbeforetheirown.
Sacrificingtheirpersonalpowerandplayingtheroleofavictim.
Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine
energy.
Co-creatingrelationshipsthatarelessthansatisfying.
Creatingsituationsinwhichtheydonothaveverymuchgoodsex.
Failingtoliveuptheirfullpotential.
ThenextsevenchapterspresentaprovenplantoshowrecoveringNiceGuys
themosteffectivewaystodosomethingdifferent.Readon.Itistimeforyouto
startgettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
Chapter3
LearnToPleaseTheOnlyPersonWhoReallyMatters
«I’m a chameleon,» revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. «I will
becomewhateverIbelieveapersonwantsmetobeinordertobeliked.With
mysmartfriendsIactintelligentanduseabigvocabulary.Aroundmymother,I
look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at
workIcussandswear…whateverittakestolookcool.Underneathitall,I’m
notsurewhoIreallyamorifanyofthemwouldlikemejustforwhoIam.IfI
can’tfigureoutwhatpeoplewantmetobe,I’mafraidIwillbeallalone.The
funnythingis,Ifeelalonemostofthetimeanyway.»
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously
calculatedtogainsomeone’sapprovalortoavoiddisapproval.NiceGuysseek
thisexternalvalidationinjustabouteveryrelationshipandsocialsituation,even
fromstrangersandpeopletheydon’tlike.Toddisanexampleofaman,who,
becauseofinternalizedtoxicshame,believeshehas tobecomewhathethinks
other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like
metamorphismisessentialiftheyhopetobeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhave
aproblem-freelife.
The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys
frequentlydotheoppositeofwhatworks.Bytryingtopleaseeveryone,Nice
Guysoftenenduppleasingnoone—includingthemselves.
SeekingApproval
Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a
multitudeofwaystoconvincethemselvesandothersthattheyarelovableand
desirable.Theymayfocusonsomethingaboutthemselves(physicalappearance,
talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even
somethingexternaltothemselves(attractivewife,cutechild,nicecar)inorderto
getvalueandwinother’sapproval.
My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments. Nice Guys
attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince
themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice
Guysdon’tknow what else about themselveswouldmakeanyonelikeorlove
them.
BeingaNiceGuyistheultimateattachmentforthesemen.Theygenuinely
believetheir commitment to being «good» and doing it«right» is what makes
themvaluableandcompensatesfortheirinternalizedbeliefthattheyarebad.
Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that
peoplemightlikethemandlovethemjustforwhotheyare.Theybelievethey
arebad(the«I’mSoGood»NiceGuyisunconsciousofthiscorebelief,butitis
a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to
know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach
themselves to things that make them feel valuable and garner approval from
othersseemsessentialiftheyhopetobeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhavea
problem-freelife.
BreakingFreeActivity#4
I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the
members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval.
Thefollowingarejustafewoftheresponses.
Lookoverthelist.Noteanyofthewaysinwhichyouseekapproval.Addto
thelistanybehaviorsthatareuniquelyyou.Writedownexamplesofeach.Ask
othersforfeedbackaboutthewaysinwhichtheyseeyouseekingapproval.
Havingone’shairjustright.
Beingsmart.
Havingapleasant,non-threateningvoice.
Lookingunselfish.
Beingdifferentfromothermen.
Stayingsober.
Beingingoodshape.
Beingagreatdancer.
Beingagoodlover.
Nevergettingangry.
Makingotherpeoplehappy.
Beingagoodworker.
Havingacleancar.
Dressingwell.
Beingnice.
Respectingwomen.
Neveroffendinganyone.
Lookinglikeagoodfather.
HowNiceGuysUseAttachments
CalisatypicalNiceGuyinthewayheusesattachmentstoseekapproval.Cal
triestogetexternalvalidationbyalwaysbeinginagoodmood,drivinganice
car,dressingwell,havinga cutedaughter,and havinganattractivewife.Let’s
pick one of these attachments to illustrate how Cal tries to get approval from
others.
Callikestodress his fourteen-month-old daughter inacutedress and take
her to the park. From the moment he begins to dress her he is unconsciously
attachinghisvalueandidentitytotheacknowledgmenthethinkshewillreceive
from being a «good dad.» He knows that when he takes his daughter walking
peoplewilllookatherandsmile.Somewillcommentaboutthecutelittlegirl
andher fatheroutforawalk.A fewwillstopandask herageandotherswill
gushaboutwhatapreciouslittleangelsheis.ThisattentionmakesCalfeelgood
abouthimself.
The irony isthat noone reallyvalues Cal for his attachments. Further, his
dependencyonexternalvalidationactuallypreventspeoplefromgettingtoknow
himjustasheis.Noneofthesethingshaveanythingtodowithwhoheisasa
person.Nevertheless,theyarethethingshebelievesgivehimidentityandvalue.
SeekingTheApprovalOfWomen
NiceGuysseekexternalvalidationinjustabouteverysocialsituation,buttheir
quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women.
Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their
worth.Signsofawoman’sapprovalcantaketheformofherdesiretohavesex,
flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the
spectrum,ifawomanisdepressed,inabadmood,orangry,NiceGuysinterpret
thesethingstomeanthatsheisnotacceptingorapprovingofthem.
There are numerous negative consequences in seeking the approval of
women.
Seekingwomen’sapprovalrequiresNiceGuystoconstantlymonitorthe
possibilityofawoman’savailability.ThepossibilityofavailabilityisatermI
usetodescribe the subjective measure ofawoman’s sexual availability. Since
NiceGuysseesexastheultimateformofacceptance,andtheybelieveawoman
must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly
diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In
addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they
believe they must do something quickly —lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self,
manipulate—tofixit.
Thepossibilityofavailabilityextendsbeyondjustsex.SinceNiceGuyshave
beenconditionedby their familiesandsociety to neverdo anything to upseta
woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of
womentheydon’tevenplanonhavingsexwith.
Seekingwomen’sapprovalgiveswomenthepowertosetthetoneofthe
relationship.NiceGuysconstantlyreportthattheirownmoodsareoftentiedto
the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is
angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This
connectionrunssodeepthatmanyNiceGuyshavetoldmethattheyfeelguilty
iftheyareinagoodmoodwhentheirpartnerisnot.
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to define men and
determinetheirworth.Ifawomansaysheis«wrong»orthinksheisa«jerk,»
aNiceGuywillbeinclinedtobelievesheisright.
EveniftheNiceGuyargueswiththewoman’sevaluation,atsomelevelhe
knowsthatsincesheisthewoman,shemustberight.(OneNiceGuyaskedme,
«Ifamanistalkingintheforestandnowomanistheretohearhim,ishestill
wrong?»)
Seeking women’s approval creates rage toward women. Though most
Nice Guys claim to «love» women, the truth is, most of these men have
tremendousragetowardwomen.Thisisbecausewetendtoeventuallydespise
whateverwemakeintoourgod.Whenourgodfailstorespondinthewayswe
expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly
intensifyouractsofworshiporlashoutinrighteousanger.WhenNiceGuysput
awomanorwomenonapedestalandattempttowintheirapproval,sooneror
later,thisadorationwillturntoragewhentheseobjectsofworshipfailtoliveup
totheNiceGuys'expectations.ThisiswhyitisnotunusualtohearaNiceGuy
proclaimhisundyinglovetoawomaninonebreathandthenragefullycallhera
«f…c…»onlymomentslater.
BreakingFreeActivity#5
Ifyoudidnotcarewhatpeoplethoughtofyou,howwouldyouliveyourlife
differently?
If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how
wouldyourrelationshipswiththeoppositesexbedifferent?
Cover-UpArtists
WhenmysonStevewasnineyearsold,heaccidentallypokedsomeholesinour
kitchen table with a ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he
immediatelyshowedhismotherthedamage.
Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his
actions had caused damage to the table. He also knew that he had to take
responsibility.Mostimportantly,heknewhewasn’tbad.
IfIhaddonethesamethingasachild(orevenasanadult),Iwouldhave
hadanattackoftoxicshameandtriedmybesttohideordenywhatIhaddone.I
would have been convinced someone was going to be angry at me and stop
lovingme.Iwouldhavelivedwiththesecretaswellasaconstantfearofbeing
foundout.
Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son’s
situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would
havedonetheoppositeofwhatStevedid—triedtocoveritup.
As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win
approvaloravoiddisapproval.
SinceNiceGuysdonotbelieve theyareOKjustastheyare,theysee any
mistakeorperceivedflawasproofthattheyarebadandunlovable.Theybelieve
that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or
abandoned.Asaresult,NiceGuysareconsummatecover-upartists.
Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived
shortcoming…
Iftheyforgetsomething.
Iftheyarelate.
Iftheybreaksomething.
Iftheydon’tunderstandsomething.
Iftheydosomethingwrong.
Iftheyaredepressed.
Iftheyareinpain.
Iftheygenerallymessup.
TheNiceGuy’sneedtohideisoftenthemostpronouncedinareasthatare
justpartofbeinghumanandalive.
Thattheyaresexual.
Thattheyhavebodilyfunctions.
Thattheyaregettingolder.
Thattheyarelosingtheirhair.
Thattheyhaveneeds.
Thattheyareimperfect.
BreakingFreeActivity#6
Lookoverthelistsabove.Writedownexamplesofsituationsinwhichyou
have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws.
Howeffectivedoyouthinkyouareinkeepingthesethingshiddenfromthe
peopleyoulove?
HidingTheEvidence
Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and
mistakes.Theseinclude:Lying
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy.
Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies,
partialtruths,andomitinformationiftheybelieveitwillpreventsomeonefrom
focusingontheminanegativeway.
DrawingOnTheirAccount
SinceNiceGuysstrivesohardtobegood,giving,andcaring,theybelievethese
actsshouldbuildupacreditthatwipescleananywrongtheymightdo.Partof
the Nice Guy’s belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever
noticethefewthings(ifany)hedoeswrong.
Fixing
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a
mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the
damage.Conversely,NiceGuystrytofixsituationsbydoingwhateverittakes
togettheotherpersontostopbeingupset.
DEERResponse
DEERisanacronymIusefor:DefendExplainExcuseRationalize.Theseare
allfear-basedbehaviorsusedtodistractothersfromfocusingontheNiceGuy’s
mistakes and «badness.» The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER
Responsewhenhehasdonesomethingorfailedtodosomething,andsomeone
(usuallywife,partner,orboss)confrontshimandexpresseshisorherfeelings.
TurningTheTables
If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his
shamewillbetriggered. In an attempttodistracthimselfand the other person
fromhis«badness»hemaytrytoturnthetablesanddosomethingtotriggerthe
otherperson’sshame.Icallthisshamedumping.Thisunconsciousstrategyis
basedonthebeliefthatiftheNiceGuycanshiftthefocustotheotherperson’s
badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques
include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other
person’sflaws.
Walls
Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close.
Understandably,thisaffectstheirabilitytobeintimate,butitalsoprotectsthem
from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include:
Addictions(food,sex,t.v.,alcohol,work,etc.),humor,sarcasm,intellectualism,
perfectionism,andisolation.
TeflonMen
AsmuchasNiceGuystrytolookgoodandgetpeopletolikethem,theabove
defenses keep people at arm’s length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these
unconsciousbehaviorsactuallyaccomplishtheexactoppositeofwhattheNice
Guyreallycraves.Whiledesiringloveandconnection,hisbehaviorsserveasan
invisibleforcefieldthatkeepspeoplefrombeingabletogetclosetohim.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are
notdrawn to perfection in others.People are drawn to sharedinterests, shared
problems,andanindividual’slifeenergy.
Humansconnectwithhumans.Hidingone’shumanityandtryingtoproject
an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and
uninteresting.IoftenrefertoNiceGuysasTeflonMen.
Theyworksohardtobesmooth,nothingcansticktothem.Unfortunately,
thisTefloncoatingalsomakesitdifficultforpeopletogetclose.Itisactuallya
person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to
connectwith.
BreakingFreeActivity#7
Doyoubelievethatpeoplecanseeyourhumanimperfectionsandstilllove
you?
Howwouldyoubedifferentifyouknewthepeoplewhocareaboutyou
wouldneverleaveyouorstoplovingyou—nomatterwhat?
Self-Approval
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms.
Insteadofseekingexternalvalidationandavoidingdisapproval,recoveringNice
Guysmustbeginseekingtheapprovaloftheonlypersonwhoreallymatters
themselves.
Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they
actuallybegin to experience theintimacy and connectionwith others that they
have always desperately craved. To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice
Guyscan:
Identifyhowtheyseekapproval.
Takegoodcareofthemselves.
Givethemselvespositiveaffirmations.
Spendextendedperiodsoftimealone.
Revealthemselvestosafepeople.
Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To
ApproveOfThemselves
Asoddasitmaysound,NiceGuyshavetopracticebeingthemselves.Oneway
tobeginthisprocessistopayattentionwhentryingtoimpressorgetapproval.
RecoveringNiceGuyscanobservethemselvesspendingextratimeontheirhair,
holdingthedooropenforsomeone,cleaningthekitchen,orwalkingwiththeir
childinthepark—justtogetnoticedorpraised.
Asthey become aware ofhow much time andenergy they spend tryingto
garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means,
ratherthanfocusingoutwardforacceptanceandapproval,theyturninward.In
doingso,theycanbeginaskingthemselvestheimportantquestions:
«What do I want,» «What feels right to me,» «What would make me
happy?»
Earlierinthechapter,IpresentedCalasanillustrationofhowNiceGuysuse
«attachments»—thingsoutsideofthemselvestogetvalue.Duringasessionof
individualtherapy,IaskedCaltomakealistofthingsheusedtogetapproval
fromothers.Thenextweekhebroughtinatwo-pagelist.Iencouragedhimto
pickoneattachmentfromthelistandforthenextmonth,payattentiontohowhe
usedittogetvalue.
Caldecidedtofocusonhiscar.Calkepthiscarperfectlyclean,insideand
out.Hebelievedthiswasoneofthethingsthatimpressedpeopleandmadethem
likehim.Hemadeaconsciousdecisiontonotwashorvacuumhiscarforthe
next month. While doing so, he would pay attention to how he felt and how
peoplerespondedtohim.
SinceCallivesintheSeattlearea,hiscarsoondevelopedagrayhazefrom
rainandroadgrime.Onnumerousoccasions,hehadtofighttheimpulsetowash
it.Whenhedrovedowntheroad,he was sure that people were looking at his
filthycarandjudginghim.Whenhedrovetoworkorafriend’shouse,hewaited
forsomeonetoshamehim.Whenhisdaughterdrewpicturesinthedirtwithher
finger,itwasalmostmorethanhecouldstand.
Atthe endofthemonthCal washedandwaxedhis car andfeltasense of
relief.Surprisinglyenough,duringthemonth,notonepersonhadcommentedon
his dirty car and no one had quit liking him or removed their love from him.
Likewise, washing and waxing his car after a month didn’t make anyone like
himbetterorgarnerhimanynewfriends.
BreakingFreeActivity#8
Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this
chapter.Chooseone of the ways you trytoget external validation and do
oneofthefollowing:
1. Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop
doingit.Tellthepeoplearoundyouwhatyouaredoing.Ifyouslip,tell
asafe person about it.Use the slip as informationabout why, in that
particularmoment,youfelttheneedtogetexternalapproval.
2. Consciouslydomoreofthisbehavior.Thismaynotmakelogicalsense,
butitisapowerfulwaytoexploreanydysfunctionalbehavior.Observe
how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external
validation.
Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of
ThemselvesTakinggoodcareoftheselfisessentialforchangingone’sbelief
abouttheself.If a Nice Guybelievesheisn’t worth much, his actionstoward
himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to
consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be
worthsomething.
When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can’t think of
morethanoneortwogoodthingstodoforthemselves.Together,wewilloften
brainstormandmakealistofpossiblethingstodo.
Thesegoodthingscanrangefromsimpleactslikedrinkinglotsofwateror
flossingtheirteethtomoreextensivethingsliketakingatriporbuyingthecar
theyhavealwayswanted.Belowareafewpossibilities:
Exercise,workout,goforawalk.
Eathealthyfood.
Getenoughsleep.
Relax,play,goofoff.
Getamassage.
Gooutwithbuddies.
Buyanewpairofshoes.
Getshoespolished.
Getdentalworkdone.
Getaphysical.
Listentomusic.
AstherecoveringNiceGuybeginstodogoodthingsforhimself,hewillfeel
uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused.
Thesefeelingsaretheresultofwhatiscalledcognitivedissonance.
WhentheNiceGuydoessomethinggoodforhimselfheisdoingsomething
thatimpliesheisvaluable.
Thiswillconflictwithhisdeeplyheldbeliefthatheisworthless.Asaresult,
hewillexperiencedissonance—aclashingoftwocompetingmessages.Intime,
one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being
goodtothemselves,nomatterhowfrightening.Intimethecoremessagesfrom
childhoodarereplacedwithnew,moreaccuratebeliefsthatreflecttheirinherent
worth.
Todd,introducedinthebeginningofthechapter,spentsomuchtimetrying
to get the approval of others that he rarely did anything for himself. On the
encouragement of other men in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Todd
decidedtoconsciouslybegindoingthingsforhimself.Hebegansmallbybuying
himselfnewsocksandunderwear.
After a few weeks he started an exercise program and began working out
regularly. Even though it made him feel guilty, he started going to a massage
therapist every other week. After six months, Todd decided to spend $2,000
dollarstojoinasinglesactivityclub.Hesharedwiththegroupthateventhough
heoccasionallyheardalittlevoicethatsaidhewasn’tworthit,doingsowasone
of the most affirming things he had ever done. A couple of months later, he
reportedthathehadgoneontwodateswithtwodifferentwomen,bothofwhom
seemedtolikehimjustashewas.
BreakingFreeActivity#9
Beginwiththelistaboveandaddgoodthingsthatyoucandoforyourself.
Putthelist up where you will see it and choose at leastonethingperday
anddoitforyourself.
AffirmingSelfHelpsNiceGuysLearnToApproveOfThemselves
Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy’s core belief about
himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy’s
worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of
affirmationsareusuallyshort-lived.Thisisbecausethesemessagesarecontrary
totheoldest,deepestbeliefstheNiceGuyholdsabouthimself.Affirmationsare
onlyeffectivewhenusedalongwithotherprocessesthathelpchangetheNice
Guy’scorebeliefs.
BreakingFreeActivity#10
Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note
cardsandplacethemwhereyouwillseethemregularly.Changethecards
often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and
fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your
mindtorejecttheaffirmationsinfavorofold,deeplyheldbeliefs.
Thefollowingaresomepossibleaffirmations:
«IamlovablejustasIam.»
«Iamperfectlyimperfect.»
«Myneedsareimportant.»
«Iamastrongandpowerfulperson.»
«Icanhandleit.»
«PeopleloveandacceptmejustasIam.»
«ItisOKtobehumanandmakemistakes.»
«IamtheonlypersonIhavetoplease.»
Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of
Themselves
Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the
NiceGuySyndrome.
When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about
themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives. I strongly
recommendthatNiceGuystaketripsandretreatsbythemselvestoplaceswhere
nooneknowsthem.Inthiscontext,theNiceGuyhasfewerreasonstotrytowin
people’sapproval,andthereislessofaneedtotrytohidefaultsandmistakes.
Whilealone,NiceGuys canreflectonthemselvesand theirlifedirection.Itis
alsoagoodtimetopracticetakingresponsibilityforone’sneeds.
Whenalone,therecoveringNiceGuycandowhathewantswithouthaving
topleaseorcompromise.Hewillgotobedandgetupwhenhewants.Hewill
decidewhenandwhattoeat.Hewilldecidewherehegoesandwhathedoes.
Whenalonehewillbelesslikelytocaretake,seekapproval,sacrificeself,ortry
tofixsomeone’sproblems.
Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys
face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy
discoversthatspendingtimealonedoesn’tkillhim,hemayalsorealizethathe
doesn’t have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or
manipulatepeopletotrytogethisneedsmet.
ThistimealoneisspentmosteffectivelywhentheNiceGuycanobservehis
tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or
usingsex,food,oralcoholtomedicate.Writinginajournalduringthesetimes
can be especially effective. Some of the most insightful periods I have
experiencedinlifehavebeenbymyselfonweekendcampingtrips,week-long
retreats,andtimeswhenmywifehasbeenoutoftown.
BreakingFreeActivity#11
Planaweekendtriptothemountainsorbeach.Ifpossible,planavacation
orretreatforaweekorlongerbyyourselftoaplacewherenooneknows
you.Visitaforeigncountrybyyourselfifatallpossible.Usethistimeasan
opportunityforself-observationandreflection.Keepajournal.
Practicegoodself-care.Takealongthisbookandspendtimedoingthe
BreakingFreeexercises.
Whenyoureturnhome,observehowyouaredifferentandhowlongit
takesforyoutobeginreturningtofamiliarpatterns.
RevealingSelfHelpsNiceGuysLearnToApproveOfThemselves
WhenNiceGuystrytohidetheirhumanityfromothers,theyreinforcetheircore
belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that
they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and
receivemoreaccuratemessagesthantheonesinternalizedinchildhood.
Bynecessity,thisprocessrequiresasafepersonorsafepeople.
Asfrighteningasitmayinitiallyfeel,findingthesesafepeopleisessential
for learning to approve of self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part
alone.SafepeopleareessentialforreversingthedistortedbeliefsallNiceGuys
haveabouttheirworth.
Thisprocessrequiresbuildingtrust.IsuggestthattherecoveringNiceGuy
seta regular time tomeetwithhissafepersonor group, and a littleatatime,
startrevealinghimself.Thisprocessbeginsbyjusttalkingabouthimself.Thisin
itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice
Guycanbeginrevealingthethingsabouthimselfthatheistheleastcomfortable
lettingotherssee.
Oncetrusthasbeenestablished,hecanbegintorevealthingsabouthimself
that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being
secretiveandevasivetorevealingtheirdeepest,darkestsecretsinthepresence
ofsafepeople.
Reid, a recovering alcoholic and a member of a No More Mr. Nice Guy!
groupisagoodexampleofthisprocess.
Reidcameintoagrouplateoneeveningandremainedquietanddetachedfor
thefirstthirtyorfortyminutes.Reid’spatterninthegroupwastoeitherjoinin
actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was
emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he
seemedwithdrawnandIaskedhowhewasdoing.
Oncetheattentionofthegroupfocusedonhim,hisappearanceshiftedfrom
detachmenttoterror.«Ialmostdidn’tcometonight.»Hewhisperedsoftlyashe
lookeddownathishands.«Infact,Iwasthinkingaboutquittingthegroup.»
A couple of the guys reflected the concern of the whole group by asking
whatwasgoingon.
«Ijustfeelsoterrible,»Reidcontinued,«I’vedonesomethingsoterrible,I
justdidn’tknowifIcouldfaceallofyou.»
Mythoughtsbegantoraceastowhathecouldhavedonethatmightcause
thegroupriseupinjudgmentagainsthim.Oneofthegroupmembersaskedifhe
washavinganaffair.
«No,worse.»Reidresponded.«I’vedonesomethingsoterrible,Idon’teven
knowifIcantellyouaboutit.»
Asthe groupofferedtheirsupport andencouragement,Reid brokethrough
hisfearandshameandbegantoopenup.
«LastweekIgotreprimandedbymybossandthenIgotintoafightwithmy
wife. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got
drunk.I’vebeenonabingeeversinceandIjustcan’tmakemyselfstop.»
Tears were running down Reid’s face as the shame of his addiction to
alcohol raised its ugly head once again. He had been clean and sober since
joiningthegroupsixmonthsearlier.HewasactiveinAA,buthadexperienceda
numberofslipsandrelapsesinhis12yearsofrecovery.
AgroupmemberhandedhimaboxoftissuesandReidwipedhiseyes.He
thencontinuedtellinghisstoryandrevealinghisshameinbetweensobs.
«I’mbacktoallmyoldwaysoflyingandmanipulating.I’mtotallyoutof
control.»
Iaskedifhehadcalledhissponsororgonetoameetingsincethisbegan.He
shookhisheadandsharedthathehadslippedsomanytimesthathedidn’tthink
anyonewouldcareorwanthimback.
VariousmembersofthegroupsharedwithReidthattheydidn’tthinkhewas
bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting.
Theytoldhimthattheyhadgreatrespectthathecameintogroupandrevealed
whatwasgoingon,especiallysincehehadsomuchshameaboutit.
After a few moments, Reid revealed, «That’s not all. There’s more.» He
begantosobonceagain.Liftinghishandtohisforeheadheshookhisheadasin
disgustforhimself.
«Itgetsworse.Iwenttothepeepshowsnearmyworktwotimesthisweek.»
He turned his eyes to the floor and wept almost uncontrollably. «I had been
doing so good.» He choked out between sobs, «Now I’ve blown it all. I feel
totally worthless and don’t want to go on living. I’ve made a mess of
everything.»
Fortherestofthehour,thegroupsupportedReidandencouragedhimtogo
allthewaythroughhisshame.Theyreassuredhimthathewasn’tbadandthat
no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for
revealinghisshameandpain.Theysupportedhimintalkingtohiswife,calling
hissponsorandgoingtoameeting.Theyaskedhimtocallonegroupmember
eachdayduringthenextweekandletthemknowhowhewasdoing.
WhenReidleftthegroupthatnight,hewasobviouslyshakenandscared.He
hadalsoreleasedaheavyburdenandreceivedthesupportofagroupofpeople
who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how
deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and
abandonhim,neitherofthesethingshappened.Instead,hereceivedthemessage
thattherewasnothinghecoulddothatwouldmakethemeninthegroupstop
likinghimorstopcaringabouthim.
SheddingOldSkin
AsrecoveringNiceGuysreleasetheirtoxicshameandstartseekingtheirown
approval,theybegintorealizeseveralimportanttruths.
Theyarenotbad.
Theydon’thavetodoanythingtowinotherpeople’sapproval.
Theydon’thavetohidetheirperceivedflawsormistakes.
Peoplecanlovethemjustastheyare.
As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this
chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other
human,NiceGuysmakemistakes,usepoorjudgment,andactinappropriately.
Nevertheless, their humanity doesn’t make them bad or unlovable nor does it
causeotherpeopletostoplovingthem.
Imperfecthumanscanonlyconnectwithotherimperfecthumans.Mostfolks
tendtobe attracted to individualswhohavesomesubstanceandsenseofself.
Chameleonsusuallydon’tdrawmuchofacrowdorgetmanyovations.
By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves,
recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they
havealwaysdesired.Bylearningtoapproveofthemselves,theybegintoradiate
alifeenergyandcharismathatdrawspeopletothem.AsNiceGuysstopseeking
approvalandstoptryingtohidetheirperceivedflaws,theyopenadoortostart
gettingwhattheyreallywantinloveandlife.
Chapter4
MakeYourNeedsAPriority
«I want you to know that I’m really uncomfortable with that thing we talked
aboutlastweek.»
Lars, an anxiety-filled executive, began his second session of counseling
withthisstatement.Larshadcometoseemeontheencouragementofhiswife.
He reported being generally depressed and unhappy for as long as he could
remember.Inrecentmonthshehadfounditdifficulttosleepatnightandwas
experiencingmigraineheadachesonaregularbasis.Eventhougheverythingin
his life seemed to be «fine» —good job, nice home, family, etc. —he never
seemedtobehappy.
Inhisfirstcounselingsession,Larsrevealedthathehadconstantfantasiesof
«chucking it all» and disappearing to somewhere else in the world. These
thoughtsmadehimfeelguilty,sohekeptthemtohimself.
InthatsessionIaskedLarswhathedidforhimself.Hegavemeapuzzled
look.«Whatdoyoumean?»heasked.
Irepeatedthequestion.
Afterapause,heanswered,«Notmuch,Iguess.»
Fortherestofthesession,Isharedwithhimtheimportanceofmakinghis
needs a priority and taking responsibility for finding ways to meet them. This
discussionwasmetwithbothfearandresistancefromLars.Thesamehesitancy
wasrepeatedashebeganhissecondcounselingsession.
«Whichpartofourdiscussionlastweekmadeyouuncomfortable?»Iasked.
«Allofit,»heresponded.«Thatpartaboutmakingmyneedsapriorityreally
mademeuptight.»
I asked him what part about taking responsibility for his needs made him
anxious.
«Everything,» he responded. «That seems like that would make me selfish
andself-centered.»
«What’swrongwiththat?»Iasked.
Larslooked at me with amazement.«What’s wrong with that,» he replied,
«is that being selfish would make me too much like my old man. All he ever
thoughtaboutwashimselfandtherestofussufferedasaresult.Ijustcouldn’t
dothat.Icouldn’tbeaself-centeredS.O.B.likehim.I’vegotawife,kids,ajob,
amortgage,andbillstopay.There’snoroomformetostartbehavinglikemy
father.»
LowMaintenanceKindsOfGuys
Lars is a fairly typical Nice Guy when it comes to his needs. Nice Guys
generallyfocustheirattentiononmeetingeveryoneelse’sneedswhiletryingto
be«lowmaintenance»kindsofguysthemselves.WhenItalkwiththemabout
makingtheirneedsapriority,theirresponseissimilartothatofLars.
This ubiquitous pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood
conditioning.Whenachild’sneedsarenotmetinatimely,healthymanner,the
childmaycometobelieveheis«bad»forhavingneeds.Hemayalsothinkthat
it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him. Typically Nice
Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by
developinganumberofsurvivalmechanisms.
Tryingtoappearneedlessandwantless.
Makingitdifficultforotherstogivetothem.
Using«covertcontracts.»
Caretaking—focusingattentiononotherpeople’sneeds.
While creating an illusion of security in childhood, these survival
mechanisms only increased the odds of their needs going unrecognized and
unmet.
Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From
GettingTheirNeedsMet
ForNiceGuys, trying to become needless andwantlesswasaprimarywayof
tryingtocopewiththeirchildhoodabandonmentexperiences.Sinceitwaswhen
theyhadthemostneedsthattheyfeltthemostabandoned,theybelieveditwas
theirneedsthatdrovepeopleaway.
Thesehelplesslittleboysconcludedthatiftheycouldeliminateorhideallof
theirneeds,thennoonewouldabandonthem.Theyalsoconvincedthemselves
thatiftheydidn’thaveneeds,itwouldn’thurtsobadwhen the needs weren’t
met.Notonlydidtheylearnearlynottoexpecttogettheirneedsmet,butalso
thattheirverysurvivalseemedtodependonappearingnottohaveneeds.
Thiscreatedanunsolvablebind:thesehelplesslittleboyscouldnottotally
represstheirneedsandstayalive,andtheycouldnotmeettheirneedsontheir
own.Theonlylogicalsolutionwastotrytoappeartobeneedlessandwantless
whiletryingtogetneedsmetinindirectandcovertways.
Asaresultofthesechildhoodsurvivalmechanisms,NiceGuysoftenbelieve
itisavirtuetohavefewneedsorwants.Beneaththisfacadeofneedlessnessand
wantlessness,allNiceGuysareactuallyextremelyneedy.Consequently,when
theygoabouttryingtogettheirneedsmet,NiceGuys are frequently indirect,
unclear,manipulative,andcontrolling.
Making It Difficult For Others To Give To Them Prevents Nice Guys
FromGettingTheirNeedsMet
Inadditiontousingineffectivestrategiestogettheirneedsmet,NiceGuysare
terrible receivers. Since getting their needs met contradicts their childhood
paradigms, Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get
what they want. Though most Nice Guys have a difficult time grasping this
concept, they are terrified of getting what they really want and will go to
extrememeasurestomakesuretheydon’t.NiceGuyscarryoutthisunconscious
agenda by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an
unspoken agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away, and
sabotaging.
AgoodillustrationofthisdynamicisthewayNiceGuyscommonlytryto
gettheirsexualneedsmet.
Many of the Nice Guys I’ve worked with have expressed a heightened
interestin sex, yet they frequentlyfeel frustrated intheir attempts toget these
needsmet.Thisisusuallybecausetheiractionsprettymuchguaranteethatthey
won’tgetwhattheybelievetheywant.
Nice Guys have an uncanny knack of picking partners who, because of
childhood sexual abuse or other negative experiences with sex, tend to have a
difficult time being sexually expressive. When these partners do make
themselves available to be sexual, it is not uncommon for Nice Guys to do
somethingthatfurtherensuresthattheydon’tgettheirneedsmet.TheNiceGuy
mayrespondbytakingcontrolratherthanlettingthesexualexperienceunfold.
He may focus on his partner’s sexual needs before she has a chance to pay
attentiontohim.Hemightstartafightbymakingacommentaboutherweight
orherpastunavailability.AllofthesestrategiesprettymuchensurethattheNice
Guy won’t have to experience the fear, shame, or anxiety that might get
triggeredifheactuallyallowedsomeonetofocusonhisneeds.
BreakingFreeActivity#12
DoyoubelieveitisOKforyoutohaveneeds?Doyoubelievepeoplewant
to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of
abundance?
UsingCovertContractsPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheirNeeds
Met.
AllNiceGuysarefacedwithadilemma:Howcantheykeepthefactthatthey
haveneedshidden, yet still create situations in whichtheyhave some hope of
gettingtheirneedsmet?
In order to accomplish this seemingly impossible goal, Nice Guys utilize
covertcontracts.Theseunconscious,unspokenagreementsaretheprimaryway
thatNiceGuysinteractwiththeworldaroundthem.AlmosteverythingaNice
Guydoesrepresentssomemanifestationofacovertcontract.
TheNiceGuy’scovertcontractissimplythis:
1. Iwilldothis______________(fillintheblank)foryou,sothat
2. Youwilldothis______________(fillintheblank)forme.
3. Wewillbothactasifwehavenoawarenessofthiscontract.
Most of us have had the experienceof leaningover and whispering in our
lover’sear,«Iloveyou.»Wethenwaitexpectantlyforourbelovedtorespond
with,«Iloveyoutoo.»Thisisanexampleofacovertcontractinwhichaperson
givestoget.Giving«Iloveyous»toget«Iloveyoutoos»inreturnisthebasic
wayNice Guys goabout trying toget all oftheir needs met.There is nothing
wrongwithaskingyourpartnertotellyoushelovesyou,buttellingher«Ilove
you» first to get an «I love you too» in return is indirect, unclear, and
manipulative.
Asaresultoftheconditioningtheyreceivedintheirfamilyandsociety,Nice
Guysbelieveiftheyare«good,»thentheyshouldbeloved,gettheirneedsmet,
andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Inreality,theprimaryparadigmoftheNiceGuySyndromeisnothingmore
thanabigcovertcontractwithlife.
BreakingFreeActivity#13
Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other.
Whatdo you give? What do you expectinreturn?Sharethis information
withtheotherperson.Askthepersonhowitfeelstorespondtoanunclear
agenda.
CaretakingPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheirNeedsMet
One of the most common ways Nice Guys use covert contracts to try to meet
their needs is through caretaking. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is
fundamentallylovingandisoneofthethingsthatmakesthemgoodpeople.In
reality,caretakinghasnothingtodowithbeinglovingorgood.Caretakingisan
immatureandindirectattempttotrytogetone’sneedsmet.
Caretakingalwaysconsistsoftwoparts:
1. Focusingonanother’sproblems,needs,orfeelingsinorderto
2. Feelvaluable,getone’sownneedsmet,ortoavoiddealingwithone’s
ownproblemsorfeelings.
Reese, a graphic designer in his late twenties, is a good example of the
extremes to which Nice Guys caretake in their intimate relationships. Reese
lamentedinoneofhistherapysessions,
«Whycan’tIfindagirlwhogivesasmuchbacktomeasIgivetoher?»He
went on to describe how all of his girlfriends seemed to be takers and that he
alwaysdidallofthegiving.
Within a period of a year, Reese entered into three intense relationships.
Eachbegan wonderfully and seemedlike the woman hehad been lookingfor.
Each failed because of the same scenario: Reese picked women who needed
rescuingorfixing.
The first girlfriend lived in Canada and had recently gotten off drugs. She
cametolivewithReesebutneverappliedforaworkvisaandstruggledtostay
clean.Reesewentoutofhiswaytobesupportiveofhisgirlfriendwiththehope
thatshewouldfindajobandstayoffdrugs.Finally,Reesesentherhometoget
herlifestraightenedout.Later,hefoundoutfromamutualfriendthatthereason
hisgirlfriendhadneverappliedforaworkvisawasbecauseshewassickwith
cancer,somethingshenevertoldhim.
Thenextgirlfriend’sparents andreligionkeptherinconstantconflict.She
wasnever able to commit tothe relationship. Nevertheless,Reese went out of
hiswaytobesupportiveandgiving,allwiththehopesthathisgirlfriendwould
eventuallygetthingsstraightenedoutandbecomeavailabletoReese.
The third girlfriend was in the military. She was living on base, some 40
milesfromReese’sapartmentandhadnocar.Reesehadtotaketheinitiativein
getting together and would often shuttle his girlfriend around. Because Reese
mademoremoney,healwayspaidwhentheywentout.Reesefrequentlybought
hisgirlfriendgiftsandloanedhermoney.Whenthisgirlfriendgottransferredto
adifferentstate,Reesequithisjob,soldhiscar,andmovedalongwithher,only
toreturninthreemonthsbecausehisgirlfriendstartedrunningaroundonhim.
Duringthis12-monthperiodwhileReesewassobusycaretakingtheneeds
and problems of his girlfriends, he gave up his job and alienated most of his
friendsandfamily.Reese’scaretakingallowedhimtostayoblivioustohisown
self-destructive behaviors while investing tremendous energy in trying to fix
others.As istrueformost NiceGuys,nomatterhowmuchhegavetoothers,
Reeseneverfeltlikehegotasmuchbackinreturn.
CaringVs.Caretaking
ThoughNice Guys see everythingthey do forothers as loving, caretakinghas
verylittletodowithcaring.Herearethedifferences:
Caretaking
1. Givestootherswhatthegiverneedstogive.
2. Comesfromaplaceofwithinemptinesswithinthegiver.
3. Alwayshasunconsciousstringsattached.
Caring
1. Givestootherswhatthereceiverneeds.
2. Comesfromaplaceofabundancethethegiver.
3. Hasnostringsattached.
NiceGuyscaretakeforanumberofreasons,noneofthemhavinganything
to do with love. For them, even the most innocuous and subtle act often has
somestringattached.NiceGuysgiveinthewaystheywouldlikeotherstogive
to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will
encouragetheirpartnertotakeadayoff,buyanewoutfit,gotothedoctor,take
atrip,quitajob,gobacktoschool—yetwouldnotgivethemselvespermission
todoanyofthesamethings.
BreakingFreeActivity#14
Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to
stimulateawarenessofyourcaretaking,dooneofthefollowingforaperiod
ofoneweek:
1. Goonacaretakingmoratorium.BecauseNiceGuyshaveadifficulttime
differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely
(excepttoyoung,dependentchildren).Tellpeoplewhatyouaredoing
so they won’t be confused. Observe your feelings and other people’s
reactions.
2. Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this
assignmentmaysound,itisaveryeffectivewaytocreateawarenessof
yourcaretakingbehavior.Payattentiontohowyoufeelandhowother
peoplereacttoyou.
TheVictimTriangle
RatherthanhelpingNiceGuysmeettheirneeds,covertcontractsandcaretaking
only lead to frustration and resentment. When this frustration and resentment
buildslongenough,itoftenspillsoutinsomenotsoprettyways.Givingtoget
creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle
consistsofthreepredictablesequences:
1. TheNiceGuygivestoothershopingtogetsomethinginreturn.
2. When it doesn’t seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn’t
gettingwhatheexpected,hefeelsfrustratedandresentful.Remember,the
NiceGuyistheonekeepingscoreandheisn’ttotallyobjective.
3. Whenthisfrustrationandresentmentbuildsuplongenough,itspillsoutin
the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums,
withdrawing,shaming,criticizing,blaming,evenphysicalabuse.Oncethe
cyclehasbeencompleted,itusuallyjustbeginsalloveragain.
Mywifereferstotheseepisodesasvictimpukes.Sometimesthepukingwill
resembleachild’stempertantrum.Sometimesthevictimpukewilltakeamore
passive-aggressiveforminwhichtheNiceGuywillhaveanaffairoractoutin
somehiddenway.Allthewhilethepersondoingthepukingwillfeeljustified
becauseofthemanywayshehasbeenvictimized.Thesevictimpukesareoneof
theprimaryreasonsNiceGuysaren’talwayssonice.
Shane’s relationship with his girlfriend Racquel is a good example of the
victimtriangleandemotionalpuking.ShanehadRacquelonapedestalanddeep
inside,hebelievedshecouldonlylovehimifhewas«goodenough.»Inorderto
winherlovehegavehergifts,senthercards,leftphonemessages,boughther
clothes,plannedspecialsurprises,andhelpedwithherhomeandchildren.
All of this created a sense of emotional indebtedness for Racquel. She felt
likeshecouldneverrepayShaneforeverythinghedidforher.Thetruthwas
shecouldn’t.Shanewastryingtobuyherlove—onlythecontractwasn’tclear.
Intime,the only wayshe could cope withhis pleasing and caretakingwasby
pushinghimaway.
Whenthishappened,Shanewasdevastated.Hecouldn’tunderstandwhyif
hehadfulfilledhisendofthecontract,Racquelwouldn’tkeephers.Hedidn’t
think he was that hard to please. The more Shane gave to Racquel, the more
resentfulhebecame.Hewouldaccuseherofnotlovinghim.Theywouldhave
tremendousbattlesinwhichtheywouldbreakup,callingeachotherallkindsof
names. Afterwards Shane would feel frightened and remorseful and pursue
Racqueland try tofix things (allthe while resentingher for not pursuing him
andtrying to fix things). He would then startcaretaking and pleasingagain to
winherlove.Thecyclerepeateditselfoverandoveragain.
BreakingFreeActivity#15
Itcan bedifficultto makeadirect linkbetweenyour caretakingbehavior
andtheemotionalpukeswhichinevitablyfollow.Observethewaysyouhurt
thepeopleyoulove.
Doyoumakecuttingremarksorhurtful«jokes»?
Doyouembarrasstheminpublic?
Areyoufrequentlylate?
Doyou«forget»thingsthey’veaskedyoutodo?
Doyoucriticizethem?
Doyouwithdrawfromthemorthreatentoleave?
Doyouletfrustrationbuilduntilyoublowupatthem?
Askthesignificantothers in your life to giveyoufeedback about your
caretakingandemotionalpukes.Thisinformationmaybehardtohearand
may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking
outofthevictimtriangle.
BecomingTrulySelfish
WhenIbeganwritingthisbookIsharedtheearlydraftswithmembersofmyNo
MoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroups.Ononeoccasion,agroupmemberstated,«It
seems like the whole emphasis of the book is about focusing on one’s self. It
seemsreallyselfishandself-centered,liketheNiceGuyshouldjustthinkabout
himselfandnotworryaboutanyoneelse.»
Even though I did not set out to write No More Mr. Nice Guy! with this
themeinmind,thisgroupmember’scommentscontainedanimportanttruththat
Ihadn’tevenbeenfullyconsciousofbeforethen.
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive,
recoverymustcenteronlearningtoputthemselvesfirstandmakingtheir
needsapriority.
Most Nice Guys are astonished when I tell them that it is healthy to have
needsandthatmaturepeoplemakegettingtheirneedsmetapriority.Sometimes
Ihavetorepeatthistruthmanytimesinorderforittosinkin.ForNiceGuys,
having needs means being «needy,» and needy represents a one-way ticket to
abandonment.
ItellNiceGuys,«Noonewasputonthisplanettomeetyourneeds»(except
theirparents—andtheirjobisdone).Ialsoremindthemtheyweren’tputonthis
planettomeetanyoneelse’sneeds(exceptthoseoftheirchildren).
ThisparadigmshiftisalwaysterrifyingforrecoveringNiceGuys.Theidea
ofmakingtheirneeds a priority feels likethequickestroute to being disliked,
unloved,andallalone.
WheneverIchallengeNiceGuystofocusonmakingtheirneedsapriority,
theirresponsesareprettypredictable:
«Peoplewillgetangryatme.»
«PeoplewillthinkI’mselfish.»
«I’llbealone.»
«Whatifeveryonelivedthisway?»
IthenlistthebenefitsforNiceGuysandthepeoplearoundthemwhenthey
begintoputthemselvesfirst:
Theyincreasethelikelihoodofgettingwhattheyneedandwant.
Theycangivejudiciously—givingwhatpeoplereallyneed.
Theycangivewithoutresentmentandexpectation.
Theybecomelessneedy.
Theybecomemoreattractive.
MostNiceGuyswillreallylikethelastbenefitonthelist.Helpless,whiny,
wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance
are.Most folks are attracted to men whohave a sense of self. Putting the self
firstdoesn’tdrivepeopleaway,itattractsthem.Puttingtheselffirstisessential
forgettingwhatonewantsinloveandlife.
TakingResponsibilityForTheirOwnNeedsHelpsNiceGuysGetTheir
NeedsMet
InorderforNiceGuystogettheirneedsmet,theymustbegintoshifttheircore
paradigms.Thisshiftincludescomingtobelieve:
Havingneedsispartofbeinghuman.
Maturepeoplemakemeetingtheirownneedsapriority.
Theycanaskforhelpinmeetingtheirneedsinclearanddirectways.
Otherpeoplereallydowanttohelpthemmeettheirneeds.
Thisworldisaplaceofabundance.
In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something
radicallydifferentfromwhattheyhavedonepreviously.ForNiceGuys,putting
theselffirstisnotjustasuggestiontotryonforsize.
Itisessentialnotonlyforgettingneedsmet,butalsoforreclaimingpersonal
power,feelingfullyalive,andexperiencingloveandintimacy.
Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own
needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the
covertcontracts,theguessinggames,theangeroutbursts,andpassive-aggressive
behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the
resentment.Ilearnedthislessonfirst-handafewyearsback.
Aholiday weekend was approachingand our kids weregoing to be outof
town. I tried to plan some time with my wife Elizabeth, but she seemed
ambivalentandunwillingtomakeacommitmenttowhatshewantedtodo.Ifelt
frustrated and put my plans on hold. Finally, upon the urging of a friend, I
decidedtotryputting myself first over theweekend.Imade plans and invited
mywifetojoinmeifshefeltinclined.IdidseveralthingsIwanted,including
spendingsometimewithfriends.Asitturnedout,Elizabethdecidedtojoinme
on a number of occasions. On Monday, she shared with me that she had
thoroughlyenjoyedtheweekendanddidn’twantittoend.
AChallenge
InasessionofoneofmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroups,Ichallenged
each of the group members to experiment with putting themselves first for at
least a week. Though the challenge created tremendous anxiety for all of the
men, each decided to accept it. The experiences of three of Lars, Reese, and
Shanearepresentedbelow.
Lars
Lars,introducedatthebeginningofthechapter,wenthomeafterthegroup
andtoldhiswifethathewasgoingtomakehisneedsapriorityforthefollowing
week. She was initially resistant to his proclamation —which added to his
anxiety.Toboosthiscourage,Larscalledacoupleofmeninthegroup.Their
encouragement gave him the support he needed to follow through with his
commitment.
Larsdecidedtokeepitsimple.Hisplanfortheweekinvolvedmakingtime
everydaytogothegymandworkout.Beforehischildrenwereborn,Larshad
beenphysicallyactive.Thedemandsofjob,homeandchildrenhadputanendto
that. Lars decided to alternate his workouts before and after work. When he
sharedhisplanwithhiswife,sheappliedalittleguilt.«That’snotfairthatyou
gettoworkoutandIdon’t,»sheproclaimed.Larswastemptedtobackdown.
He had an impulse to try to find a solution so his wife could work out too.
Instead,hereflectedherconcernandtoldherhewasgoingtoworkoutanyway.
Duringhisfirstcoupleoftripstothegym,Larswasoverwhelmedwithguilt
andanxiety. Nevertheless,hepersevered.After the thirdday,hiswife actually
asked him how his workout went. As the week continued, Lars began to feel
moreenergizedandoptimisticaboutlife.Hestartedsleepingbetter.Heenjoyed
being around other people at the gym who were also taking good care of
themselves.
Surprisingly,afterhisfirstweek,hiswifetoldhimthathehadinspiredherto
start taking better care of herself. She told him that she was going to start
dropping the kids off at the daycare center at the gym and begin an aerobics
classforherself.
Reese
ReesehadjoinedtheNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupafterhisbreak-upwith
hislastgirlfriend.
Reese’shabitonweekendswastogotooutwithhislatestgirlfriendtobars
onFriday,Saturday,andSundaynights.ByMondaymorning,hewasexhausted.
Hewouldspendtherestoftheweekplayingcatchup.Reesewasafraidthatif
hedidn’tgooutwheneverhisgirlfriendwanted,shewouldleavehim.
Reesedecidedthatforoneweekend,hewouldputhimselffirstanddowhat
feltrighttohim.Hetoldhisgirlfriendinadvance.Reesedecidedthathewould
gooutjustonenight,notdrink,andbeinbymidnight.
OnSaturday,hemadesomeplanstogotoamoviewithacoupleofguysin
the group. On Sunday he stayed at home to relax and get caught up on some
housecleaningandlaundry.Hisgoalwastobeinbedby10:00p.m.onSunday
evening.
When Monday came, Reese felt rested and clear headed at work. His
boyfriend hadn’t dropped him, and the rest of the week felt productive and
enjoyable.
Shane
Shane, also introduced earlier in the chapter, liked to do things for his
girlfriend.Shaneregularlygavehergifts,plannedsurprises,anddidwhateverhe
couldtohelpherout.
Shane’splan forputtinghimselffirst involvedpayingattentiontowhenhe
hadanimpulsetodosomethingforhisgirlfriend.Wheneverhefeltthisimpulse,
hewouldinsteaddosomethingforhimself.
Whenhethoughtaboutwashinghercar,hewashedhisowninstead.When
hefelttheurgetobuyheragift,heboughthimselfsomethinginstead.Whenhe
thoughtaboutcallingherjusttoseeifshewasOK,hecalledagroupmember
instead.AllofthiscreatedtremendousanxietyforShane.
Muchtohissurprise,attheendoftheweekRacquelreportedshefeltalot
lesssmotheredbyShaneandactuallylookedforwardtospendingtimewithhim.
Sheevencalledlateoneeveningafterthekidswereinbedandinvitedhimover
tomakelove.
A couple of weeks later, Shane and Racquel talked about the change in a
couplescounselingsession.
Theydecidedtocontinuetheprocess.Foraperiodofsixmonthstheyagreed
thatShanewouldnotgiveanygiftsorplananysurprisesforRacquel.Duringthe
following six months he refrained from giving her birthday, Christmas, and
Valentine’scardsorgifts.Duringthistimehefocusedontakingbettercareof
himselfandgettinghisneedsmet.
IntimeShanecametoseethatnotonlydidRacquelnotstoplovinghim,she
actuallybecamemoregivingtoShane.Oneyearlatter,theybothreportedthat
Shanecouldgiveagiftwithoutusingitasawaytogetapprovaloraffirmation.
Duringthistime,Shanehadalsolearnedthatmakinghisneedsaprioritymade
him less dependent, needy, and fearful. Both Shane and Racquel reported
enjoyingallthechangestheyhadexperiencedsinceShanemadethedecisionto
startputtinghimselffirst.
MakingTheDecision
Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up
themselvesandputothersfirst,theywillbelovedandgettheirneedsmet.There
is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm
puttingthemselvesfirst.
Makingthedecisiontoputtheselffirstisthehardestpart.Actuallydoingit
isrelativelyeasy.WhentheNiceGuyputshimselffirstthereisonlyonevoice
toconsider—hisown.Decisionsarenowmadebyoneindividual,ratherthanby
a committee. He no longer has to mind read, predict, or try to pleasemultiple
voiceswithconflictingagendas.Whenputtinghimselffirstalltheinformation
heneedstomakeadecisioniswithinhim:«IsthiswhatIwant?Yes.Thenthat’s
whatI’lldo.»
BreakingFreeActivity#16
Makeadecisiontoputyourselffirstforaweekendorevenawholeweek.
Tellthepeoplearoundyouwhatyouaredoing.Askafriendtosupportyou
andencourageyouinthisprocess.Payattentiontoyourinitialanxiety.Pay
attentiontoyourtendencytoreverttooldpatterns.Attheendofthetime
period,askthepeoplearoundyouwhatitwaslikeforthemwhenyouput
yourselffirst.
Remember,youdon’thavetodoitperfectly.Justdoit.
Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves taking responsibility
forone’sownneeds.OthersmaycooperatewiththeNiceGuy,buttheyarenot
in charge of meeting his needs. By making their needs a priority and putting
themselvesfirst,recoveringNiceGuyscancometoseetheworldasaplaceof
abundance. They can truly come to believe that their needs are important and
therearepeopleouttherewhoarehappyandwillingtohelpthemmeetthem.
Chapter5
ReclaimYourPersonalPower
OneSaturdaymorningafewyearsback,mywifeElizabethandIengagedina
heated discussion over something I had done. Like many of our arguments,
Elizabethfelthelplesstogetmetoseemydenial.
At the same time, I felt unjustly persecuted. Finally, when the argument
reachedanemotionalcrescendo,Elizabethshoutedinfrustration,
«You’renothingbutawimp!»
ElizabethlefttheroomandIretreatedtothebathroomtodrymyeyes.
Afterafewminutesofreflection,Elizabethknockedonthebathroomdoor.I
assumedshewascomingbacktotakeanotherstabatherwoundedprey.Instead
sheapologized.
«I’msorryforcallingyouawimp.Thatwasn’tfair.»
«Actually,»Iresponded,wipingatearaway,«Itwasthemostaccuratething
yousaidallmorning.»
NiceGuysarewimps.Thismaynotsoundlikeanicethingtosay,butit’s
true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and
childhoodsurvivalmechanismsrequirethemtosacrificetheirpersonalpower.
Asstatedinpreviouschapters,acommondenominatorforNiceGuysisthat
theydidnotgettheirneedsmetinatimely,healthyfashioninchildhood.These
little boys were helpless to prevent people from abandoning them, neglecting
them,abusingthem,usingthem,orsmotheringthem.Theywerevictimstothe
people who failed to love them, pay attention to them, meet their needs, and
protectthem.
Asaresultofthesechildhoodexperiences,feelinglikeavictimfeelsfamiliar
formostNiceGuys.Thesementendtoseeothersascausingtheproblemsthey
areexperiencing in life. As a consequence, they often feel frustrated,helpless,
resentful,andrageful.Youcanseeitintheirbodylanguage.Youcanhearitin
theirvoices.
«It’snotfair.»
«Howcomeshegetstomaketherules?»
«IalwaysgivemorethanIget.»
«Ifshewouldjust…»
AParadigmOfPowerlessness
In an attempt to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences, all Nice
Guysdevelopedthesameparadigm:«IfIamgood,thenIwillbeloved,getmy
needsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.»
Unfortunately, this paradigm not only produces the opposite of what is
desired,itguaranteesnothingbutfeelingsofperpetualpowerlessness.
Even though Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to create a smooth,
problem-freelife,twomajorfactorspreventthemfromattainingthisgoal.The
first is that they are attempting the impossible. Life is not smooth. Human
existence is by nature chaotic. Life is filled with experiences that are
unpredictable and beyond anyone’s control. Therefore, trying to create a
predictable life in which everything always goes as planned is an exercise in
futility.
Inspiteofthefactthatweliveinachaotic,unpredictableworld,NiceGuys
arenot onlyconvincedthatlifecanbesmooth,theybelieveitshould be.This
belief is the direct result of their childhood abandonment experiences. The
unpredictabilityofnothavingtheirneedsmetinatimely,judiciousfashionwas
notonlyfrightening,itwaspotentiallylife-threatening.
Inattempttocopewiththeuncertaintyoftheirchaoticchildhood,Nice
Guysdevelopedabeliefsystemthatifthey couldjustdoeverythingright,
theneverythingwouldgorightintheirlives.
Sometimesthesemenalsodevelopedbeliefsystemsthattheirchildhoodwas
ideal and problem-free (the opposite of reality) in order to cope with their
abandonment experiences. These were all distorted beliefs, but these illusions
helped these helpless little boys deal with the turmoil that was out of their
control.
AsecondreasonNiceGuysneveraccomplishtheirgoalofhavingasmooth
lifeisthattheydotheoppositeofwhatworks.Byapproachingadultsituations
with survival mechanisms that were formed when they were naive and
powerless,theyareinsuredofhavingverylittlesuccessincreatinganythingthat
resemblesstabilityintheirlives.
ThedependenceontheseineffectivesurvivalmechanismskeepsNiceGuys
trappedinthememoryoftheirfearfulchildhoodexperiencesandperpetuatesa
viciouscycle.Themorefrightenedtheyare,themoretheyusetheirchildhood
survivalmechanisms.Themoretheyusetheseineffectivemechanisms,theless
successful they are at negotiating the complexities,challenges and ambiguities
oflife.Thelesssuccessfultheyare,themorefearfultheybecome…yougetthe
picture.
BreakingFreeActivity#17
Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth,
problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping
mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you
usethisstrategytotrytocontrolyourworldinadulthood.Notehoweachof
these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this
informationwithasafeperson.
Doingitright.
Playingitsafe.
Anticipatingandfixing.
Tryingnottorocktheboat.
Beingcharmingandhelpful.
Neverbeingamoment’sproblem.
Usingcovertcontracts.
Controllingandmanipulating.
Caretakingandpleasing.
Withholdinginformation.
Repressingfeelings.
Makingsureotherpeopledon’thavefeelings.
Avoidingproblemsanddifficultsituations.
OvercomingTheWimpFactor—ReclaimingPersonalPower
Idefinepersonalpowerasastateofmindinwhichapersonisconfidenthecan
handlewhatevermaycome.Thiskindofpowernotonlysuccessfullydealswith
problems,challengesandadversity,itactuallywelcomesthem,meetsthemhead
on,andisthankfulforthem.Personalpowerisn’ttheabsenceoffear.Eventhe
mostpowerfulpeoplehavefear.Personalpoweristheresultoffeelingfear,but
notgivingintothefear.
There is a solution to the helplessness and vulnerability Nice Guys feel.
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows Nice Guys to embrace the
personalpowerthatistheirbirthright.Reclaimingpersonalpowerincludes:
Surrendering.
Dwellinginreality.
Expressingfeelings.
Facingfears.
Developingintegrity.
Settingboundaries.
SurrenderingHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Ironically,themostimportantaspectofreclaimingpersonalpowerandgetting
whatonewantsinloveandlifeissurrender.Surrenderdoesn’tmeangivingup,
itmeanslettinggoofwhatonecan’tchangeandchangingwhatonecan.
Lettinggodoesn’tmeannotcaringornottrying.Lettinggomeanslettingbe.
It is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored
inside.Atfirstthefingerswillwanttoreturntotheirformerclenchedposition.
Thehandalmosthastoberetrainedtoopenupandrelax.Soitiswithlearning
howtosurrenderandletgo.
Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to let go and respond to life’s
complexbeauty,ratherthantryingtocontrolit.Surrenderallowsthesemento
seelifeasalaboratoryforlearning,growth,andcreativity.
Surrenderallows recoveringNiceGuysto seeeachlifeexperience as a
«gift»fromtheuniversetostimulategrowth,healingandlearning.Instead
ofasking,«Whyisthishappeningtome?»therecoveringNiceGuycanrespond
tolife’schallengesbypondering,«WhatdoIneedtolearnfromthissituation?»
Gilexemplifiestheprocessoflettinggo.Gilhadreachedacrisispointinhis
relationship with his girlfriend Barb. Gil had originally begun couples
counselingwithBarbto«fix»herproblem.Heclaimedthatshewasdepressed,
angry all the time, and had no interest in sex. He reported that he constantly
walkedoneggshells,tryingtomakesureheneverdidanythingtoupsether.
GilandBarbwerebothintheirearlyfiftiesandhadbeenlivingtogetherfor
eightyears.Theyhaddiscussedmarriage,butbothfeltapprehensionduetothe
unsettled nature of their relationship. After a couple months of couples
counseling, Gil began to entertain the idea that all the problems in the
relationshipmight not be aboutBarb. He began looking at his own caretaking
andcontrollingbehavior.
Healsobecameawarethathehadfewoutsideinterestsandnomalefriends.
Afteracouplemoremonths,hejoinedaNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroup.
EvenasGilbegantolookathisownproblemsandineffectivelifepatterns,
hekeptseekingthe«key»formakingBarbbetter.Itwasaslowprocess,butGil
begantoseethathecouldnotdoanythingtochangeBarbandthathewasgoing
tohavetofocusonhimself.AshebegantoletgoanddetachfromBarbhefelt
tremendousanxiety.Hehadadeepfearthathewasgoingto«getintrouble.»He
alsobelievedthatBarbcouldn’thandleherproblemswithouthishelp.
Withthe support of thegroup, Gil surrendered.He came to realizethathe
wouldbeOKregardlessofwhetherheandBarbmadeitasacouple.Muchto
hissurprise,theirrelationshipbegantoimprove.Asheletgooftryingtosolve
her problems and detached from her moods, Gil found that he had fewer
frustrationsandresentments.HeevenbegantoseeBarbasa«gift»tohelphim
workthroughhisissueswithhisangryfather.
Ayearlaterheannouncedtohismen’sgroupthatheandBarbhadsetadate
to get married. He reported that they were getting along better than he would
have ever imagined. He shared that the turning point seemed to be when he
madethedecisionthathedidn’tcarewhethertheymadeittogetherornot.That
decision represented a conscious letting go of trying to control something that
wasclearlynotinhiscontrol.Ironically,hesharedthattheprocessoflettinggo
allowedhimtoreceivewhathereallywanted.
BreakingFreeActivity#18
Thinkaboutone«gift»fromtheuniversewhichyouinitiallyresistedbut
cannowbeseenasapositivestimulusforgrowthordiscovery.
Arethere anysimilargifts inyourliferight nowtowhichyou needto
surrender?
Sharethisinformationwithasafeperson.
DwellingInRealityHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
NiceGuystrytocontroltheirworldbycreatingbeliefsystemsaboutpeopleand
situations that are not based in reality. They then act as if these beliefs are
accurate.Thisiswhytheirbehavioroftenseemsillogicaltooutsideobservers.
Les, an unassuming man in his late thirties, had a brief affair with a co-
worker.DuringhisinitialtherapysessionIaskedLeswhyhethoughthehadan
affair.«Idon’tknow,»hereplied,«IguessIjustwantedsomeattention.»
Icontinuedbyaskinghimhowheexpressedhisangertowardhiswife.With
apuzzledlook,heresponded,«InevergetangryatSarah.»
«You mean you two have been marriedfor 10 years and she’s never done
anythingtopissyouoff?»Iaskedinmocksurprise.
TolistentoLestalkabouthiswife,itwasevidenthehadheronapedestal.It
was as equally clear that he was not dwelling in reality when it came to his
marriage. When I asked specific questions about his wife, Les revealed how
Sarahhadgained60poundssincetheymarried,refusedtocook,wasdepressed,
nolongerwantedtohavesexwithhim,treatedhimwithcontempt,andwould
rageathimwithoutprovocation.Inspiteofallthesethings,Lesmaintainedthat
hiswifewasthewomanofhisdreamsandthathelovedherdearly.
Throughoutthenextfewmonthsoftherapy,Iconsistentlyheldupamirror
ofrealitytoLesinregardtohiswifeandhisrelationshipwithher.Thiswasa
slowanddifficultprocess.LesneededtoseeSarahinacertainwaybecauseof
his fear of being alone. To dwell in reality might mean he would have to do
somethingfrighteningordifficult.
AsLesbegantofacehisfearsofabandonmenthealsobegantoseehiswife
moreaccurately.Thischangeallowedhimtostartaskingforwhathewanted,set
boundaries, and express his feelings of resentment and anger. It soon became
apparentthatSarahhadnodesiretolookatherroleintherelationshipormake
anykindofchanges.Thoughitwaspainfulandfrightening,acceptingthingsas
they really were allowed Les to make the decision to move out and file for
divorce.
Dwelling in reality allowed Les to look at why he had created the kind of
systemhehadwithSarah.Itputhiminapositiontomakedifficultbutrealistic
decisions. It allowed him to access the inner power he needed to make
significantchangesinhislife.Italsoopenedthedoorforhimtofindsomeone
whowasavailabletohelphimcreatethekindofrelationshiphewanted.
BreakingFreeActivity#19
Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of
control.Stepbackfromthesituation.Isthedifficultyyouarehavingwith
the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to
believeontoit?Ifyouhadtoaccepttherealityofthissituation,howmight
youchangeyourresponsetoit?
ExpressingFeelingsHelps
NiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPowerNiceGuysareterrifiedoftwokinds
offeelings—theirownandeveryoneelse’s.AnykindofintensitycausesNice
Guysto feel out of control.As children, feeling things intenselyinvited either
negativeattentionornoattentionatall.Therefore,itcametofeelsafertoclamp
aliddowntightlyonanyemotionthatmightattracttoomuchnegativeattention
ormightcausethemtofeelabandoned.
I remember early in our marriage when Elizabeth would express her
frustrationovermyinabilitytosharewhatIwasfeeling.LikemostNiceGuys,I
had come to see feelings as a dangerous thing. After 30 plus years of
conditioning,IhadnocluewhatElizabethwantedfromme.
Even as I began to become aware of my feelings, I often kept them to
myself.It is almostcomical how infrequentlyit crosses a Nice Guy’s mind to
tell his partner what he is feeling. On one occasion Elizabeth confronted me
whenIsharedafeelingwithherthatIhadbeenharboringforsometime.«Why
didn’tyoutellmeaboutthatwhenyoufirstfeltit?»shequestioned.
«I’mdoingbetter,»IrepliedintypicalNiceGuyfashion.«Itonlytookme
twoweekstogetaroundtotellingyou.»
IfrequentlyhearNiceGuysrationalizethewithholdingoftheirfeelingsby
claimingtheydon’twanttohurtanyone.Thetruthistheyarecoveringtheirown
butts. What they are really saying is that they don’t want to do anything that
mightrecreatetheirchildhoodexperiences.They’rereallynottryingto protect
anyone from harm, they’re just trying to keep their world smooth and under
control.
IfrequentlytellNiceGuys,«Yourfeelingsarejustfeelings,theywon’tkill
you.»RegardlessofwhetheraNiceGuyisfeelinganxious,helpless,shameful,
lonely,rageful,orsad,hisfeelingsaren’tlife-threatening.
The goal of teaching Nice Guys to embrace their feelings is not to make
themsoftand«touchy-feely.»
Men who are in touch with their feelings are powerful, assertive, and
energized.ContrarytowhatmanyNiceGuysbelieve,theydon’thavetobecome
morelikewomeninordertohavetheirfeelings.ThisiswhyIsupportmenin
learningabouttheirfeelingsfromothermen.
Whilethereisnoformula,or«right»waytogetreconnectedwithrepressed
feelings,supportgroupscanteach,model,andsupportthisslow,butimportant
process. In a sense, a therapy group can become like a family. In this
environment,recoveringNiceGuyscanaskforthekindofhelpindealingwith
feelings that was never available to them as children. Since feelings are often
messy, a group environment can represent a supportive place to momentarily
feel out of control. Here, recovering Nice Guys find out they won’t fall
overboard and drown if they rock the boat. They also learn that they won’t
shrivelupanddieifsomeoneelsearoundthemhasafeeling.
Feelingsareanintegralpartofhumanexistence.Bylearningthelanguageof
feelings,recoveringNiceGuyscanbegintoletgoofalifetimeofunnecessary
baggage.Astheydo,theyexperienceanewfoundenergy,optimism,intimacy,
andzestforlife.
This reality hit home with me a few years ago in a very unexpected way.
Elizabethcametome one day and revealedthatshe had backed into aparked
car.Shefeltlikeabadlittlechildandwaitedformetoscoldher.EvenbeforeI
hadachancetorespond,shebegantoputupawallandwithdrawasawayof
protectingherself.
I got angry —not about the car, but about the manner in which she was
pushingmeaway.Iexpressedmyfeelingsclearlyanddirectly.Withoutshaming
orattackingIsaid«Stop.»Withanintensityofemotionthatsurprisedbothofus,
IletherknowthatIwasn’tpushingherawayandIwasn’tgoingtoaccepther
pushingmeaway.ItoldherthatIdidhavefeelingsaboutthecar,butIhadeven
strongerfeelingsabouthowshewasacting.Isaid,«Justletmehavemyfeelings
aboutthecar,andthenwe’llworkitout.»
Later,Elizabethrevealedtome(andseveralofherfriends)howmuchsafer
shefeltwhenIhadmyfeelings.ShewasabletohearthatIwasupsetaboutthe
carbutthatIdidn’tthinkshewasbadandIwasn’tgoingtoabandonher.The
factthatIhadsuchintensityaboutnotlettingherpushmeawayactuallymade
herfeelsecureandloved.Asaresult,shefeltsafetostayconnectedtomeand
hear my feelings about the car. The whole incident brought us closer and has
sinceprovidedareferencepointforthehealingpowerofexpressingemotionsin
powerfulanddirectways.
BreakingFreeActivity#20
Someguidelinesaboutexpressingfeelings.
Don’tfocusontheotherperson,«Youaremakingmemad.»
Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: «I am feeling
angry.»
Don’tusefeelingwordstodescribewhatyouarethinking,asin«Ifeellike
Joewastryingtotakeadvantageofme.»
Instead,payattentiontowhatyouareexperiencinginyourbody:«I’m
feelinghelplessandfrightened.»
Ingeneral,trytobeginfeelingstatementswith«I»,ratherthan«you.»
Trytoavoidthecrutchofsaying«Ifeellike.»Asin«Ifeellikeyouare
beingmeantome.»
FacingFearsHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Fear is a normal part of human experience. Everyone experiences fear, even
thosepeoplewhoseemtobefearless.Healthyfearisawarningsignthatdanger
maybeapproaching.ThisisdifferentfromthefearNiceGuysexperienceona
dailybasis.
ForNiceGuys,fearisrecordedatthecellularlevel.Itisamemoryofevery
seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of
absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs
met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that
discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality
thatlifeismessyandchaoticandanykindofchangepromisesajourneyintothe
unknown.Icallthiskindoffear,MemoryFear.
Becauseofthememoryfearcreatedinchildhood,NiceGuysstillapproach
theworldasifitisdangerousandoverpowering.To cope with these realities,
NiceGuystypicallyhunkerdownandplayitsafe.
Asaconsequenceofplayingitsafe,NiceGuysexperiencealotofneedless
suffering.
Sufferingbecausetheyavoidnewsituations.
Sufferingbecausetheystaywiththefamiliar.
Sufferingbecausetheyprocrastinate,avoid,andfailtofinishwhattheystart.
Sufferingbecausetheymakeabadsituationworsebydoingmoreofwhathas
neverworkedinthepast.
Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the
uncontrollable.
Nolan is a good example of the paralyzing effect of memory fear. Nolan
cametoseemeontherecommendationofafriend.Hehadbeenseparatedfrom
hiswifeforayearbutwashavingadifficulttimemakingafinaldecisionabout
gettingdivorced.
Nolanfrequentlytoldmehewas«confused.»Thisconfusionwasmixedwith
astrongdoseofguilt.
Nolan constantly weighed all the issues. What if he left his wife and later
realizedthatitwasamistake?
Whatifhemesseduphiskids'lives?Whatifhischildrenneverwantedto
talktohimagain?Whatifhisfriendsthoughthewasbad?WhatifGodsenthim
to hell? As long as Nolan stayed «confused» about what he should do, he
remainedparalyzed.
WhenItoldNolanthatIdidn’tthinkhewasconfusedbutthathewasafraid,
hewasinitiallydefensive.
Hedidn’tlikeseeinghimselfasbeingfearful.Asweexploredthememory
fearfromhischildhood,hecametorealizethatanymistakeshemadeasachild
seemedtohaveeverlastingconsequences.Hebelievedthesamewouldbetruein
hispresentsituation.
Behind Nolan’s fear of making a decision was the childhood fear that he
wouldn’tbeabletohandlewhateverhappened.Togetherwebrainstormedallthe
possibleconsequencesofdivorcinghiswife.
Behind each potential consequence was the unconscious belief that he
wouldn’tbeabletohandleit.
IsentNolanhomewithhislistoffearsalongwithamoreaccuratestatement
about each: No matter what happened, he would handle it. The following
week,Nolanproudlyannouncedthathehadcontactedanattorney.Eventhough
hefelttremendousfearandanxiety,hefoundcourageinrepeatinghisnewfound
mantra:«Icanhandleit
Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every
timetheNiceGuyconfrontsafear,heunconsciouslycreatesabeliefthathecan
handle whatever it is he is afraid of. This challenges his memory fear.
Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less
threatening.
Asthesethingsseemlessfrightening,hefeelsmoreconfidentinconfronting
them.Themorethisconfidencegrows,thelessthreateninglifeseems.
BreakingFreeActivity#21
List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to
confrontthe fear, begin repeatingto yourself, «I can handle it. No matter
whathappens,Iwillhandleit.»Keeprepeatingthismantrauntilyoutake
actionandstopfeelingfear.
DevelopingIntegrityHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality,
Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or
withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest
people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding
thetruthrobsNiceGuysoftheirpersonalpower.
Idefinelyingasanythinglessthanthetruth.Thismayseemevidenttomost
people, but it is important to define «lying,» and «telling the truth,» because
NiceGuysare adept at creating definitionsthatjustifytheirbehavior. It is not
unusualtohearthemmakestatementslike«I’mprettyhonest»or«I’mhonest
mostofthetime»withouttheslightestawarenessoftheircontradictionofterms.
Inalmostachildlikemanner,NiceGuyswilloftenofferthefollowingdefense:
«Ididn’tlie,Ijustdidn’ttelleverything.»
Joelwastheownerofasuccessfulconstructioncompany.Onoccasion,he
would leave work a little early and catch an afternoon movie before heading
home. Because he feared his wife’s disapproval, he would refrain from telling
her how he spent those afternoons. He would always have some cover story
readyincaseshetriedtocallhimwhilehewasout.Theironyofthesituationis
thattherewasabsolutelynoreasonforJoeltolietohiswife.Inspiteofallthe
effortJoelputintohidingthetruthofhiswhereabouts,itnevercrossedhismind
that he was lying to himself and to his wife. The bottom line was that Joel’s
lyingperpetuatedafear-basedrelationshipwithhiswifeandrobbedhimofhis
personalpower.
When Nice Guys are learning to tell the truth I encourage them to pay
attentionto the things they least want othersto know,what they least want to
reveal.Thesearethethingstheyaremostlikelytoholdback—andthethings
they most need to tell. Sometimes they have to practice telling a certain truth
severaltimesuntilallofthesepiecesofinformationgettold.
Sometimes after telling the truth, Nice Guys will report that it was a
«mistake»becausesomeonereactedwithanger.Tellingthetruthisnotamagic
formulaforhavingasmoothlife.Butlivingalifeofintegrityisactuallyeasier
thanlivingonebuiltarounddeceitanddistortion.
Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy
Syndrome.
Mydefinitionofintegrityis«decidingwhatfeelsrightanddoingit.»
Thealternativeisusingthe«committeeapproach.»Thismethodofdecision-
makingandactingisbasedontryingtoguesswhateveryoneelsewouldthinkis
right.Followingthiscommitteeapproachisthequickestpathtoconfusion,fear,
powerlessness,anddishonesty.
When applying the definition above, there are two ways to be out of
integrity,butonlyonewaytobeinit.WhenaNiceGuyneverevenbothersto
askhimself,«WhatdoIthinkisright?»orusesthecommitteemethod,hewill
alwaysbeoutofintegrity.Ifheaskshimselfwhathebelievesisrightbutdoesn’t
doit,heisalsooutofintegrity.Onlybyaskinghimselfwhathebelievesisright
andthendoingitdoeshebecomeamanofintegrity.
BreakingFreeActivity#22
Chooseoneareainwhichyouhavebeenoutofintegrity.Identifyyourfear
that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this
situationtoasafeperson.Thengoandtellthetruthordowhatyouhaveto
dotomakethesituationright.Tellyourselfyoucanhandleit.Sincetelling
the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone
involvedwillsurvivethiscrisis.
SettingBoundariesHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Boundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice
Guys to stop feeling like helpless victims and reclaim their personal power.
BoundarysettingisoneofthemostfundamentalskillsIteachtorecoveringNice
Guys.
I demonstrate the concept of boundaries by laying a shoestring on the
ground.ItelltheNiceGuythatIamgoingtocrosshisboundaryandpushhim
backwards.Iinstructhimtostopmewhenhebeginstofeeluncomfortable.Itis
not unusual for a Nice Guy to stand well back from the line, allowing me to
violate his space several steps before he even begins to respond. Once I start
pushing, it’s not uncommon for a Nice Guy to let me push him back several
steps before he does anything to stop me. Sometimes a Nice Guy will let me
pushhimallthewaytothewall.
Iusethisexerciseasagraphicdemonstrationoftheneedforboundariesin
allareasoflife.NiceGuysareusuallymorecomfortableback-pedaling,giving
in,andkeepingthepeace.Theybelieveiftheytakeonemorestepbackward,the
otherpersonwillquitpushing,andtheneverythingwillbesmooth.
ItisnotunusualforrecoveringNiceGuystogoalittleoverboardwhenthey
first learn about boundary setting. They have a tendency to swing from one
extreme to another. They become Kamikaze boundary setters. They try to set
boundaries with a sledge hammer or machete. They usually learn in time that
theyonlyhavetouseasmuchresistanceasnecessarytogetthejobdone.
Intime,theyalsolearnthatboundarysettingisn’taboutgettingotherpeople
to be different, but about getting themselves to be different. If someone is
crossingtheirboundary,itisn’ttheotherperson’sproblem,itistheirs.
Becauseofmemoryfear,NiceGuysoftenunconsciouslyreinforcethevery
behaviors they find intolerable. Due to their childhood conditioning, they
teachthepeoplearoundthemthattheywillaccepthavingtheirboundaries
violated.AsrecoveringNiceGuysbegintotakeresponsibilityforhowtheylet
peopletreatthem,theirownbehaviorbeginstochange.Astheystopreinforcing
things they aren’t willing to tolerate, the people around them are given the
opportunity to behave differently. This gives relationships a chance to survive
andgrow.
Jake, an enlisted man in his mid-twenties, is a good example of how
toleratingintolerablebehaviorcankillarelationship,andhowsettingboundaries
cangivearelationshipachancetosurvive.
JustpriortohismarriagetohiswifeJenny,Jennyhadanaffairwithanold
boyfriend.BecauseJakedidn’twanttoloseher,heforgaveherandpromisedto
never bring up her infidelity. This established a pattern of Jenny pretty much
doing whatever she wanted while Jake withheld his feelings and walked on
eggshells.Hewouldalwaysmeasurehiswordsinordertoavoidsayinganything
«wrong»thatmightupsether.
Ononeoccasion,whiletheywereoutdrinkingwithsomefriends,Jennygot
drunk.Whenevershehadtoomuchtodrinkshewouldbecomebelligerentand
promiscuous.OnthisoccasionshemadeseveraldemeaningremarkstoJakeand
spentmostoftheeveningslowdancingwithothermeninthebar.
Afterholdinghistongueaslongashecould,JakefinallytoldJennythatshe
wasdrunkandthatitwastimetogohome.Shesworeathimandkeptondoing
whatshewasdoing.Jakeretaliatedbycallinghera«bitch»anddrovehome.
OneofherfriendsbroughtJennyhomethenextmorning.Fortherestofthe
dayshegaveJakethesilenttreatment.Hetriedtoholdout,butafterafewhours
ofmisery,heapologizedforcallingherabitch.
Laterthatweek,hesomewhatreluctantlytalkedabouttheepisodeinhisNo
MoreMr.NiceGuy!group.
The group members lovingly confronted him. They pointed out how his
willingnesstotoleratehiswife’sintolerablebehaviorgaveheralicensetoactin
anywayshepleased.TheytoldJakethattheproblemwasnotJenny,itwashim.
UntilJakechanged,hiswifewouldhavenoincentivetochange.Bynotsetting
boundaries he was robbing his marriage of the opportunity to become what it
couldbe.
The next day, Jake confronted his wife. He acknowledged his role in their
situation. He told her that he was no longer going to tolerate intolerable
behavior.Hetoldherhisboundaries.HewouldnolongertolerateJennydancing
orflirtingwithothermen.Hewouldnottolerateherdemeaninghiminfrontof
theirfriends.Hetoldherthatifshewantedtostaymarriedtohim,shehadtogo
totreatmentforherdrinkingproblem.
JennyrespondedbytellingJakethatnoonewasgoingtotellherwhattodo.
Shepackedabagandmovedoutthatnighttoafriend’shouse.EventhoughJake
wasmiserablethenextfewdays,heresistedthetemptationtocallherandbeg
hertocomeback.Instead,hecalledsomeguysinthegroup.
Threenightslater,Jennycalledandsaidshewantedtotalk.Shecameover
andtoldJakethateventhoughsheinitiallywantedtotellhimtogotohell,she
knewhewasright.Forthefirsttimeintheirmarriage,shesaidshefeltrespect
for him. She said she wanted to save their marriage and was willing to do
whateverittooktomakeitwork.ThefollowingweekJennyenteredtreatment.
BreakingFreeActivity#23
Beforeyoucanstartsettingboundaries,youhavetobecomeawareofhow
muchyoubackupfromyourlinetoavoidconflictortokeepthepeace.For
thenext week, observe yourself. Do yousay«yes»whenyouwouldrather
say «no»? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid
doingsomethingbecausesomeonemightgetupsetatyou?Doyoutolerate
an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these
observationsdownandsharethemwithasafeperson.
TakeAWalkOnTheWildSide
There is no «key» to a smooth life. Being «good» or doing it «right» doesn’t
insulateNiceGuysfromthechaotic,ever-changingrealitiesoflife.AlltheNice
Guyparadigmdoesiscreatewimpymenwhoallowbulliestokicksandintheir
faceorshamethemforloadingthedishwasher«wrong.»
AsrecoveringNiceGuysbegintosurrender,dwellinreality,expresstheir
feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a
powerthatallowsthemtowelcomeandembracethechallengesand«gifts»of
life.Lifeisn’tamerry-go-round,it’sarollercoaster.Astheyreclaimpersonal
power,recoveringNiceGuyscanexperiencetheworldinallofitsserendipitous
beauty.Lifewon’talwaysbesmooth,itmaynotalwaysbepretty,butitwillbe
anadventure—onenottobemissed.
Chapter6
ReclaimYourMasculinity
Contrarytotheprevailing sentiments of the last fewdecades,itis OK to bea
guy.
MenbornafterWorldWarIIhadthemisfortuneofgrowingupduringthe
onlyeraofrecentwesternhistoryinwhichitwasnotalwaysagoodthingtobe
male.Thiswasprimarilytheresultoftwosignificantfamilyandsocialchanges
in the post war era: 1) boys were disconnected from their fathers and other
healthymalerolemodels,and2)boyswereforcedtoseekapprovalfromwomen
andacceptafemaledefinitionofwhatitmeanttobemale.
Asaresultofthesetwodynamics,manyboysandmencametobelievethat
theyhadtohideoreliminateanynegativemaletraits(likethoseoftheirfathers
orother«bad»men)andbecomewhattheybelievedwomenwantedthemtobe.
Formanymen,thislifestrategyseemedessentialiftheywantedtobeloved,get
theirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife.
Duetothecontinuingsocialchangeofthelasthalfofthe20thcentury,this
belief system is no longer limited to just men of the baby boom generation. I
frequently observe men in their thirties, twenties, and teens, with strong Nice
Guytraits.Itseemsthateachsuccessivegenerationofmenarebecomingmore
andmorepassive.
ThissocialconditioningeffectsNiceGuysinmanyways:
NiceGuystendtobedisconnectedfromothermen.
NiceGuystendtobedisconnectedfromtheirownmasculinity.
NiceGuystendtobemonogamoustotheirmothers.
NiceGuystendtobedependentontheapprovalofwomen.
NiceGuysTendToBeDisconnectedFromOtherMen.
IfrequentlyhearNiceGuysmakecommentssuchas:
«I’mjustnotcomfortablewithothermen.Idon’tknowwhattotalkabout.»
«Mostmenarejerks.»
«Iusedtohavemalefriends,butmywifemadeitsuchahassletodothings
withthemthatIjustgaveup.»
«Itendtobealoner.»
ManyNiceGuyshavedifficultyconnectingwithmenbecauseofthelimited
positivemalecontacttheyexperiencedinchildhood.Becausethesemendidnot
have a positive bond with their father, they never learned the basic skills
necessarytobuildmeaningfulrelationshipswithmen.
AnothercommontraitamongNiceGuysisthebeliefthattheyaredifferent
fromothermen.This distorted thinking usually began inchildhoodwhen they
triedto be different from their «bad» or unavailablefather.Inadulthood,Nice
Guys often create a similar dynamic with men in general. Nice Guys may
convincethemselvestheyaredifferentfrom(betterthan)othermenbecausethey
believe:
Theyaren’tcontrolling.
Theyaren’tangryandrageful.
Theyaren’tviolent.
Theyareattentivetoawoman’sneeds.
Theyaregoodlovers.
Theyaregoodfathers.
As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are
different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive
benefitsofmalecompanionshipandthepowerofamasculinecommunity.
BreakingFreeActivity#24
Look over the list above. Note the ways you have consciously or
unconsciouslytriedtobedifferentfromyourfatherand/orothermen.How
does the belief that you are different keep you disconnected from other
men?
NiceGuysTendToBeDisconnectedFromTheirMasculinity
Idefinemasculinityasthatpartofamanthatequipshimtosurviveasan
individual,clan,andspecies.Withoutthismasculineenergywewouldhaveall
becomeextincteonsago.Masculinityempowersamantocreateandproduce.It
also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him.
These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion,
persistence,andintegrity.
Masculine energy also represents the potential for aggressiveness,
destructiveness, and brutality. These characteristics frighten Nice Guys —and
mostwomen—thereforeNiceGuysworkespeciallyhardtorepressthesetraits.
MostNiceGuysbelievethatbyrepressingthedarkersideoftheirmasculine
energytheywillwintheapprovalofwomen.Thisseemslogicalconsideringthe
anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s. Ironically,
these same men frequently complain that women seemed to be attracted to
«jerks»ratherthanNiceGuyslikethem.Manywomenhavesharedwithmethat
duetotheabsenceofanydiscerniblelifeenergyinNiceGuys,thereislittleto
beattractedto.Theyalsorevealthattheirtendencytobeattractedto«jerks»is
becausethesemenhavemoreofamasculineedgetothem.
As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also
repressmanyotheraspectsofthismaleenergyforce.Asaresult,theyoftenlose
theirsexualassertiveness,competitiveness,creativity,ego,thirstforexperience,
boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power. Go watch little boys on the
playgroundandyouwillseethesequalities.Iamconvincedthatthesearegood
thingsworthkeeping.
Oneofthemostvisibleconsequencesoftherepressionofmasculineenergy
inNiceGuysistheirlackofleadershipintheirfamilies.Outoffearofupsetting
their girlfriend or wife, or appearing too much like their controlling,
authoritarian,orabusivefathers,NiceGuysfrequentlyfailtobetheleadertheir
family needs. Consequently, the job of leading the family often falls on their
wives.MostofthewomenItalktodon’twantthisjob,butenduptakingitby
default.
NiceGuysTendToBeMonogamousToTheirMothers
Becomingandremainingmonogamoustotheirmothersisacommonpatternfor
Nice Guys. This unconscious bond is the result of a normal childhood
developmentalphenomenongoneamuck.Letmeexplain.
Alllittleboysnaturallyfallinlovewiththeirmotheranddesiretohaveher
alltothemselves.Healthymothersandfathershelptheirsonssuccessfullymove
through this normal developmental stage. As they do, the young boy
individuates from his mother, bonds with men, and becomes available for an
intimaterelationshipwithanotherwomaninadulthood.
Each parent plays a significant role in facilitating this healthy transition.
First, the mother must know how to give enough to meet the child’s needs
withoutcreatingdependency.Shemustalsoknowhowtogetherownneedsmet
sosheisnottemptedtousehersontofillthevoid.Second,thefathermustbe
present and have a healthy bond with his son. This connection helps the little
boymovefromthecozylapofhismothertothechallengingworldofmen.
As stated above, most Nice Guys do not report having had close a
relationship with their father in childhood. As a result, many Nice Guys were
forcedintoanunhealthybondwiththeirmother.Thisbondmighthaveformedif
theyhadtopleaseanangry,critical,orcontrollingmother.Moreoftenthannot,
thebond was the resultof being forced totakecare of aneedy, dependent, or
smotheringmother.
Without a supportive father, these boys had to negotiate an impossible
situationontheirown.
Bothchildhoodsituations—tryingtopleaseanangryorcontrollingmother,
or becoming mother’s little friend— created a dynamic in which Nice Guys
unconsciouslybecamemonogamoustotheirmothersanddidnotindividuateina
healthyway.
WhenaNiceGuyhasbeenconditionedtobemonogamoustohismotherin
childhood, his adult wife or girlfriend will know at some level that he is not
reallyavailable.Thewifeorgirlfriendmaynotconsciouslyconnectthistohis
bondwithhismother,butsheknowssomethingismissing.
Anita, a woman in her late fifties, was married to a man who was
monogamous to his mother. I met Anita when she called and made an
appointmentforindividualcounseling.Shebelievedherhusbandwashavingan
affairandshewantedsomeadvice.Aswebeganoursessionshesatdownonthe
couchandsmilednervously.
«Ifeelsofoolish coming here, but Ijustdon’tknow who to talk to.Ifeel
crazy, because I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary. He
deniesitbutIknowsomethingisgoingon,there’sjusttoomuchevidence.»
Anita’ssmiledisappearedandwasreplacedwithalookofgrief.Shetooka
tissueanddabbedthecornerofhereye.
«Dutton,that’smyhusband,hasbeenthroughsomuchlately.He’sundera
lotofpressureatwork,thingshavebeentightfinancially,andhismotherdied
lastyear.HewasreallyclosetoherandIthinkitwasreallyhardonhim.»
Anitatoldofhersuspicionsofherhusband’sinfidelitybutthencamebackto
thesubjectofhismotheragain.
«IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dsayhisinfatuationwithhissecretarybeganright
after his mother died. It’s like he needed something to fill a hole in his life. I
alwayslikedhismother.Shewasanicelady,butIalwayshadthefeelingthat
Duttonwasmoreconnectedtoherthanhewastome.Isthatcrazy?»sheasked
quizzically.«Tobejealousofyourmotherinlaw?»
IencouragedAnitatotellmemoreaboutDutton’sfamily.
«Other than his father,» She continued, «He believes it was great. That’s
becauseofhismotherofcourse.
She was a real saint. His father was extremely harsh with the kids. Their
momwastheonetheyturnedtofornurturing.Shewasreallygoodatlistening
andbeingthereforthem.»
Anita seemed relieved to be able to talk about something besides her
suspicionsofherhusband.
«Before she died, Dutton paid for them to get carpet in their house and
boughtthemtwonicerecliningchairsbecauseheknewhisfatherneverwould.
Heusedtodriveherplacesbecauseheknewhisfatherwouldn’t.Hetreatedhis
motherrealspecial—Ithinktomakeupforwhatshehadtogothroughliving
with his dad. One time I was angry at him and I accused him of treating his
motherbetterthanhetreatedme.Heblewup.»Anitamadeanexplosiongesture
withherarms.«Hetoldmetoneversaythatagain.
Hedidn’ttalktomefortwoweeksafterthat.Ilearnednottobringupthat
subject.»
Anita paused for moment. «Do you think there could be any connection
between his mom dying and him having an affair? They loved each other so
much.Maybehissecretaryfillsthatvoid.Doesthatsoundcrazytoyou?»
NiceGuysTendToSeekTheApprovalOfWomen
Duetotheirfamilyandsocialconditioning,NiceGuystendtoseektheapproval
women.Evenastheyaretryingtobecomewhattheybelievewomenwantthem
tobeanddoingwhattheybelievewomenwantthemtodo,NiceGuystendto
experience tremendous frustration in gaining the approval they so intensely
desire.
Thisfrustrationisdueto therealitythat ingeneral,womenviewmenwho
trytopleasethemasweakandholdthesemenincontempt.Mostwomendonot
want a man who tries to please them —they want a man who knows how to
please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a
passive,pleasingwimp.Theywantaman—someonewithhisballsstillintact.
GettingYourTesticlesBack
Avoiding relationships with men and seeking the approval of women prevents
NiceGuysfromgettingwhattheyreallywantinloveandlife.Inordertoreverse
the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome Nice Guys have to reclaim their
masculinity.Theprocessinvolvescomingtobelievethatitreallyisagoodthing
to be a man and embracing all of their masculine traits. Reclaiming one’s
masculinityinvolves:
Connectingwithothermen.
Gettingstrong.
Findinghealthymalerolemodels.
Reexaminingone’srelationshipwithone’sfather.
ConnectingWithMenHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirMasculinity
Connecting with men is essential for reclaiming masculinity. Building
relationships with men requires a conscious effort. This process begins with a
commitment to develop male friendships. In order to do this, recovering Nice
Guysmustbewillingtomakethetime,takerisks,andbevulnerable.Formost
Nice Guys, time seems to be a big factor that keeps them disconnected from
men.Ittakestimetotalkwithaneighbor,callupafriend,orgotoaballgame.
Since many Nice Guys are enmeshed with their wives, families, or work, this
meanstakingtimeawayfromthesethings.
Connectingwithmeninvolvesdoingguythingswithguys.Thereisnoright
waytodothis,butitcanincludejoiningateam,goingtosportingevents,joining
aprayerordiscussiongroup,havingapokernight,doingvolunteerwork,going
fishing,goingforarun,orjusthangingout.
AlanisanexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuymakes
the decision to connect with men. Alan had a difficult time doing things for
himself,especiallywithothermen. When he madeaconscious effort to begin
addressingthisissuehehadto firsttakea lookatwhatkept himdisconnected
frommenandwhathecoulddotostartchangingthepattern.
One of the first things Alan did was to join a men’s therapy group. Even
then,ittookmorethanayearbeforehebegandoingthingswiththemenoutside
of the group. As he did, these men were able to give him feedback about his
defense mechanisms that kept him isolated. These men also supported him in
changingthewaysherelatedtohiswife.
Alan also joined a health club where he started playing volleyball and
racquetballwithothermen.Later,hetooktheleadinstartingupasoftballteam.
Atfirstitwasdifficulttotaketimeoutjustforhimself,especiallywhenitmeant
beingawayfromhisfamily.
Ittookafewyears,butAlannowhasacoupleofclosemalefriendsaswell
asseveralotherguysheseesonaregularbasis.Heeventakesayearlyroadtrip
withfriendsacrossthecountryforaweekendofgolf.
Helooksatthesetripswiththeguysasoneofthehighlightsofhisyear.
BothAlanandhiswifeMariebelieveAlan’sconsciousdecisiontoconnect
withmensavedtheirmarriage.Alanhadmadehiswifehisemotionalcenter.His
life revolved around trying to please her and make her happy. Due to his
ineffectivecovertcontracts,AlanneverbelievedMariegaveasmuchtohimas
hegavetoher.Asaresult,hewasoftenresentfulandpassive-aggressive.When
Alanbegantogethisemotionalandsocialneedsmetwithmen,ittookalotof
pressureoffhiswife.
As Alan reclaimed his masculine energy, he also began to look more
attractivetoMarie.Eventhoughitwasinitiallydifficulttotellherthathewas
going to spend time with his friends, she respected him when he did. This
newfoundrespectrekindledthefeelingsshefirstfelttowardAlanearlyintheir
relationship.
As Alan found out, there are numerous benefits from developing male
relationships.PerhapsoneofthemostsignificantbenefitsforNiceGuysisthatit
improves their relationships with women. I consistently tell Nice Guys, «The
bestthingyoucandoforyourrelationshipwithyourgirlfriendorwifeistohave
male friends.» As they get many of their emotional needs met with men,
recoveringNiceGuysbecomelessdependent,needy,manipulativeandresentful
intheirrelationshipswithwomen.
DevelopingmalerelationshipsmakesrecoveringNiceGuyslesssusceptible
to seeking women’s approval or allowing themselves to be defined by the
oppositesex.IftheNiceGuy’sgirlfriendorwifeisangryathimorthinksheisa
jerk,hecantakecomfortinknowinghisbuddiesthinkheisOK.Heistherefore
less likely to resort to peacekeeping or fixing to try and keep his wife or
girlfriendhappy.
Friendshipswithmenhavethepotentialfortremendousdepthandintimacy
because there is no sexual agenda. A Nice Guy will frequently avoid doing
anythingthatmightupsethiswifeorgirlfriendandcausehertonotwanttohave
sex with him. With men, recovering Nice Guys don’t feel like they have to
please, placate, lie, caretake or sacrifice like they believe they have to with
women.Nothavingasexualagendaremovesthefearanddysfunctionaldances
socommonforNiceGuysintheirrelationshipswiththeoppositesex.
BreakingTheMonogamousBondToMom
DevelopingmalerelationshipshelpsundoaNiceGuy’smonogamousbondwith
hismother.Littleboysgetpulledintounhealthyrelationshipswiththeirmothers
only when their fathers allow it. The solution to reversing this dynamic is
creatinghealthyrelationshipswithmen.
When my daughter Jamie was 18, she had a boyfriend who had been
conditioned to be monogamous to his mother. The boy’s father frequently
traveled for his job, was emotionally unavailable, rigid, and demanding. The
boy’smothersmotheredhersonandmadehimheremotionalpartner.
On several occasions, Jamie felt as if she were competing with her
boyfriend’s mother for his attention and affection. Unfortunately, since the
mother had first dibs on him, she usually won. It felt strange to Jamie to be
jealous of and in competition with her boyfriend’s mother. Nevertheless, she
passedthesituationoffasjustacaseofherboyfriendandhismotherhavinga
very«close»relationship.
OneFridaynight,JamieandIwentoutfordinner.Whileweate,sheshared
herfrustrationofhavingtocompetewithherboyfriend’smother,especiallynow
thathehadjoinedtheMarinesandwasawayatbootcamp.Iempathizedwith
mydaughterandsharedthefactsoflifewithher.
«YourboyfriendisaclassicNiceGuy,»Itoldher.«Hehasbeenconditioned
tobemonogamoustohismother.Unfortunately,thatmeansthathewillnever
reallybeabletobondcompletelywithyou.
Somethingwillalwaysgetintheway.Youmaybetemptedtofocusonthat
thing,asifitistheproblem.
Buttherealproblemishisrelationshipwithhismother.»
Jamie wasn’t thrilled with what I told her, but for an 18-year-old she was
pretty intuitive and knew what I was saying was true. She even shared a few
examplesofthewaysshehadalreadyseenthishappen.
«Isthereanyhope?»Jamieasked.«Canheeverbreakfreefromhismother
andbecomeavailableforme?»
«Yes,» I said, «there is one hope. He has to learn to connect with men in
waysthathecouldn’twithhisfather.Ithinkitisagoodthing,»Itoldher,«that
heisintheMarinesandconnectingwithmen.Youcansupportthattoo.Ifyou
twocontinuedatingorevenmarry,encouragehisrelationshipswithmen.They
are the one hope you have of him breaking his monogamous bond with his
mother.»
A month or so later, Jamie flew down to San Diego with her boyfriend’s
parents to attend his graduation from boot camp. As usual, his mother acted
possessive and territorial. Amazingly, Jamie noticed a difference in her
boyfriend.Onseveraloccasions,hesetboundarieswithhismotherandrefused
to let her hook an emotional hose up to him. Jamie could tell that this was
primarily the result of her boyfriend having bonded with several guys in boot
campandfromembracinghisownmasculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#25
List three men whom you would like to get to know better. Next to each
man’snamelistapossibleactivityyoucoulddotogether.Nexttothis,write
downadateandmakeacommitmenttocontacthimbythisday.
GettingStrongHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirMasculinity
Masculinity denotes strength and power. Because of their conditioning, Nice
Guys tend to fear these traits. As a result, they often become emotionally and
physicallysoft.Someeventakeprideinthissoftness.I’vemetmanyNiceGuys
whoworkoutorpracticemartialarts,butwhoarestillafraidoftheirstrength.
Embracing one’s masculinity mean’s embracing one’s body, power, and
spaciousness.Inordertodothis,recoveringNiceGuyshavetostopputtingjunk
into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being
male.Thisinvolveseatinghealthyfoods,eliminatingdrugsandalcohol,working
out,drinkinglotsofwater,playing,relaxing,andgettingenoughrest.Whether
the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts,
playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into
self-confidenceandpowerineveryotheraspectofhislife.
Travis,anattorneyinhisearlyfiftiesisagoodexample.Traviscametosee
me to deal with his marital difficulties. During the first session of counseling,
two things became immediately evident: First, Travis was a Nice Guy, and
second,hehadadrugandalcoholproblem.ItoldhimIwouldworkwithhim
onlyifhegotadrugandalcoholassessment,quitdrinking,andstartedattending
AlcoholicsAnonymous.
Traviscompliedwithallmyboundariesandaskedifhecouldjoinoneofthe
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groups.
Overthenextseveralmonths,Travis’srelationshipwithhiswifewasupand
downlikeayo-yo.Inadditiontomaritalproblems,italsobecameapparentthat
Travishadanumberofotherlifestyleproblems.Hisdietconsistedprimarilyof
fastfood.Hewasachainsmokerandhedrankseveralcupsofcoffeeaday.He
workedlonghoursandgotabsolutelynoexercise.
Overthenextseveralmonths,Travisbegantoaddresstheseissuesoneata
time.HestartedtakingtimeawayfromworktoattendAAmeetingsandspend
time with other recovering men. He decided to have a surgery he had been
putting off for years. Since he wouldn’t be able to smoke for a few days, he
decideditwasagoodtimetoquitforgood.Afterhissurgery,hebegangoingfor
walksduringhislunchhour.
He started drinking more water and cut back on his coffee and soft drink
consumption.Heeventookaweekofffromworkandwentfishingwithsome
friendsinAlaska.
About 10 months after joining the Nice Guy group, he shared that he was
filingfordivorce.Withhislifestylechangesandthesupportofthegrouphehad
come to realize that his combative relationship with his wife was his last bad
habitthatneededtogo.Whilerelayinghisdecisiontothegroup,herevealedthat
his wife blamed the group for killing their marriage. Travis smiled and then
wipedatearfromthecornerofhiseye.«Thankstothisgroup,Ifeelstrong.I
nevercouldhavemadethesechangeswithoutyourhelp.Thisgroupdidn’tkill
mymarriage,itsavedmylife.»
BreakingFreeActivity#26
Identifythreewaysinwhichyouneglectyourbody.Writedownthreeways
inwhichyoucanstarttakingbettercareofyourself.
Seeking Out Healthy Role Models Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their
Masculinity
Iencourage recovering Nice Guys to visualize what they think ahealthy male
wouldlooklikeandthinkofhealthymasculinetraitstheywouldliketodevelop.
With that picture in mind, they can go out and look for men who have these
kinds of qualities. These men may be in their church, their company, their
softball team, even characters on TV or the movies. By observing how these
men live their lives and interact with the world, the Nice Guy can begin
assimilatingahealthiermodelofmanhood.
Like many recovering Nice Guys, I have done this work by committee. I
developed a friendship with one man who was good at doing guy things. I
formed a relationship with another guy who was a hard worker. I created a
relationshipwithamanwhowascomfortablerevealinghimselfandsharinghis
feelings. I made another friend who was good at taking risks and challenging
himself.Eachofthesemenintheirownwayhelpedmeseewhatitlooksliketo
bemaleandhavebeenrolemodelsforreclaimingmyownmasculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#27
Visualizewhatyouthinkahealthymalewouldlooklike.Whatpersonality
traitswouldheposses?
Write these down. Do you know anyone who has a number of these
traits?Howcouldyouusethispersonasahealthyrolemodel?
Reexamining Their Relationship With Their Father Helps Nice Guys
ReclaimTheirMasculinity
As I’ve mentioned before, most Nice Guys do not report having had a close
relationship with their father in childhood. Either their fathers were passive,
unavailable,absent,ordefinedinsomenegativeway.
Reclaiming their masculinity requires that Nice Guys examine their
relationshipswiththeirfathersandtakealookatthemthroughadulteyes.
Matthew, a computer programmer in his mid-forties is a good example of
this process. On one occasion in a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Matthew
statedthathehadnointentionofattendinghisfather’sfuneralifheshoulddie.
Monthslater,afterexploringhisrelationshipwithhisfatheringroup,hedecided
tocallandconfronthisdadwhenhedidn’tgetinvitedtoafamilyfunction.
Matt’smother hadalwaysportrayedhis dadasavillainwhile representing
herself as a victim. While talking with his father, Matthew came to the
realizationthateventhoughhisdadhadproblems,hewasn’tbadlikehismother
hadmadehimouttobe.Fromthisencounter,Matthewalsorealizedthathehad
createdasimilarscenariowithhiswifeinwhichheidentifiedherasthevillain
and himself as the victim. Not only did that phone call to his father begin to
changehisrelationshipwithhisdad,butalsowithhiswife.
For Nice Guys, reexamining their relationship with their fathers means
seeingtheirdadsthroughtheirowneyesastheyreallyare.Itmeanstakingthem
outofthegutteroroffthepedestal.ThismayrequirethatNiceGuysholdthem
accountablebyexpressingtheirfeelingstothem—includingrageandanger.
Thisisessential,evenifthesemenaredead.Sometimesthistakesplacein
their fathers' presence, sometimes not. It’s not so important that the father is
availabletodothiswork.WhatisessentialisthatrecoveringNiceGuysembrace
themaleheritagetheyandtheirfathersshare.
Thegoalistofindawaytoviewfathersmoreaccurately.RecoveringNice
Guys can begin to accept these men for who they were and are —wounded
humanbeings.ThisshiftisessentialifNiceGuysaregoingtoviewthemselves
more accurately, accept themselves for who they are, and reclaim their
masculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#28
Embracing masculinity involves coming to see Dad more accurately. To
facilitate this process, create a list. On the left side, list a number of your
father’scharacteristics.Writetheoppositecharacteristicontherightside.
Indicatewhereonthespectrumbetweenthetwothatyouseeyourself.
WhenrecoveringNiceGuysdothisexercisetheyareoftensurprisedat
whattheydiscoverabouttheirfathersandthemselves.
Theyoftensee how they have madetheirfathersinto a caricature —a
distortionofwhotheyreallyare.
They may realize that if the man they have become is based on a
reaction to how they saw their fathers, they too have become caricatures.
Remember,theoppositeofcrazyisstillcrazy.
TheyrealizethatiftheirlivesareareactiontoDad,thenDadisstillin
control.
They discover that they can be different from Dad without being the
opposite.
Theyoftencome to realize that they havemore traits in common with
theirfathersthantheyhadpreviouslyrealizedorwantedtoaccept.
PassingTheBenefitsofMasculinityOnToTheNextGeneration
Part1:SnakesAndSnails
AsI work to raisemysons I realizethattheyare growing upina world very
much like the one that created my generation of Nice Guys. Boys are
disconnectedfrommenandaredependentongainingtheapprovalofwomen.
Thiswasbroughthometomeacoupleofyearsbackwhenourfamilymoved
toanewhome,thesummerbeforemysonSteveenteredthefourthgrade.When
I attended his PTA open house I was jolted with a dose of reality. In
kindergartenthroughfifthgrade,therewasonlyonemaleclassroomteacherin
thewholeschool.That’sabouta20-to-1ratio.Astheteacherswereintroduceda
grade at a time and then stood together on the gym floor, I received a visual
picture of the environment in which little boys spend the most impressionable
yearsoftheirlives.
AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ihaveauniquechancetopassanewmodelof
masculinitynotonlytomysonsanddaughter,buttoawholegenerationofboys
andgirls.ThemoretimeIspendworkingwithNiceGuys,themoreIrealizethat
this process represents a powerful tool for giving the next generation a saner
modelofwhatitmeanstobemenandwomen.
Unfortunately, our culture provides few rituals in which adult males help
boysleavethecomfortofanurseryruledbywomen(home,preschool,school)
andenter theworldofadultmanhood. RobertBlydiscussestheimportanceof
theseritualsinhisbookIronJohn.
In«primitive»societies,Blywrites,theboysareprettymuchraisedbythe
womenuntilearlyadolescence.Whenitistimefortheboystoleavethesphere
offemaleinfluenceandmoveintothemen’sworld,themenofthetribestagea
raid.Theyputontheirwarpaint,enterthevillage,andstealtheboysaway.The
women,oncue,weep,protest,anddotheirbesttohangontotheboys.Afterthe
men have taken the boys outside the village for their period of initiation, the
womengettogetherandask,
«HowdidI do? Was I believable?»Inthesecultures, the men and women
worktogethertofacilitatethisprocessoftransitionandinitiation.
Thesedays,boystrytomakethistransitionfromaworldruledbywomen,
buttheycan’tdoitontheirown.Ihaveatheorythatthephasethatadolescent
boys pass through where they dress sloppily, look scraggly, act aggressively,
hole up in their room, slouch, play loud music, swear, and spit a lot, are all
unconsciouslyaimedatmakingthemselvessorepulsivethateventheirmothers
can’tstandthem.Thishelpsthembreakthesymbioticbondswiththeirmoms.
Nevertheless,theseyoungmenstillneedhelpfromadultmalesinpullingaway
from their mothers without feeling guilt and shame and without overly self-
destructivebehaviors.
IbelieverecoveringNiceGuyscanhelpboysfindasanermodelofwhatit
meanstobemaleinourculture.Thisisbecausetherearecertainthingsthatboys
can only learn from men. As Nice Guys embrace their masculinity, they can
teach their sons what it means to be male. This includes how to handle their
aggression, how to handle their libido, how to relate to women, how to bond
with a man, and perhaps most importantly, how to embrace their own
masculinity.Men teach these lessons bothby example and by interaction with
youngboys.
AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ialsobenefitfrombeingwithmyadolescentsons
andtheirfriends.WhenI’maroundmyboys,Igettoseeunbridledmalenessin
action. Not only do I get to teach my sons how to handle their testosterone-
related behaviors such as aggression and sexuality, they also show me how to
embracemine.
This reciprocal process requires time and interaction. Fathers need to take
theirsonshuntingandfishing,workoncarswiththem,takethemtowork,coach
theirteams,takethemtoballgames,workoutwiththem,takethemonbusiness
trips,andletthemtagalongwiththemwhentheygooutwiththeguys.Allof
theseactivitieshelpboysmovesuccessfullyintothemaleworld.
Thisprocessisnotjustlimitedtoaman’sbiologicalsons.NiceGuyscanget
involved with young relatives, scouts, sports teams, school activities, or big
brothers.
Trey, a single man in his late thirties, illustrates the power of this male
influence.Onenightinhismen’sgroup,Treytalkedabouthisnephewwhowas
being raised by Trey’s sister, a single mother. Trey had strong feelings about
whatwashappeningtohisnephewbecausetheboywasgoingthroughsomeof
thesamerebellionandactingoutwithalcoholthatTreyhadexperiencedatthe
same age. The group encouraged Trey to reach out to his nephew and be a
positivemaleinfluence.
Thenext weekingroup,Treywasbeaming.He toldhowhehad takenhis
nephew to the hardware store and how the two of them had put together a
workbench.Hisnephewwasthrilledwiththemalecontact.
Treycameawaywithafeelingthathehaddonesomethingpositivetohelp
changethedirectionofastrugglingyoungboy.
BreakingFreeActivity#29
Howcanyouprovideahealthymalesupportsystemfortheboysandyoung
menyouknow?Listthreeboysalongwithanactivityyoucanparticipatein
withthem.
PassingTheBenefitsOn
Part2:SugarAndSpice
Littlegirlscanbenefitfromthisreclaimedmasculineenergyaswell.Themenin
one of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups showed me the benefits of male
energyonayounggirlinapowerfulway.Oneofthemembers,LeMar,hada
12-year-old daughter with bone cancer. She had to have a leg removed and
undergochemotherapyandradiation.Asaresult,shehadspentcountlessdays
andnightsinahospitalbed.OneFridayevening,whileLeMarwassittingatthe
hospital with his daughter, the members of his men’s group showed up
unexpectedlytotakehimouttodinner.
InadditiontoprovidingmasculinesupportforLeMarduringadifficulttime,
the men also produced an unexpected dividend. Energized by their presence,
LeMar’s daughter sat up and received hugs from each guy. That night she
neededlessmedicationandsleptbetterthanshehadinweeks.Thenextday,all
shecouldtalkaboutwas«herguys»whohadcometovisitherthenightbefore.
RecoveringNiceGuyscanshowtheirdaughterswhatarealmanlookslike.
Girls benefit by seeing their father set boundaries, ask for what they want in
clearanddirectways,workhard,create,produce,havemalefriends,andmake
theirownneedsapriority.Aswithlittleboys,girlscanlearnwhatitmeanstobe
malebothbywatchingtheirfathersandbyinteractingwiththem.Thismodeling
willhaveapositiveinfluenceontheirchoiceoffuturewifeorgirlfriend.
ANo-LoseSituation
AsNiceGuysreclaimtheirmasculineenergy,everyonewins.Notonlydoesthe
recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his
relationships with women grow too. Perhaps most significantly, a whole new
generation of boys and girls reap the benefits of seeing what a healthy male
reallylookslike.
Chapter7
GetTheLoveYouWant:
SuccessStrategiesForIntimateRelationships
«I’mavictimofherdysfunction.»
Karl,asuccessfulbusinessmaninhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstcounseling
session with the preceding analysis of his relationship with his wife Danita.
Thoughoversix-foot-twoandprofessionallydressedinadarksuitandtie,Karl
looked like a little boy sitting on the sofa in my office. Karl’s frustration and
helplessnessregardinghismostintimaterelationshipwasunmistakable.
AsKarlcontinuedtotalkabouthismarriage,itbecameapparentthathewas
intimidatedbyhiswifeDanita.Heclaimedshewas«angryallthetime.»When
talkingaboutherheusedadjectiveslike«relentless»and«steamroller.»Because
ofhisfearofheranger,heliedtoherandavoidedinteractingwithher.
«Inmanyways,»Karlrevealed,«Danitaisjustlikemymother.Therewas
justnopleasingMom.Ilearnedtojustavoidherandtuneheroutwhenshewas
bitching.Igotreallygood at lying and hidingwhatIdidn’t want her to know
about.IguessI’mstillprettygoodatthattoday.»
AsKarlbroughtthediscussionbacktothepresent,herevealed,«Everyother
areaofmylifeisgreat.Ifitwasn’tforDanita,mylifewouldbeperfect.Ijust
don’tthinksheknowshowtobehappy.»
IntimateStrangers
Ingeneral,Nice Guys end up in my office for one of tworeasons.Sometimes
some hidden behavior —an affair, surfing for pornography on the Internet,
smokingpot—hasblownupintheirfaceandcreatedacrisiswiththeirwifeor
girlfriend.Moreoften,theircalltoatherapistismotivatedbysomeproblemor
dissatisfactionintheirmostintimaterelationship;theirwifeorgirlfrienddoesn’t
want to have sex as often as they do, she is depressed, angry, unavailable, or
unfaithful(oralloftheabove).
Thesemenusuallybelievethereisasimpleanswertotheirproblem.Some
ofthemaresureeverythingwillbeOKiftheycanjuststopdoingthatonething
that keeps making their wife or girlfriend so angry. The rest of them are
convincedthatiftheycangettheirwifeorgirlfriendtochange,thenlifewillbe
great.
Intimaterelationshipsareoftenanareaofgreatfrustrationandbewilderment
forNiceGuys.
MostNiceGuysprofessagreatdesireforintimacyandhappinesswiththeir
significantother.
Nevertheless, intimacy represents an enigmatic riddle for the majority of
thesemen.
Here is what I have concluded after several years of observing countless
NiceGuys:EventhoughNiceGuysoftenprofessadeepdesiretobeintimately
connectedwithanotherindividual,theirinternalizedtoxicshameandchildhood
survivalmechanismsmakesuchconnectionsdifficultandproblematic.
WhyNiceGuysStruggleToGetTheLoveTheyWant
ThereareanumberofreasonswhyNiceGuyshavedifficultygettingthelove
theywant.Theseinclude:
Theirtoxicshame.
Thedysfunctionalrelationshipstheyco-create.
Theirpatternsofenmeshmentandavoidance.
Thefamiliarchildhoodrelationshipdynamicstheyrecreate.
Theirunconsciousneedtoremainmonogamoustotheirmother.
Theyare«badenders».
ToxicShamePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
Intimacy implies vulnerability. I define intimacy as «knowing the self, being
knownbyanother,andknowinganother.»Intimacyrequirestwopeoplewhoare
willing to courageously look inward and make themselves totally visible to
another. Internalized toxic shame makes this kind of exposure feel life-
threateningforNiceGuys.
Intimacy,byitsnature,wouldrequiretheNiceGuytolookintotheabyssof
his most inner self and allow others to peer into these same places. It would
requiretheNiceGuytoletsomeonegetcloseenoughtoseeintoallthenooks
andcranniesofhissoul.ThisterrifiesNiceGuys,becausebeingknownmeans
beingfoundout.AllNiceGuyshaveworkedtheirentirelivestobecomewhat
theybelieveotherswantthemtobewhiletryingtohidetheirperceivedflaws.
ThedemandsofintimacyrepresenteverythingNiceGuysfearmost.
Co-Creating Dysfunctional Relationships Prevents Nice Guys From
GettingTheLoveTheyWant>
TheNiceGuy’songoingattempttohidehisperceivedbadnessmakesintimacya
challenge. The moment Nice Guys enter a relationship they begin a balancing
act.Inrelationships,alife-and-deathstruggleisplayedouttobalancetheirfear
of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Vulnerability means someone may
gettooclosetothemand seehowbadtheyare. NiceGuysareconvincedthat
whenothers make this discovery,these people will hurtthem, shame them, or
leavethem.
The alternative doesn’t seem any better. Isolating themselves from others
recreatestheabandonmentexperiencesthatweresoterrifyinginchildhood.
Inordertobalancehisfearofvulnerabilityandfearofabandonment,aNice
Guyneedshelp.Hefindsitinpeoplewhoareequallywoundedandalsohave
difficulty with intimacy. Together they co-create relationships that
simultaneouslyfrustrateallpartieswhileprotectingthemfromtheirfearofbeing
foundout.
EventhoughitmaylooklikemanyoftheproblemsNiceGuysexperiencein
relationshipsarecausedbythebaggagetheirwifeorgirlfriendbringswiththem,
thisisnotthecase.ItistherelationshiptheNiceGuyandhiswifeorgirlfriend
co-createthatistheproblem.
ItistruethatNiceGuysoftenpickwivesandgirlfriendswhoappeartobe
projects,andindeed,theydoattimespicksomeprettymesseduppeople.The
factthatthesepartnersmayhavechallenges—theyaresinglemoms,theyhave
financialproblems,theyareangry,addictive,depressed,overweight,non-sexual,
orunabletobefaithful—ispreciselythereasonNiceGuysinvitethesepeople
intotheirlives.Aslongasattentionisfocusedontheflawsofthepartner,itis
divertedawayfromtheinternalizedtoxicshameoftheNiceGuy.Thisbalancing
actensuresthattheNiceGuy’sclosestrelationshipwillmostlikelybehisleast
intimate.
Patterns Of Enmeshment And Avoidance Prevent Nice Guys From
GettingTheLoveTheyWant
ThisintimacybalancingactgetsplayedoutintwodistinctwaysforNiceGuys.
Thefirstisthroughbecomingoverlyinvolvedinanintimaterelationshipatthe
expense of one’s self and other outside interests. The second is through being
emotionally unavailable to a primary partner while playing the Nice Guy role
outsideoftherelationship.IcallthefirsttypeofNiceGuyanenmesherandthe
secondtypeanavoider.
TheenmeshingNiceGuymakeshispartnerhisemotionalcenter.Hisworld
revolves around her. She is more important than his work, his buddies, his
hobbies.Hewilldowhateverittakestomakeherhappy.
Hewillgivehergifts,trytofixherproblems,andarrangehisscheduletobe
withher.Hewillgladlysacrificehiswantsandneedstowinherlove.Hewill
eventolerate her bad moods, rage attacks, addictions,and emotional or sexual
unavailability—allbecausehe«loveshersomuch.»
IsometimesrefertoenmeshingNiceGuysastabledogs.Theyarelikelittle
dogswhohoverbeneaththetablejustincaseascraphappenstofalltheirway.
EnmeshingNiceGuysdothissamehoveringroutinearoundtheirpartnerjustin
caseshehappenstodrophima scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a
scrapofagoodmood,orascrapofherattention.Eventhoughtheyaresettling
for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing Nice Guys think they are
gettingsomethingreallygood.
On the surface it may appear that the enmeshing Nice Guy desires, and is
available for an intimate relationship, but this is an illusion. The Nice Guy’s
pursuingandenmeshingbehaviorisanattempttohookupanemotionalhoseto
hispartner.Thishoseisusedtosuckthelifeoutofherandfillanemptyplace
inside of him. The Nice Guy’s partner unconsciously picks up on this agenda
andworkslikehelltomakesuretheNiceGuycan’tgetcloseenoughtohookup
the hose. Consequently, the Nice Guy’s partner is often seen as the one
preventingtheclosenesstheNiceGuydesires.
The avoider can be a little tougher to get a handle on. The avoiding Nice
Guy seems to put his job, hobby, parents, and everything else before his
primary relationship. He may not seem like a Nice Guy to his partner at all
becauseheisoftennicetoeveryoneelsebuther.Hemayvolunteertoworkon
otherpeople’scars.Hemayspendweekendsfixinghismother’sroof.Hemay
worktwoorthreejobs.
Hemay coachhischildren’ssportsteams. Eventhoughhemaynot follow
hispartneraroundandcatertohereverywhim,hestilloperatesfromacovert
contractthatsinceheisaNiceGuy,hispartnershouldbeavailabletohim,even
ifheisn’tavailabletoher.
Both patterns, enmeshing and avoiding, inhibit any real kind of intimacy
fromoccurring.TheymayhelptheNiceGuyfeelsafe,buttheywon’thelphim
feelloved.
BreakingFreeActivity#30
Are you an enmesher or an avoider in your present relationship? How
would your partner see you? Does the pattern ever change? What roles
haveyouplayedinpastrelationships?
Recreating Familiar Childhood Relationship Patterns Prevents Nice
GuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
It is human nature to be attracted to what is familiar. Because of this reality,
Nice Guys create adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their
dysfunctionalchildhoodrelationships.Forexample:Iflisteningtohismother’s
problems as a child gave a Nice Guy a sense of connection, he may grow up
believingsuchbehaviorequalsintimacy.Inordertofeelvaluableandconnected
inhisadultrelationships,hewillhavetopickapartnerwhohasherfairshareof
problems.
Ifhewastrainedtocaretakeandfixneedyordependentfamilymembers,the
NiceGuymayfindawaytodothesameinhisadultrelationships.
If he believed he could only get his own needs met after he had met the
needsof other moreimportantpeople, the NiceGuy may sacrifice himselffor
thesakeofhispartner.
If he was abandoned in childhood, he may choose partners who are
unavailableorunfaithful.
If he grew up with an angry, demeaning, or controlling parent, he may
chooseapartnerwithsimilartraits.
Occasionally, the person the Nice Guy chooses to help him recreate his
childhoodrelationshippatterns isn’t the way he unconsciously needsher to be
whentherelationshipbegins.Ifthisisthecase,hewilloftenhelpherbecome
whathe needs. He may project upon her one ormore traits of his parents. He
may act as if she is a certain way, even when she isn’t. His unconscious
dysfunctional needs may literally force his partner to respond in an equally
dysfunctionalway.
Forexample.Asachild,Ineverknewwhatkindofmoodmyfatherwould
beinwhenIcameintothehouse.Moreoftenthannot,itwasn’tgood.Ilearned
tocome home prepared forthe worst. Ilaterrecreated the same patternin my
marriage.Iprojectedmyfather’sunpredictablemoodsontomywifeandwould
frequentlyarrivehomepreparedforhertobeangry.Evenifshewasinagood
mood,mydefensivenessoftentriggeredsomekindofconfrontationbetweenus.
ThusElizabethcametolooklikemyangryfatherandIperpetuatedafamiliar,
thoughdysfunctionalrelationshipdynamic.
BreakingFreeActivity#31
Wetendtobeattractedtopeoplewhohavesomeoftheworsttraitsofboth
of our parents. Instead of blaming your partner for your unconscious
choice, identify the ways in which she helps you recreate familiar
relationshippatternsfromyourchildhood.Sharethiswithyourpartner.
TheUnconsciousNeedToRemainMonogamousToMomPreventsNice
GuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
The tendency of Nice Guys to be monogamous to their mothers seriously
inhibits having any kind of a genuinely intimate relationship with a partner in
adulthood. Nice Guys are creative in finding ways to maintain this childhood
bond. What all of these behaviors have in common is that they all effectively
insurethattheNiceGuywillnotbeabletobondinanysignificantwaywithany
womanexcepthismother.
BreakingFreeActivity#32
The following are a few of the ways Nice Guys unconsciously maintain a
monogamous bond to their mothers. Look over the list. Note any of the
behaviorpatternsthatmayservetokeepyoumonogamoustoyourmother.
Sharethisinformationwithasafeperson.
Over-involvementwithworkorhobbies.
Creatingrelationshipswithpeoplewhoneedfixing.
Addictionstodrugsoralcohol.
Sexualaddictionstopornography,masturbation,fantasy,chatlines,or
hookers.
Affairs.
Sexual dysfunction —lack of desire, inability to get or maintain an
erection,orprematureejaculation.
Forming relationships with women who are angry, sick, depressive,
compulsive,addicted,unfaithful,orotherwiseunavailable.
Avoidingintercourseortakingvowsofcelibacy.
Being Bad Enders Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Love They
Want
Finally,NiceGuyshavedifficultygettingthelovetheywantbecausetheyspend
too much time trying to make bad relationships work. Basically, Nice Guys
sufferfromtheage-oldproblemoflookingforloveinallthewrongplaces.Ifa
Nice Guy spends all of his time stuck in a bad relationship, it pretty much
guaranteeshewon’tfindonethatmightworkbetter.
Whenhealthyindividualsrecognizethattheyhavecreatedarelationshipthat
isnotagoodfit,orthatapartnertheyhavechosenlacksthebasicqualitiesthey
desire,theymoveon.NotNiceGuys.Duetotheirconditioning,NiceGuysjust
keeptryinghardertogetanon-workablesituationtoworkorgetsomeonetobe
somethingtheyarenot.Thistendencyfrustrateseverybodyinvolved.
EvenwhenNiceGuysdotrytoendarelationship,theyarenotverygoodat
it.Theyfrequentlydoittoolateandinindirect,blaming,ordeceitfulways.They
typicallyhavetodoitseveraltimesbeforeitsticks.Ioftenjokethat,onaverage,
ittakesNiceGuysaboutnineattemptstoendarelationship.
(Unfortunately,thisisn’tfarfromthetruth).
StrategiesForBuildingSuccessfulRelationships
There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners.
Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging. The
secondpartofthischapterisnotaplanforfindingaperfectpartnerorcreating
the perfect relationship. It is simply a strategy for doing what works. By
adaptingthepointsbelowandchangingthewayinwhichtheylivetheirlives,
recoveringNiceGuys will change the waytheyhave relationships. Nice Guys
can:
Approveofthemselves.
Putthemselvesfirst.
Revealthemselvestosafepeople.
Eliminatecovertcontracts.
Takeresponsibilityfortheirownneeds.
Surrender.
Dwellinreality.
Expresstheirfeelings.
Developintegrity.
Setboundaries.
Embracetheirmasculinity.
Previous chapters have included illustrations of what can happen to
relationshipswhenNiceGuysbegintomaketheselifechanges.Let’sexaminea
little more closely how applying a couple of these life strategies can help
recoveringNiceGuysgetthelovetheywant.
AWarning
If you are in a relationship, the program of recovery from the Nice Guy
Syndromepresentedinthisbookwillseriouslyaffectyouandyourpartner.
Oneoftwothingswillhappen:
1. Yourpresentrelationshipwillbegintogrowandevolveinexcitingand
unpredictableways.
2. Yourpresentrelationshipwillbesenttoalongoverduegrave.
Learning To Approve Of Themselves Helps Nice Guys Get The Love
TheyWant
TheessenceofrecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeistheconsciousdecision
to live one’s life just as one desires. I frequently encourage recovering Nice
Guys to be just who they are, without reservation. I support them in deciding
whatisrightforthemandbeingthatwithalloftheirenergyforthewholeworld
tosee.Thepeoplewholikethemjustastheyarewillhangaround.Thepeople
whodon’t,won’t.
Thisistheonlywaytohaveahealthyrelationship.Noonereallywantsto
believethattheyhavetobefalseorhidewhotheyreallyaretogetsomeoneto
love them or stay with them. Yet, this is a common dynamic in the intimate
relationshipsNiceGuyscreate.
GeorgeisagoodexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuy
decides to start pleasing himself and stop pleasing his partner. Throughout his
relationshipwithhiswifeSusan,George’sprimarygoalwastomakeherhappy.
Over a period of five years George gave up hunting and fishing (two of his
passions), quit hanging out with his friends, turned the control of his finances
overtoSusan,andsupportedherinquittingherjobbecauseshewasunhappyat
work.Thesechangesoccurredgradually.
AllwereanattemptonGeorge’sparttopleaseSusan.
Nevertheless,Susanwasrarelyhappy.BythetimeGeorgejoinedaNoMore
Mr.NiceGuy!group,hefelthelplessandresentfulandwasreadytoleavehis
wife.George saw Susanasthecauseof the frustrationhewasfeeling.George
spentthefirstfewweeksinourgroupcomplainingabouthiswife.
Eventually,thegroupmembersbegantoconfrontGeorgeonhisvictimrole
andchallengedhimtodosomethingdifferentinsteadofblamingSusan.
It took a few more months, but George began to change. The most
significantchangewasaconsciousdecisiontoquittryingtomakeSusanhappy.
He realized that his attempts to please her weren’t working and were causing
himtofeelresentful.
Georgebeganbysettingasideoneweekendamonthtogohuntingorfishing.
WhenSusantriedseveraldifferentmethodstomanipulatehimorguilthimout
ofhisdecision,heheldfast.Next,insteadofhandinghispaycheckovertoSusan
tocontrol,hebegangivinghimselfanallowancetospendhowhewanted.This
toodrewresistancefromhiswife.Perhapsthemostfrighteningstepwaswhen
GeorgesetupabudgetandtoldSusanthatifshewantedmorecontroloverthe
income,shewouldhavetogobacktoworkingfulltime.
Ironically, two things began to happen. George felt less like a victim and
actually started having more positive feelings toward Susan. Second, Susan
begantakingchargeofherownlifeandbecamelessdependentonGeorge.After
aboutayearingroup,Georgesharedhowmuchmorecontenthewasandhow
much his marriage had improved. He gave credit to the group members who
supportedhiminfindingthecouragetostartpleasinghimselfandstoptryingto
makeSusanhappy.
BreakingFreeActivity#33
Listsomeofthewaysyoutrytopleaseyourpartner.Whatchangeswould
youmakeifyoudidnothavetoworryaboutmakingherhappy?
SettingBoundariesHelpsNiceGuysGetTheLoveTheyWant
ThesubjectofboundarieswaspresentedinChapterFive.Nowhereistheissue
of boundary setting more important for Nice Guys than in their most intimate
relationships.Bysettinghealthyboundarieswiththeirpartners,NiceGuyscreate
situationsinwhichboththeyandtheirpartnercanfeelsafetobevulnerableand
experiencetrueintimacy.
IshowNiceGuys,oftenwiththeirpartnerswatching,howtostepuptotheir
lineandsetboundaries.Onmorethanoneoccasion,Ihavehadthepartnerofa
Nice Guy applaud during the demonstration. The Nice Guy will turn, slack-
jawed,andsay,«Youmeanyouwantmetostanduptoyou,dear?»
«OfcourseIdo,»shewillrespond,«Idon’twanttobemarriedtosomeoneI
canwalkallover.»
ThenIwarnhim.«Yourwifeistellingyouthetruth.Shedoesn’tfeelsafe
knowingshecanpushyouaround.Shewantstoknowthatyouwillstandupto
her.That is how she will feel secure in the relationship. But, here’s the catch.
Shehastotesttoseeifshecantrustyou.Thefirsttimeyousetaboundarywith
hershemayreactintensely.Shewillpushagainstit.Shewilltellyouthatyou
are wrong for setting that boundary. She will do her best to find out if your
boundaryisforreal.»
WhenarecoveringNiceGuysetsboundarieswithhispartner,itmakesher
feelsecure.Ingeneral,whenwomenfeelsecure,theyfeelloved.Shewillalso
cometoknowthatifherpartnerwillstanduptoher,heisalsolikelytostandup
for her. Setting boundaries also creates respect. When a Nice Guy fails to set
boundariesitcommunicatestohispartnerthathedoesn’treallyhonorhimself,
sowhyshouldshe?
To help Nice Guys decide if they need to set a boundary with a particular
behavior,IhavethemapplytheSecondDateRule.Usingtheseconddaterule,
Nice Guys ask themselves, «If this behavior had occurred on the second date,
wouldtherehavebeenathird?»Thisquestionhelpsthemseeiftheyhavebeen
puttingupwithsomethingthattheyshouldn’t.
When trying to decide how to deal with a behavior they have deemed
unacceptable, I encourage Nice Guys to apply the Healthy Male Rule.
Following this rule of thumb, they simply ask themselves, «How would a
healthymalehandlethissituation?»Forsomereason,justaskingthisquestion
connectsthemwiththeirintuitivewisdomandhelpsthemaccessthepowerthey
needtorespondappropriately.
OncetheNice Guy knows he can set a boundary any time heneedsto,he
canletpeoplemovetowardhim,getclose,havefeelings,besexual,andsoon.
Hecan let thesethings happen becausehe is confidentthat at anypoint, if he
beginstofeeluncomfortable,hecansay«stop,»«no,»or«slowdown,»orcan
removehimself.Hecandowhateverheneedstodototakecareofhimself.
BreakingFreeActivity#34
Are there any areas in your personal relationships in which you avoid
settingappropriateboundaries?Doyou:
Tolerateintolerablebehavior.
Avoiddealingwithasituationbecauseitmightcauseconflict.
Notaskforwhatyouwant.
Sacrificeyourselftokeepthepeace.
If you applied the Second Date rule or the Healthy Male rule to these
situations,howmightyouchangeyourbehavior?
AdditionalStrategiesForHappy,HealthyRelationships
In addition to the program of recovery presented in previous chapters of No
More Mr. Nice Guy!, there are a few additional strategies that will help Nice
Guysgetthelovetheywant.Theseinclude:
Focusingontheirrelationship,nottheirpartner.
Notreinforcingundesirablebehaviors.
Doingsomethingdifferent.
Focusing On Their Relationship, Not Their Partner Helps Nice Guys
GetTheLoveTheyWant
Wounded people are attracted to wounded people. When Nice Guys enter a
relationship,theyfrequentlychoosepartnerswholookmoredysfunctionalthan
they do. This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the
other.Thisisadistortion,becausehealthypeoplearenotattractedtounhealthy
people—andviceversa.Ifrequentlytellcouplesthatifyouhaveoneobviously
woundedpersoninarelationship,youalwayshavetwo.Noexception.
When my wife Elizabeth and I first got together, we created a system in
whichshewasidentifiedasthebrokenonewhileIwasdesignatedthehealthy
one. These scripts worked well for both of us until she started going to
counseling.Oneday,shecamehomefromatherapysessionandannouncedthat
shehaddiscoveredthatIwasjustasmessedupasshewas.BecauseIcouldn’t
entertain the idea that I was «messed up,» I responded, «No, you are really
findingoutthatyouarejustashealthyasIam.»
Therelationshipsystemwehadcreatedtogetherallowedbothofustoplay
familiar, yet dysfunctional roles. Unfortunately, it also prevented any kind of
realintimacyuntilElizabethbegantochallengethestatusquo.I’velistenedto
countlessNiceGuyswhohaveformedrelationshipsliketheoneElizabethandI
initiallycreated.Thesemenhavethebeliefthattheyarevictimstotheir«sick»
partner’sdysfunction.Thisillusionkeepseveryoneinvolvedstuckinrepetitive,
ineffectivepatterns.
By focusing on their relationship instead of their partner, recovering Nice
Guys are able to use their partner to get in touch with their childhood
experiencesofabandonment,neglect,abuse,andsmothering.
Theycanusethisinformationtobetterunderstandwhytheyhavecreatedthe
kind of relationship system they have. This process enables them to make
changesthatallowthemtogetwhattheywantintheirintimaterelationships.
Insteadofsaying«ifshewouldjust…»,therecoveringNiceGuyhastoask,
«WhydidIneedtoco-createthisrelationship?»
«Howdoesthisrelationshipletmeplayfamiliarroles?»
«Howdoesthisrelationshipletmemeetunconsciousneeds?»
«WhydidIinvitethispersonintomylife?»
When the recovering Nice Guy begins asking these kinds of questions, he
canbegintoseehissignificantotherasapartnerinhealing.Thisnotonlyshifts
howheviewshispartner,butalsoallowshimtoaddresschildhoodissuesthat
preventhimfromhavingatrulyintimaterelationship.
Inthebeginningofthischapter,wemetKarl—whosewifeDanitaseemed
as hard to please as his cold, critical mother. Karl never knew when his mom
mightgetangry,criticize,orshamehim.Inadulthood,Karlco-createdasimilar
dynamicwithDanita.Whenshegotangry,Karlwoulduseallofhischildhood
survivalmechanisms,likeavoidanceandwithdrawal,totrytocope.Karlwould
accuse Danita of «being angry all the time» and would walk on eggshells to
avoid upsetting her. Karl would tell himself,«I don’tdeserve this.» He would
thenretreatandcreateescapescenariosinhishead.
The relationship began to shift when Karl came to see Danita as a «gift»
whomheinvitedintohislifetohelphimcleanouthisoldissuesaroundhisfear
of angry and critical people. As Karl made this shift several things began to
happen.Hebegantohavegriefforwhathewentthroughasachild.Hebegan
standinguptoDanitaratherthanavoidingandwithdrawing.Ashecametosee
Danita’sangerasaresultofherownchildhoodwounding,Danitabegantolook
lessandlessangrytohim.Ashisviewofhiswifebegantoshift,Karlbeganto
feel more loving toward Danita and their relationship began to show marked
improvement.
BreakingFreeActivity#35
The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, resentful, or rageful at
yourpartner,askyourselfthesequestions:
«WhyhaveIinvitedthispersonintomylife?»
«WhatdoIneedtolearnfromthissituation?»
«HowwouldmyviewofthissituationchangeifIsawitasagift
NotReinforcingUndesirableBehaviorsHelpsNiceGuysGetTheLove
TheyWant
AcoupleofyearsagoweboughtaWeimaranerpuppy.Wedecidedthatifwe
were going to have a big dog in the house, we should take him to obedience
school. One of the first lessons we learned was that we were the ones who
needed obedience training. Most dogs that behave badly, we found out, have
beenconditionedtodosobyignorantorinconsistentowners.
Inmanyways,humansaren’tmuchdifferentfrompets.Peopleoftenbehave
thewaytheyhavebeentrainedtobehave.Forexample,ifapersongiveshisdog
atreatwhenhepissesonthecarpet,thedogwillkeeppissingonthecarpet.The
same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner’s undesirable
behaviors,shewillkeepbehavinginundesirableways.
Here is the irony for Nice Guys: Nice Guys like the idea of a smooth and
problem-freerelationship.
Typically,iftheirpartnerisunhappy,depressed,angry,orhavingaproblem,
theywilljumprightinandtryandfixitormakeitbetter.Theybelievethatby
doingso,theywillmaketheproblemgoawayandeverythingwillquicklyget
backtonormal.Unfortunately,thisislikegivingadogatreatforpissingonthe
carpet. Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he
would like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing that very behavior. This
reinforcement increases the likelihood that that behavior will occur again. For
example,Joe’swifefrequentlycamehomefromworkinasilentrageoversome
problemsheexperiencedwithaco-worker.ItbotheredJoewhenhiswifewasin
thismood.Inanattempttorelievehisanxiety,hewouldaskhiswifewhatwas
wrong.Afteralittlecoaxing,shewouldspendthenextcoupleofhoursventing
toJoeabouthowmistreatedshewasatwork.Joewouldlistenandofferhelpful
suggestions,hopingthatbydoingso,shewouldgetoverhermood.
Inhisattemptforshort-termanxietyrelief,Joehadactuallyhelpedcreatea
long-termproblem.Everytimeheaskedhiswifewhatwaswrong,listenedfor
hours, and offered advice, he was actually reinforcing a behavior pattern he
foundundesirable.
Indogobedienceschoolwelearnedthatifyouwantanundesirablebehavior
togoaway,youstoppayingattentiontoit.Thesameistrueinrelationships.
LikemanyNiceGuys,Joefeltlikeavictimtohiswife’sbehavior.Hewas
oblivioustothefactthathewasresponsibleforperpetuatingabehaviorhefound
undesirable.WhenthemeninhisNoMoreMr.
Nice Guy! group pointed this fact out to him, he decided to try something
different.
Thenexttimehiswifecamehomeinasilent,withdrawnmood,hedidn’tsay
anything.Heatedinnerinsilenceandthenwentouttothegarage.Eventhough
hefeltintenseanxiety,heresistedhisimpulsestotryto«fix»hiswife.Ashelay
awakeinbedthatnight,thedeafeningsilencekepthimawakeforhours.
Thenextmorning,thesilencecontinued.Joewasafraidthisbehaviormight
goonforever.Inanattempttorelievehisanxiety,hetriedmakingalittlesmall
talk.Hiswiferespondedwithone-wordanswersandleftforwork.
Thatevening,itseemedasifamiraclehadoccurred.Joe’swifecamehome
fromworkinagoodmoodandaskedJoeifhewantedtogoforawalk.While
walking she told him how she had resolved the previous day’s problem. Joe
revealed to his wife how uncomfortable it had made him to not try to fix her
problemthepreviousevening.SherespondedbytellingJoethatshedidn’twant
himtotrytofixherproblemsandthatshelikeditbetterthathehadgivenher
somespacetoworkitoutonherown.
DoingSomethingDifferentWhenBeginningANewRelationshipHelps
NiceGuysGetTheLoveTheyWant
ForNiceGuyswhoseearelationshipcometoanend,orfortheoneswhoare
presentlysingle,Iencouragethemtotakeadifferentapproachwhenbeginning
newrelationships.Relationshipsaremessyandthereisnowaytoeliminatethe
bumps and potholes, but we don’t have to make them any more difficult than
theyalreadyare.ThisisoneareawhereIstronglyencourageNiceGuystodo
something different. That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather
thananunconscious,dysfunctionalone.
Doing something different means choosing a different kind of partner. A
fixer-uppermaybeafunchallengewhenitcomestorestoringacar,butit’sa
terriblewaytochooseapartner.NiceGuyshaveatendency,duetotheirown
insecurities,topickpartnerswhoseemliketheyneedalittlepolishing.
Becausetheydon’tknowwhyahealthyorindependentpersonwouldwant
them, they settle for a diamond in the rough. They tend to pick partners who
havehadtroubled childhoods, are sexualabusesurvivors,havehadastringof
badrelationships,aredepressed,arehavingmoneyproblems,areoverweight,or
are struggling single moms. Then they go to work operating from a covert
contract—fixing,caretaking,andpleasing—allwiththehopethatshewillturn
outtobeapolishedgem.
Unfortunately,thisstrategyrarelyworks.
WhenrecoveringNiceGuyscreaterelationshipswithpeoplewhodon’tneed
fixing,theyimprovetheiroddsoffindingthelovetheywant.Thisdoesn’tmean
searchingfortheperfectpartner,justonewhoisalreadytakingresponsibilityfor
her own life. Over time, the members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups
havecomeupwithanumberoftraitstoconsciouslylookforwhencreatingnew
relationships.
Thesetraitsinclude(innoparticularorder):
Passion.
Integrity.
Happiness.
Intelligence.
Sexualassertiveness.
Financialresponsibility.
Commitmenttopersonalgrowth.
Nice Guys who are already in a relationship may find it unsettling if their
current partner doesn’t fare well by this list (especially if it is the Nice Guy
doing the evaluating). That doesn’t mean they need to jump out of the
relationshipandgolookingforgreenerpastures.Instead,Iencouragethesemen
to first begin addressing their own behaviors and look at why they needed to
createthekindofrelationshiptheyhavewiththeirpresentpartner.
Findinganewpartnerwon’tbethesolutioniftheNiceGuystillneedsthe
samekindofrelationship.IhavefoundthatwhenrecoveringNiceGuysbegin
dealing with their own dysfunctional patterns, their relationships also begin
changing.Attimesthesechangescausethemtoreevaluatetheirdesiretogetout.
Sometimestheyconfirmitistimeforachange.
NiceGuyshaveastrongtendencytotrytodoeverything«right.»Thislist
isn’t meant as a magic formula. There are no perfect people and no perfect
relationships. But by consciously looking for the traits listed above in a
prospectivepartner,NiceGuyscansavethemselvesalotofgriefandimprove
theirchancesofactuallyfindingwhattheyarelookingfor.
Doingsomethingdifferentalso means refraining from beingsexualin new
relationships.NiceGuysmustgivethemselvesachancetoaccuratelyevaluate
thetraitslistedabovebystayingoutofbedwithapersonuntiltheyreallygetto
knowher. Oncethesexbeginsinrelationships,thelearningstops.Sex creates
such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the
appropriatenessofanewrelationship.NiceGuysmayoftenbeawareofvarious
traits or behaviors they find unacceptable in a new partner, but if they are
alreadyhavingsex,itisdifficulttoaddresstheseissuesandeventoughertoend
therelationship.
EmbraceTheChallenge
Recovering Nice Guys can have fulfilling, intimate relationships. Life is a
challenge and so are relationships. As they implement the recovery strategies
presentedinthisbook,recoveringNiceGuysputthemselvesinthepositionto
embracethesechallengesandgetthelovetheywant.
Chapter8
GetTheSexYouWant:
SuccessStrategiesForSatisfyingSex
Take everything written about Nice Guys in this book —their shame, their
sacrificeofself,theirapprovalseeking,theirdoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,
their indirectness, their caretaking, their covert contracts, their controlling
behavior, their fear, their dishonesty, their difficulty receiving, their
dysfunctionalrelationships,theirlossofmasculineenergy.Nowputthemallina
greatbigcontainer,shakethemup,openthelid,lookinside,andyou’llhavea
prettygoodviewofhowNiceGuysdosex.
For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic
shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. I
believeitissafetosaythateveryNiceGuywithwhomIhaveeverworkedhas
hadsomesignificantproblemwithsex.Theseproblemsaremanifestedinmany
ways,butthemostcommonare:
Notgettingenough.Thisisbyfarthemostcommonsexualcomplaintof
NiceGuys.Thefocusofthisproblemisfrequentlydirectedataseemingly
sexuallyinhibitedorunavailablepartner(ortheunavailabilityofwomenin
general).
Having to settle for less than satisfying sex. Nice Guys often settle for
bad sex, believing that it is better than no sex at all. Again, the blame is
oftenfocusedontheNiceGuy’spartner.
Sexual dysfunction. This usually takes the form of an inability to get or
maintainanerection,orprematureejaculation.
Sexual repression. Some Nice Guys claim to have littleor no interest in
sex.Moreoftenthannot,thesemenareactuallyengagedinsomeformof
sexualactivitythattheybelieveisbestkeptoutofsight.
Compulsivesexual behavior. Thiscan include compulsive masturbation,
addictiontopornography,affairs,peepshows,900numbers,cybersex,and
prostitution.
When you add all of these dynamics together, you end up with a breed of
menwhodon’thaveverymuchsexand/ordon’thaveverymuchgoodsex.Even
though most Nice Guys have a tendency to focus on factors outside of
themselvesasthecauseofthisproblem,theoppositeisclosertothetruth.Itis
Nice Guys themselves who are masters at making sure that their sex lives are
lessthansatisfying.
ShameAndFear
The difficulty Nice Guys have with sex can be directly linked to two issues:
shameandfear.AllNiceGuyshaveshameandfearaboutbeingsexualand
aboutbeingsexualbeings.Inmyexperience,thisisprobablythemostdifficult
concept for Nice Guys to understand and accept about themselves. This is so
important I will say it again: All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being
sexualandaboutbeingsexualbeings.
If you could peel back a Nice Guy’s brain and find the part of the
unconsciousmindthatcontrolssex,hereiswhatyouwouldfind:
Memoriesofchildhoodexperiencesthatmadehimfeellikehewasbad.
Thepainofnotgettinghisneedsmetinatimely,healthymanner.
Theeffectsofgrowingupwithsexuallywoundedparents.
Thesexualdistortionsandillusionsofareallyscrewedupsociety.
Theabsenceofaccuratesexualinformationwhenitwasneeded.
Thesexualguiltandshameassociatedwithcenturiesofreligiousinfluence.
Theeffectsofcovertsexualbondscreatedbyhismother.
Thetraumaofsexualviolations.
Thememoriesofearlysexualexperienceswrappedinsecrecy.
Thedistortedandunrealisticimagesofbodiesandsexinpornography.
Theshameofhidden,compulsivebehaviors.
Thememoriesofprevioussexualfailuresorrejections.
Every time a Nice Guy has a sexual feeling or is in a sexual situation, he
must negotiate through all of this unconscious baggage. Nice Guys find
numerouscreativewaystoavoidordistractthemselvesfromtheirsexualshame
and fear. Unfortunately, these avoidance and distraction mechanisms prevent
NiceGuysfromhavingmuchofanythingthatresemblesagoodsexlife.These
avoidanceanddistractionmechanismsinclude:
Avoidingsexualsituationsandsexualopportunities.
Tryingtobeagoodlover.
Hidingcompulsivesexualbehaviors.
Repressingtheirlifeenergy.
Settlingforbadsex.
AvoidanceOfSexualSituationsAndSexualOpportunitiesPreventsNice
GuysFromGettingTheSexTheyWant
Asoddasitmaysound,NiceGuysfindmanycreativewaystoavoidsex.Ihave
coined the term Vagiphobia to describe this propensity. Vagiphobia is a
syndromewherethepenistriestostayoutofvaginasorgetsoutquicklyonceit
isin.WhilethissurvivalmechanismmayhelpprotecttheNiceGuyfromhaving
to experience his shame and fear, it also guarantees he won’t have very much
sex.
Alan could be the vagiphobia poster child. Alan began therapy due to a
problematic habit of entering into sexualized relationships outside of his
marriage. Some of these trysts became overtly sexual, yet none were ever
consummated with intercourse. The problem came to a head after he began a
relationship with one of his wife’s girlfriends and his wife found an
incriminatingnoteinhiscoatpocket.
In therapy, Alan revealed that he liked the attention of women. In social
situationshealwaysfeltmorecomfortableconnectingwithwomen.Overtime,it
becameapparentthatduetochildhoodconditioning—amonogamousbondwith
his mother, the decision to be different from his father, and the effects of
fundamentalist religious teachings —Alan found creative ways to get the
attentionofwomenwhileavoidingputtinghispenisintheirvaginas.(Ireferto
this common Nice Guy behavior as «flirting without fucking.» As long as the
NiceGuydoesn’tputhispenisinavagina,hecanexchangeallkindsofsexual
energy yet convince himself he hasn’t really had sex or hasn’t done anything
wrong.)Ononeoccasion,AlansharedanexamplewithhisNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!groupofthisbehavior.Alanhadbeenonabusinesstrip,travelingwitha
co-worker,a young woman whom Alan found very attractive. During the trip,
theyflirtedandexchangedsexualinnuendoes.Oneevening,theysatinthebar
and talked about their lives. The evening ended with some slow dancing. The
nexteveningafterdrinks,thewomaninvitedAlantojoinherinthehottub.She
showedupinarevealingstringbikini.
Whileinthehottub,shesatonAlan’slapandtheykissedpassionately.Even
though he was very aroused, he turned down her offer to go up to her room
becausehedidn’twantto«jeopardizetheirworkingrelationship.»
ThisstoryisconsistentwithAlan’slifelongavoidanceofvaginas.Alanhad
a couple of girlfriends in high school. But whenever the girls got serious and
wantedtomovebeyondpetting,Alanfeltsmotheredandbrokeup.
Alan portrayed his wife as being sexually withdrawn. One factor that
contributedtothissituationwasthatAlanwouldneverdirectlyinitiatesex.He
believedwomenthoughtsexwasbadandhewasconvincedthatifhewastoo
directinlettingthemknowhewantedtohavesex,theywouldthinkhewasbad.
Alanused hisfrustrationoverhis wife’ssexualunavailabilityto justifyhis
sexualized behavior with other women. Interestingly enough, Alan had a
consistent knack of only flirting with women that weren’t very likely to be
availableto consummate a relationshipwithhim. On therare occasion thathe
guessedwrong,Alanwouldfindsomegoodreasontonotfollowthroughwith
whathehadstarted.
TryingToBeAGoodLoverPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheSex
TheyWant
ItisnotunusualforNiceGuystopridethemselvesonbeinggoodlovers.Being
agoodlovercanbeanattachmentthesemenusetofeelvaluable.Itcanbeaway
toconvincethemselvestheyaredifferentfromothermen.Itcanalsobeavery
effectivemechanismforallowingthemtohavesexwhilestayingdistractedfrom
theirinternalizedshameandfear.Aslongastheyarefocusedonthearousaland
pleasureoftheirpartner,NiceGuyscandistractthemselvesfromtheirowntoxic
shame,feelingsofinadequacy,orfearofbeingsmothered.Terrance,aNiceGuy
inhismid-thirtiesisagoodexample.
«I’ve got a problem with premature ejaculation.» This was how Terrance
introducedhimselfinhisfirsttherapysession.«Myfirstwifeleftmeforanother
man,»hecontinuedwithoutpausing.«Thatwasdevastating.Thegoodnewsis,I
met a wonderful, sensual, sexual woman, and we’re engaged to get married.
There’sonlyoneproblem.Icometoofast.Sheturnsmeonsomuch,Ijustget
tooexcited.»
Terrance went on to describe how hard he worked to please his girlfriend
whentheymadelove.
Whenevertheyhadsex,Terrancewouldtrytomakesurehisgirlfriendhad
twoorthreeorgasmsbystimulatingherorallybeforeheputhispenisinsideher
vagina.Hethentriedtobringhertoonemoreclimaxvaginally.Unfortunately,
he frequently ejaculated before she had her final orgasm. Terrance was so
seeminglyselflessthathetoldhisfiancéethathedidn’tcareifheneverhadan
orgasm,aslongasshewassatisfied.
«Everythingisgreatexceptthisoneissue,»Terranceclaimed.«Herkidslove
me.Herparentsloveme.
Shesayssheloveseverythingaboutme,exceptshefeelslike30percentis
missing.She doesn’t seem to want tomakeloveanymoreandistalkingabout
postponingtheweddinguntilIcangetthisthingfixed.»
Mostofthetime,NiceGuyslikeTerrancearetotallyunawareofhowmuch
theyaremissingbytryingtobegreatlovers.WhenNiceGuyssetouttobegreat
lovers, they are actually creating a recipe for boring sex. Sex that focuses on
tryingtopleasetheotherguaranteesaroutine,do-what-worked-last-timekindof
experience.TryingtobeagreatloverprettymuchinsuresthataNiceGuywill
not have many passionate, reciprocal, spontaneous, serendipitous, or intimate
sexualexperiences—hardlyarecipeforgoodsex!
HidingCompulsiveSexualBehaviorsPreventsNiceGuysFromGetting
TheSexTheyWant
Imagine the financial jackpot of inventing a pill to take away loneliness, cure
boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create
feelingsofbeingloved,relievestress,andgenerallysolveallpersonalproblems.
NiceGuysbelievesuchadrugexists—theycallitsex.
ManyNiceGuysdiscoveredatanearlyagethatsexualarousalwasagood
distraction from the isolation, turmoil, unrealistic demands, and abandonment
experiences of their childhood. Unfortunately, when Nice Guys bring their
sensual security blanket into adulthood, it prevents them from experiencing
intimateandfulfillingsexwithanotherindividual.
IhavefoundNiceGuystobepronetohidden,compulsivesexualbehavior.I
have developed a theory that states, the nicer the guy, the darker the sexual
secrets.Ifindthistobeconsistentlytrue.Sexisabasichumandrive.Because
most Nice Guys believe they are bad for being sexual, or believe that other
people will think they are bad, sexual impulses have to be kept hidden from
view. The Nice Guy’s sexuality doesn’t go away, it just goes underground.
Therefore,the moredependentamanison external approval,thedeeperheis
goingtohavetohidehissexualbehavior.
Lyle, a computer programmer in his mid-forties, provides a poignant
exampleofthisconnection.
EverybodylikedLyle.Hewas one of thoseguyswhodidn’t seem to have
anyroughedges.AdevoutChristian,LyletaughtSundayschoolandwasalways
willingtohelpanyoneinneed.
Lyle’s life seemed perfect. There was only one hitch —he was secretly
addictedtopornography.
GrowingupinanEvangelicalChristianhome,hefirstdiscoveredthisdrug
whenhewas nine. A loner as achild,Lylewould spend hours in histreefort
lookingatpicturesofnakedwomen.Withhispornography,heneverfeltalone.
Fifteen years into his marriage, Lyle’s habit remained a well-kept secret.
Over the years his compulsive behavior expanded to renting adult videos,
visitingpeepshowsandstripbars,andcalling900numbers.
Mostrecently,hisobsessionhadfoundflightincyberspace.Frequentingsex
chatroomshecarriedonanumberofsexualrelationshipswithfacelesssurfers
ontheInternet.
Periodicallyduringtheirmarriage,Lyle’swifewouldconfronthimovertheir
lackluster sex life. She would protest that it just wasn’t normal to go months
withouthavingsex.Lylewouldvalidateherfeelingsandassertthathetoowould
like more sex. He would then fall back on the excuse that he was usually too
tiredfromworkandtoostressedwiththedemandsoffamilylife.
Manytimesthroughouthislife,Lylepromisedhimselfhewouldquitvisiting
hissecretsexualworld.
Timeandtimeagainhewouldthrowouthisstashofmagazinesorswearoff
thevideosandchatrooms.
Hewouldbreatheasighofrelief,onlytofindhimselfbackatitagainweeks
ormonthslater.
Lyle, like numerous Nice Guys, invested so much time and energy in his
hidden,compulsivesexualbehaviorthattherewaslittleleftforareal,person-to-
personsexualrelationship.
Repressing Their Life Energy Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The
SexTheyWant
Whenaboyreachesadolescence,hemustbeginnegotiatingtheturbulentseasof
learning to relate to the opposite sex. If he is to have any hope of securing a
girlfriend and someday having sex, he must figure out what it takes to get a
femaletonoticehimandapproveofhim.Forsomeboysthisprocessseemsto
comefairlyeasily.Iftheyhappentobegood-looking,astarathlete,orfroman
affluentfamily,attractingfemalesmaynotbeoverlydifficultforthem.
Onceyouexcludetheminorityofadolescentmaleslistedabove,thatleaves
themajorityofteenageboyswhohavenoclueofwhatitwilltaketogetagirlto
likethem.Itisatthis pointthatmanyyoung mendecidethatmaybe bybeing
«nice,»theywillstandoutfromtheotherguysandmightgaintheapprovalof
some member of the opposite sex. This decision is especially important if the
youngmanhasalreadybeenconditionedtobelievethatheisnotOKjustashe
is.
Itisthisstrategyformedinadolescence—tryingtoattractawomanandher
sexualfavorbybeingnice—thatmanyNiceGuyscarryintoadulthood.Itisnot
uncommonforNiceGuystobelievethatawomanwouldbeluckytohavethem
while simultaneously wondering why any woman would want them. Because
theycan’tthinkofanyotherreasonwhyawomanwouldbeattractedtothemor
wanttohavesexwiththem,NiceGuyshangontotheirstrategyof«beingnice»
evenwhenitconsistentlyprovesineffectiveingettingthemthesextheywant.
Ironically,tryingtobenicerobsamanofhislifeenergy.ThemoreaNice
Guyseeksapprovalandtriesto«doitright,»thetighterheclampsaliddownon
any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him. This is why I
frequentlyhearNiceGuyslamentaboutwomennotbeingattractedtothem.The
problemis,oncetheyhaverepressedalloftheirlifeenergy,thereislittleabout
themtogetanyone’sattentionorturnthemon.
Womenconsistentlytellmethateventhoughtheymaybeinitiallydrawnto
aNiceGuy’spleasingdemeanor, over time they find itdifficulttogetexcited
abouthavingsexwithhim.Oftenthepartnerfeelsdefective,butitisreallynot
herfault.ThereisjustverylittleabouttheNiceGuypersonatoflipaswitchor
arouseaprospectivepartner.Onceagain,bydoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,
NiceGuyspreventthemselvesfromgettingthesextheywant.
Settling For Bad Sex Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They
Want
The wife of a Nice Guy in her late twenties shared with me how her partner
would«pester»herforsex.
When she would say «no» he would pout and withdraw. When she did
consent to being sexual he would focus on her arousal while she did little to
reciprocate.Withpithyawarenesssherevealed,«Icouldtellhimitwouldreally
turn me on if he set himself on fire. He would gladly do it and think he was
gettinggoodsexbecauseitmademehappy.»
Bysettlingforbadsex,NiceGuysinsurethattheywon’tgettoexperience
verymuchgoodsex.Aaronprovidesagoodexampleofaprettycommonway
NiceGuyscreatebadsex.Let’svisithisbedroomandobserveatypicalsexual
scenariobetweenhimandhiswifeHannah.
AaronandHannahhaven’thadsexinseveralweeks,acommonoccurrence
intheirrelationship.
Tonight,Aaronisfeelingsexual,butinsteadoftellingHannahthathewants
tomakelove,hegoesintoapatternofindirectlytryingtoarouseher.
EventhoughHannahhasletAaronknowonseveraloccasionssheresentshis
«pestering,»hemovesupbehindherinbedandbeginstorubherback.Ashe
massageshershouldershemomentarilytunesouthisresentmentoverhersexual
unavailability.Asheslowlymoveshishandsdowntorubherbuttocks,healso
tunes out that her body is totally unreceptive to his touch. He hopes that by
movingslowlyandnotalarmingherbybeingtooovertlysexual,shewillgetin
themood.Thisapproachhasoccasionallyworkedinthepast.
Bythetimehelightlystrokesoneofherbreasts,Aaronistotallyunawareof
anythinggoingoninsideofhisownbody.Bynow,heisfocusedonHannah’s
arousalandtryingtoanticipatehowtostimulateherjustenoughtogetherinthe
moodwithoutdoingtoomuchtomakeherangry.
Finally,becauseshehasn’trebuffedhisadvances,herollsheroverandfor
thenexttwentyminutesfocusesallofhisattentiononherarousaluntilshehas
an orgasm. Since he is disconnected from his own physical arousal, he has a
difficulttimeclimaxinghimself.Tohelphimselfalong,hefantasizesaboutthe
youngsecretaryatwork.Whenhefinallyhasanorgasm,heimmediatelyshifts
hisfocusbacktohiswifetocheckinonheremotionalstate.Later,asherolls
overandgoestosleep,Aaronfeelsemptyandresentful.
BreakingFreeActivity#36
How’syourlovelife?Areyoureadytostartgettinggoodsex?Ifso,readon.
GettingGoodSex
The rest of this chapter presents a strategy for helping recovering Nice Guys
experiencesatisfyingsex.
Theprocessincludes:
Comingoutofthecloset.
Takingmattersintotheirownhands.
Saying«no»tobadsex.
Followingtheexampleofthebullmoose.
ComingOutOfTheClosetHelpsNiceGuysGetTheSexTheyWant
Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life. A
mancanreadallthebookshewantson«HowToPickUpWomen»orwatchall
theinstructionalvideosonimprovingsexualtechnique.Noneofthesethingswill
helphimgetgoodsexaslongashehasshameandfearaboutbeingsexualor
being a sexual being. Getting good sex is dependent on recovering Nice Guys
bringingtheirshameandfearoutoftheclosetandintotheopenweretheycan
belookedatandreleased.Thisstepcannotbeskipped!
Cleaning out sexual shame requires accepting, non-judgmental people. A
NiceGuycannotdothisworkonhisown.Toreleasesexualshameandfear,the
recovering Nice Guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self to safe,
supportivepeople.ThisrevealingallowstheNiceGuytoreleasehisshameand
fearandfreeuptheemotionalenergyittooktokeepthemhiddenandrepressed.
ThesesafepeoplecanalsogivetheNiceGuysupportivemessagesthatheisnot
badforbeingasexualbeing.
BreakingFree:PopQuiz
MostNiceGuysinitiallydenyhavinganyshameandfearaboutsex. Take
thefollowingquiztoseeifyouareindenialaboutyourownsexualshame
andfear.
1.Thinkbacktoyourfirstsexualexperience.Wasit:
A.Ajoyousexperiencewhichyoucouldsharewithfamilyandfriends?
B.Hidden,rushed,guilt-ridden,orinalessthanidealsituation?
C.Painful,abusive,orfrightening?
2.Whenitcomestomasturbation:
A. Do you and your partner talk openly and comfortably about the
subject?
B.Wouldtherebeacrisisifyourpartner«caught»youdoingit?
C.Doyoudoitcompulsivelyorinsecret?
3.Whenitcomestoyoursexualexperiences,thoughts,orimpulses:
A. You are comfortable revealing everything about yourself to your
partner.
B.Youhavesecretsthatyouhaveneversharedwithanyone.
C. Some aspect of your sexuality has caused a crisis in an intimate
relationship.
D. At some time in your life you have tried to eliminate or limit some
problematicsexualbehavior.
If you answered anything but «A» on any of the questions, you have
sexualshameandfear.Readon.
Lyle, introduced earlier in the chapter, is a good example of how recovering
NiceGuys canbringtheirsexual shameandfearoutof thecloset.Lylewas a
good Christian, husband, and father who struggled with compulsive sexual
behavior.EverythingcamecrashingdownforLylewhenhiswifefoundaphone
billandcalledsomeofthestrangenumbers.Shewasbewilderedanddevastated.
Never in her wildest dreams (or nightmares) did she think that Lyle might be
involvedinanythinglikepornographyorphonesex.Littledidsheknowshehad
just discovered the tip of the iceberg. Confronted with the evidence, Lyle
initially feigned surprise and denied any knowledge of its origin. Finally, he
broke down and told all. Well, almostall. It took several more weeks, several
moreemotionalconfrontations,andacalltomebeforeeverythingcameout.
Afteracoupleofsessionsof individualtherapy,IsuggestedthatLylestart
attendinga12-stepgroupforsexualaddicts.ThisideainitiallyterrifiedLyle,but
heknewhewouldhavetodosomethingradicallydifferentifhewantedtofree
himselfofhiscompulsionandexperiencetruesexualintimacy.Tohissurprise,
revealing his long-kept secrets in the presence of other recovering sex addicts
wasn’t as difficult as he feared. In time, he began to look forward to the
opportunitytotalkabouthimselfwithsafepeople.
Everytimeherevealedsomesecretthoughtoract,hefeltasenseofrelief,as
ifaweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.
AsLylerevealedhisfearandshametosafepeople,hefoundthathewasless
interestedinhishidden,compulsivebehaviors.Asheandhiswifebecamemore
openandintimatewitheachother,healsobegantoenjoyaphysicalcloseness
withherthathehadoncetriedtoavoid.WhenLylecameoutofthecloset,he
begantohealalifetimeofhiddensexualbehavior.
InmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupsIencouragerecoveringNiceGuysto
bring their sexual shame out of the closet. I support them in talking explicitly
about their sexuality. In our culture, most sex talk is done in pornographic,
demeaning, moralizing, shaming, clinical, or joking ways. I invite recovering
NiceGuystorevealtheways theyactout.Ihavethemtalkabouttheirsexual
historyandearlysexualexperiences.Iaskthemtobringsamplesofpornography
they find arousing. This is another way of releasing shame while also gaining
importantinformation.
Throughout the entire process of revealing themselves, I encourage
recovering Nice Guys to experience whatever they may be feeling —shame,
guilt,fear,arousal.Atthesametime,Igivethemsupportivemessagesthatwhat
they are feeling is OK. There are so many negative messages in our society
aboutmalesexuality,itisdifficultforNiceGuystoovercometheirconditioning
withoutthiskindofencouragementandsupport.
BreakingFreeActivity#37
Findasafeplacetotalkaboutthefollowingissues:
Your sexual history : Earliest sexual memory, childhood experiences,
sexual violation and trauma, sexual issues in your family, first sexual
experience,adultsexualhistory.
Ways in which you have acted out sexually: Affairs, prostitution, peep
shows,900numbers,useofpornography,exhibitionism,fetishes,etc.
Yourdarkside:Thosethingsthatevenyouhaveahardtimelookingat
inyourself—fantasies,rage,offendingbehavior.
Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex
TheyWant
IregularlytellNiceGuys,«Noonewasputintothisworldtomeetyourneeds
butyou.»Thisisespeciallytruewithsex.WhenrecoveringNiceGuysdecideto
take responsibility for their own needs and take matters into their own hands,
theyputthemselvesinapositiontogetthequantityandqualityofsextheywant.
Letmeexplain.
Allsignificantbehaviorpatternsarethesumofmany,muchsmallerbehavior
patterns.Themosteffectivewaytochangeabehavioristochangeitssmallest
elements.Forexample,ifaNiceGuysisnotgettingasmuchsexashewantsor
isn’t getting the kind of sex he wants, the only way to change this behavior
patternistochangeitssmallestcomponents.Ratherthangoingoutandtryingto
have more sex, it is more effective to change the little things that create the
overallpatternofnotgettingmuchsex.
Changethelittlethings,andthebigpicturechangesasaresult.
Before Nice Guys can have exciting, passionate, and fulfilling sexual
experiences with other people, they must learn how to have the same with
themselves. By taking matters into their own hands —by practicing healthy
masturbation—recoveringNiceGuyscanchangethemostbasicdynamicsthat
shapethebiggerpictureofhowtheydosex.
Considerthelogic:
UntilaNiceGuy can be sexualwithhimselfwithoutshame, he won’t be
abletobesexualwithanotherpersonwithoutshame.
Until a Nice Guy is comfortable giving pleasure to himself, he won’t be
abletoreceivepleasurefromsomeoneelse.
UntilaNiceGuycantakeresponsibilityforhisownarousalandpleasure
whenheisbyhimself,hewon’tbeabletotakeresponsibilityforhisown
arousalandpleasurewheniswithsomeoneelse.
UntilaNiceGuycanbesexualwithhimselfwithoutusingpornographyor
fantasytodistracthimself,hewon’tbeabletohavesexwithsomeoneelse
withoutneedingsimilarthingstodistracthim.
Nice Guys can begin to change these dynamics by practicing what I call
healthymasturbation.Healthymasturbationisaprocessoflettingsexualenergy
unfold. It has no goal or destination. It’s not just about orgasms. It does not
requireoutsidestimulationfrompornographyanddoesn’tusetrancesorfantasy
to stay distracted from shame and fear. It is about learning to pay attention to
whatfeels good. Mostofall,itis aboutacceptingsoleresponsibilityfor one’s
sexualpleasureandexpression.
ManyNiceGuys are initiallyuncomfortablewiththediscussion of healthy
masturbation.Theconceptseemslikeanoxymoron.Ingeneral,NiceGuyshave
tremendous internalized shame around masturbation. They also frequently
surround themselves with people who reinforce this shame (partner, religion,
etc.). Many Nice Guys also struggle with compulsive masturbation. They fear
thatattemptinganykindofself-gratificationmightopenupPandora’sBox.
I have found that when recovering Nice Guys work on learning how to
pleasure themselves without using fantasy or pornography there is no way for
theirbehaviortobecomecompulsive.Ihavealsofoundthatwhentheysharethe
experiencewithothernon-judgmentalmen,theirshamediminishesrapidly.
ANoteAboutPornography.
Iamnotopposedtopornographylegallyormorally,butIthinkitisbadfor
menforseveralreasons:
Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of what people should
likeandwhatsexshouldbelike.
Pornographyaddictsmentobodiesandbodyparts.
Pornography can easily become a substitute for a real sexual
relationship.
Pornographycreatesatranceinwhichmencanbesexualwhilestaying
distractedfromtheirshameandfear.
Pornographycompoundsshamebecauseitisusuallyhiddenandused
insecret.
ItellNiceGuys,ifyouaregoingtousepornography,doitopenly.Doing
sotendstobreakthetranceandtakesthebuzzoutofit.
ANoteAboutFantasy
Fantasy is a form of dissociation —the process of separating one’s body
from one’s mind. When a person fantasizes while being sexual he is
purposefully and actively leaving his body. While some sex therapists
advocatefantasyasawayofimprovingasexlife,itisactuallythebestway
I know to kill it. Fantasizing during sex makes about as much sense as
thinkingaboutaBigMacwhileeatingagourmetmeal.Abouttheonlything
fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from his shame and fear or
coverupthefactthatheishavingbadsex.
HealthymasturbationhelpstherecoveringNiceGuychangethecoredynamics
thatpreventhimfromgettinggoodsex.Healthymasturbation:
Helpsremovetheshameandfearofbeingsexual.
PutstheNiceGuyinchargeofhisownsexualneeds.
Removesdependencyonunavailablepartnersorpornography.
HelpstheNiceGuylearntopleasethepersonthatmattersmost—himself.
GivestheNiceGuypermissiontohaveasmuchgoodsexashewants.
PutstheNiceGuyinchargeofhisownpleasure.
Changing these dynamics through healthy masturbation enhances and
intensifiestheexperienceofmakinglovewithanotherperson.Terranceprovides
agoodexample.
Terranceoriginallycametotherapylookingforaquickfixtohis«problem»
so his fiancée would not break up with him. In the first several sessions, I
focusedon the subject ofhimmaking his needsapriority. As withmostNice
Guys, this initially made him uncomfortable (to put it mildly). Terrance was
terrifiedthatifhewasn’tagreatloveranddidn’tkeephisgirlfriendhappy,she
wouldleavehimlikehisex-wifedid.
I began by encouraging Terrance to do a few non-sexual things just for
himself.I reassuredhimregularlythatthis wouldmakehimmoreattractive to
his fiancée, not less. As he began to discover that making his needs a priority
didn’t drive his girlfriend away, we took it to the next step. I talked with
Terranceabouthealthymasturbation.Iencouragedhimtofindatimewhenhe
wouldbeundisturbedinwhichhecouldfocusonhisownpleasureandarousal.I
suggestedthathedothiswithouthavingagoalofclimaxingandwithoutusing
fantasyorpornography.Iencouragedhimtopayattentiontowhatfeltgoodto
himandtoobservethewaysheunconsciouslytriedtodistracthimselffromhis
shameandfear.
IttookafewweeksforTerrancetocarryouttheassignment.Thefirsttime
he tried it he reported not feeling «much of anything.» I encouraged him to
continuetheassignmentatleastonceaweek.Afterafewweekshereportedthat
hewasactuallybeginningtoenjoypleasuringhimselfbutfeltsomeshameand
fearthathisfiancéewouldbemadathim.
I invited Terrance to bring his fiancée to therapy to work on shifting their
sexualpatterns.WetalkedaboutTerrancetakinghisfocusoffherarousal and
orgasmsandbeginningtofocusmoreonhimself.
Hisgirlfriendactuallyexpressedrelief.Sherevealedthatitfeltlikeaburden
whenTerranceexpectedhertohavemultipleorgasms.Insteadoftellinghimthis
inthepast,shehadjustfakedit.
As they communicated about their experience of making love, the patterns
begantoshift.Theyactuallybeganspendingmoretimetalkingwitheachother
aboutwhattheylikedanddidn’tlikewhiletheywerehavingsex.Eventhoughit
was initially difficult,Terrance shared with his fiancée what he had found out
about himself from his own healthy masturbation. He was surprised when she
expressedinterestinpleasuringhimandhavingareciprocalsexualrelationship
withhim.
Afterafewmonths,Terranceandhisfiancéegotmarriedasplanned.Both
expressed how relieved they were to discard their old way of doing sex for a
moreintimate,connectingway.
BreakingFreeActivity#38
Set aside a time to practice healthy masturbation. Choose a comfortable
place where you will be undisturbed. Practice by looking at yourself and
touching yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay attention to
howitfeelstoexperienceyoursexualitywithoutanygoalsoragendas(such
ashavinganorgasm).Alsoobserveanytendencytodistractyourselffrom
what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, becoming goal-oriented,
having distracting thoughts, loss of physical sensation). Just observe these
experiencesandusethemasinformationaboutyourshameandfear.
Saying«No»ToBadSexHelpsNiceGuysGetTheSexTheyWant
Whenitcomestosex, NiceGuysareconsummatebottomfeeders. Theysettle
for scraps and come back begging for more. Nice Guys settle for distorted
imagesofbodiesinpornography.Theysettleforthefacelesssexof900numbers
and chat rooms. They settle for trying to persuade unavailable people to
begrudgingly be sexual with them. They settle for quick, compulsive
masturbation. They settle for passionless, mechanical lovemaking. They settle
fortrancesandfantasy.NiceGuysdoalotofsettling.
As long as a Nice Guy is willing to settle for bad sex, he limits his
opportunitiestoexperiencegoodsex.
IregularlytellNiceGuys,«Youhavetobewillingtoletgoofwhatyou’ve
gottogetwhatyouwant.»
Good sex can occur only when a recovering Nice Guy decides to stop
settlingforbadsex!
Sowhatdoesgoodsexlooklike?Ifwebaseouransweronwhatweseein
moviesorpornography,wewillonlykeepperpetuatingaformulaforbadsex.
HereishowIdefine«goodsex.»
Goodsexconsistsoftwopeopletakingfullresponsibilityformeetingtheir
own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than
beingaperformance,itisanunfoldingofsexualenergy.
It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and
vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own
pleasure,passion,andarousal,andstayconnectedtothosesamethingsintheir
partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable,
spontaneous,andmemorableways.
When recovering Nice Guys decide they will no longer settle for anything
less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something
different.
Theyletgooftheconceptofbeingagreatlover.
Theypracticebeingclearanddirect.
Theychooseavailablepartners.
Theydon’tsettleforscraps.
Theydecidethatbadsexisnotbetterthannosex!
AaronisagoodexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuy
decidestosay«no»tobadsex.ForthefirstfewweeksintheNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!group,Aaronventedhisfrustrationsandsharedhowhelplesshefelttoget
Hannah to want to have sex with him. It was obvious that Aaron believed his
wifeheldthekeytohissexualhappinessandthathewasangryoverherwillful
refusaltousethatkey.Asaresult,hefelt«rejected»and«worthless.»
After a few weeks, I suggested that Aaron go on a sexual moratorium in
which he refrained from having sex with Hannah for a period of six months.
DuringthistimeIsuggestedthathefocusondoingthingshehadgivenupwhen
heandHannahgotmarried.IalsoencouragedhimtotellHannahwhateverhe
wasfeeling.Isharedwithhimthatasexualmoratoriumwouldmakeiteasierfor
himtodothesethingsbecausehewouldn’tbesoconcernedaboutmaintaining
thepossibilityofheravailability.Iftheyweren’thavingsex,hewouldn’thaveto
worry about doing something that might make her angry and cause her to
withholdsex.
Atfirst,AaronwasbewilderedastohowthisplancouldgetHannahtowant
tohavemoresexwithhim.
I told him the goal was not to get her to have more sex, but for him to
reclaimhiskeyandstopfeelinglikeavictim.
Even though he was initially hesitant, he acknowledged that he wasn’t
having much sex anyway. With the support of the men in the group, Aaron
decidedtogohomethatnightandtellhiswifewhatheplannedtodo.
Thenextweek,Aaronsharedwiththegroupwhathehadtoldhiswife.He
reportedthatshewasinitiallyangry,butoverthecourseoftheweek,hadacted
morelovingtowardhimthanshehadinmonths.
Overthenextsixmonths,Aaronsharedhisexperienceswiththegroup.On
several occasions he reported doing things for himself that previously would
havecreatedtremendousanxiety.Hewentoutwithsomeguyfriendshehadn’t
seeninacoupleofyears.Hebegantosharehisfeelingswithhiswife.
Onmorethanoneoccasion,thisincludedtellingherwhenhewasangryat
her.Heevenletherknowonacoupleofoccasionswhenhewasn’tinthemood
to listen to her talk about her problems. He also found that he became more
honest—revealingthingstoherthathehadpreviouslykepttohimself.
Aaron also reported that his wife had made some sexual advances toward
him. She revealed to him that since he was not pursuing her, she felt freer to
movetowardhim.She also expressed that shelikedbeingable to have sexual
energywithAaron,withoutitalwayshavingtoendupinintercourse.
After six months, Aaron reported feeling less resentful and much closer to
hiswife.Healsodiscoveredhowtogethisneedsmetandexpresshisfeelings
more directly, instead of through sex. Most importantly, when he and Hannah
didstarthavingsexagain,hefeltmuchmoreconnectedtohiswife.
BreakingFreeActivity#39
Considergoingonasexualmoratorium.Consciouslyrefrainfromsexfora
predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it
can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea,
butoncetheymakethedecisiontodoit,they findit to be a very positive
experience.Asexualmoratoriumcanhavemanybenefits:
Helpsbreakdysfunctioncycles.
Eliminatespursuinganddistancing.
Releasesresentment.
AllowstheNiceGuytoseethathecanlivewithoutsex.
HelpstheNiceGuyrealizethatnooneelsebuthimholdsthekeytohis
sexualexperience.
HelpstheNiceGuyseehowhesettlesforbadsex.
Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy’s partner can withhold sex or
approval.
Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses.
Whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can
automaticallyaskhimself,«WhyamIfeelingsexual?»
Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive
masturbation,pornography,andotheraddictivebehaviors.
HelpstheNiceGuybegintoaddressfeelingshehasbeenavoidingwith
sex.
Beforebeginning a sexualmoratorium,discussitwith your partner. It
helpstosetaspecifictime.
Isuggestthreetosixmonths.Itcanbedone.
Decideontheparametersofthemoratorium.Onceyouhavebegun,pay
attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your
partner.Remember,itisalearningexperience.
Youdon’thavetodoitperfectly.
Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The
SexTheyWant
Innature,thealphamaleandthebullmoosedon’tsitaroundtryingtofigureout
what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong,
competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what
theydo,prospectivematesareattracted.
Asinnature,thegreatestaphrodisiacisself-confidence.AsrecoveringNice
Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more
attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As
recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people
respond.
I’velistenedtorecoveringNiceGuystellof«selfishly»puttingtheirneeds
firstandthenbeingsurprisedwhenaseeminglyunavailablepartnerexpressesa
desiretobesexual.Oneclient,whohadn’thadsexwithhiswifein14months,
sharedinaNiceGuygroupthathewastiredoflisteningtohiswifecomplain
aboutherworkproblems.Thatnight,forthefirsttimein15yearsofmarriage,
he told his wife that he was too tired to listen. Even though she was initially
angry,laterthatnightsheaskedhimifhewantedtomakelove.
AForceOfNature
Theverythingthatmakessexsoexcitingisexactlywhatmakesitsoterrifying.
Sexispowerful,chaotic,andwild.Itcrackleswithcosmicenergy.Itdrawsus
likeamothtoaflame.AsrecoveringNiceGuysreleasetheirsexualshameand
fear,takeresponsibilityfortheirownpleasure,refusetosettleforbadsex,and
practicebeingjustwhotheyare,theyputthemselvesinthepositiontoembrace
this cosmic force without fear or reservation. This is when the sex really gets
good.
Chapter9
GetTheLifeYouWant:
DiscoverYourPassionAndPurposeInLife,WorkAnd
Career
Iftherewerenolimitsonyourlife:
Wherewouldyoulive?
Whatwouldyoubedoinginyourleisuretime?
Whatkindofworkwouldyoubeengagedin?
Whatwouldyourhomeandsurroundingslooklike?
Asyoulookattherealityofyourlife,askyourselftwoquestions:First,are
youcreatingthelifeyouwant?Second,ifnot,whynot?
Ingeneral,theNiceGuyswithwhomIhaveworkedhavebeenintelligent,
industrious, and competent individuals. While most are at least moderately
successful,themajorityhavenotliveduptotheirfullabilitiesorpotential.Nor
havetheycreatedthekindoflifetheyreallydesire.
SinceNiceGuysspendsomuchtimeseekingapproval,hidingtheirflaws,
playingitsafe,anddoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,itmakessensethatthey
wouldtypicallyfallshortofbeingalltheycanbe.Thisisperhapsthegreatest
tragedywroughtbytheNiceGuySyndrome—countlessintelligentandtalented
menwastingtheirlivesandwallowinginthemireofmediocrity.
NiceGuysOnTheJob
Most Nice Guys initially come to counseling to deal with the way their life
paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships. These relationship problems
often overshadow the reality that they are equally dissatisfied with their job,
career,orlifedirectioningeneral.ThedynamicsthatkeepNiceGuysstuckin
dysfunctional,unsatisfyingrelationshipsareoftenthesamedynamicsthatkeep
themstuckindysfunctionalandunsatisfyingvocations.
TherearenumerousreasonswhyNiceGuystendtobelessthantheycanbe
inlife,work,andcareer.
Theseinclude:
Fear
Tryingtodoitright
Tryingtodoeverythingthemselves
Self-sabotage
Adistortedself-image
Deprivationthinking
Stayingstuckinfamiliarbutdysfunctionalsystems
FearPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
IfIweretoidentifyonecommonfactoratthecoreofeveryproblemexperienced
byNiceGuys,itwouldbefear.PrettymucheverythingNiceGuysdoordon’t
do is governed by fear. Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted
neuronsintheirbrains.Theirinteractionsaredictatedbythepoliticsoffear.
Itisfear that prevents a Nice Guyfromdemanding the raise he hasbeen
promised.
It is fear that keeps a Nice Guy from going back to school to get the
educationortrainingheneedstopursueatrulyfulfillingcareer.
ItisfearthatpreventsaNiceGuyfromquittingajobhedespises.
It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his
dreams.
ItisfearthatpreventsaNiceGuyfromlivingwherehereallywantstolive
anddoingwhathereallywantstodo.
NiceGuysareafraidofmakingamistake,afraidofdoingitwrong,afraidof
failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the
paradoxicalfearofsuccess.NiceGuysaretypicallyafraidthatiftheyaretruly
successful:
Theywillbefoundouttobefrauds.
Theywon’tbeabletoliveuptopeople’sexpectations.
Theywillbecriticized.
Theywon’tbeabletohandletheincreasedexpectations.
Theywilllosecontrolovertheirlives.
Theywilldosomethingtomessupeverything.
Rather than facing these fears —real or imagined— Nice Guys typically
settleforoperatingatafractionoftheirfullpotential.
TryingToDoItRightPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeThey
Want
Theessenceofalllifeisevolutionandchange.Inorderforthisprocesstooccur
naturallyandcompletelyinanindividual,apersonhastobewillingtoletgoof
control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to
resonatethroughone’sself.Theresultisadynamic,fulfillinglife.
Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and
uneventful. They do this by trying to «do it right» and following the «rules.»
Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any
creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from
livinguptotheirfullpotential.
TryingtodoitrightrobsNiceGuysoftheircreativityandproductivity.
StrivingforperfectionkeepsNiceGuysfocusedontheirimperfections.
Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in
mediocrity.
Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking
risksortryingsomethingnew.
FollowingtherulesmakeNiceGuysrigid,cautious,andfearful.
It is because of these self-imposed limits that many Nice Guys are
dissatisfied,bored,orunhappywiththeirlifeandvocation.
TryingToDoEverythingThemselvesPreventsNiceGuysFromGetting
theLifeTheyWant
As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways.
Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were
abandoned.Allgrewupbelievingthatitwasabadordangerousthingforthem
tohaveneeds.Allgrewupconvincedthatiftheyweregoingtohaveanythingin
life,itwouldbeuptothem.
Consequently,NiceGuysareterriblereceivers.Theyareterrifiedofasking
forhelp.Theyarecompletelymiserablewhenotherstrytogivetothem.They
havedifficultydelegatingtoothers.
Becausetheybelievetheyhavetodoitallthemselves,NiceGuysrarelylive
uptotheirfullpotential.
Nobodycanbe good at everything or succeed allontheirown.NiceGuys
believetheyshouldbeableto.
They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none.
This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in
anyareaoflife.
Self-SabotagePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
Becauseoftheirfearofsuccess,NiceGuysaremastersofself-sabotage.They
underminetheirsuccessby:
Wastingtime.
Makingexcuses.
Notfinishingprojects.
Caretakingotherpeople.
Havingtoomanyprojectsgoingatonce.
Gettingcaughtupinchaoticrelationships.
Procrastinating.
Notsettingboundaries.
NiceGuysaretypicallygoodatlookingjustgoodenough.Buttobereally
great —to really rise to the top— invites too much unwanted attention and
scrutiny.Thebrightlightsofsuccessthreatentoilluminatetheirself-perceived
cracksandflaws.
Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are
nevertoosuccessful.Iftheydon’tstartsomething,theywon’tfail.Iftheydon’t
finish something, they won’t be criticized. If they have too much going on at
once, they won’t have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good
excuses,peoplewon’texpecttoomuchofthem.
ADistortedSelfImagePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeThey
Want
Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood,
Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature
logictheycametotheconclusionthatiftheirneedswerenotimportant,neither
were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys
believetheyarenotimportantorgoodenough.
IfaNice Guy was calledontotakecareof a critical,needy,ordependent
parent,hereceivedadoubledoseoftoxicshame.Achildbelievesheshouldbe
abletopleaseacriticalparent,fixtheproblemsofadepressedparent,andmeet
theneedsofasmotheringparent.Unfortunately,hecan’t.
Asaresultoftheirinabilitytofix,please,ortakecareofoneormore
parents,manyNiceGuysdevelopedadeep-seatedsenseofinadequacy.
Theybelievedtheyshouldbeabletodothejob.
Nevertheless,theynevercouldseemtodoitrightorgoodenough—mom
wasstilldepressed,dadwasstillcritical.
This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into
adulthood.SomeNiceGuyscompensatebytryingtodoeverythingright.They
hopethatbydoingso,noonewilleverfindouthowinadequatetheyare.Other
NiceGuysjustgiveupbeforetheytry.
This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves
visible,takingchances,ortryingsomethingnew.Itkeepstheminthesameold
rut,never seeinghowtalentedandintelligenttheyreallyare.Everyone around
them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won’t let them
accuratelyseetheirtruepotentialandability.
Theresult ofthisdistortedself-imageisanemotionaland cognitiveglass
ceiling.ThisinvisiblelidpreventsNiceGuysfrombeingalltheycanbe.Ifthey
dotrytoriseaboveit,theybumptheirheadsandtumbledowntomorefamiliar
territory.
DeprivationThinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting theLife They
Want
Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for Nice
Guys that there wasn’t enough of what they needed to go around. This
deprivationexperiencebecamethelensesthroughwhichtheyviewedtheworld.
This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative
andcontrolling.Itcausesthemtobelievetheybetterhangontowhatthey’vegot
andnottaketoomanychances.Itleadsthemtoresentotherpeoplewhoseemto
havewhattheylack.
Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don’t
believetheydeservetohavegoodthings.Theyfindallkindsofwaystomake
suretheirviewoftheworldisneverchallenged.Theysettleforscrapsandthink
it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why
they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling
beliefs,NiceGuysrarelyliveuptotheirpotentialorgetwhattheyreallywantin
life.
Staying Stuck In Dysfunctional, But Familiar Systems Prevents Nice
GuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
As stated in previous chapters, two major factors prevent Nice Guys from
gettingwhattheywantinlove.Thefirstisthattheytendtorecreatefamiliar,yet
dissatisfying relationships. They find partners who will help them create the
samedysfunctionalkindsofrelationshipstheyexperiencedaschildren.
These men then frequently see themselves as being victims to the
dysfunction of their partners. Nice Guys have a difficult time seeing that they
wereattractedtothesepeopleforareason.
Second, Nice Guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want
becausetheyarebadenders.
When a healthy person would pack up and move on, Nice Guys just keep
doingmoreofthesame,hopingthatsomethingwillmiraculouslychange.
NiceGuysaren’tmuchdifferentintheirjobs.Theyareattractedtocareers
and work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles,
relationships,andrulesoftheirchildhood.Theyoftenseethemselvesashelpless
victimstothesesituations.Rarelydotheyseewhytheyneedthesesystemstobe
thewaytheyareandthattheyhavethechoicetoleave.
Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs and careers
keeps Nice Guys stuck and dissatisfied. While they are perpetuating the
dysfunctionoftheirchildhood,theyrarelydowhattheyreallywantorrisetothe
topoftheirchosenvocation.
RealizingYourPassionandPotential
IfrequentlytellthemeninmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupsthatmygoalis
foreveryoneofthemtoleavethegroupamillionaire.Thisstatementreallyhas
verylittletodowithmoneyormaterialwealth—itisaboutdiscoveringpassion
andlivinguptopotential.
Asstated above,theNiceGuysI counselaregenerallyintelligent,talented
men. As these men work on recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome, they
beginto accept themselvesjust as they are. Thisacceptance of the self allows
themtoembracetheirpassionsandfacetheirfears.
Theformationofamoreaccurateviewoftheselfandtheworldallowsthe
abundance of the universe to begin flowing freely into their lives. Sometimes
thistakestheformofmoney.Sometimesittakestheformoflove.Sometimesit
takestheformofsex.Sometimesittakestheformofthebrightlightsoffame.
Sometimesitincludesalloftheabove.
The remainder of this chapter presents a strategy to help recovering Nice
Guysbecomealltheycanbe.
The following pages present a plan that has already helped countless Nice
Guysdiscovertheirpassionandliveuptotheirpotential.Itcandothesamefor
you.
FacingFearsAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
Charlie could have been the poster child for passionless, underachieving Nice
Guys.WhenIfirstmetCharliehewasstuckinajobhehatedandlivingalife
characterized by mediocrity and fear. Charlie had completed his engineering
degreeacoupleofyearsbefore,yethewasstillworkingatthesamejobhehad
held before starting college. Charlie’s employers had promised him a big
promotionupongraduation.Whentheyfailedtokeeptheirpromise,Charliejust
stifledhisresentmentandkeptondoingthesameoldthinghehadalwaysdone.
Charlie’ssinglepassionwasflying.Inspiteofwarningsofdisasterfromhis
mother, he had begun taking flying lessons after he finished college. Though
Charlie dreamed of earning his pilot’s license, he never seemed to be able to
completethenecessaryrequirementstoachievehisgoal.
AwomanathisworkintroducedCharlietomywebsite.Whenhereadthe
descriptionofaNiceGuyhewasmortified.Hecouldn’tfigureouthowsomeone
couldknowhimsowell.Ittookhimsixmonthsbeforeheworkedupthenerve
tosendmeanemail.Ittookhimanothertwomonthstosendmeasecond.From
thefirsttimeCharlielookedatmywebsiteheknewheneededtojoinamen’s
group,buttheideaofbeingthatvulnerableterrifiedhim.
ItwasatthatpointthatCharliemadeadecisionthatchangedhislife.Charlie
decidedthatifsomethingfrightenedhimthatmuch,heneededtofacehisfear
anddoit.Littledidheknowthen,butthatdecisionwasjustthebeginningofa
journey that would lead Charlie toward the rediscovery of his passion and
purposeinlife.
OverthenextyearandahalfCharlielivedbyonecredo:Ifhewasafraidof
something, he confronted that fear. Charlie’s progress was slow but steady.
Basically,hecrawleduntilhecouldwalk.Hetookbabystepsuntilhecouldrun.
Oncehegotgoing,therewasnostoppinghim.
OvertheperiodofabouteighteenmonthsCharlietookseveralstepstoward
rediscoveringhispassionandpurposeinlife.
He became more and more active in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men’s
group,revealinghimselfandconfrontingfellowgroupmembers.
Hebeganlookingattheneglectheexperiencedandthedistortedfear-based
messageshereceivedinhisfamily.
Heaskedhisfathertocometocounselingwithhimwhereheconfrontedhim
onhisunavailabilityandlackofconcernforhiswellbeinginchildhood.
Hequitblaminghislackofmoneyforflyinglessonsonhisgirlfriend.
He changed flying schools when his current school was unable to provide
himwiththetypeofinstructionandequipmentheneeded.
He began interviewing for jobs that took advantage of his engineering
degree.
He began confronting his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about
playingitsafe,anddistortedbeliefsabouthisqualificationsasanengineer.
He confronted his girlfriend (whom he was initially terrified of) about her
lackofparticipationinhouseholdresponsibilities.
Hetookhissoloflightandgothispilot’slicense.
Heallowedhismen’sgrouptotakehimoutforhisbirthdaytoarestaurant
wherehefacedhisfearofbeingthecenterofattention.
Heappliedforandgotajobwithanengineeringfirmthatexpressedabelief
thathewascapable,talented,andhadsomethingtooffertheircompany.
When Charlie told the group about getting the job I realized that I had
witnessedametamorphosisofepicproportions.Charliehadgonefrombeingan
introverted,frightened,andpassiveNiceGuy,toanevolvingmanwithpassion
andpurpose.
I asked Charlie to send me an email with his formula for success. Here is
whathewrote:
Bob,
HereisroughlyhowIarrivedatthenewjob.
1. Very first before anything else could happen I had to stop
beingavictim.
2. Beganbysettingboundaries.Atfirsttheyweresmallonesand
theygrewwithtime.
3. From the boundaries being set and respected I started
believinginmyself.
4. Honestycamealongsomewhereduringthistime.
5. Believing that I am an adult, I have an education, and I am
qualifiedtotakeontheroleofanIndustrialEngineer
6. I always knew that my previous employer was dysfunctional
andthatitwascomfortableforareason.
Charlie
BreakingFreeActivity#40
Lookoverthelistbelow.Chooseoneoftheitemsandnameatangiblefear
fromyourlife.Writedownhowyouwillconfrontthatspecificissue.Then,
takeasmallsteptowardfacingthatfear.
Asksomeonetoencourageandsupportyou.Don’ttrytodoitalone.
Remember,nomatterwhathappens,youwillhandleit.
Askforaraiseorpromotion
Quitanunsatisfyingjob
Startyourownbusiness
Gobacktoschool
Confrontaconflictsituation
Promoteanideaorsomethingyouhavecreated
Pursuealifelonggoal
Spendmoretimewithahobbyorinterest
ChartingTheirOwnPathAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
Most folks —Nice Guys included— do not consciously take responsibility for
creatingthekindoflifetheywant.Mostpeoplejustacceptwheretheyareand
actasiftheyhavelittlepowerinshapinganexciting,productive,andfulfilling
life.
WhenItalkwithNiceGuysabouttakingchargeoftheirlives,mosthavea
difficult time wrapping their brain around the concept. It just doesn’t fit their
paradigmthattheycanmakechoicesandacttomakethesechoicesareality.
IencourageNiceGuystovisualizecreatingalifewheretheydowhatthey
loveandgetpaidforit.Mostofthemhavedifficultywiththisconcept.Theyact
asifIamaskingthemtobelieveafairytale.
Occasionallytheywilldismisstheideawiththeexcuse,«Noteverybodycan
beluckylikeyou(referringtome)andhaveajobtheyreallyloveandgetpaid
wellforittoo.»Forawhile,Iacceptedthislogicuntilitdawnedonmethatthe
lifeIwaslivinghadnothingtodowithluck.
Earninga Ph.D. involved a conscious decision, persistence,and hardwork
—notluck.
Buildingacounselingpracticeinvolvedfacingfears,quittingasecure,well-
payingjob,makingsacrifices,workingasecondjobtopaybills,learningbytrial
anderror,andalivingthroughaperiodofpoverty—notluck.
Developing my skills as a therapist involved a commitment to personal
growth, constant evolution, and a financial investment in my own therapeutic
process—notluck.
Writing a book, building a website, and getting published required
persistenceandtheconfrontationofnumerousfears—notluck.
I’mnotanythingspecial.I’manordinaryguywithordinarytalents.Ihave
manyofthesamefearsastheNiceGuyswithwhomIwork.Idon’thaveany
specialtalentorskillthatthemajorityofmyclientsdon’thave.
What’sthedifference?
Aconsciousdecisiontofacefears.
Aconsciousdecisiontonotsettleformediocrity.
Aconsciousdecisiontomakemyownrules.
Thinkaboutthepeopleyourespectorlookupto.Mostprobablystartedwith
nothing but still found ways to create interesting, productive, and passionate
lives. These people charted their own paths and made their own rules. What
makes them different? Most are just ordinary people who took charge of their
lives.
Here’s the good news —if they can do it, so can you. One of my favorite
affirmationsis,Whatonemancando,anothermancando.Thinkaboutit—if
others have taken charge and created lives worth emulating, so can you. The
onlythingstoppingyoufromhavingthekindoflifeyoureallywantisyou.
Itis timetostartchartingyourownpath, makingyourownrules, andmaking
yourdreamsareality.
BreakingFreeActivity#41
What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it
happen? Write down three things you want to make happen in your life.
Thenwriteapersonalaffirmationthatwilltakeyouwhereyouwanttogo
andpostitonasheetofpaperwhereyoucanseeit.Shareyourdreamsand
youraffirmationwithasafeperson.
LettingGoOfTryingToDoItRightAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLife
TheyWant
ThisbookbeganasafewchaptersIplannedtowritetogivetothemeninmy
firstNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!group.Initially,whentherewasnoagendaorgoal,
my writing was a spontaneous recording of my growing insight into the Nice
GuySyndrome.Beforelong,clientsandfamilymembersbegansuggestingthatI
writeabook.ItseemedlikealogicalextensionofwhatIwasalreadydoingso
theideamadeperfectsense.
Itwasatthattimethatsomethingbegantochange.Ratherthanbeingjusta
fewinsightsandillustrationswrittenforthebenefitofahandfulofclients,my
effort became directed at producing something that would be deserving of
publicationand widespreaddistribution. I began hearing people suggest things
like«bestseller,»«Oprah,»and«getrich.»
Whatwasonceaneffortlesslaboroflovebegantofalterundertheweightof
expectation.Inordertoliveuptotheloftystandardspeopleweresuggesting,my
bookhadbetterbegood.Notjustgood—perfect!
WiththatagendaIlaboredforsixyearstocompleteNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
ThemostcommonquestionIwasaskedbyfriendsandfamilyduringthistime
was«Whenareyougoingtofinishyourbook?»
Overtheyearsthemanuscriptwentthroughatleastthreemajorrevisionsas
wellasextensiveediting.
Numerousfactorscontributedtothelengthoftimeittooktofinishthebook,
butthenumberonereasonwasthatIthoughtithadtobeperfect.Ithoughtthe
bookhadtobeperfecttobepublished.Ithoughtithadtobeperfectforanyone
tobuyit.Itthoughtithadtobeperfectforittohelpanyone.
Unfortunately, this gross misperception had a number of detrimental
consequences:IbelievedIhadtowriteeverythingIknewabouttheNiceGuy
Syndrome! The original manuscript of this book was probably four times its
presentlength.IbelievedIhadtobeaneloquentwriter.Ibelievedthetexthad
tobeflawless.
I went to therapy to find out why I couldn’t finish my book. My children
became disillusioned, predicting that I never would finish. My wife half-
seriouslythreatenedtoleavemeifIdidn’tfinish.
Finally,afteryearsoffrustration,Ihadabreakthrough.Averywiseperson
suggested that I give myself permission to never publish the book. I felt an
immediatesenseofrelief.
I realized that I had gotten away from my original goal —to write a few
insightsthatwouldhelpafewmenlivebetterlives.OnceIletgooftheburden
of having to get published, be a bestselling author, and appear on Oprah,
everything changed. I went back to my original agenda. From then on when I
wrote,Ionlyaskedmyselfonething:«Willthishelpmyclientsfindanswersto
theirproblems?»Ialsokeptremindingmyselfthatmyclientswouldnevergeta
chancetobenefitfrommyinsightifIneverfinishedthebook.
Once I gave up the belief that No More Mr. Nice Guy! had to be perfect,
thingsbegantofallintoplace.Icompletedthebook.Clientsreportedthatitwas
changingtheirlives.Therapistsbegantorequestcopiesfortheirclients.Radio
talk show hosts and newspaper and magazine writers began contacting me for
interviews.Ihiredanagent.Publishersbeganpursuingme.
Trying to do it right only sucked the life out of No More Mr. Nice Guy!
Letting go and letting it just be «good enough» set me free to embrace my
passion and create something of lasting value. This same principle applies to
everyareaoftherecoveringNiceGuy’slife.
BreakingFreeActivity#42
How does your perfectionism or need to do it right get in the way of
realizingyour passionand potential?Pick one thing that you have always
wantedtodo:Writeabook,turnyourhobbyintoabusiness,move,goback
toschool,fullyembraceatalent.
Now, ask yourself the question: If you knew ahead of time that this
endeavor would be a success, would you hesitate to do it? Would this
knowledge set you free from the belief that you have to do it perfectly?
Would this knowledge motivate you to get started or complete what you
havealreadybegun?Whatriskswould youbewillingtotakeifyou knew
aheadoftimethattherewasnowayforyoutofail?
Whatareyouwaitingfor?Letgooftheneedtodoitperfectlyandjust
doit!
LearningToAskForHelpAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
AmajorreasonNiceGuysfrequentlyfailtoliveuptotheirpotentialisthatthey
believetheyhavetodoeverythingthemselves.Philisagoodexample.
Phil’sgoalinlifewastoberich.Heseemedtohavealotofthingsgoingfor
him: He was good looking, intelligent, outgoing, and funny. Yet Phil always
seemedtofallwayshortofachievinghisloftygoalsanddreams.Anumberof
thingsgotintheway—takingshortcuts,procrastination,andinsecuritiesabout
whetherhedeservedtogetwhathereallywanted.
PerhapsPhil’sgreatestroadblockwas hisdifficultyaskingpeople forhelp.
Phil had a number of faulty core beliefs about people helping him. He didn’t
believe he deserved to get what he wanted. He didn’t believe his needs were
importanttootherpeople.Hebelievedthesurestwaynottogethisneedsmet
wastoaskinclearanddirectways.
One day in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men’s group, Phil was lamenting
aboutthelackofsexinhisrelationshipwithhiswife.IaskedPhilifheaskedhis
wife to have sex with him. He said «no.» I asked him if he believed his wife
wantedtohavesexwithhim.Tothishealsorepliedinthenegative.
I told Phil that I thought his lack of sex was symptomatic of a bigger
problem in his life —him not thinking his needs were important and not
believingthatotherpeoplewantedtohelphimmeethisneeds.Isuggestedthat
changinghisbeliefsabouthissexualneedsmightbetheplacetobeginchanging
corebeliefsthatpreventedhimfromhavingotherthingshewantedinlife.
Thenextweek,Philwasgrinningfromeartoear.«MywifeandIhadsex,»
he beamed. Thegroup sharedin his enthusiasm. They wanted to know how it
happened.«Iasked,»wasPhil’ssimplereply.
IquestionedPhilhowhiswifefeltabouthavingsexwithhim.«Shewasfine
aboutit,»hereplied.«Shesaidshelikeshavingsexwithme,butthatIhadn’t
askedinalongtimesoshedidn’tthinkIwasinterested.»
Aweeklater,Philtoldthegrouphewasdreadingaskinghisfather-in-lawto
borrowmoneytogettheoldsingle-panewindowsreplacedonhishouse.Some
ofthegroupmembersbeganaskingquestionsaboutthecost.Somesharedthat
theyhaddonethatkindofprojectbefore.IsuggestedthatPhilaskthegroupto
helphim.Itwaslikepullingteeth,butPhilaskedthemeniftheywouldhelphim
replace his windows. The members of the group responded unanimously that
theywouldbegladto.AboutamonthlaterthemengottogetheratPhil’shouse
andhadtheequivalentofanoldfashionbarn-raising.
These two experiences had a tremendous impact on Phil. He began to see
thathis needs were important,thatpeople wanted tohelp him meet hisneeds,
andthatthesurestwayofgettingpeopletohelpwastoask.
Philbegantobuildonthisnewparadigm.Withinafewweeksheshareda
planwiththegrouptostarthisownbusiness.Afriendofthefamilyhadoffered
tohelphimgetstartedinhisownlandscapingbusiness.Thisprospectespecially
excitedhimbecausetheseasonalworkwouldallowhimtoteachsnowboarding
duringthewinter—alifelongdream.
Anoldfriendofferedtobehisfinancialbacker.Hiswifevolunteeredtolook
for a jobthat paid health insurance benefits. Men in the groupoffered tohelp
himwriteabusinessplanandsetuphisbookkeeping.
Aslong as Philtriedtodoeverything himself,hestruggledtogetwhat he
wanted.Oncehestartedaskingforhelpandlettingpeoplebethereforhim,his
lifebegantoturnaround.Heisnowheadedinthedirectionofcreatingthekind
oflifeandvocationhehasalwaysdreamedof.
BreakingFreeActivity#43
Doyoubelieveyourneedsareimportant?Doyoubelieveotherpeoplewant
tohelpyoumeetyourneeds?
Onasheetofpaper,makealistofhelpersyouhaveinyourliferight
now. These can be friends and family members. They can be
professionalssuchasdoctors,lawyers,therapists,andCPAs.
Aftermakingthelist,answerthefollowingquestions:
Whatkindofhelpersdoyoustillneed?
Howcanyouusethesehelpersmoreeffectively?
Howdoyoupreventthesepeoplefromhelpingyou?
Start looking for opportunities to ask these people for help. Build
networks.Beforeaskingforhelp,repeattheaffirmation:Thispersonwants
tohelpmegetmyneedsmet.
IdentifyingSelf-SabotagingBehaviorsAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLife
TheyWant
Asmentionedearlierinthechapter,NiceGuysfindnumerouscreativewaysto
sabotage their success in life. They waste time, they procrastinate, they start
thingsbutdon’tfinish,theyspendtoomuchtimefixingotherpeople’sproblems,
they distract themselves with trivial pursuits, they create chaos, they make
excuses.
Sal is a good example of this. Sal was raised by a passive father and a
schizophrenic mother. Neither parent was available to pay attention to him or
meethisneeds.Atayoungagehehadtotakeresponsibilityforthewelfareof
his younger brother. Sal had virtually no options as a child. When he felt
frightenedoroverwhelmed,he wouldjusthunkerdownandtrudgeaheadwith
doggeddetermination.
As an adult, Sal ran a body shop for his uncle. His uncle was a cheap,
shortsighted, marginally involved business owner. It was Sal’s job to create a
profitable business with the limited resources and dissatisfied employees his
uncleprovided.(Salactuallyoperatedontheassumptionthatthisfeatcouldbe
successfullyaccomplished!)
EveryweekwhenSalcametomen’sgroup,hisfirstorderofbusinesswasto
pop a couple of Tylenol to quiet the stress headache created by trying to
negotiate an impossible situation at work. On one occasion I asked Sal if he
wantedtoexploreoptionsforhisworksituation.«What’stheuse?»hereplied.
«There’snothingthatcanbedone.»
For about fifteen minutes, group members asked questions and proposed
options.Sallookedlikeamanundergoingarootcanalwithnoanesthetic.
«Couldyoutalkwithyouruncleandlethimknowhowdifficultyourjobis
withtheresourceshegivesyou?»
«I’vetriedthat.Hedoesn’tcare.»
«Couldyouofferprofitsharingtomotivateyouremployees?»
«Myuncleistoocheap.Hewouldnevergoforit.»
«Couldyouhireanassistanttohelpwiththeworkload?»
«Wetriedthatonceanditdidn’tworkout.»
«Couldyougetoutofmanagementandgobacktopaintingcars?»
«Iwouldmakemoremoneybutitistootoxic.»
«Couldyougetoutoftheautobodybusinessanddosomethingelse?»
«Likewhat?I’vegotamortgage,awife,andtwokids.HowamIsupposed
tostartovernow?»
«Whatisyourpassion,yourdreamjob?»
Thistime,Salpausedforamomentbeforeanswering.«I’vealwayswanted
toteachmartialarts.Thereisnowayitcouldeverhappenthough.I’dhaveto
workeveningsandweekends.Mywifejustwouldn’tgoforthatandI’dbeaway
fromthekidstoomuch.»
With each question asked and each option proposed, Sal grew noticeably
tenser. His eyes reflected a terror as if he was being interrogated by Gestapo
agentswithcattleprodsandicepicks.Whenitbecameapparentthatexploring
possibleoptionsonlyaggravatedhisfearandcausedhimtoshutdownfurther,
thegroupmembersmercifullybackedoff.Later,Salreferredtotheexperience
as«beingreamedbythegroup.»
In most situations, Nice Guys aren’t victims to others, they victimize
themselves. By his attitudes and actions, Sal all but guaranteed that he would
neverexperienceanykindofsuccessorsatisfactioninhisjob.Itwasmuchmore
familiarandcomfortabletostaystuckinastressful,no-winsituation.
EveryNiceGuywithwhomIhaveworkedhasatsomepointhadtomakea
conscious decision to stop sabotaging himself. This is a crucial aspect in
recoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndrome.Inordertostartgettingwhattheywant
in life, work, and career, recovering Nice Guys have to make the conscious
decisiontogetoutoftheirownway.
Onewayofdoingthisisbychangingthewaytheythinkaboutchange.This
begins with Nice Guys becoming aware of why they unconsciously create so
many barriers that keep them feeling stuck. A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a
degree, debt, children —are all just excuses. Making significant life changes
doesn’t require chucking all these things. It means seeing them for what they
really are excuses —and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be
going.
Forexample,Salcouldbeginteachingmartialartsoneeveningperweek.He
couldbeginworkingatpayingdownpersonaldebttoenablehimtochangejobs
inthefuture.Hecouldrefocustimespentontrivial,unsatisfyingactivities.
BreakingFreeActivity#44
Identifyhowyousabotageyourself.Onceyouhaveidentifiedyourpatterns,
determine what you have to do differently to get what you really want.
Review each item below and identify specific behaviors that will help you
stopsabotagingyourselfandachieveyourgoals.
Focus
Doitnow
Accept«goodenough»ratherthan«perfect»
Finishwhatyoustart
Don’tstartnewprojectsuntiltheoldonesarecompletelyfinishedDon’t
makeexcuses
Detachfromotherpeople’sproblems
Shareyourstrategywithasafeperson.Checkinwiththemonaregular
basis to monitor how you are doing (failing to do this part would be an
effectivewaytosabotageyourself).
DevelopingAMoreAccurateViewOfTheWorldAllowsNiceGuysTo
GettheLifeTheyWant
Ever wonder why other people seem to have so much more than you —more
money,abetterjob,anicecar,aprettierwife?Doyouenvythesepeople?Do
youresentthemforhavingwhatyoudon’t?Doyouwonderwhenitwillbeyour
turn?
Duetotheirearlylifeexperiences,NiceGuystendtoberuledbydeprivation
thinking.Theybelievethereisonlysomuchtogoaround,andifsomeoneelse
alreadyhasalot,thereislessforthem.
NiceGuyshaveadifficulttimecomprehendingthatweliveinanabundant,
ever-expandinguniverse.
Theytendtoseethegoodiesasbeinginshortsupply.Theyhangontightly
towhatthey’vegot,fearingtherewon’tbemorewhenitisgone.Theybelieve
theyhavetocontrolandmanipulatetoensurethatwhatlittleisouttherewon’t
go away. They play it safe, not trusting that their needs will always be
abundantlymet.
Thisparadigm ofscarcitycanbeillustratedbyaNiceGuynamed Russell.
As a successful salesman, Russell earned a comfortable six-figure income. He
religiouslyputfortypercentofhistakehomepayintosavingsandinvestments.
Hekeptaminimumbalanceof$30,000inhischeckingaccount.Inspiteofhis
ability to create financial wealth, Russell was controlled by his deprivation
thinking.Russellwassoafraidoffinancialruinthathewouldnotallowhiswife
tobuya$9.00videoforhischildrenatCostcoifitwasn’tinthebudget.
Russell’s deprivation thinking in regard to money was a reflection of his
viewoftheworldingeneral.
Hisfatherwasmiserlyandrigid.HeseemedtosingleRusselloutforcritical
treatment,whileheapingpraiseandfavoronhistwobrothers.Later,beforehe
died,hisfathercutRusselloutofhiswillandgaveRussell’ssharetothechurch.
It is no wonder that Russell viewed the world through lenses clouded by
deprivation.
Whenwecometoseetheworldasaplaceofabundancewecometorealize
thatthereisplentyforeveryone.Everythingweneedisflowingbyus—allwe
havetodoisgetoutofthewayofourownsmallthinkingandletitcome.
Lookaroundatthewealth—thecarspeopledrive,thehousestheylivein,
thetripstheytake.Youcan’targuewiththesheermaterialabundancethatcan
becreatedinourworld.Ifotherpeoplearelivingfull,abundantlives,whynot
you?Remember,whatonemancandoanothermancando.
Ifonemancanmakeamilliondollars,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanstartthebusinessofhisdreams,whycan’tyou?
IfonemancandriveaMercedes,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanquitacrummyjobandfindabetterone,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanbeasnowboardinginstructor,whycan’tyou?
Unfortunately, the world can’t give us something that we’re not ready to
receive. Since deprivation thinking keeps a person holding tightly to what he
alreadyhas,thereisnoreceptivityforreceivingmore.
AsPhilfoundout,whenweaskforwhatwewant,andexpecttoreceiveit,it
willcomeonewayoranother.
BreakingFreeActivity#45
Setthisebookdownforafewmomentsandcloseyoureyes.Takeacouple
ofdeepbreathsandexhaleslowly.Clearyourmind.
Onceyouarerelaxed,pictureyourselflivinginanabundantworld.In
thisabundantworld,therearenorestraintsorlimitations.Goodthingsflow
pastyoucontinuously.Imagineeveryabundantthingyouhaveeverdesired
—car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenge.
Visualizeyourselflivingyourlifesurroundedbythisabundance.
Repeatthisvisualizationseveraltimesadayuntilitbeginstofeelrealto
you.Openyourarms,yourheart,andyourmind.Getoutoftheway,and
letithappen.
Get the Life You Want: The No More Mr. Nice Guy! Strategy For
Success
Nice Guys believe there is a set of rules that govern all behavior. They are
convincedthatiftheycanfigureouttheserulesandsuccessfullyabidebythem,
they will have a smooth, happy life. They also believe that there are dire
consequencesforfailingtodiscernandobeytheserules.
Discoveringpassionandpurposerequiresfiguringoutwhatworksandwhat
doesn’t. Mature, successful people establish their own rules. These rules are
measuredbyonlyonestandard:Dotheywork?
Over the years, the men in my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups have
discoveredanumberofrulesthatworkforthem.Theseruleshavehelpedthem
discover their passion and live up to their potential. These rules have helped
themcreatethekindoflifeandvocationtheyreallydesire.
BreakingFreeActivity#46
Readoverthelistofrulesbelow.Tryafewofthemonforsize.Addtothe
listyourownpersonalrules.Writetheserulesonnotecardsandputthem
whereyoucanseethemeveryday.
1. Ifitfrightensyou,doit.
2. Don’tsettle.Everytimeyousettle,yougetexactlywhatyousettledfor.
3. Putyourselffirst.
4. Nomatterwhathappens,youwillhandleit.
5. Whateveryoudo,doit100%.
6. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have
alwaysgot.
7. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs,
wants,andhappiness.
8. Askforwhatyouwant.
9. Ifwhatyouaredoingisn’tworking,trysomethingdifferent.
10. Beclearanddirect.
11. Learntosay«no.»
12. Don’tmakeexcuses.
13. Ifyouareanadult,youareoldenoughtomakeyourownrules.
14. Letpeoplehelpyou.
15. Behonestwithyourself.
16. Donotletanyonetreatyoubadly.Noone.Ever.
17. Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the
situationtochange.
18. Don’ttoleratetheintolerable—ever.
19. Stopblaming.Victimsneversucceed.
20. Livewithintegrity.Decidewhatfeelsrighttoyou,thendoit.
21. Accepttheconsequencesofyouractions.
22. Begoodtoyourself.
23. Think«abundance.»
24. Facedifficultsituationsandconflictheadon.
25. Don’tdoanythinginsecret.
26. Doitnow.
27. Bewillingtoletgoofwhatyouhavesoyoucangetwhatyouwant.
28. Havefun.Ifyouarenothavingfun,somethingiswrong.
29. Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning
experiences.
30. Controlisanillusion.Letgo;letlifehappen.
Itistimetostartgettingwhatyouwant.Breakingfreefromthe Nice Guy
Syndromewillallowyoutodiscoveryourtruepassionandpotential.Bytaking
responsibilityforcreatingthekindoflifeyoureallywant,youcanbecomeall
thatyouweremeanttobe.
Epilogue
I t took me six years to write this book. During this time I have worked with
countlessNiceGuysandtheirpartners.IhaveaveragedthreeNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy! men’s groups per week. In group time alone, that’s over 1,800 hours of
workingwith Nice Guys. Duringthis time I haveobserved many excitingand
profoundthings.
Ihave watchedcountlessmengo frombeinghelpless,passive,controlling,
andresentfulvictimstobecomingempowered,integratedmales.
IhaveseennumerousrelationshipsdramaticallyimproveandI’veseenjust
asmanydieanoverduedeath.
I’ve listened to unsolicited testimonials and read letters of gratitude from
bothmenandwomenaboutthechangestheyhaveexperiencedintheirlives.
Ihavereceivedresponsesfrommenandwomenallovertheworldwhohave
seenthemselvesorsomeonetheyloveinthedescriptionoftheNiceGuyonmy
website.
Based on observing all of these things, here is my greatest discovery: The
toolsandinsightspresentedinNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!work!
Having finished reading this book, I encourage you to start again at the
beginning. Take the time to do the Breaking Free exercises. If you have not
already done so, find a safe person or group to assist you on your journey of
recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If you are in a relationship, ask your
partnertoreadthebook.Sharewithhimorhertheinsightsyouarediscovering
aboutyourself.
Working the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. Nice Guy! is
oneofthegreatestgiftsyoucangiveyourselfandyourlovedones.Asyoulearn
toapproveofyourselfyouwilldiscoverwithinyouanunimaginableabilityto
loveandacceptloveandtolivelifetoitsfullest.Thiskindofexpansivenessis
initiallyfrightening,butitistheessenceofwhoyouareandwhatyouaremeant
tobe.
Withthisdiscoveryofyourtrueselfcomesunlimitedfreedom.Freedomto
bejustwhoyouare.Freedomtostopseekingapproval.Freedomtostartgetting
whatyouwant.
ROBERTGLOVER.Dr.Gloverisaninternationallyrecognizedauthorityonthe
Nice Guy Syndrome. He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been
featuredinnumerouslocalandnationalpublications.
Throughhisbook,onlineclasses,workshops,podcasts,blogs,consultation,and
therapy groups, Dr. Glover has helped change the lives of countless men and
womenaroundtheworld.
Asaresultofhiswork,Dr.GloverhashelpedthousandsofNiceGuystransform
from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along
with these personal changes have come similar transformations in these men's
professionalcareersandintimaterelationships.