Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media
phenomenon, and now available in paperback, No More Mr. Nice Guy!
addresses «Nice Guy Syndrome» —trying too hard to please others
while neglecting ones own needs, thus causing unhappiness and
resentfulness.
Dr. Glover, a certified marriage and family therapist, explains why
unfulfilledNiceGuyslashoutatlovedones,andoffersadviceformento
stop seeking approval, express emotion, enjoy a satisfying sex life,
embracemasculinity,formmeaningfulrelationshipswithothermen,and
liveuptotheircreativepotential.
RobertGlover
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
AProvenPlanForGettingWhatYouWantinLove,SexandLife
ePubr1.1
Rob_Cole27.12.2017
Títulooriginal:NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
RobertGlover,2001
Retoquedecubierta:TheEdwardRCT
Editordigital:Rob_Cole
Primereditor:TheEdwardRCT(r1.0)
ePubbaser1.2
ThisbookisdedicatedtoElizabeth.Youaremypartner,mymuse,and
mybestfriend.Ifnotforyou,Iwouldstillbeahopelesslyclueless
NiceGuy.YouaretrulyagiftfromGod.Thankyou.
ForDavid,Jamie,Steve,andGrant.Youarethegreatestkidsaparent
couldwant.Youareeachsodifferentanduniquethatyoumake
parentinganever-endingjoy.Thankyouforallthetimesyouasked,
«Whenareyougoingtofinishyourbook?»Don’teverstopbeingjust
whoyouare.
Forthecountlessmenandwomenwhohaveinvitedmeintothemost
personalareasoftheirlives.Ihavewrittenthisbookforyou.Thank
youforyourinputandsupportinwritingNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
EspeciallyforallthemenwhohavebeenapartofmyNoMoreMr.
NiceGuy!men’sgroups.Youwillneverknowhowmuchbeingapart
ofyourlivesandhaschangedmyownlife.Thankyou.
ForDr.AnneHastings.Yourwisdomandinsightcanbefoundon
everypageofthisbook.YouhavehelpedmebelievethatitisOKfor
metobewhoIam,justasIam.Thankyou.
ForDebbyDuvall.Youreditorialskillshavecoveredamultitudeof
mysins.Thankyouforhelpingmakethisabetterbook.
Introduction
Fivedecadesofdramaticsocialchangeandmonumentalshiftsinthetraditional
family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the
approvalofothers.
IcallthesemenNiceGuys.
NiceGuysareconcernedaboutlookinggoodanddoingit«right.»Theyare
happiestwhentheyaremakingothershappy.NiceGuysavoidconflictlikethe
plagueandwillgotogreatlengthstoavoidupsettinganyone.Ingeneral,Nice
Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about
pleasingwomenandbeing different from other men.Ina nutshell, Nice Guys
believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be
happy,loved,andfulfilled.
Soundtoogoodtobetrue?
Itis.
Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and
resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively
pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately
craveandbelievetheydeserve.ThisfrustrationisduetothefactthatNiceGuys
havebelievedamyth.
ThismythistheessenceofwhatIcalltheNiceGuySyndrome.TheNice
Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are «good,» they will be
loved,gettheirneedsmet,andliveaproblem-freelife.
Whenthislifestrategyfailstoproducethedesiredresults—asitoftendoes
—NiceGuysusuallyjusttryharder,doingmoreofthesame.Duetothesense
ofhelplessnessandresentmentthispatterninevitablyproduces,NiceGuysare
oftenanythingbutnice.
TheconceptoftheNiceGuySyndromegrewoutofmyownfrustrationof
tryingtodoit«right,»yetnevergettingbackwhatIbelievedIdeserved.Iwas
thetypical«sensitivenewageguy»—andproudofit.IbelievedIwasoneof
thenicestguysyouwouldevermeet.YetIwasn’thappy.
As I began exploring my own Nice Guy behaviors —caretaking, giving to
get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding
mistakes—Istartednoticingnumerousmenwithsimilartraitsinmycounseling
practice.Itdawnedonmethatthescriptguidingmyownlifewasnotanisolated
incident,buttheproductofasocialdynamicthataffectedcountlessadultmales.
Up until now, no one has taken the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome
seriouslyorofferedaneffectivesolution.ThisiswhyIwroteNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!
This book shows Nice Guys how to stop seeking approval and start
gettingwhattheywantinloveandlife.TheinformationpresentedinNoMore
Mr. Nice Guy! represents a proven plan to help passively pleasing men break
freefromtheineffectivepatternsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.Itisbasedonmy
ownexperienceofrecoveryandmyworkwithcountlessNiceGuysoverthelast
twentyyears.
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!isunashamedlypro-male.Nevertheless,Ihavehad
countlesswomensupport the writingof this book. Womenwho read the book
regularly tell me that it not only helps them better understand their Nice Guy
partner,italsohelpsthemgainnewinsightsaboutthemselves.
TheinformationandtoolspresentedinNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!work.If
you are a frustrated Nice Guy, the principles presented in the following pages
willchangeyourlife.Youwill:
Learneffectivewaystogetyourneedsmet.
Begintofeelmorepowerfulandconfident.
Createthekindofintimaterelationshipsyoureallywant.
Learntoexpressyourfeelingsandemotions.
Haveafulfillingandexcitingsexlife.
Embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relationships with
men.
Liveuptoyourpotentialandbecometrulycreativeandproductive.
Acceptyourselfjustasyouare.
Iftheabovetraitssoundgoodtoyou,yourjourneyofbreakingfreefromthe
NiceGuySyndromehasjustbegun.Itistimetostopseekingapprovalandstart
gettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
Chapter1
TheNiceGuySyndrome
«I’maNiceGuy.I’moneofthenicestguysyou’reevergoingtomeet.»
Jason,achiropractorinhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstsessionofindividual
therapywiththisintroduction.Jasondescribedhislifeas«perfect»—exceptfor
onemajor problem—hissexlife.Ithad been severalmonthssinceheand his
wife Heather had been sexual and it didn’t look like anything was going to
changesoon.
Jason spoke openly about his marriage, his family, and his sexuality. An
affableman,heseemedtowelcometheopportunitytotalkabouthimselfandhis
life.
More than anything, Jason wanted to be liked. He saw himself as a very
generous,givingperson.Hepridedhimselfonnothavingmanyupsanddowns
andforneverlosinghistemper.Herevealedthathelikedtomakepeoplehappy
andthathehatedconflict.Toavoidrockingtheboatwithhiswife,hetendedto
holdbackhisfeelingsandtriedtodoeverything«right.»
After this introduction, Jason took a piece of paper out of his pocket and
began to unfold it. While doing so, he stated that he had written a few things
downsohewouldn’tforgetthem.
«Icanneverdoitright,»Jasonbegan,lookingoverhislist.«Nomatterhow
hardItry,Heatheralwaysfindssomethingwrong.Idon’tdeservetobetreated
thisway.Itrytobeagoodhusbandandfather,butit’snevergoodenough.»
Jasonpausedashelookedoverhislist.
«This morning is a good example,» he continued. «While Heather was
gettingreadyforwork,IgotourbabyChelsieup,fedherbreakfast,gavehera
bath.Ihadherallreadytogoandwasabouttogetreadymyself.ThenHeather
walkedinandgotthatlookonherface.IknewIwasintrouble.»
«'Why’d you dress her in that? That’s a good outfit.'» Jason mimicked his
wife’s tone. «I didn’t know she wanted Chelsie to wear something different.
AftereverythingIdidtogetherreadythismorning,itwasstillwrong.»
«Here’s another example,» Jason continued, «the other day I cleaned the
kitchenanddidarealgoodjob.
Iloadedthedishwasher,didthepotsandpans,andsweptthefloor.Ithought
Heatherwould really appreciate all that I was doing to help out. Before Iwas
finished,shewalkedinandasked,'Howcomeyoudidn’twipeoffthecounters?'
Iwasn’tevendone,forgoodnesssake.ButinsteadofnoticingallthatIhaddone
andthankingme,shefocusedontheonethingIhadn’tfinishedyet.»
«Thenthereisthe’sexthing,»Jasoncontinued.«Weonlymessedarounda
few times before we got married because we’re both Christians. Sex is real
important to me, but Heather just isn’t interested. I thought once you got
married,everythingwassupposedtobegreat.AfterallIdoforHeather,you’d
thinkshebewillingtogivemetheonethingIreallywant.»
«Idoalotmore than most guys. It seems likeI’malwaysgivingsomuch
more than I get.» Now, looking like a little boy on the couch, Jason pleaded,
«AllIwantistobelovedandappreciated.Isthattoomuchtoask?»
SomeOfTheNicestGuysYouWillEverMeet
MenlikeJasonwalkintomyofficeonasurprisinglyregularbasis.Theseguys
comeinallshapesandsizesyettheyallhavethesamebasicworldview.Letme
introduceyoutoafewmore.
Omar
Omar’snumberonegoalinlifeistopleasehisgirlfriend.Nevertheless,she
complainsthatheisneveremotionallyavailableforher.Infact,everyoneofhis
previousgirlfriendshashadthesamecomplaint.
Since Omar sees himself as such a giver, he can’t understand these
accusations. Omar states that his greatest joy in life is making other people
happy.Heevencarriesapagersohisfriendscangetintouchwithhimifthey
needanything.
Todd
Todd prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect. He
believesthesetraitssethimapartfromothermenandshouldattractwomento
him.Thoughhehasmanyfemalefriends,herarelydates.
Thewomenheknowstellhimwhatagreatlistenerheisandoftencallhim
tosharetheirproblems.Helikesfeelingneeded.Thesefemalefriendsconstantly
tellhimwhatagreat«catch»hewillmakeforsomeluckywoman.Inspiteofthe
wayhetreatswomen,hecan’tunderstandwhytheyallseemtobeattractedto
jerks,ratherthanNiceGuyslikehim.
Bill
Billis thepersontowhomeveryone turnswhentheyneedsomething.The
word«no»justisn’tinhisvocabulary.Hefixescarsforwomenathischurch.
Hecoacheshisson’slittleleaguebaseballteam.Hisbuddiescallonhimwhen
theyneedhelpmoving.Helooksafterhiswidowedmothereveryeveningafter
work.Eventhoughitmakeshimfeelgoodtogivetoothers,heneverseemsto
getasmuchashegives.
Gary
Gary’s wife has frequent rage attacks in which she verbally shames and
demeanshim.Becauseheisafraidofconflictanddoesn’twanttorocktheboat,
Garywillavoidbringingupsubjectsthatheknowsmightmakehiswifeangry.
Afterafight,heisalwaysthefirstonetoapologize.Hecannotrecallhiswife
ever saying she was sorry for any of her behaviors. In spite of the constant
conflict,Garysaysheloveshiswifeandwoulddoanythingtopleaseher.
Rick
Rick, a man in his early forties, is in a committed relationship with an
alcoholic.RickcametocounselingtohelphiswifeRebeccawithhisdrinking
problem. Rick complains that it always feels as if it is up to him to hold
everythingtogether.His hope is that if he can help Rebeccagetsober,hewill
finallyhavethekindofrelationshiphehasalwayswanted.
Lyle
Lyle, a devout Christian, tries to do everything right. He teaches Sunday
school and is an elder in his church. Nevertheless, he has struggled since
adolescencewith an addictiontopornography.Lylemasturbates compulsively,
oftenthreetofourtimesaday.Hespendshourseverydaylookingatsexually
explicitwebsitesontheinternet.Heisterrifiedthatifanyoneeverfindsoutthe
truthabouthissexualcompulsions,hislifewillbedestroyed.Hetriestocontrol
hisproblemwithprayer and Bible study, althoughneitherof these approaches
hasdonemuchgood.
Jose
Jose,abusinessconsultantinhislatethirties,hasspentthelastfiveyearsin
a relationship with a woman he considers needy and dependent. Jose began
thinking about breaking up the day she first moved in. He is afraid that his
girlfriendwouldn’tbeabletomakeitonherownifhelefther.Althoughhehas
madeseveralabortedattemptstobreakup,hisgirlfriendalwaysbecomessuch
an«emotionalbasketcase»thathegetsbacktogetherwithher.Josespendsjust
about every waking moment trying to figure out how to get out of the
relationshipwithouthurtinghisgirlfriendorlookinglikeajerk.
WhoAreTheseMen?
Thoughallofthesemenareunique,eachsharesacommonlifescript:Theyall
believethatiftheyare«good»anddoeverything«right,»theywillbeloved,get
theirneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Thisattempttobegoodtypicallyinvolvestryingtoeliminateorhidecertain
thingsaboutthemselves(theirmistakes,needs,emotions)andbecomewhatthey
believeotherswantthemtobe(generous,helpful,peaceful,etc.).
IcallthesemenNiceGuys.
Up to now we haven’t paid much attention to the Nice Guy, but he is
everywhere.
Heistherelativewholetshiswiferuntheshow.
He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life
seemstobeinshambles.
Heistheguywhofrustrateshiswifeorgirlfriendbecauseheissoafraidof
conflictthatnothingevergetsresolved.
He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses
himselftopleasesomeoneelse.
Heisthemanwholetspeoplewalkalloverhimbecausehedoesn’twantto
rocktheboat.
Heisthedependableguyatchurchortheclubwhowillneversay«no,»but
wouldnevertellanyoneiftheywereimposingonhim.
Heisthemanwhoselifeseemssoundercontrol,untilBOOM,onedayhe
doessomethingtodestroyitall.
CharacteristicsofNiceGuys
EveryNiceGuyisunique,butallhaveaclusterofsimilarcharacteristics.These
traitsaretheresultofascript,oftenformedinchildhood,thatguidestheirlives.
Whileothermenmayhaveoneortwoofthesetraits,NiceGuysseemtopossess
asignificantnumber.
Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel
goodtogivetoothers.Thesemenbelievetheirgenerosityisasignofhowgood
theyareandwillmakeotherpeopleloveandappreciatethem.
NiceGuysfixandcaretake.Ifapersonhasaproblem,hasaneed,isangry,
depressedorsad,NiceGuyswillfrequentlyattempttosolveorfixthesituation
(usuallywithoutbeingasked).
Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy
Syndromeistheseekingofvalidationfromothers.EverythingaNiceGuydoes
or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid
disapproval.Thisisespeciallytrueintheirrelationshipswithwomen.
NiceGuysavoidconflict.NiceGuysseektokeeptheirworldsmooth.To
dothis,theyavoiddoingthingsthatmightrocktheboatorupsetanyone.
Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave
themifsomemistakeorshortcomingisexposed.
NiceGuysseekthe«right»waytodothings.NiceGuysbelievethereisa
key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can
onlyfigureouttherightwaytodoeverything,nothingshouldevergowrong.
Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than
feel.Theymayseefeelingsasawasteoftimeandenergy.Theyfrequentlytryto
keeptheirfeelingsonanevenkeel.
NiceGuysoftentrytobedifferentfromtheirfathers.ManyNiceGuys
report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic
fathers.Itisnotunusualforthesementomakeadecisionatsomepointintheir
livestotrytobe180degreesdifferentfromDad.
NiceGuysareoftenmorecomfortablerelating towomenthantomen.
Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends.
NiceGuysfrequentlyseektheapprovalofwomenandconvincethemselvesthey
aredifferentfromothermen.Theyliketobelievethattheyarenotselfish,angry,
orabusive—traitstheylinkto«other»men.
NiceGuyshavedifficultymakingtheirneedsapriority.Thesemenoften
feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put
others'needsaheadoftheirown.
NiceGuys often maketheir partner their emotional center. Many Nice
Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they
willoftenfocustremendousenergyontheirintimaterelationships.
What’sWrongWithBeingANiceGuy?
WemightbetemptedtominimizetheproblemoftheNiceGuySyndrome.After
all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the
Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and
televisionsitcoms.Sincemenalreadyrepresentaneasytargetinourculture,the
caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than
concern.
NiceGuysthemselvesfrequentlyhaveadifficulttimegraspingthedepthand
seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these
passivelypleasingmen,almostwithoutexception,theyallask,«Whatiswrong
withbeingaNiceGuy?»Havingpickedupthisbookandpuzzledoverthetitle,
youmaybewonderingthesamething.
BygivingthesementhelabelNiceGuy,I’mnotsomuchreferringtotheir
actualbehavior,buttotheircorebeliefsystemaboutthemselvesandtheworld
around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are
«nice,»theywillbeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife.
The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often
anythingbutnice.HerearesomeNot-So-NiceTraitsofNiceGuys:
NiceGuysaredishonest.Thesemenhidetheirmistakes,avoidconflict,say
whattheythinkpeoplewanttohear,andrepresstheirfeelings.Thesetraitsmake
NiceGuysfundamentallydishonest.
NiceGuysaresecretive.Becausetheyaresodriventoseekapproval,Nice
Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy
mottois,«Ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed,hidetheevidence.»
Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing
contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into
individualcompartmentsintheirminds.
Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which
allowshimtodenythathehadanaffairwithhissecretary(orintern)becausehe
neverputhispenisinhervagina.
NiceGuys are manipulative.NiceGuys tendtohaveahardtime making
theirneedsapriorityandhavedifficultyaskingforwhattheywantinclearand
directways.Thiscreatesasenseofpowerlessness.
Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their
needsmet.
NiceGuysarecontrolling.AmajorpriorityforNiceGuysiskeepingtheir
world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and
thingsaroundthem.
NiceGuysgivetoget.ThoughNiceGuystendtobegenerousgivers,their
giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be
appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop
beingangryatthem,etc.NiceGuysoftenreportfeelingfrustratedorresentfulas
aresultofgivingsomuchwhileseeminglygettingsolittleinreturn.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their
frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This
includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not
being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same
annoyingbehaviorsevenwhentheyhavepromisedtoneverdothemagain.
NiceGuysarefullofrage.ThoughNiceGuysfrequentlydenyevergetting
angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of
repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the
mostunexpectedandseeminglyinappropriatetimes.
NiceGuysareaddictive.Addictivebehaviorservesthepurposeofrelieving
stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so
muchbottledupinside,ithastocomeoutsomewhere.
One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual
compulsiveness.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a
hardtimesaying«no,»«stop,»or«I’mgoingto.»Theyoftenfeellikehelpless
victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are
experiencing.
Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked
andloved,theirbehaviorsactuallymakeitdifficultforpeopletogetveryclose
tothem.
NiceGuysareoftenattractedtopeopleandsituationsthatneedfixing.
ThisbehaviorisoftentheresultoftheNiceGuy’schildhoodconditioning,his
needtolookgood,orhisquestforapproval.
Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will
spendmostoftheirtimeputtingoutfiresandmanagingcrises.
Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though
Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their
intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For
example:
Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to
figureouthowtodefendthemselvesorfixtheotherperson’sproblem.
Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are
rarelyavailabletoworkallthewaythroughaproblem.
Itisnotunusual for Nice Guys toformrelationshipswith partners whom
they believe to be «projects» or «diamonds in the rough.» When these
projectsdon’tpolishupasexpected,NiceGuystendtoblametheirpartner
forstandinginthewayoftheirhappiness.
NiceGuyshaveissueswithsexuality.ThoughmostNiceGuysdenyhaving
problemswithsex,Ihaveyettomeetonewhoisn’teitherdissatisfiedwithhis
sexlife,hasasexualdysfunction(can’tgetormaintainanerection,climaxestoo
quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography,
compulsivemasturbation,etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice
GuysI’vemethavebeentalented,intelligent,andmoderatelysuccessful.Almost
withoutexceptionthough,theyfailtoliveuptotheirfullpotential.
«ButHeSeemedLikeSuchANiceGuy»
It is not unusual for unsuspecting people to mistake the passive, pleasing, and
generouscharacteristicsofaNiceGuyforthoseofahealthymale.Manywomen
havetoldmethatuponinitiallymeetingthesemen,theybelievedthesametobe
true.Becauseheseemeddifferentfromothermentheyhadbeenwith,theNice
Guyseemedlikearealcatch.
Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into
Nice Guys' lives and personal relationships. As a result, these men tend to
swingbackandforthbetweenbeingniceandnot-so-nice.Ihavelistenedto
countlesswivesandgirlfriendsdescribetheDr.JekyllandMr.Hydequalitiesof
NiceGuys:
«Hecanbereallywonderfulandhecanalsohurtmedeeply.He’lldoallthe
extralittlethingslikepickingupthekidsandfixingdinnerwhenIhavetoputin
extra hours at work. But then out of the blue, he’ll throw a tantrum about me
neverbeingsexuallyavailabletohim.»
«Everyonethinks he issuchagreatguy and I’m reallyluckytohavehim.
Buttheydon’tknowwhathecanreallybelike.He’salwayshelpingpeopleout
withtheircarorsomethingelsethatneedsfixing.
When I ask him to do something he tells me that he can never make me
happyandthatI’mnaggingandcontrollinglikehismother.»
«He is constantly trying to please me. He will do anything for me except
reallybethereforme.He’llgoshoppingwithmeeventhoughIknowhedoesn’t
wantto.Thewholetimehewilljustsulk,whichmakesmemiserable.Iwishhe
wouldjusttellme’no'sometimes.»
«Hewillnevertellmewhensomethingisbotheringhim.He’lljustkeepitin
and it will build like a pressure cooker. I won’t have a clue that anything is
botheringhim.Andthenoutoftheblue,he’llexplodeandwe’llendupinabig
fight.Ifhewouldjusttellmewhenheisupsetaboutsomething,itwouldmakeit
aloteasier.»
«WhenItrytotalktohimaboutsomethingthatisbotheringme,hetriesto
fix it. He thinks that if I just did everything his way, it would solve all my
problems.HealwaystellsmeIdwellonthenegativeandthathecannevermake
mehappy.AllIreallywantisforhimtolistentome.»
«After all the other crummy men I’ve been with, I thought I had finally
foundaniceguythatIcouldtrust.FiveyearsintoourmarriageIfoundoutthat
hewasaddictedtopornographyandpeepshows.Iwasdevastated.Inevereven
hadaclue.»
«IwishIcouldwaveamagicwand,keepallofhisgoodtraits,andmakeall
theothersdisappear.»
TheIntegratedMale
AfterenrollinginaNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!therapygroup,Gil,apleasantman
inhisearlyfiftiesrevealedthathiswifewassupportiveofhisjoiningagroup.
Nevertheless,heharboredasecretfearthatshewouldbeangryatwhatthename
ofthegroupseemedtoimply—«HowtostopbeingaNiceGuyandbecomean
S.O.B.»UsingtypicalNiceGuylogic,Gilquestionedwhyanywomanwouldbe
supportiveofmenbecoming«notnice.»
Because Nice Guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking, the
onlyalternativetheycanseetobeingniceisbecoming«bastards»or«jerks.»I
frequently remind Nice Guys that the opposite of crazy is still crazy, so
becominga«jerk»isn’ttheanswer.
RecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeisn’taboutgoingfromoneextreme
to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns
doesn’tinvolvebecoming«notnice.»Rather,itmeansbecoming«integrated.»
Beingintegratedmeansbeingabletoacceptallaspectsofone’sself.An
integratedmanisabletoembraceeverythingthatmakeshimuniquelymale:his
power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his
imperfections,hismistakes,andhisdarkside.
Anintegratedmalepossessesmanyofthefollowingattributes:
Hehasastrongsenseofself.Helikeshimselfjustasheis.
Hetakesresponsibilityforgettinghisownneedsmet.
Heiscomfortablewithhismasculinityandhissexuality.
Hehasintegrity.Hedoeswhatisright,notwhatisexpedient.
Heisaleader.Heiswilling toprovideforandprotectthosehecares
about.
Heisclear,direct,andexpressiveofhisfeelings.
Hecanbenurturingandgivingwithoutcaretakingorproblem-solving.
He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through
conflict.
Anintegratedmaledoesn’tstrivetobeperfectorgaintheapprovalofothers.
Insteadheacceptshimselfjustasheis,wartsandall.Anintegratedmaleaccepts
thatheisperfectlyimperfect.
Making the transformation from a Nice Guy to an integrated male doesn’t
comeaboutbyjusttryinghardertobeagoodman.BreakingfreefromtheNice
Guy Syndrome demands embracing a totally different way of viewing oneself
andtheworld,acompletechangeinone’spersonalparadigm.Letmeexplain.
Paradigms
A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life’s journey. Everyone uses
theseroadmapsandeveryoneassumesthemaptheyareusingisup-to-dateand
accurate.
Paradigms often operate at an unconscious level, yet they determine to a
largedegreeourattitudesandbehaviors.Theyserveasafilterthroughwhichwe
process life experiences. Data that does not fit our paradigm is screened out,
never reaching our conscious mind. Information that does fit our paradigm is
magnifiedbytheprocess,andaddsevengreatersupportforthatparticularway
ofbelieving.
Paradigms,likeroadmaps,canbegreattoolsforspeedingusalongonour
journey.Unfortunately,iftheyareoutdatedorinaccurate,theycansendusinthe
wrongdirectionorfruitlesslydrivingaroundthesameoldneighborhood.When
this happens we often keep trying harder to find our desired destination while
feeling more and more frustrated. Even though an individual following an
inaccurate or outdated paradigm may think his behavior makes perfect sense,
thosearoundhimmaywonderwhathecouldpossiblybethinkingtomakehim
actthewayhedoes.
Most paradigms are developed when we are young, naïve, and relatively
powerless. They are often based on the inaccurate interpretations of childhood
experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they are rarely evaluated or
updated.Perhapsmostsignificantly,theyareassumedtobe100percentaccurate
—evenwhentheyarenot.
TheIneffectiveNiceGuyParadigm
TheworkingparadigmoftheNiceGuyisthis:
IFIcanhidemyflawsandbecomewhatIthinkotherswantmetobe
THENIwillbeloved,getmyneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Evenwhenthisparadigmisineffective,NiceGuysonlyseeonealternative:
tryharder.
Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters
when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief
systemsthathaveproventobeconsistentlyunworkable,yetaresoembeddedin
their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is
difficultforNiceGuystoconsiderdoingsomethingdifferent,evenwhenwhat
theyaredoingisn’tworking.
Jason, whose sexual difficulties with his wife, Heather, were introduced at
thebeginningofthechapter,isagoodexampleofthefrustrationthatcanresult
from an ineffective Nice Guy paradigm. Jason had a controlling, perfectionist
fatherwhoputunrealisticdemandsonJasonandhissiblings.Hisfatherbelieved
there was one right way to do everything —his way. Jason’s mother was an
emotionallydependentwomanwholivedthroughherchildren.Whenhismother
wasneedy,shewouldsmotherherkids.Whenthechildrenhadneeds,shewas
oftentooemotionallydistressedtorespond.
Jason learned to cope with his childhood experience by developing a
paradigmthatincluded:
Believingthatifhecouldfigureouthow todoeverythingright,hecould
garnerhisfather’sapprovalandavoidhiscriticism.
Believingthatifherespondedtohismother’sneedinessbybeingattentive
andnurturing,shewouldbeavailabletohimwhenhehadneeds.
Believingthatifhewasneveramoment’sproblem,hewouldgetloveand
approval.
Believingthatifhehidhismistakes,noonewouldevergetmadathim.
Asachild,Jasonwastoonaiveandpowerlesstorealizethatnomatterwhat
he did, he would never live up his father’s expectations. Similarly, no matter
howgivinghewas,hisneedymotherwouldneverbeavailabletonurturehim.
He could not see that there really was no way to do everything right. And
regardlessofhow well he believed he hidhisflaws or mistakes, people might
stillgetangryathim.
Even when his childhood road map failed to take him in the desired
direction,theonlyoptionhecouldseewastojustkeeptryingharderdoingmore
of the same. The only thing his paradigm ever really did was to create a
distractionfromhisfeelingsoffear,worthlessness,andinadequacy.
Inadulthood,Jasontriedtoapplyhischildhoodparadigmtohisrelationship
with his wife. Like his mother, his wife was only attentive when she was
emotionally needy. Like his father, she could be critical and controlling. By
applyinghischildhoodroadmaptohismarriage—tryingtodoeverythingright,
being attentive and nurturing, never being a moment’s problem, hiding his
mistakes—Jasoncreatedanillusionthathecouldgethiswifetoapproveofhim
all the time, be sexually available whenever he wanted, and never get mad at
him.Hisdefectiveparadigmpreventedhimfromseeingthatnomatterwhathe
did, his wife would still at times be cold, critical, and unavailable, and that
maybe he needed her to be that way. Even when his paradigm was just as
ineffectiveinadulthoodasitwasinchildhood,Jason’sonlyoptionseemedtobe
tojustkeeptryingharder.
DoingSomethingDifferent
OneofmyalltimefavoriteSeinfeldepisodesistheonewhereGeorgedecidedto
changehislifebyactingtheoppositeofhowhewouldhavetypicallybehaved.
Ironically,bydoingeverythingtheopposite,hegetsabeautifulgirlfriendanda
job with the Yankees. While doing everything the opposite may not be the
answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things
differentis.
Over the last several years, I have watched countless men «do something
different» by applying the principles contained in this book. These men have
transformed themselves from resentful, frustrated, helpless Nice Guys into
assertive,empowered,andhappyindividuals.
Just like George on the Seinfeld show, when Nice Guys decide to make a
change, interesting things begin to happen. Among other things, I’ve watched
thesemen:
Acceptthemselvesjustastheyare.
Usetheirmistakesasvaluablelearningtools.
Stopseekingtheapprovalofothers.
Experiencelovingandintimaterelationships.
Maketheirneedsapriority.
Findpeoplewhoareableandwillingtohelpthemmeettheirneeds.
Learntogivejudiciously,withnostringsattached.
Facetheirfears.
Developintegrityandhonesty.
Setboundaries.
Buildmeaningfulrelationshipswithmen.
Createhealthier,moresatisfyingrelationshipswithwomen.
Experienceandexpresstheirfeelings.
Dealwithproblemsdirectly.
Developanintimateandsatisfyingsexualrelationship.
Findpeacewiththechangingcomplexitiesoflife.
AskingForHelp
Nice Guys believe they should be able do everything on their own. They
haveadifficulttimeaskingforhelpandtrytohideanysignsofimperfectionor
weakness. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves reversing this
pattern.
RecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeisdependentonrevealingone’s
self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that
menwhowanttobreakfreefromtheNiceGuySyndromefindsafepeople
toassisttheminthisprocess.
I encourage recovering Nice Guys to begin this process with a therapist,
therapygroup,12-stepgroup,areligiousleader,orclosefriend.SinceNiceGuys
tendtoseekouttheapprovalofwomen,Istronglyencouragethemtobeginthis
processwith men. For someNice Guys, the conceptof «safe men» mayseem
likeanoxymoron,butIhighlyrecommenditanyway.
I have been leading men’s therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys for
severalyears.Someofthemostsignificantaspectsofmyownrecoveryfromthe
NiceGuySyndrome(evenbeforeIknewwhatitwas)occurredinthecontextof
12-stepgroupsandtherapygroups.EventhoughIamsureitispossibletobreak
free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most
effectivetoolIknowforfacilitatingtherecoveryprocess.
BreakingFreeActivities
Ifyourecognizeyourselforsomeoneyouloveinwhatyouhavereadsofar,read
on.Thisbookpresentsapracticalandeffectiveguideforbreakingfreefromthe
negativeeffectsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.
This program has worked for countless men and it can work for you or a
lovedone.
Tohelpfacilitatethisprocess,IpresentnumerousBreakingFreeactivities
throughoutthebook.
These Breaking Free activities serve to facilitate the paradigm shift that is
necessary for recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. They will not only help
recovering Nice Guys understand where their paradigms came from, but will
help replace them with more accurate and up-to-date ones. These assignments
will also point recovering Nice Guys in a direction that will help them start
doingthingsdifferently.
BreakingFree:Activity#1
Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to
providesupportforyouinyourrecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up
counselorsorsupportgroups inthephonebook.Write downthreenames
andphonenumbersandcallthemwhenyoufinishthischapter.Ifyouare
employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is
another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a
supportgroup,askthemforinformation.IfyouhaveaccesstotheInternet
youcansearchfor12-stepgroupsorsupportgroups.
Caution
Before you decide to apply the principles presented in this book, I must first
warnyouabouttwothings.
The first is that the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. Nice
Guy!isnotjustafewgoodideastotryonforsize.Itrepresentsachallengeto
everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their
needsmet,andkeeptheirworldcalm.
BreakingfreefromtheNiceGuySyndromeinvolvesaradicalchangein
perspectiveandbehavior.
Tryingtodoithalfwaywillonlyresultinneedlesssuffering.
Second,breakingfreefromtheNiceGuysyndromewillsignificantlyeffect
yourpersonalrelationships.
Ifyouarecurrentlyinarelationship,Iencourageyoutoaskyourpartnerto
readthisbookalongwithyou.TheprogramofrecoverypresentedinNoMore
Mr. Nice Guy! will significantly affect not only you, but also those closest to
you. Though your partner may be supportive of you making positive changes,
theymayalsoinitiallyfrightenhimorher.Readingthisbooktogethercanhelp
facilitatethistransition.
Withthesewarningsaside,ifwhatyouhavereadsofarmakessense,keep
reading.Thefollowingchapterscontaininformationthatcanhelpyoubreakfree
fromtheNiceGuySyndromeandstartgettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
BreakingFreeActivity#2
Whywoulditseemrationalforapersontotrytoeliminateorhidecertain
thingsabouthimselfandtrytobecomesomethingdifferentunlesstherewas
a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to
changewhotheyreallyare?
Chapter2
TheMakingOfANiceGuy
Iconcludedthepreviouschapterwiththequestion,«Whywoulditseemrational
for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to
becomesomethingdifferentunlesstherewasasignificantcompellingreasonfor
himtodoso?Whydopeopletrytochangewhotheyreallyare?»
AfterspendingyearsexaminingtheNiceGuySyndromefromeverypossible
angle, there is only one answer to this question that makes sense: Because it
does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is.
BecomingaNiceGuyisawayofcopingwithsituationswhereitdoesnotfeel
safeoracceptableforaboyormantobejustwhoheis.Further,theonlything
that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one’s self by trying to become
something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or
dangerousthing.
Thepremiseofthisbookisthatduringtheirformativeyears,allNiceGuys
receivedmessagesfromtheirfamiliesandtheworldaroundthemthatitwasnot
safe,acceptable,ordesirableforthemtobewhotheywere,justastheywere.
SohowdidNiceGuysreceivethesemessagesandwhydidtheyrespondto
theminthewaythattheydid?Thefollowingisashortcourseonhowfamilies
andsocietyturnperfectlittleboysintomenwhobelievetheyhavetobe«good»
inordertobeloved.
CopingWithAbandonment
Themostimpressionabletimeinanindividual’slifeisfrombirthtoaboutfive
years. In these first few years a child’s personality is most significantly
influencedbyhissurroundings.Itisduringthistimethathisparadigmsbeginto
be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a
child’s parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our
examinationoftheoriginsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.
There are two important facts we must understand about children. First,
whenchildrencomeintotheworldtheyaretotallyhelpless.Theyaredependent
onotherstorecognizeandrespondtotheirneedsinatimely,judiciousmanner.
Asaresultofthisdependency,everychild’sgreatestfearisabandonment.
Tochildren,abandonmentmeansdeath.
Second,childrenareego-centered.Thismeansthattheyinherentlybelieve
they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them.
Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to
them.
Thesetwofactors—theirfearofabandonmentandtheirego-centeredness—
createaverypowerfuldynamicforallchildren.Wheneverachildexperiences
anykindofabandonmenthewillalwaysbelievethatheisthecauseofwhat
hashappenedtohim.Theseabandonmentexperiencesmightincludeanyofthe
followingexperiences:
Heishungryandnoonefeedshim.
Hecriesandnooneholdshim.
Heislonelyandnoonepaysattentiontohim.
Aparentgetsangryathim.
Aparentneglectshim.
Aparentputsunrealisticexpectationsonhim.
Aparentuseshimtogratifyhisorherownneeds.
Aparentshameshim.
Aparenthitshim.
Aparentdoesn’twanthim.
Aparentleaveshimanddoesn’tcomebackinatimelymanner.
Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect
family, every child has abandonment experiences. Even though their belief
that they are the cause of these painful events is, in fact, an inaccurate
interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the
world.
ToxicShame
These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of
them,createsabeliefinsomeyoungchildrenthatitisnotacceptableforthemto
bewhotheyare, just as they are. They conclude thatthere mustbesomething
wrongwith them, which causesthe important people intheir lives to abandon
them.Theyhavenowayofcomprehendingthattheirabandonmentexperiences
arenotcausedbysomethingaboutthem,butbythepeoplewhoaresupposedto
recognizeandmeettheirneeds.
This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences
createsapsychologicalstatecalledtoxicshame.Toxicshameisthebeliefthat
oneisinherentlybad,defective,different,orunlovable.Toxicshameisnotjusta
beliefthatonedoesbadthings,itisadeeplyheldcorebeliefthatoneisbad.
SurvivalMechanisms
As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of
these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three
veryimportantthings:
1. Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being
abandoned.
2. Trytopreventsimilareventsfromhappeningagain.
3. Trytohidetheirinternalizedtoxicshame(orperceivedbadness)from
themselvesandothers.
Childrenfind a multitude of creativewaystotrytoaccomplishthesethree
goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival
mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For
instance,achild who is feeling lonely may misbehaveinawaythatissureto
attract his parent’s attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem
illogicalforachildtodosomethingthatinvitespainfulornegativeattention,the
consequencesofthebehaviormaynotfeelasbadasfeelinglonelyorisolated.
Tryingtobe«good»—tryingtobecomewhathebelievesotherswanthimto
be—isjustoneofmanypossiblescriptsthatalittleboymightformastheresult
ofchildhoodabandonmentexperiencesandtheinternalizationoftoxicshame.
TheOriginOfTheNiceGuyParadigm
WhenIfirstbeganexploringmyownNiceGuyattitudesandbehaviorsIhadno
idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good
familyandhadlivedaprettygoodlife.WhenIbeganobservingothermenwith
traitssimilartomyown,Iencounteredthesamegenerallackofinsightintothe
originsoftheirownemotionalandbehavioralpatterns.
Whenquestioned about theirchildhood,Nice Guys frequentlytell me they
grewupin«perfect,»«great,»
«LeaveItToBeaver,»or«All-American»families.Nevertheless,thesemen
learnedtohidetheirflawsandtriedtobecomewhattheybelievedotherswanted
them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their
circumstanceswerelessthanideal.
Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different
childhoodexperiences.TheyarealluniqueinthewaythattheirNiceGuyscripts
are played out in their adult lives. In spite of these differences, they all
developedacorebeliefinchildhoodthattheywerenotOKjustastheywere.As
a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that
involvedseekingapprovalandhidingperceivedflaws.Allofthesemenbelieved
thattheselifestrategieswerenecessaryiftheyweretohaveanyhopeofbeing
loved,gettingtheirneedsmet,andhavingaproblem-freelife.
Alan
Theoldestofthreechildreninasingleparentfamily,Alanpridedhimselfon
havingnevercausedhismotheramoment’spain.Asachild,heperformedwell
insportsandschool.Hebelievedthatthesethingssethimapartfromhissiblings
and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a
collegedegree,anotherfactorhebelievedmadehimspecial.
Alan’s father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was
seven.Atanearlyage,Alanmadeadecisiontobe180degreesdifferentfrom
his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-
keeled.Alanworkedhardtoneverbeangryordemeaninglikehisfather.Hewas
an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did
drugsasateenager.
Alan’s mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that
preachedhell-fireandbrimstone.Hecametobelievethathewasa«sinner»for
having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though he always worked
hardtobeagoodChristian,helivedwithaconstantfearthathemightmakea
mistakeandsuffereverlastingpunishment.
Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her
children.Shewouldlistenandwasn’tcritical.Frequently,sheandAlanwould
commiseratewitheachotheraboutallthe«bad»thingshisdaddid.
Onmorethan one occasion, Alan’s mothertoldhimthatshewastryingto
raisehersonstobedifferentfromtheirfather.Shewantedthemtogrowuptobe
giving,peaceful,andrespectfulofwomen.Asanadult,Alanstillstaysinclose
touchwithhismotheranddoeswhateverhecantohelpmakeherlifeeasier.
Jason
Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a «Leave It To
Beaver»family.Inreality,bothofJason’sparentslivedthroughtheirchildren.
Thoughhesawhischildhoodas«ideal»,inactuality,hisparentsusedhimand
hissiblingstomeettheirownneeds.
Jasonbelievedhisparentswere«perfect.»Hedescribedthemasbeingstrict
andoverprotective.Heacknowledgedthathewasshelteredandsexually naive
andadmittedthathemighthavebeensmotheredbyhisparents.
Jason’sfathercloselydirectedthefamily.Jasonreportedthathisfatherstill
triedtocontrolJason’slife.
Jasonsharedachiropracticpracticewithhisfatherwhoranthebusinessand
told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he
shouldattend.
Jason described his mother as a «wonderful, loving woman.» He reported
that she was always involved with the kids. With no friends of her own, she
turnedtoherchildrenforcompanionshipandaffirmationofherworth.
Jasoncouldn’trememberhisparentsshowingmuchaffectiontoeachother.
Hecouldn’tpicturethemhavingsex,andwonderedhowtheymadethreekids.
Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn’t remember
themevergoingoutortakingavacationjustbythemselves.
Asanadult,Jasontriedtoliveuptotheimageofperfectionportrayedbyhis
parents.Everythinghe did was calculatedtolookgood:helookedlikeagood
husband,agoodfather,agoodChristian,andagoodprofessional.Inspiteofall
hisefforts,healwaysfeltinadequateanddefectivecomparedtohisparents.
Jose
A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships.
Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was
physicallyactiveandhisideaofrecreationwastakingahundred-milebikeride
orclimbingamountain.Herepressedhisangerandtriedtoneversayanything
thatwouldupsetanyone.Hesawhimselfascontrollingandacknowledgedthat
hisdrugofchoicewas«recognition.»
Jose was attracted to dependent women. He found it interesting that he
seemedtobeattractedtoincestsurvivors.Hestayedinhispresentrelationship
becausehewasconcernedaboutthefinancialwelfareofhisgirlfriend.Hewas
afraidshewouldn’tmakeitifheleft.
Joseopenlyacknowledgedthathecamefromadysfunctionalfamily.Hewas
thesecondofsevenchildreninalowerclassfamily.Ataroundtheageof14,he
tookontheroleofparentinghisyoungersiblings.Josereportedthattherewas
tremendouschaosinhisfamilyandhesawhisjobasprotectinghisbrothersand
sistersfromitseffects.
Josesawhisfatherasangry,controlling,andabusive.Hewasexplosiveand
demeaningtotheboysandsexuallyabusivetothegirls.
Jose’smotherwasmanic-depressive.Shehadextrememoodswingsandhad
a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house
wouldbespotless,shewouldtalkofentertainingpoliticiansandsocialites,and
shewouldbegindestructivesexualrelationships.Whenshewasdepressed,she
keptthewindowscovered,thehousebecameawreck,andshewouldthreatento
killherself.Whenhewas15,Josehadtobreakthroughalockeddoorandtakea
loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all
sevenkidsstoodbyterrified.Josesawthisasatypicalscenariogrowingupin
hishome.
Joseworkedhardallofhislifeto be different from his family. His family
hadhimonapedestalandhewastheonetowhomeveryoneturnedwhenever
theyhadaproblem.Hisjobasafamilymemberwasfixingchaos.Hisjobasa
businessconsultantwasfixingchaos.Hisroleinrelationshipswasfixingchaos.
Jose’slifescriptrequiredchaos,becausewithoutit,hewouldbeoutofajob.
Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve
problemshis«savinggrace.»Itwasthesefactors,hebelieved,thatallowedhim
toescapehisfamilydysfunctionandmakesomethingofhimself.Withoutthem,
hewasconvinced,hewouldhaveendedupjustlikehisparentsandtherestof
siblings.
ChildDevelopment101
Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all
developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways,
internalizedabeliefthattheywerenotOKjustastheywereandtheirsurvival
dependedonbecomingsomethingdifferent.Tohelpusconnectthedotsandsee
howthreeverydifferentchildhoodexperiencescouldcreatethreemenwithvery
similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child
developmentprinciplespresentedearlierinthischapter.
1. Allchildrenareborntotallyhelpless.
2. Achild’sgreatestfearisabandonment.
3. Allchildrenareego-centered.
4. Allchildrenhavenumerousabandonmentexperiences—theirneedsarenot
metinatimely,judiciousmanner.
5. Whenachildhasanabandonmentexperience,healwaysbelievesthatheis
thecause.
6. Thisnaivemisinterpretationcreatestoxicshame—abeliefthatheis«bad».
7. Children develop survival mechanisms to try to cope with their
abandonment experiences, try to prevent the experiences from happening
again,andtrytohidetheir«badness»fromthemselvesandothers.
8. These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child’s inherent
powerlessnessandnaiveviewofhimselfandtheworld.
FromPerfectLittleBoysToNiceGuys
TheprinciplesabovecanbeappliedtothechildhoodexperiencesofAlan,Jason,
Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book. The progression from
perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: Abandonment,
internalizationoftoxicshame,andthecreationofsurvivalmechanisms.
Abandonment
LikeallNiceGuys,Alan,Jason,andJosewereabandonedinvariousways:
AlanandJosehadanangryorcriticalparentwhocommunicatedthattheywere
notOKjustastheywere.
Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father
lashedoutatAlan.Thisimpliedthathewasn’tworthprotecting.
Alancametobelievethathehadtobedifferentfromhisfathertobeseenas
agoodmanandbelovedbyhismother.
AlanandJasonwereusedandobjectifiedbytheirparents.Theywerevalued
foralwaysdoingit«right»andneverbeingaproblem.Thiscommunicatedthat
theywereonlylovablewhentheyliveduptotheirparent’sexpectations.
Since Jason believed his parents were «perfect» he always felt flawed and
inadequatecomparedtothem.
NeitherofJose’sparentsprovidedanyguidance,nurturing,orsupport.This
communicatedthathewasoflittleornovaluetothem.
AlanandJasongrewupinfundamentalistchurchesthatreinforcedaneedto
beperfectandsinless.
Failuretodosomeanteverlastingpunishment.
Josebelievedhewasvaluableonlyifhewasdifferentfromhiscrazyfamily.
Allthree—Alan,Jason,andJose—believedthatsomeoneelse’sneedswere
moreimportantthantheirown—acommonoccurrenceinNiceGuyfamilies.
All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they
communicatedtotheselittleboysthattheywerenotOKjustastheywere.
Shame
Regardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed,
used,smothered,controlled,orobjectified,allNiceGuysinternalizedthesame
belief—itwasabadordangerousthingforthemtobejustwhotheywere.
Someofthesemessageswerecommunicatedovertlybyparentswhohadno
concernfor thechild’swelfare.Some werecommunicatedindirectlybycaring
parentswhothemselvesweretooyoung,overwhelmed,ordistractedtoprovidea
nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were
communicatedbycircumstancesthatwerebeyondanyone’scontrol.
In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were
telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that
caused these things to happen. Using child-like logic he concluded, «There
must be something wrong with me because ____________.» Fill in the
blank:
WhenIcry,noonecomes.
Momgetsthatlookonherface.
Dadleftanddidn’tcomeback.
Momhastodoeverythingforme.
Dadyellsatme.
I’mnotperfectlikeMomandDad.
Ican’tmakeMomhappy.
These childhood experiences also caused the young boy to believe, «I’m
onlygoodenoughandlovablewhen____________.»Fillintheblank:
I’mdifferentfromDad.
Momneedsme.
Idon’tmakeanymistakes.
Imakegoodgrades.
I’mhappy.
I’mnotlikemybrother.
Idon’tcauseanyoneanyproblems.
ImakeMomandDadhappy.
SurvivalMechanisms
As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate
interpretationoftheseevents,allNiceGuysdevelopedsurvivalmechanismsto
helpthemdothreeveryimportantthings:
1. Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment
experiences.
2. Trytopreventtheseabandonmentexperiencesfromoccurringagain.
3. Trytohidetheirtoxicshamefromthemselvesandothers.
For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following
lifeparadigm:
IFIcanhidemyflawsandbecomewhatIthinkotherswantmetobe
THENIwillbeloved,getmyneedsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Itisthisparadigm,formedinchildhood,thatguidesandcontrolseverything
Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty
interpretationsofchildhoodevents,itistheonlyroadmapthesemenhave.Nice
Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should
arrive at their desired location —a smooth, happy life. Even though this life
script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying
harder,doingmoreofthesame,hopingfordifferentresults.
TwoKindsOfNiceGuys
The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their
abandonmentexperiencesandinternalizedtoxicshameareusuallymanifestedin
oneoftwoways.Inoneform,aNiceGuyexaggerateshisbeliefabouthis«not
OK-ness»andbelievesheistheworstkindofperson.Icallthismanthe«I’mso
bad»NiceGuy.
The«I’msobad»NiceGuyisconvincedeveryonecanseehowbadheis.He
can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and
adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking
windowsandgettingwhippingsasalittleboy.Hewillrevealrunningafoulof
thelawandmakinghismothercrywhenhewasateenager.Hewilltelltalesof
smoking,drinking,usingdrugsandcarousingasanadult.Heisconvincedhis
onlyhopeforhavinganykindofhappinessinlifeliesintryinghisbesttomask
hisinherentbadness.HeneverreallybelievesanyonewillbuyintohisNiceGuy
persona,butdoesn’tthinkhehasanyotherchoice.
The second kind of Nice Guy is the «I’m so good» Nice Guy. This man
handleshistoxicshamebyrepressinghiscorebeliefabouthisworthlessness.He
believesheisoneofthenicestguysyouwillevermeet.Ifheisconsciousofany
perceivedflaws,theyareseenasminorandeasilycorrectable.Asachildhewas
nevera moment’sproblem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he
followsalltherulestoa«t».ThisNiceGuyhastuckedhiscorebeliefabouthis
«not OK-ness» into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious
mind.Hemasks his toxic shame with a beliefthatallthegoodthingshedoes
makehimagoodperson.
Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious
awarenessoftheir toxic shame, both operatefromthesame life paradigm. All
NiceGuysbelievetheyarenotOKjustastheyare,andthereforemusthidetheir
flawsandbecomewhattheybelieveotherpeoplewantthemtobe.
ImakethedistinctionbetweenthetwokindsofNiceGuystohelpbothsee
theirdistortions.Neitherisasbadorgoodastheybelievethemselvestobe.They
are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the
inaccurateperceptionsoftheeventsoftheirchildhood.
BreakingFreeActivity#3
Itisimpossibletocovereveryfactorthatmightcauseayoungboytotryto
hidehisperceivedflawsandseekapprovalfromothers.Idon’tbelieveitis
essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them
feelunsafeorbad.ButIhavefoundthatsomeunderstandingofwherealife
scriptoriginatedishelpfulinchangingthatscript.
Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these
storiesaresimilartoyourownchildhoodexperiences.Onaseparatepiece
ofpaperorjournal,writedownorillustratethemessagesyoureceivedin
yourfamilythatseemedtoimplythatitwasn’tOKforyoutobewhoyou
were,justasyouwere.Sharetheseexperienceswithasafeperson.Asyou
do,makenoteofyourfeelings.Doyoufeelsad,angry,lonely,numb?Share
thisinformationaswell.
Thepurposeofthisassignmentistoname,ratherthanblame.Blaming
willkeepyoustuck.
Namingthechildhoodexperiencesthatledyoutobelievethatitwasnot
a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you
replacethesemessageswithmoreaccurateonesandhelpyouchangeyour
NiceGuyscript.
TheBabyBoomGenerationAndTheSensitiveGuy
Everychildwhohaseverlivedhasexperiencedvariousformsofabandonment.
There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these
events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible
reactions.Thechildhoodexperiencesdescribedaboveareprobablynotsufficient
in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I
encounterregularly.
IhavenodoubtthatNiceGuyshavealwaysexisted.Therehavealwaysbeen
MarvinMilquetoastandWalterMittykindsofguysoutthere.I’msuretherehas
neverbeenashortageofmama’sboysandhenpeckedhusbands.Ibelievemany
little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be
peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am
convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five
decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented
numbers.
TotrulyunderstandthecurrentphenomenaoftheNiceGuySyndrome,we
havetotakeintoaccountaseriesofsignificantsocialchangesthatbeganaround
the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II. These social
dynamicsincluded:
Thetransitionfromanagrariantoanindustrialeconomy.
Themovementoffamiliesfromruralareastourbanareas.
Theabsenceoffathersfromthehome.
Theincreaseindivorce,singleparenthomes,andhomesheadedbywomen.
Aneducationalsystemdominatedbywomen.
Women’sliberationandfeminism.
TheVietnamWar.
Thesexualrevolution.
TheseeventscombinedtohaveamajorimpactonAmericanboysgrowing
up in this era. These social changes created three profound dynamics that
contributed to the wide spread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the
babyboomgeneration.
1) Boys were separated from their fathers and other significant male
role models. As a result, men became disconnected from other men in
generalandconfusedastowhatitmeanttobemale.
2) Boys wereleft to be raised by women. The job of turning boys into
men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a
result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became
dependentontheapprovalofwomen.
3)Radicalfeminismimpliedthatmenwerebadand/orunnecessary.The
messagesofradicalfeminismfurtheredthebeliefofmanymenthatifthey
wantedtobelovedandgettheirneedsmet,theyhadtobecomewhatthey
believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to
hideanytraitsthatmightcausethemtobelabeledas«bad»men.
20thCenturyHistory101
Thefollowingisabriefoverviewofhowsomeofthedynamicsocialchangesof
thelasthalfofthe20thcenturyhelpedcreatethebumpercropofNiceGuysin
ourculture.
TheLossOfFathers
Theshifttoamanufacturingsocietyandanurbanmigrationinthepost-war
yearstookfathersawayfromtheirsonsindroves.AccordingtotheUScensus,
in1910one-thirdofallfamilieslivedonfarms.
By1940,thisnumberhadshrunktooneinfive.By1970,96percentofall
familieslivedinurbanareas.
In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working
alongsidetheminthefields.Thisoftenmeantcontactwithextendedfamilythat
includedgrandfathers,uncles,andcousins.Thisdailycontactwithmenprovided
boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by
watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their
fathers.AsfamiliesmigratedfromruralareastocitiesandsuburbsafterWorld
WarII,thecontactbetweenfathersandsonsdiminishedsignificantly.Dadsleft
homeinthemorningandwenttowork.Mostsonsnevergottoseewhattheir
fathersdid,letalonehavemuchtimetospendwiththem.
Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men’s addictions to work, TV,
alcohol,andsextookthemawayfromtheirsons.Increasesindivorcebeganto
separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of
divorceamongmen tripled from 1940to 1970. In1940, just over fivemillion
householdswere headed by women. By 1970,thisfigurehadalmosttripledto
over13millionhouseholds.
Ingeneral,theNiceGuysIhaveworkedwithdonotreporthavinghada
close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood. Sometimes this
was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being
passive.Moreoftenthannot,NiceGuysdescribetheirfathersinnegativeterms.
Theyoftenseethemascontrolling,rageful,angry,absent,abusive,unavailable,
addictive, or philandering. It is not unusual at some point in childhood for
Nice Guys to have made a conscious decision to be different from their
fathers.
Theunavailabilityofdadsduringthiseraoftenrequiredmotherstotakeover
thejobofthefathers.
Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately
eventhemostwell-meaningmothersarenotequippedtoteachtheirsonshowto
bemenbythemselves.Thishasn’tkeptthemfromtrying.
IbelievethesignificantnumberofNiceGuysproducedinthe40s,'50s,
and60sisthedirectresultofmothers,notfathers,teachingtheirsonshow
to be male. Consequently, many Nice Guys have adopted a female
perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood
definedbywomen.
TheFemaleDominatedEducationalSystem
The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys
beingraisedbywomen.
SinceWorld WarII,boyshaveenteredschoolsdominatedbyfemales. For
most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to
pleasewomen.Fromkindergartenthroughsixthgrade,I
«I’mavictimofherdysfunction.»
Karl,asuccessfulbusinessmaninhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstcounseling
session with the preceding analysis of his relationship with his wife Danita.
Thoughoversix-foot-twoandprofessionallydressedinadarksuitandtie,Karl
looked like a little boy sitting on the sofa in my office. Karl’s frustration and
helplessnessregardinghismostintimaterelationshipwasunmistakable.
AsKarlcontinuedtotalkabouthismarriage,itbecameapparentthathewas
intimidatedbyhiswifeDanita.Heclaimedshewas«angryallthetime.»When
talkingaboutherheusedadjectiveslike«relentless»and«steamroller.»Because
ofhisfearofheranger,heliedtoherandavoidedinteractingwithher.
«Inmanyways,»Karlrevealed,«Danitaisjustlikemymother.Therewas
justnopleasingMom.Ilearnedtojustavoidherandtuneheroutwhenshewas
bitching.Igotreallygood at lying and hidingwhatIdidn’t want her to know
about.IguessI’mstillprettygoodatthattoday.»
AsKarlbroughtthediscussionbacktothepresent,herevealed,«Everyother
areaofmylifeisgreat.Ifitwasn’tforDanita,mylifewouldbeperfect.Ijust
don’tthinksheknowshowtobehappy.»
IntimateStrangers
Ingeneral,Nice Guys end up in my office for one of tworeasons.Sometimes
some hidden behavior —an affair, surfing for pornography on the Internet,
smokingpot—hasblownupintheirfaceandcreatedacrisiswiththeirwifeor
girlfriend.Moreoften,theircalltoatherapistismotivatedbysomeproblemor
dissatisfactionintheirmostintimaterelationship;theirwifeorgirlfrienddoesn’t
want to have sex as often as they do, she is depressed, angry, unavailable, or
unfaithful(oralloftheabove).
Thesemenusuallybelievethereisasimpleanswertotheirproblem.Some
ofthemaresureeverythingwillbeOKiftheycanjuststopdoingthatonething
that keeps making their wife or girlfriend so angry. The rest of them are
convincedthatiftheycangettheirwifeorgirlfriendtochange,thenlifewillbe
great.
Intimaterelationshipsareoftenanareaofgreatfrustrationandbewilderment
forNiceGuys.MostNiceGuysprofessagreatdesireforintimacyandhappiness
with their significant other. Nevertheless, intimacy represents an enigmatic
riddleforthemajorityofthesemen.
RobertBly,theauthorofIronJohn,writesabouthowthesocialchangesof
theBabyBoomeracreatedanewbreedofAmericanmen.Blycallsthesemen
«softmales.»
He writes, «they’re lovely, valuable people —I like them— they’re not
interestedinharmingtheearthorstartingwars.There’sagentleattitudetoward
life in their whole being and style of living. But many of these men are not
happy.Youquicklynoticethelackofenergyinthem.Theyarelife-preserving
but not exactly life-giving. Ironically, you often see these men with strong
womenwhopositivelyradiateenergy.Herewehaveafinely-tunedyoungman,
ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the
universe,yethehimselfhaslittlevitalitytooffer.»
From a different perspective, Camille Paglia comments on how the social
changesofthe last five decades havechangedrolesof men and women.«The
hard-drivingwoman has to switchpersonae when she gets home. She’s got to
throttle back, or she’ll castrate everything in the domestic niche. Many white,
middle-class women have dodged this dilemma by finding themselves a nice,
malleable boy-man who becomes another son in the subliminally matriarchal
household.»(«PoliticallyIncorrectDesires,»Salon:Issue49)
Regardlessof whether we call these men «softmales,» «sensitive new age
guys,» or «Nice Guys,» the unique combination of social events in the post-
WorldWarII era reinforced and magnified themessagesthatmanylittleboys
had already received from their families —that they weren’t OK just as they
were.
These social events further amplified the belief that if they wanted to be
loved,gettheirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife,theyhadtohidetheirflaws
andbecomewhatothers(especiallywomen)wantedthemtobe.
My observation in recent years points to the reality that the conditioning
describedabovedidnotendwiththeBaby-Boomgeneration.Iamseeingmore
andmoreyoungmenintheirtwenties,andeventeens,whodemonstrateallof
thecharacteristicsoftheNiceGuySyndrome.Notonlyhavetheseyoungmen
beeneffectedbyallofthesocialdynamicslistedabove,evenmoregrewupin
single parent families or were raised by Nice Guy fathers. As I write this, I
expectthatwearejustbeginningonourthirdgenerationofNiceGuys.
TheHabitsOfHighlyIneffectiveMen
As a result of the family and social conditioning described above, Nice Guys
struggle to get what they want in love and life. Due to their shame and
ineffectivesurvivalmechanisms,theroadmaptheyfollowjustwon’ttakethem
where they want to go. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something
different,theirlifeparadigmrequiresthattheykeeptryingharder,doingmoreof
thesame.
IfrequentlytellNiceGuys,«Ifyoukeepdoingwhatyou’vealwaysdone,
you’llkeepgettingwhatyou’vealwayshad».ToreiteratewhatI’veillustrated
before,NiceGuyspreventthemselvesfromgettingwhattheywantinloveand
lifeby:
Seekingtheapprovalofothers.
Tryingtohidetheirperceivedflawsandmistakes.
Puttingotherpeople’sneedsandwantsbeforetheirown.
Sacrificingtheirpersonalpowerandplayingtheroleofavictim.
Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine
energy.
Co-creatingrelationshipsthatarelessthansatisfying.
Creatingsituationsinwhichtheydonothaveverymuchgoodsex.
Failingtoliveuptheirfullpotential.
ThenextsevenchapterspresentaprovenplantoshowrecoveringNiceGuys
themosteffectivewaystodosomethingdifferent.Readon.Itistimeforyouto
startgettingwhatyouwantinloveandlife.
Chapter3
LearnToPleaseTheOnlyPersonWhoReallyMatters
«I’m a chameleon,» revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. «I will
becomewhateverIbelieveapersonwantsmetobeinordertobeliked.With
mysmartfriendsIactintelligentanduseabigvocabulary.Aroundmymother,I
look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at
workIcussandswear…whateverittakestolookcool.Underneathitall,I’m
notsurewhoIreallyamorifanyofthemwouldlikemejustforwhoIam.IfI
can’tfigureoutwhatpeoplewantmetobe,I’mafraidIwillbeallalone.The
funnythingis,Ifeelalonemostofthetimeanyway.»
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously
calculatedtogainsomeone’sapprovalortoavoiddisapproval.NiceGuysseek
thisexternalvalidationinjustabouteveryrelationshipandsocialsituation,even
fromstrangersandpeopletheydon’tlike.Toddisanexampleofaman,who,
becauseofinternalizedtoxicshame,believeshehas tobecomewhathethinks
other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like
metamorphismisessentialiftheyhopetobeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhave
aproblem-freelife.
The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys
frequentlydotheoppositeofwhatworks.Bytryingtopleaseeveryone,Nice
Guysoftenenduppleasingnoone—includingthemselves.
SeekingApproval
Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a
multitudeofwaystoconvincethemselvesandothersthattheyarelovableand
desirable.Theymayfocusonsomethingaboutthemselves(physicalappearance,
talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even
somethingexternaltothemselves(attractivewife,cutechild,nicecar)inorderto
getvalueandwinother’sapproval.
My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments. Nice Guys
attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince
themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice
Guysdon’tknow what else about themselveswouldmakeanyonelikeorlove
them.
BeingaNiceGuyistheultimateattachmentforthesemen.Theygenuinely
believetheir commitment to being «good» and doing it«right» is what makes
themvaluableandcompensatesfortheirinternalizedbeliefthattheyarebad.
Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that
peoplemightlikethemandlovethemjustforwhotheyare.Theybelievethey
arebad(the«I’mSoGood»NiceGuyisunconsciousofthiscorebelief,butitis
a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to
know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach
themselves to things that make them feel valuable and garner approval from
othersseemsessentialiftheyhopetobeloved,gettheirneedsmet,andhavea
problem-freelife.
BreakingFreeActivity#4
I’ve taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the
members about the attachments they use to try to get external approval.
Thefollowingarejustafewoftheresponses.
Lookoverthelist.Noteanyofthewaysinwhichyouseekapproval.Addto
thelistanybehaviorsthatareuniquelyyou.Writedownexamplesofeach.Ask
othersforfeedbackaboutthewaysinwhichtheyseeyouseekingapproval.
Havingone’shairjustright.
Beingsmart.
Havingapleasant,non-threateningvoice.
Lookingunselfish.
Beingdifferentfromothermen.
Stayingsober.
Beingingoodshape.
Beingagreatdancer.
Beingagoodlover.
Nevergettingangry.
Makingotherpeoplehappy.
Beingagoodworker.
Havingacleancar.
Dressingwell.
Beingnice.
Respectingwomen.
Neveroffendinganyone.
Lookinglikeagoodfather.
HowNiceGuysUseAttachments
CalisatypicalNiceGuyinthewayheusesattachmentstoseekapproval.Cal
triestogetexternalvalidationbyalwaysbeinginagoodmood,drivinganice
car,dressingwell,havinga cutedaughter,and havinganattractivewife.Let’s
pick one of these attachments to illustrate how Cal tries to get approval from
others.
Callikestodress his fourteen-month-old daughter inacutedress and take
her to the park. From the moment he begins to dress her he is unconsciously
attachinghisvalueandidentitytotheacknowledgmenthethinkshewillreceive
from being a «good dad.» He knows that when he takes his daughter walking
peoplewilllookatherandsmile.Somewillcommentaboutthecutelittlegirl
andher fatheroutforawalk.A fewwillstopandask herageandotherswill
gushaboutwhatapreciouslittleangelsheis.ThisattentionmakesCalfeelgood
abouthimself.
The irony isthat noone reallyvalues Cal for his attachments. Further, his
dependencyonexternalvalidationactuallypreventspeoplefromgettingtoknow
himjustasheis.Noneofthesethingshaveanythingtodowithwhoheisasa
person.Nevertheless,theyarethethingshebelievesgivehimidentityandvalue.
SeekingTheApprovalOfWomen
NiceGuysseekexternalvalidationinjustabouteverysocialsituation,buttheir
quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women.
Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their
worth.Signsofawoman’sapprovalcantaketheformofherdesiretohavesex,
flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the
spectrum,ifawomanisdepressed,inabadmood,orangry,NiceGuysinterpret
thesethingstomeanthatsheisnotacceptingorapprovingofthem.
There are numerous negative consequences in seeking the approval of
women.
Seekingwomen’sapprovalrequiresNiceGuystoconstantlymonitorthe
possibilityofawoman’savailability.ThepossibilityofavailabilityisatermI
usetodescribe the subjective measure ofawoman’s sexual availability. Since
NiceGuysseesexastheultimateformofacceptance,andtheybelieveawoman
must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly
diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In
addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they
believe they must do something quickly —lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self,
manipulate—tofixit.
Thepossibilityofavailabilityextendsbeyondjustsex.SinceNiceGuyshave
beenconditionedby their familiesandsociety to neverdo anything to upseta
woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of
womentheydon’tevenplanonhavingsexwith.
Seekingwomen’sapprovalgiveswomenthepowertosetthetoneofthe
relationship.NiceGuysconstantlyreportthattheirownmoodsareoftentiedto
the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is
angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This
connectionrunssodeepthatmanyNiceGuyshavetoldmethattheyfeelguilty
iftheyareinagoodmoodwhentheirpartnerisnot.
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to define men and
determinetheirworth.Ifawomansaysheis«wrong»orthinksheisa«jerk,»
aNiceGuywillbeinclinedtobelievesheisright.
EveniftheNiceGuyargueswiththewoman’sevaluation,atsomelevelhe
knowsthatsincesheisthewoman,shemustberight.(OneNiceGuyaskedme,
«Ifamanistalkingintheforestandnowomanistheretohearhim,ishestill
wrong?»)
Seeking women’s approval creates rage toward women. Though most
Nice Guys claim to «love» women, the truth is, most of these men have
tremendousragetowardwomen.Thisisbecausewetendtoeventuallydespise
whateverwemakeintoourgod.Whenourgodfailstorespondinthewayswe
expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly
intensifyouractsofworshiporlashoutinrighteousanger.WhenNiceGuysput
awomanorwomenonapedestalandattempttowintheirapproval,sooneror
later,thisadorationwillturntoragewhentheseobjectsofworshipfailtoliveup
totheNiceGuys'expectations.ThisiswhyitisnotunusualtohearaNiceGuy
proclaimhisundyinglovetoawomaninonebreathandthenragefullycallhera
«f…c…»onlymomentslater.
BreakingFreeActivity#5
Ifyoudidnotcarewhatpeoplethoughtofyou,howwouldyouliveyourlife
differently?
If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how
wouldyourrelationshipswiththeoppositesexbedifferent?
Cover-UpArtists
WhenmysonStevewasnineyearsold,heaccidentallypokedsomeholesinour
kitchen table with a ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he
immediatelyshowedhismotherthedamage.
Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his
actions had caused damage to the table. He also knew that he had to take
responsibility.Mostimportantly,heknewhewasn’tbad.
IfIhaddonethesamethingasachild(orevenasanadult),Iwouldhave
hadanattackoftoxicshameandtriedmybesttohideordenywhatIhaddone.I
would have been convinced someone was going to be angry at me and stop
lovingme.Iwouldhavelivedwiththesecretaswellasaconstantfearofbeing
foundout.
Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son’s
situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would
havedonetheoppositeofwhatStevedid—triedtocoveritup.
As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win
approvaloravoiddisapproval.
SinceNiceGuysdonotbelieve theyareOKjustastheyare,theysee any
mistakeorperceivedflawasproofthattheyarebadandunlovable.Theybelieve
that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or
abandoned.Asaresult,NiceGuysareconsummatecover-upartists.
Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived
shortcoming…
Iftheyforgetsomething.
Iftheyarelate.
Iftheybreaksomething.
Iftheydon’tunderstandsomething.
Iftheydosomethingwrong.
Iftheyaredepressed.
Iftheyareinpain.
Iftheygenerallymessup.
TheNiceGuy’sneedtohideisoftenthemostpronouncedinareasthatare
justpartofbeinghumanandalive.
Thattheyaresexual.
Thattheyhavebodilyfunctions.
Thattheyaregettingolder.
Thattheyarelosingtheirhair.
Thattheyhaveneeds.
Thattheyareimperfect.
BreakingFreeActivity#6
Lookoverthelistsabove.Writedownexamplesofsituationsinwhichyou
have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws.
Howeffectivedoyouthinkyouareinkeepingthesethingshiddenfromthe
peopleyoulove?
HidingTheEvidence
Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and
mistakes.Theseinclude:Lying
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy.
Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies,
partialtruths,andomitinformationiftheybelieveitwillpreventsomeonefrom
focusingontheminanegativeway.
DrawingOnTheirAccount
SinceNiceGuysstrivesohardtobegood,giving,andcaring,theybelievethese
actsshouldbuildupacreditthatwipescleananywrongtheymightdo.Partof
the Nice Guy’s belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever
noticethefewthings(ifany)hedoeswrong.
Fixing
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a
mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the
damage.Conversely,NiceGuystrytofixsituationsbydoingwhateverittakes
togettheotherpersontostopbeingupset.
DEERResponse
DEERisanacronymIusefor:DefendExplainExcuseRationalize.Theseare
allfear-basedbehaviorsusedtodistractothersfromfocusingontheNiceGuy’s
mistakes and «badness.» The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER
Responsewhenhehasdonesomethingorfailedtodosomething,andsomeone
(usuallywife,partner,orboss)confrontshimandexpresseshisorherfeelings.
TurningTheTables
If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his
shamewillbetriggered. In an attempttodistracthimselfand the other person
fromhis«badness»hemaytrytoturnthetablesanddosomethingtotriggerthe
otherperson’sshame.Icallthisshamedumping.Thisunconsciousstrategyis
basedonthebeliefthatiftheNiceGuycanshiftthefocustotheotherperson’s
badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques
include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other
person’sflaws.
Walls
Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close.
Understandably,thisaffectstheirabilitytobeintimate,butitalsoprotectsthem
from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include:
Addictions(food,sex,t.v.,alcohol,work,etc.),humor,sarcasm,intellectualism,
perfectionism,andisolation.
TeflonMen
AsmuchasNiceGuystrytolookgoodandgetpeopletolikethem,theabove
defenses keep people at arm’s length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these
unconsciousbehaviorsactuallyaccomplishtheexactoppositeofwhattheNice
Guyreallycraves.Whiledesiringloveandconnection,hisbehaviorsserveasan
invisibleforcefieldthatkeepspeoplefrombeingabletogetclosetohim.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are
notdrawn to perfection in others.People are drawn to sharedinterests, shared
problems,andanindividual’slifeenergy.
Humansconnectwithhumans.Hidingone’shumanityandtryingtoproject
an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and
uninteresting.IoftenrefertoNiceGuysasTeflonMen.
Theyworksohardtobesmooth,nothingcansticktothem.Unfortunately,
thisTefloncoatingalsomakesitdifficultforpeopletogetclose.Itisactuallya
person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to
connectwith.
BreakingFreeActivity#7
Doyoubelievethatpeoplecanseeyourhumanimperfectionsandstilllove
you?
Howwouldyoubedifferentifyouknewthepeoplewhocareaboutyou
wouldneverleaveyouorstoplovingyou—nomatterwhat?
Self-Approval
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms.
Insteadofseekingexternalvalidationandavoidingdisapproval,recoveringNice
Guysmustbeginseekingtheapprovaloftheonlypersonwhoreallymatters—
themselves.
Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they
actuallybegin to experience theintimacy and connectionwith others that they
have always desperately craved. To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice
Guyscan:
Identifyhowtheyseekapproval.
Takegoodcareofthemselves.
Givethemselvespositiveaffirmations.
Spendextendedperiodsoftimealone.
Revealthemselvestosafepeople.
Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To
ApproveOfThemselves
Asoddasitmaysound,NiceGuyshavetopracticebeingthemselves.Oneway
tobeginthisprocessistopayattentionwhentryingtoimpressorgetapproval.
RecoveringNiceGuyscanobservethemselvesspendingextratimeontheirhair,
holdingthedooropenforsomeone,cleaningthekitchen,orwalkingwiththeir
childinthepark—justtogetnoticedorpraised.
Asthey become aware ofhow much time andenergy they spend tryingto
garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means,
ratherthanfocusingoutwardforacceptanceandapproval,theyturninward.In
doingso,theycanbeginaskingthemselvestheimportantquestions:
«What do I want,» «What feels right to me,» «What would make me
happy?»
Earlierinthechapter,IpresentedCalasanillustrationofhowNiceGuysuse
«attachments»—thingsoutsideofthemselvestogetvalue.Duringasessionof
individualtherapy,IaskedCaltomakealistofthingsheusedtogetapproval
fromothers.Thenextweekhebroughtinatwo-pagelist.Iencouragedhimto
pickoneattachmentfromthelistandforthenextmonth,payattentiontohowhe
usedittogetvalue.
Caldecidedtofocusonhiscar.Calkepthiscarperfectlyclean,insideand
out.Hebelievedthiswasoneofthethingsthatimpressedpeopleandmadethem
likehim.Hemadeaconsciousdecisiontonotwashorvacuumhiscarforthe
next month. While doing so, he would pay attention to how he felt and how
peoplerespondedtohim.
SinceCallivesintheSeattlearea,hiscarsoondevelopedagrayhazefrom
rainandroadgrime.Onnumerousoccasions,hehadtofighttheimpulsetowash
it.Whenhedrovedowntheroad,he was sure that people were looking at his
filthycarandjudginghim.Whenhedrovetoworkorafriend’shouse,hewaited
forsomeonetoshamehim.Whenhisdaughterdrewpicturesinthedirtwithher
finger,itwasalmostmorethanhecouldstand.
Atthe endofthemonthCal washedandwaxedhis car andfeltasense of
relief.Surprisinglyenough,duringthemonth,notonepersonhadcommentedon
his dirty car and no one had quit liking him or removed their love from him.
Likewise, washing and waxing his car after a month didn’t make anyone like
himbetterorgarnerhimanynewfriends.
BreakingFreeActivity#8
Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this
chapter.Chooseone of the ways you trytoget external validation and do
oneofthefollowing:
1. Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop
doingit.Tellthepeoplearoundyouwhatyouaredoing.Ifyouslip,tell
asafe person about it.Use the slip as informationabout why, in that
particularmoment,youfelttheneedtogetexternalapproval.
2. Consciouslydomoreofthisbehavior.Thismaynotmakelogicalsense,
butitisapowerfulwaytoexploreanydysfunctionalbehavior.Observe
how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external
validation.
Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of
ThemselvesTakinggoodcareoftheselfisessentialforchangingone’sbelief
abouttheself.If a Nice Guybelievesheisn’t worth much, his actionstoward
himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to
consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be
worthsomething.
When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can’t think of
morethanoneortwogoodthingstodoforthemselves.Together,wewilloften
brainstormandmakealistofpossiblethingstodo.
Thesegoodthingscanrangefromsimpleactslikedrinkinglotsofwateror
flossingtheirteethtomoreextensivethingsliketakingatriporbuyingthecar
theyhavealwayswanted.Belowareafewpossibilities:
Exercise,workout,goforawalk.
Eathealthyfood.
Getenoughsleep.
Relax,play,goofoff.
Getamassage.
Gooutwithbuddies.
Buyanewpairofshoes.
Getshoespolished.
Getdentalworkdone.
Getaphysical.
Listentomusic.
AstherecoveringNiceGuybeginstodogoodthingsforhimself,hewillfeel
uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused.
Thesefeelingsaretheresultofwhatiscalledcognitivedissonance.
WhentheNiceGuydoessomethinggoodforhimselfheisdoingsomething
thatimpliesheisvaluable.
Thiswillconflictwithhisdeeplyheldbeliefthatheisworthless.Asaresult,
hewillexperiencedissonance—aclashingoftwocompetingmessages.Intime,
one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being
goodtothemselves,nomatterhowfrightening.Intimethecoremessagesfrom
childhoodarereplacedwithnew,moreaccuratebeliefsthatreflecttheirinherent
worth.
Todd,introducedinthebeginningofthechapter,spentsomuchtimetrying
to get the approval of others that he rarely did anything for himself. On the
encouragement of other men in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Todd
decidedtoconsciouslybegindoingthingsforhimself.Hebegansmallbybuying
himselfnewsocksandunderwear.
After a few weeks he started an exercise program and began working out
regularly. Even though it made him feel guilty, he started going to a massage
therapist every other week. After six months, Todd decided to spend $2,000
dollarstojoinasinglesactivityclub.Hesharedwiththegroupthateventhough
heoccasionallyheardalittlevoicethatsaidhewasn’tworthit,doingsowasone
of the most affirming things he had ever done. A couple of months later, he
reportedthathehadgoneontwodateswithtwodifferentwomen,bothofwhom
seemedtolikehimjustashewas.
BreakingFreeActivity#9
Beginwiththelistaboveandaddgoodthingsthatyoucandoforyourself.
Putthelist up where you will see it and choose at leastonethingperday
anddoitforyourself.
AffirmingSelfHelpsNiceGuysLearnToApproveOfThemselves
Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy’s core belief about
himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy’s
worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of
affirmationsareusuallyshort-lived.Thisisbecausethesemessagesarecontrary
totheoldest,deepestbeliefstheNiceGuyholdsabouthimself.Affirmationsare
onlyeffectivewhenusedalongwithotherprocessesthathelpchangetheNice
Guy’scorebeliefs.
BreakingFreeActivity#10
Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note
cardsandplacethemwhereyouwillseethemregularly.Changethecards
often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and
fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your
mindtorejecttheaffirmationsinfavorofold,deeplyheldbeliefs.
Thefollowingaresomepossibleaffirmations:
«IamlovablejustasIam.»
«Iamperfectlyimperfect.»
«Myneedsareimportant.»
«Iamastrongandpowerfulperson.»
«Icanhandleit.»
«PeopleloveandacceptmejustasIam.»
«ItisOKtobehumanandmakemistakes.»
«IamtheonlypersonIhavetoplease.»
Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of
Themselves
Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the
NiceGuySyndrome.
When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about
themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives. I strongly
recommendthatNiceGuystaketripsandretreatsbythemselvestoplaceswhere
nooneknowsthem.Inthiscontext,theNiceGuyhasfewerreasonstotrytowin
people’sapproval,andthereislessofaneedtotrytohidefaultsandmistakes.
Whilealone,NiceGuys canreflectonthemselvesand theirlifedirection.Itis
alsoagoodtimetopracticetakingresponsibilityforone’sneeds.
Whenalone,therecoveringNiceGuycandowhathewantswithouthaving
topleaseorcompromise.Hewillgotobedandgetupwhenhewants.Hewill
decidewhenandwhattoeat.Hewilldecidewherehegoesandwhathedoes.
Whenalonehewillbelesslikelytocaretake,seekapproval,sacrificeself,ortry
tofixsomeone’sproblems.
Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys
face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy
discoversthatspendingtimealonedoesn’tkillhim,hemayalsorealizethathe
doesn’t have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or
manipulatepeopletotrytogethisneedsmet.
ThistimealoneisspentmosteffectivelywhentheNiceGuycanobservehis
tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or
usingsex,food,oralcoholtomedicate.Writinginajournalduringthesetimes
can be especially effective. Some of the most insightful periods I have
experiencedinlifehavebeenbymyselfonweekendcampingtrips,week-long
retreats,andtimeswhenmywifehasbeenoutoftown.
BreakingFreeActivity#11
Planaweekendtriptothemountainsorbeach.Ifpossible,planavacation
orretreatforaweekorlongerbyyourselftoaplacewherenooneknows
you.Visitaforeigncountrybyyourselfifatallpossible.Usethistimeasan
opportunityforself-observationandreflection.Keepajournal.
Practicegoodself-care.Takealongthisbookandspendtimedoingthe
BreakingFreeexercises.
Whenyoureturnhome,observehowyouaredifferentandhowlongit
takesforyoutobeginreturningtofamiliarpatterns.
RevealingSelfHelpsNiceGuysLearnToApproveOfThemselves
WhenNiceGuystrytohidetheirhumanityfromothers,theyreinforcetheircore
belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that
they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and
receivemoreaccuratemessagesthantheonesinternalizedinchildhood.
Bynecessity,thisprocessrequiresasafepersonorsafepeople.
Asfrighteningasitmayinitiallyfeel,findingthesesafepeopleisessential
for learning to approve of self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part
alone.SafepeopleareessentialforreversingthedistortedbeliefsallNiceGuys
haveabouttheirworth.
Thisprocessrequiresbuildingtrust.IsuggestthattherecoveringNiceGuy
seta regular time tomeetwithhissafepersonor group, and a littleatatime,
startrevealinghimself.Thisprocessbeginsbyjusttalkingabouthimself.Thisin
itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice
Guycanbeginrevealingthethingsabouthimselfthatheistheleastcomfortable
lettingotherssee.
Oncetrusthasbeenestablished,hecanbegintorevealthingsabouthimself
that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being
secretiveandevasivetorevealingtheirdeepest,darkestsecretsinthepresence
ofsafepeople.
Reid, a recovering alcoholic and a member of a No More Mr. Nice Guy!
groupisagoodexampleofthisprocess.
Reidcameintoagrouplateoneeveningandremainedquietanddetachedfor
thefirstthirtyorfortyminutes.Reid’spatterninthegroupwastoeitherjoinin
actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was
emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he
seemedwithdrawnandIaskedhowhewasdoing.
Oncetheattentionofthegroupfocusedonhim,hisappearanceshiftedfrom
detachmenttoterror.«Ialmostdidn’tcometonight.»Hewhisperedsoftlyashe
lookeddownathishands.«Infact,Iwasthinkingaboutquittingthegroup.»
A couple of the guys reflected the concern of the whole group by asking
whatwasgoingon.
«Ijustfeelsoterrible,»Reidcontinued,«I’vedonesomethingsoterrible,I
justdidn’tknowifIcouldfaceallofyou.»
Mythoughtsbegantoraceastowhathecouldhavedonethatmightcause
thegroupriseupinjudgmentagainsthim.Oneofthegroupmembersaskedifhe
washavinganaffair.
«No,worse.»Reidresponded.«I’vedonesomethingsoterrible,Idon’teven
knowifIcantellyouaboutit.»
Asthe groupofferedtheirsupport andencouragement,Reid brokethrough
hisfearandshameandbegantoopenup.
«LastweekIgotreprimandedbymybossandthenIgotintoafightwithmy
wife. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got
drunk.I’vebeenonabingeeversinceandIjustcan’tmakemyselfstop.»
Tears were running down Reid’s face as the shame of his addiction to
alcohol raised its ugly head once again. He had been clean and sober since
joiningthegroupsixmonthsearlier.HewasactiveinAA,buthadexperienceda
numberofslipsandrelapsesinhis12yearsofrecovery.
AgroupmemberhandedhimaboxoftissuesandReidwipedhiseyes.He
thencontinuedtellinghisstoryandrevealinghisshameinbetweensobs.
«I’mbacktoallmyoldwaysoflyingandmanipulating.I’mtotallyoutof
control.»
Iaskedifhehadcalledhissponsororgonetoameetingsincethisbegan.He
shookhisheadandsharedthathehadslippedsomanytimesthathedidn’tthink
anyonewouldcareorwanthimback.
VariousmembersofthegroupsharedwithReidthattheydidn’tthinkhewas
bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting.
Theytoldhimthattheyhadgreatrespectthathecameintogroupandrevealed
whatwasgoingon,especiallysincehehadsomuchshameaboutit.
After a few moments, Reid revealed, «That’s not all. There’s more.» He
begantosobonceagain.Liftinghishandtohisforeheadheshookhisheadasin
disgustforhimself.
«Itgetsworse.Iwenttothepeepshowsnearmyworktwotimesthisweek.»
He turned his eyes to the floor and wept almost uncontrollably. «I had been
doing so good.» He choked out between sobs, «Now I’ve blown it all. I feel
totally worthless and don’t want to go on living. I’ve made a mess of
everything.»
Fortherestofthehour,thegroupsupportedReidandencouragedhimtogo
allthewaythroughhisshame.Theyreassuredhimthathewasn’tbadandthat
no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for
revealinghisshameandpain.Theysupportedhimintalkingtohiswife,calling
hissponsorandgoingtoameeting.Theyaskedhimtocallonegroupmember
eachdayduringthenextweekandletthemknowhowhewasdoing.
WhenReidleftthegroupthatnight,hewasobviouslyshakenandscared.He
hadalsoreleasedaheavyburdenandreceivedthesupportofagroupofpeople
who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how
deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and
abandonhim,neitherofthesethingshappened.Instead,hereceivedthemessage
thattherewasnothinghecoulddothatwouldmakethemeninthegroupstop
likinghimorstopcaringabouthim.
SheddingOldSkin
AsrecoveringNiceGuysreleasetheirtoxicshameandstartseekingtheirown
approval,theybegintorealizeseveralimportanttruths.
Theyarenotbad.
Theydon’thavetodoanythingtowinotherpeople’sapproval.
Theydon’thavetohidetheirperceivedflawsormistakes.
Peoplecanlovethemjustastheyare.
As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this
chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other
human,NiceGuysmakemistakes,usepoorjudgment,andactinappropriately.
Nevertheless, their humanity doesn’t make them bad or unlovable nor does it
causeotherpeopletostoplovingthem.
Imperfecthumanscanonlyconnectwithotherimperfecthumans.Mostfolks
tendtobe attracted to individualswhohavesomesubstanceandsenseofself.
Chameleonsusuallydon’tdrawmuchofacrowdorgetmanyovations.
By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves,
recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they
havealwaysdesired.Bylearningtoapproveofthemselves,theybegintoradiate
alifeenergyandcharismathatdrawspeopletothem.AsNiceGuysstopseeking
approvalandstoptryingtohidetheirperceivedflaws,theyopenadoortostart
gettingwhattheyreallywantinloveandlife.
Chapter4
MakeYourNeedsAPriority
«I want you to know that I’m really uncomfortable with that thing we talked
aboutlastweek.»
Lars, an anxiety-filled executive, began his second session of counseling
withthisstatement.Larshadcometoseemeontheencouragementofhiswife.
He reported being generally depressed and unhappy for as long as he could
remember.Inrecentmonthshehadfounditdifficulttosleepatnightandwas
experiencingmigraineheadachesonaregularbasis.Eventhougheverythingin
his life seemed to be «fine» —good job, nice home, family, etc. —he never
seemedtobehappy.
Inhisfirstcounselingsession,Larsrevealedthathehadconstantfantasiesof
«chucking it all» and disappearing to somewhere else in the world. These
thoughtsmadehimfeelguilty,sohekeptthemtohimself.
InthatsessionIaskedLarswhathedidforhimself.Hegavemeapuzzled
look.«Whatdoyoumean?»heasked.
Irepeatedthequestion.
Afterapause,heanswered,«Notmuch,Iguess.»
Fortherestofthesession,Isharedwithhimtheimportanceofmakinghis
needs a priority and taking responsibility for finding ways to meet them. This
discussionwasmetwithbothfearandresistancefromLars.Thesamehesitancy
wasrepeatedashebeganhissecondcounselingsession.
«Whichpartofourdiscussionlastweekmadeyouuncomfortable?»Iasked.
«Allofit,»heresponded.«Thatpartaboutmakingmyneedsapriorityreally
mademeuptight.»
I asked him what part about taking responsibility for his needs made him
anxious.
«Everything,» he responded. «That seems like that would make me selfish
andself-centered.»
«What’swrongwiththat?»Iasked.
Larslooked at me with amazement.«What’s wrong with that,» he replied,
«is that being selfish would make me too much like my old man. All he ever
thoughtaboutwashimselfandtherestofussufferedasaresult.Ijustcouldn’t
dothat.Icouldn’tbeaself-centeredS.O.B.likehim.I’vegotawife,kids,ajob,
amortgage,andbillstopay.There’snoroomformetostartbehavinglikemy
father.»
LowMaintenanceKindsOfGuys
Lars is a fairly typical Nice Guy when it comes to his needs. Nice Guys
generallyfocustheirattentiononmeetingeveryoneelse’sneedswhiletryingto
be«lowmaintenance»kindsofguysthemselves.WhenItalkwiththemabout
makingtheirneedsapriority,theirresponseissimilartothatofLars.
This ubiquitous pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood
conditioning.Whenachild’sneedsarenotmetinatimely,healthymanner,the
childmaycometobelieveheis«bad»forhavingneeds.Hemayalsothinkthat
it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him. Typically Nice
Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by
developinganumberofsurvivalmechanisms.
Tryingtoappearneedlessandwantless.
Makingitdifficultforotherstogivetothem.
Using«covertcontracts.»
Caretaking—focusingattentiononotherpeople’sneeds.
While creating an illusion of security in childhood, these survival
mechanisms only increased the odds of their needs going unrecognized and
unmet.
Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From
GettingTheirNeedsMet
ForNiceGuys, trying to become needless andwantlesswasaprimarywayof
tryingtocopewiththeirchildhoodabandonmentexperiences.Sinceitwaswhen
theyhadthemostneedsthattheyfeltthemostabandoned,theybelieveditwas
theirneedsthatdrovepeopleaway.
Thesehelplesslittleboysconcludedthatiftheycouldeliminateorhideallof
theirneeds,thennoonewouldabandonthem.Theyalsoconvincedthemselves
thatiftheydidn’thaveneeds,itwouldn’thurtsobadwhen the needs weren’t
met.Notonlydidtheylearnearlynottoexpecttogettheirneedsmet,butalso
thattheirverysurvivalseemedtodependonappearingnottohaveneeds.
Thiscreatedanunsolvablebind:thesehelplesslittleboyscouldnottotally
represstheirneedsandstayalive,andtheycouldnotmeettheirneedsontheir
own.Theonlylogicalsolutionwastotrytoappeartobeneedlessandwantless
whiletryingtogetneedsmetinindirectandcovertways.
Asaresultofthesechildhoodsurvivalmechanisms,NiceGuysoftenbelieve
itisavirtuetohavefewneedsorwants.Beneaththisfacadeofneedlessnessand
wantlessness,allNiceGuysareactuallyextremelyneedy.Consequently,when
theygoabouttryingtogettheirneedsmet,NiceGuys are frequently indirect,
unclear,manipulative,andcontrolling.
Making It Difficult For Others To Give To Them Prevents Nice Guys
FromGettingTheirNeedsMet
Inadditiontousingineffectivestrategiestogettheirneedsmet,NiceGuysare
terrible receivers. Since getting their needs met contradicts their childhood
paradigms, Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get
what they want. Though most Nice Guys have a difficult time grasping this
concept, they are terrified of getting what they really want and will go to
extrememeasurestomakesuretheydon’t.NiceGuyscarryoutthisunconscious
agenda by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an
unspoken agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away, and
sabotaging.
AgoodillustrationofthisdynamicisthewayNiceGuyscommonlytryto
gettheirsexualneedsmet.
Many of the Nice Guys I’ve worked with have expressed a heightened
interestin sex, yet they frequentlyfeel frustrated intheir attempts toget these
needsmet.Thisisusuallybecausetheiractionsprettymuchguaranteethatthey
won’tgetwhattheybelievetheywant.
Nice Guys have an uncanny knack of picking partners who, because of
childhood sexual abuse or other negative experiences with sex, tend to have a
difficult time being sexually expressive. When these partners do make
themselves available to be sexual, it is not uncommon for Nice Guys to do
somethingthatfurtherensuresthattheydon’tgettheirneedsmet.TheNiceGuy
mayrespondbytakingcontrolratherthanlettingthesexualexperienceunfold.
He may focus on his partner’s sexual needs before she has a chance to pay
attentiontohim.Hemightstartafightbymakingacommentaboutherweight
orherpastunavailability.AllofthesestrategiesprettymuchensurethattheNice
Guy won’t have to experience the fear, shame, or anxiety that might get
triggeredifheactuallyallowedsomeonetofocusonhisneeds.
BreakingFreeActivity#12
DoyoubelieveitisOKforyoutohaveneeds?Doyoubelievepeoplewant
to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of
abundance?
UsingCovertContractsPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheirNeeds
Met.
AllNiceGuysarefacedwithadilemma:Howcantheykeepthefactthatthey
haveneedshidden, yet still create situations in whichtheyhave some hope of
gettingtheirneedsmet?
In order to accomplish this seemingly impossible goal, Nice Guys utilize
covertcontracts.Theseunconscious,unspokenagreementsaretheprimaryway
thatNiceGuysinteractwiththeworldaroundthem.AlmosteverythingaNice
Guydoesrepresentssomemanifestationofacovertcontract.
TheNiceGuy’scovertcontractissimplythis:
1. Iwilldothis______________(fillintheblank)foryou,sothat
2. Youwilldothis______________(fillintheblank)forme.
3. Wewillbothactasifwehavenoawarenessofthiscontract.
Most of us have had the experienceof leaningover and whispering in our
lover’sear,«Iloveyou.»Wethenwaitexpectantlyforourbelovedtorespond
with,«Iloveyoutoo.»Thisisanexampleofacovertcontractinwhichaperson
givestoget.Giving«Iloveyous»toget«Iloveyoutoos»inreturnisthebasic
wayNice Guys goabout trying toget all oftheir needs met.There is nothing
wrongwithaskingyourpartnertotellyoushelovesyou,buttellingher«Ilove
you» first to get an «I love you too» in return is indirect, unclear, and
manipulative.
Asaresultoftheconditioningtheyreceivedintheirfamilyandsociety,Nice
Guysbelieveiftheyare«good,»thentheyshouldbeloved,gettheirneedsmet,
andhaveaproblem-freelife.
Inreality,theprimaryparadigmoftheNiceGuySyndromeisnothingmore
thanabigcovertcontractwithlife.
BreakingFreeActivity#13
Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other.
Whatdo you give? What do you expectinreturn?Sharethis information
withtheotherperson.Askthepersonhowitfeelstorespondtoanunclear
agenda.
CaretakingPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheirNeedsMet
One of the most common ways Nice Guys use covert contracts to try to meet
their needs is through caretaking. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is
fundamentallylovingandisoneofthethingsthatmakesthemgoodpeople.In
reality,caretakinghasnothingtodowithbeinglovingorgood.Caretakingisan
immatureandindirectattempttotrytogetone’sneedsmet.
Caretakingalwaysconsistsoftwoparts:
1. Focusingonanother’sproblems,needs,orfeelingsinorderto
2. Feelvaluable,getone’sownneedsmet,ortoavoiddealingwithone’s
ownproblemsorfeelings.
Reese, a graphic designer in his late twenties, is a good example of the
extremes to which Nice Guys caretake in their intimate relationships. Reese
lamentedinoneofhistherapysessions,
«Whycan’tIfindagirlwhogivesasmuchbacktomeasIgivetoher?»He
went on to describe how all of his girlfriends seemed to be takers and that he
alwaysdidallofthegiving.
Within a period of a year, Reese entered into three intense relationships.
Eachbegan wonderfully and seemedlike the woman hehad been lookingfor.
Each failed because of the same scenario: Reese picked women who needed
rescuingorfixing.
The first girlfriend lived in Canada and had recently gotten off drugs. She
cametolivewithReesebutneverappliedforaworkvisaandstruggledtostay
clean.Reesewentoutofhiswaytobesupportiveofhisgirlfriendwiththehope
thatshewouldfindajobandstayoffdrugs.Finally,Reesesentherhometoget
herlifestraightenedout.Later,hefoundoutfromamutualfriendthatthereason
hisgirlfriendhadneverappliedforaworkvisawasbecauseshewassickwith
cancer,somethingshenevertoldhim.
Thenextgirlfriend’sparents andreligionkeptherinconstantconflict.She
wasnever able to commit tothe relationship. Nevertheless,Reese went out of
hiswaytobesupportiveandgiving,allwiththehopesthathisgirlfriendwould
eventuallygetthingsstraightenedoutandbecomeavailabletoReese.
The third girlfriend was in the military. She was living on base, some 40
milesfromReese’sapartmentandhadnocar.Reesehadtotaketheinitiativein
getting together and would often shuttle his girlfriend around. Because Reese
mademoremoney,healwayspaidwhentheywentout.Reesefrequentlybought
hisgirlfriendgiftsandloanedhermoney.Whenthisgirlfriendgottransferredto
adifferentstate,Reesequithisjob,soldhiscar,andmovedalongwithher,only
toreturninthreemonthsbecausehisgirlfriendstartedrunningaroundonhim.
Duringthis12-monthperiodwhileReesewassobusycaretakingtheneeds
and problems of his girlfriends, he gave up his job and alienated most of his
friendsandfamily.Reese’scaretakingallowedhimtostayoblivioustohisown
self-destructive behaviors while investing tremendous energy in trying to fix
others.As istrueformost NiceGuys,nomatterhowmuchhegavetoothers,
Reeseneverfeltlikehegotasmuchbackinreturn.
CaringVs.Caretaking
ThoughNice Guys see everythingthey do forothers as loving, caretakinghas
verylittletodowithcaring.Herearethedifferences:
Caretaking
1. Givestootherswhatthegiverneedstogive.
2. Comesfromaplaceofwithinemptinesswithinthegiver.
3. Alwayshasunconsciousstringsattached.
Caring
1. Givestootherswhatthereceiverneeds.
2. Comesfromaplaceofabundancethethegiver.
3. Hasnostringsattached.
NiceGuyscaretakeforanumberofreasons,noneofthemhavinganything
to do with love. For them, even the most innocuous and subtle act often has
somestringattached.NiceGuysgiveinthewaystheywouldlikeotherstogive
to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will
encouragetheirpartnertotakeadayoff,buyanewoutfit,gotothedoctor,take
atrip,quitajob,gobacktoschool—yetwouldnotgivethemselvespermission
todoanyofthesamethings.
BreakingFreeActivity#14
Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to
stimulateawarenessofyourcaretaking,dooneofthefollowingforaperiod
ofoneweek:
1. Goonacaretakingmoratorium.BecauseNiceGuyshaveadifficulttime
differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely
(excepttoyoung,dependentchildren).Tellpeoplewhatyouaredoing
so they won’t be confused. Observe your feelings and other people’s
reactions.
2. Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this
assignmentmaysound,itisaveryeffectivewaytocreateawarenessof
yourcaretakingbehavior.Payattentiontohowyoufeelandhowother
peoplereacttoyou.
TheVictimTriangle
RatherthanhelpingNiceGuysmeettheirneeds,covertcontractsandcaretaking
only lead to frustration and resentment. When this frustration and resentment
buildslongenough,itoftenspillsoutinsomenotsoprettyways.Givingtoget
creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle
consistsofthreepredictablesequences:
1. TheNiceGuygivestoothershopingtogetsomethinginreturn.
2. When it doesn’t seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn’t
gettingwhatheexpected,hefeelsfrustratedandresentful.Remember,the
NiceGuyistheonekeepingscoreandheisn’ttotallyobjective.
3. Whenthisfrustrationandresentmentbuildsuplongenough,itspillsoutin
the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums,
withdrawing,shaming,criticizing,blaming,evenphysicalabuse.Oncethe
cyclehasbeencompleted,itusuallyjustbeginsalloveragain.
Mywifereferstotheseepisodesasvictimpukes.Sometimesthepukingwill
resembleachild’stempertantrum.Sometimesthevictimpukewilltakeamore
passive-aggressiveforminwhichtheNiceGuywillhaveanaffairoractoutin
somehiddenway.Allthewhilethepersondoingthepukingwillfeeljustified
becauseofthemanywayshehasbeenvictimized.Thesevictimpukesareoneof
theprimaryreasonsNiceGuysaren’talwayssonice.
Shane’s relationship with his girlfriend Racquel is a good example of the
victimtriangleandemotionalpuking.ShanehadRacquelonapedestalanddeep
inside,hebelievedshecouldonlylovehimifhewas«goodenough.»Inorderto
winherlovehegavehergifts,senthercards,leftphonemessages,boughther
clothes,plannedspecialsurprises,andhelpedwithherhomeandchildren.
All of this created a sense of emotional indebtedness for Racquel. She felt
likeshecouldneverrepayShaneforeverythinghedidforher.Thetruthwas—
shecouldn’t.Shanewastryingtobuyherlove—onlythecontractwasn’tclear.
Intime,the only wayshe could cope withhis pleasing and caretakingwasby
pushinghimaway.
Whenthishappened,Shanewasdevastated.Hecouldn’tunderstandwhyif
hehadfulfilledhisendofthecontract,Racquelwouldn’tkeephers.Hedidn’t
think he was that hard to please. The more Shane gave to Racquel, the more
resentfulhebecame.Hewouldaccuseherofnotlovinghim.Theywouldhave
tremendousbattlesinwhichtheywouldbreakup,callingeachotherallkindsof
names. Afterwards Shane would feel frightened and remorseful and pursue
Racqueland try tofix things (allthe while resentingher for not pursuing him
andtrying to fix things). He would then startcaretaking and pleasingagain to
winherlove.Thecyclerepeateditselfoverandoveragain.
BreakingFreeActivity#15
Itcan bedifficultto makeadirect linkbetweenyour caretakingbehavior
andtheemotionalpukeswhichinevitablyfollow.Observethewaysyouhurt
thepeopleyoulove.
Doyoumakecuttingremarksorhurtful«jokes»?
Doyouembarrasstheminpublic?
Areyoufrequentlylate?
Doyou«forget»thingsthey’veaskedyoutodo?
Doyoucriticizethem?
Doyouwithdrawfromthemorthreatentoleave?
Doyouletfrustrationbuilduntilyoublowupatthem?
Askthesignificantothers in your life to giveyoufeedback about your
caretakingandemotionalpukes.Thisinformationmaybehardtohearand
may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking
outofthevictimtriangle.
BecomingTrulySelfish
WhenIbeganwritingthisbookIsharedtheearlydraftswithmembersofmyNo
MoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroups.Ononeoccasion,agroupmemberstated,«It
seems like the whole emphasis of the book is about focusing on one’s self. It
seemsreallyselfishandself-centered,liketheNiceGuyshouldjustthinkabout
himselfandnotworryaboutanyoneelse.»
Even though I did not set out to write No More Mr. Nice Guy! with this
themeinmind,thisgroupmember’scommentscontainedanimportanttruththat
Ihadn’tevenbeenfullyconsciousofbeforethen.
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive,
recoverymustcenteronlearningtoputthemselvesfirstandmakingtheir
needsapriority.
Most Nice Guys are astonished when I tell them that it is healthy to have
needsandthatmaturepeoplemakegettingtheirneedsmetapriority.Sometimes
Ihavetorepeatthistruthmanytimesinorderforittosinkin.ForNiceGuys,
having needs means being «needy,» and needy represents a one-way ticket to
abandonment.
ItellNiceGuys,«Noonewasputonthisplanettomeetyourneeds»(except
theirparents—andtheirjobisdone).Ialsoremindthemtheyweren’tputonthis
planettomeetanyoneelse’sneeds(exceptthoseoftheirchildren).
ThisparadigmshiftisalwaysterrifyingforrecoveringNiceGuys.Theidea
ofmakingtheirneeds a priority feels likethequickestroute to being disliked,
unloved,andallalone.
WheneverIchallengeNiceGuystofocusonmakingtheirneedsapriority,
theirresponsesareprettypredictable:
«Peoplewillgetangryatme.»
«PeoplewillthinkI’mselfish.»
«I’llbealone.»
«Whatifeveryonelivedthisway?»
IthenlistthebenefitsforNiceGuysandthepeoplearoundthemwhenthey
begintoputthemselvesfirst:
Theyincreasethelikelihoodofgettingwhattheyneedandwant.
Theycangivejudiciously—givingwhatpeoplereallyneed.
Theycangivewithoutresentmentandexpectation.
Theybecomelessneedy.
Theybecomemoreattractive.
MostNiceGuyswillreallylikethelastbenefitonthelist.Helpless,whiny,
wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance
are.Most folks are attracted to men whohave a sense of self. Putting the self
firstdoesn’tdrivepeopleaway,itattractsthem.Puttingtheselffirstisessential
forgettingwhatonewantsinloveandlife.
TakingResponsibilityForTheirOwnNeedsHelpsNiceGuysGetTheir
NeedsMet
InorderforNiceGuystogettheirneedsmet,theymustbegintoshifttheircore
paradigms.Thisshiftincludescomingtobelieve:
Havingneedsispartofbeinghuman.
Maturepeoplemakemeetingtheirownneedsapriority.
Theycanaskforhelpinmeetingtheirneedsinclearanddirectways.
Otherpeoplereallydowanttohelpthemmeettheirneeds.
Thisworldisaplaceofabundance.
In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something
radicallydifferentfromwhattheyhavedonepreviously.ForNiceGuys,putting
theselffirstisnotjustasuggestiontotryonforsize.
Itisessentialnotonlyforgettingneedsmet,butalsoforreclaimingpersonal
power,feelingfullyalive,andexperiencingloveandintimacy.
Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own
needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the
covertcontracts,theguessinggames,theangeroutbursts,andpassive-aggressive
behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the
resentment.Ilearnedthislessonfirst-handafewyearsback.
Aholiday weekend was approachingand our kids weregoing to be outof
town. I tried to plan some time with my wife Elizabeth, but she seemed
ambivalentandunwillingtomakeacommitmenttowhatshewantedtodo.Ifelt
frustrated and put my plans on hold. Finally, upon the urging of a friend, I
decidedtotryputting myself first over theweekend.Imade plans and invited
mywifetojoinmeifshefeltinclined.IdidseveralthingsIwanted,including
spendingsometimewithfriends.Asitturnedout,Elizabethdecidedtojoinme
on a number of occasions. On Monday, she shared with me that she had
thoroughlyenjoyedtheweekendanddidn’twantittoend.
AChallenge
InasessionofoneofmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroups,Ichallenged
each of the group members to experiment with putting themselves first for at
least a week. Though the challenge created tremendous anxiety for all of the
men, each decided to accept it. The experiences of three of Lars, Reese, and
Shanearepresentedbelow.
Lars
Lars,introducedatthebeginningofthechapter,wenthomeafterthegroup
andtoldhiswifethathewasgoingtomakehisneedsapriorityforthefollowing
week. She was initially resistant to his proclamation —which added to his
anxiety.Toboosthiscourage,Larscalledacoupleofmeninthegroup.Their
encouragement gave him the support he needed to follow through with his
commitment.
Larsdecidedtokeepitsimple.Hisplanfortheweekinvolvedmakingtime
everydaytogothegymandworkout.Beforehischildrenwereborn,Larshad
beenphysicallyactive.Thedemandsofjob,homeandchildrenhadputanendto
that. Lars decided to alternate his workouts before and after work. When he
sharedhisplanwithhiswife,sheappliedalittleguilt.«That’snotfairthatyou
gettoworkoutandIdon’t,»sheproclaimed.Larswastemptedtobackdown.
He had an impulse to try to find a solution so his wife could work out too.
Instead,hereflectedherconcernandtoldherhewasgoingtoworkoutanyway.
Duringhisfirstcoupleoftripstothegym,Larswasoverwhelmedwithguilt
andanxiety. Nevertheless,hepersevered.After the thirdday,hiswife actually
asked him how his workout went. As the week continued, Lars began to feel
moreenergizedandoptimisticaboutlife.Hestartedsleepingbetter.Heenjoyed
being around other people at the gym who were also taking good care of
themselves.
Surprisingly,afterhisfirstweek,hiswifetoldhimthathehadinspiredherto
start taking better care of herself. She told him that she was going to start
dropping the kids off at the daycare center at the gym and begin an aerobics
classforherself.
Reese
ReesehadjoinedtheNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupafterhisbreak-upwith
hislastgirlfriend.
Reese’shabitonweekendswastogotooutwithhislatestgirlfriendtobars
onFriday,Saturday,andSundaynights.ByMondaymorning,hewasexhausted.
Hewouldspendtherestoftheweekplayingcatchup.Reesewasafraidthatif
hedidn’tgooutwheneverhisgirlfriendwanted,shewouldleavehim.
Reesedecidedthatforoneweekend,hewouldputhimselffirstanddowhat
feltrighttohim.Hetoldhisgirlfriendinadvance.Reesedecidedthathewould
gooutjustonenight,notdrink,andbeinbymidnight.
OnSaturday,hemadesomeplanstogotoamoviewithacoupleofguysin
the group. On Sunday he stayed at home to relax and get caught up on some
housecleaningandlaundry.Hisgoalwastobeinbedby10:00p.m.onSunday
evening.
When Monday came, Reese felt rested and clear headed at work. His
boyfriend hadn’t dropped him, and the rest of the week felt productive and
enjoyable.
Shane
Shane, also introduced earlier in the chapter, liked to do things for his
girlfriend.Shaneregularlygavehergifts,plannedsurprises,anddidwhateverhe
couldtohelpherout.
Shane’splan forputtinghimselffirst involvedpayingattentiontowhenhe
hadanimpulsetodosomethingforhisgirlfriend.Wheneverhefeltthisimpulse,
hewouldinsteaddosomethingforhimself.
Whenhethoughtaboutwashinghercar,hewashedhisowninstead.When
hefelttheurgetobuyheragift,heboughthimselfsomethinginstead.Whenhe
thoughtaboutcallingherjusttoseeifshewasOK,hecalledagroupmember
instead.AllofthiscreatedtremendousanxietyforShane.
Muchtohissurprise,attheendoftheweekRacquelreportedshefeltalot
lesssmotheredbyShaneandactuallylookedforwardtospendingtimewithhim.
Sheevencalledlateoneeveningafterthekidswereinbedandinvitedhimover
tomakelove.
A couple of weeks later, Shane and Racquel talked about the change in a
couplescounselingsession.
Theydecidedtocontinuetheprocess.Foraperiodofsixmonthstheyagreed
thatShanewouldnotgiveanygiftsorplananysurprisesforRacquel.Duringthe
following six months he refrained from giving her birthday, Christmas, and
Valentine’scardsorgifts.Duringthistimehefocusedontakingbettercareof
himselfandgettinghisneedsmet.
IntimeShanecametoseethatnotonlydidRacquelnotstoplovinghim,she
actuallybecamemoregivingtoShane.Oneyearlatter,theybothreportedthat
Shanecouldgiveagiftwithoutusingitasawaytogetapprovaloraffirmation.
Duringthistime,Shanehadalsolearnedthatmakinghisneedsaprioritymade
him less dependent, needy, and fearful. Both Shane and Racquel reported
enjoyingallthechangestheyhadexperiencedsinceShanemadethedecisionto
startputtinghimselffirst.
MakingTheDecision
Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up
themselvesandputothersfirst,theywillbelovedandgettheirneedsmet.There
is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm
—puttingthemselvesfirst.
Makingthedecisiontoputtheselffirstisthehardestpart.Actuallydoingit
isrelativelyeasy.WhentheNiceGuyputshimselffirstthereisonlyonevoice
toconsider—hisown.Decisionsarenowmadebyoneindividual,ratherthanby
a committee. He no longer has to mind read, predict, or try to pleasemultiple
voiceswithconflictingagendas.Whenputtinghimselffirstalltheinformation
heneedstomakeadecisioniswithinhim:«IsthiswhatIwant?Yes.Thenthat’s
whatI’lldo.»
BreakingFreeActivity#16
Makeadecisiontoputyourselffirstforaweekendorevenawholeweek.
Tellthepeoplearoundyouwhatyouaredoing.Askafriendtosupportyou
andencourageyouinthisprocess.Payattentiontoyourinitialanxiety.Pay
attentiontoyourtendencytoreverttooldpatterns.Attheendofthetime
period,askthepeoplearoundyouwhatitwaslikeforthemwhenyouput
yourselffirst.
Remember,youdon’thavetodoitperfectly.Justdoit.
Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves taking responsibility
forone’sownneeds.OthersmaycooperatewiththeNiceGuy,buttheyarenot
in charge of meeting his needs. By making their needs a priority and putting
themselvesfirst,recoveringNiceGuyscancometoseetheworldasaplaceof
abundance. They can truly come to believe that their needs are important and
therearepeopleouttherewhoarehappyandwillingtohelpthemmeetthem.
Chapter5
ReclaimYourPersonalPower
OneSaturdaymorningafewyearsback,mywifeElizabethandIengagedina
heated discussion over something I had done. Like many of our arguments,
Elizabethfelthelplesstogetmetoseemydenial.
At the same time, I felt unjustly persecuted. Finally, when the argument
reachedanemotionalcrescendo,Elizabethshoutedinfrustration,
«You’renothingbutawimp!»
ElizabethlefttheroomandIretreatedtothebathroomtodrymyeyes.
Afterafewminutesofreflection,Elizabethknockedonthebathroomdoor.I
assumedshewascomingbacktotakeanotherstabatherwoundedprey.Instead
sheapologized.
«I’msorryforcallingyouawimp.Thatwasn’tfair.»
«Actually,»Iresponded,wipingatearaway,«Itwasthemostaccuratething
yousaidallmorning.»
NiceGuysarewimps.Thismaynotsoundlikeanicethingtosay,butit’s
true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and
childhoodsurvivalmechanismsrequirethemtosacrificetheirpersonalpower.
Asstatedinpreviouschapters,acommondenominatorforNiceGuysisthat
theydidnotgettheirneedsmetinatimely,healthyfashioninchildhood.These
little boys were helpless to prevent people from abandoning them, neglecting
them,abusingthem,usingthem,orsmotheringthem.Theywerevictimstothe
people who failed to love them, pay attention to them, meet their needs, and
protectthem.
Asaresultofthesechildhoodexperiences,feelinglikeavictimfeelsfamiliar
formostNiceGuys.Thesementendtoseeothersascausingtheproblemsthey
areexperiencing in life. As a consequence, they often feel frustrated,helpless,
resentful,andrageful.Youcanseeitintheirbodylanguage.Youcanhearitin
theirvoices.
«It’snotfair.»
«Howcomeshegetstomaketherules?»
«IalwaysgivemorethanIget.»
«Ifshewouldjust…»
AParadigmOfPowerlessness
In an attempt to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences, all Nice
Guysdevelopedthesameparadigm:«IfIamgood,thenIwillbeloved,getmy
needsmet,andhaveaproblem-freelife.»
Unfortunately, this paradigm not only produces the opposite of what is
desired,itguaranteesnothingbutfeelingsofperpetualpowerlessness.
Even though Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to create a smooth,
problem-freelife,twomajorfactorspreventthemfromattainingthisgoal.The
first is that they are attempting the impossible. Life is not smooth. Human
existence is by nature chaotic. Life is filled with experiences that are
unpredictable and beyond anyone’s control. Therefore, trying to create a
predictable life in which everything always goes as planned is an exercise in
futility.
Inspiteofthefactthatweliveinachaotic,unpredictableworld,NiceGuys
arenot onlyconvincedthatlifecanbesmooth,theybelieveitshould be.This
belief is the direct result of their childhood abandonment experiences. The
unpredictabilityofnothavingtheirneedsmetinatimely,judiciousfashionwas
notonlyfrightening,itwaspotentiallylife-threatening.
Inattempttocopewiththeuncertaintyoftheirchaoticchildhood,Nice
Guysdevelopedabeliefsystemthatifthey couldjustdoeverythingright,
theneverythingwouldgorightintheirlives.
Sometimesthesemenalsodevelopedbeliefsystemsthattheirchildhoodwas
ideal and problem-free (the opposite of reality) in order to cope with their
abandonment experiences. These were all distorted beliefs, but these illusions
helped these helpless little boys deal with the turmoil that was out of their
control.
AsecondreasonNiceGuysneveraccomplishtheirgoalofhavingasmooth
lifeisthattheydotheoppositeofwhatworks.Byapproachingadultsituations
with survival mechanisms that were formed when they were naive and
powerless,theyareinsuredofhavingverylittlesuccessincreatinganythingthat
resemblesstabilityintheirlives.
ThedependenceontheseineffectivesurvivalmechanismskeepsNiceGuys
trappedinthememoryoftheirfearfulchildhoodexperiencesandperpetuatesa
viciouscycle.Themorefrightenedtheyare,themoretheyusetheirchildhood
survivalmechanisms.Themoretheyusetheseineffectivemechanisms,theless
successful they are at negotiating the complexities,challenges and ambiguities
oflife.Thelesssuccessfultheyare,themorefearfultheybecome…yougetthe
picture.
BreakingFreeActivity#17
Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth,
problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping
mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you
usethisstrategytotrytocontrolyourworldinadulthood.Notehoweachof
these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this
informationwithasafeperson.
Doingitright.
Playingitsafe.
Anticipatingandfixing.
Tryingnottorocktheboat.
Beingcharmingandhelpful.
Neverbeingamoment’sproblem.
Usingcovertcontracts.
Controllingandmanipulating.
Caretakingandpleasing.
Withholdinginformation.
Repressingfeelings.
Makingsureotherpeopledon’thavefeelings.
Avoidingproblemsanddifficultsituations.
OvercomingTheWimpFactor—ReclaimingPersonalPower
Idefinepersonalpowerasastateofmindinwhichapersonisconfidenthecan
handlewhatevermaycome.Thiskindofpowernotonlysuccessfullydealswith
problems,challengesandadversity,itactuallywelcomesthem,meetsthemhead
on,andisthankfulforthem.Personalpowerisn’ttheabsenceoffear.Eventhe
mostpowerfulpeoplehavefear.Personalpoweristheresultoffeelingfear,but
notgivingintothefear.
There is a solution to the helplessness and vulnerability Nice Guys feel.
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows Nice Guys to embrace the
personalpowerthatistheirbirthright.Reclaimingpersonalpowerincludes:
Surrendering.
Dwellinginreality.
Expressingfeelings.
Facingfears.
Developingintegrity.
Settingboundaries.
SurrenderingHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Ironically,themostimportantaspectofreclaimingpersonalpowerandgetting
whatonewantsinloveandlifeissurrender.Surrenderdoesn’tmeangivingup,
itmeanslettinggoofwhatonecan’tchangeandchangingwhatonecan.
Lettinggodoesn’tmeannotcaringornottrying.Lettinggomeanslettingbe.
It is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored
inside.Atfirstthefingerswillwanttoreturntotheirformerclenchedposition.
Thehandalmosthastoberetrainedtoopenupandrelax.Soitiswithlearning
howtosurrenderandletgo.
Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to let go and respond to life’s
complexbeauty,ratherthantryingtocontrolit.Surrenderallowsthesemento
seelifeasalaboratoryforlearning,growth,andcreativity.
Surrenderallows recoveringNiceGuysto seeeachlifeexperience as a
«gift»fromtheuniversetostimulategrowth,healingandlearning.Instead
ofasking,«Whyisthishappeningtome?»therecoveringNiceGuycanrespond
tolife’schallengesbypondering,«WhatdoIneedtolearnfromthissituation?»
Gilexemplifiestheprocessoflettinggo.Gilhadreachedacrisispointinhis
relationship with his girlfriend Barb. Gil had originally begun couples
counselingwithBarbto«fix»herproblem.Heclaimedthatshewasdepressed,
angry all the time, and had no interest in sex. He reported that he constantly
walkedoneggshells,tryingtomakesureheneverdidanythingtoupsether.
GilandBarbwerebothintheirearlyfiftiesandhadbeenlivingtogetherfor
eightyears.Theyhaddiscussedmarriage,butbothfeltapprehensionduetothe
unsettled nature of their relationship. After a couple months of couples
counseling, Gil began to entertain the idea that all the problems in the
relationshipmight not be aboutBarb. He began looking at his own caretaking
andcontrollingbehavior.
Healsobecameawarethathehadfewoutsideinterestsandnomalefriends.
Afteracouplemoremonths,hejoinedaNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!men’sgroup.
EvenasGilbegantolookathisownproblemsandineffectivelifepatterns,
hekeptseekingthe«key»formakingBarbbetter.Itwasaslowprocess,butGil
begantoseethathecouldnotdoanythingtochangeBarbandthathewasgoing
tohavetofocusonhimself.AshebegantoletgoanddetachfromBarbhefelt
tremendousanxiety.Hehadadeepfearthathewasgoingto«getintrouble.»He
alsobelievedthatBarbcouldn’thandleherproblemswithouthishelp.
Withthe support of thegroup, Gil surrendered.He came to realizethathe
wouldbeOKregardlessofwhetherheandBarbmadeitasacouple.Muchto
hissurprise,theirrelationshipbegantoimprove.Asheletgooftryingtosolve
her problems and detached from her moods, Gil found that he had fewer
frustrationsandresentments.HeevenbegantoseeBarbasa«gift»tohelphim
workthroughhisissueswithhisangryfather.
Ayearlaterheannouncedtohismen’sgroupthatheandBarbhadsetadate
to get married. He reported that they were getting along better than he would
have ever imagined. He shared that the turning point seemed to be when he
madethedecisionthathedidn’tcarewhethertheymadeittogetherornot.That
decision represented a conscious letting go of trying to control something that
wasclearlynotinhiscontrol.Ironically,hesharedthattheprocessoflettinggo
allowedhimtoreceivewhathereallywanted.
BreakingFreeActivity#18
Thinkaboutone«gift»fromtheuniversewhichyouinitiallyresistedbut
cannowbeseenasapositivestimulusforgrowthordiscovery.
Arethere anysimilargifts inyourliferight nowtowhichyou needto
surrender?
Sharethisinformationwithasafeperson.
DwellingInRealityHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
NiceGuystrytocontroltheirworldbycreatingbeliefsystemsaboutpeopleand
situations that are not based in reality. They then act as if these beliefs are
accurate.Thisiswhytheirbehavioroftenseemsillogicaltooutsideobservers.
Les, an unassuming man in his late thirties, had a brief affair with a co-
worker.DuringhisinitialtherapysessionIaskedLeswhyhethoughthehadan
affair.«Idon’tknow,»hereplied,«IguessIjustwantedsomeattention.»
Icontinuedbyaskinghimhowheexpressedhisangertowardhiswife.With
apuzzledlook,heresponded,«InevergetangryatSarah.»
«You mean you two have been marriedfor 10 years and she’s never done
anythingtopissyouoff?»Iaskedinmocksurprise.
TolistentoLestalkabouthiswife,itwasevidenthehadheronapedestal.It
was as equally clear that he was not dwelling in reality when it came to his
marriage. When I asked specific questions about his wife, Les revealed how
Sarahhadgained60poundssincetheymarried,refusedtocook,wasdepressed,
nolongerwantedtohavesexwithhim,treatedhimwithcontempt,andwould
rageathimwithoutprovocation.Inspiteofallthesethings,Lesmaintainedthat
hiswifewasthewomanofhisdreamsandthathelovedherdearly.
Throughoutthenextfewmonthsoftherapy,Iconsistentlyheldupamirror
ofrealitytoLesinregardtohiswifeandhisrelationshipwithher.Thiswasa
slowanddifficultprocess.LesneededtoseeSarahinacertainwaybecauseof
his fear of being alone. To dwell in reality might mean he would have to do
somethingfrighteningordifficult.
AsLesbegantofacehisfearsofabandonmenthealsobegantoseehiswife
moreaccurately.Thischangeallowedhimtostartaskingforwhathewanted,set
boundaries, and express his feelings of resentment and anger. It soon became
apparentthatSarahhadnodesiretolookatherroleintherelationshipormake
anykindofchanges.Thoughitwaspainfulandfrightening,acceptingthingsas
they really were allowed Les to make the decision to move out and file for
divorce.
Dwelling in reality allowed Les to look at why he had created the kind of
systemhehadwithSarah.Itputhiminapositiontomakedifficultbutrealistic
decisions. It allowed him to access the inner power he needed to make
significantchangesinhislife.Italsoopenedthedoorforhimtofindsomeone
whowasavailabletohelphimcreatethekindofrelationshiphewanted.
BreakingFreeActivity#19
Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of
control.Stepbackfromthesituation.Isthedifficultyyouarehavingwith
the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to
believeontoit?Ifyouhadtoaccepttherealityofthissituation,howmight
youchangeyourresponsetoit?
ExpressingFeelingsHelps
NiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPowerNiceGuysareterrifiedoftwokinds
offeelings—theirownandeveryoneelse’s.AnykindofintensitycausesNice
Guysto feel out of control.As children, feeling things intenselyinvited either
negativeattentionornoattentionatall.Therefore,itcametofeelsafertoclamp
aliddowntightlyonanyemotionthatmightattracttoomuchnegativeattention
ormightcausethemtofeelabandoned.
I remember early in our marriage when Elizabeth would express her
frustrationovermyinabilitytosharewhatIwasfeeling.LikemostNiceGuys,I
had come to see feelings as a dangerous thing. After 30 plus years of
conditioning,IhadnocluewhatElizabethwantedfromme.
Even as I began to become aware of my feelings, I often kept them to
myself.It is almostcomical how infrequentlyit crosses a Nice Guy’s mind to
tell his partner what he is feeling. On one occasion Elizabeth confronted me
whenIsharedafeelingwithherthatIhadbeenharboringforsometime.«Why
didn’tyoutellmeaboutthatwhenyoufirstfeltit?»shequestioned.
«I’mdoingbetter,»IrepliedintypicalNiceGuyfashion.«Itonlytookme
twoweekstogetaroundtotellingyou.»
IfrequentlyhearNiceGuysrationalizethewithholdingoftheirfeelingsby
claimingtheydon’twanttohurtanyone.Thetruthistheyarecoveringtheirown
butts. What they are really saying is that they don’t want to do anything that
mightrecreatetheirchildhoodexperiences.They’rereallynottryingto protect
anyone from harm, they’re just trying to keep their world smooth and under
control.
IfrequentlytellNiceGuys,«Yourfeelingsarejustfeelings,theywon’tkill
you.»RegardlessofwhetheraNiceGuyisfeelinganxious,helpless,shameful,
lonely,rageful,orsad,hisfeelingsaren’tlife-threatening.
The goal of teaching Nice Guys to embrace their feelings is not to make
themsoftand«touchy-feely.»
Men who are in touch with their feelings are powerful, assertive, and
energized.ContrarytowhatmanyNiceGuysbelieve,theydon’thavetobecome
morelikewomeninordertohavetheirfeelings.ThisiswhyIsupportmenin
learningabouttheirfeelingsfromothermen.
Whilethereisnoformula,or«right»waytogetreconnectedwithrepressed
feelings,supportgroupscanteach,model,andsupportthisslow,butimportant
process. In a sense, a therapy group can become like a family. In this
environment,recoveringNiceGuyscanaskforthekindofhelpindealingwith
feelings that was never available to them as children. Since feelings are often
messy, a group environment can represent a supportive place to momentarily
feel out of control. Here, recovering Nice Guys find out they won’t fall
overboard and drown if they rock the boat. They also learn that they won’t
shrivelupanddieifsomeoneelsearoundthemhasafeeling.
Feelingsareanintegralpartofhumanexistence.Bylearningthelanguageof
feelings,recoveringNiceGuyscanbegintoletgoofalifetimeofunnecessary
baggage.Astheydo,theyexperienceanewfoundenergy,optimism,intimacy,
andzestforlife.
This reality hit home with me a few years ago in a very unexpected way.
Elizabethcametome one day and revealedthatshe had backed into aparked
car.Shefeltlikeabadlittlechildandwaitedformetoscoldher.EvenbeforeI
hadachancetorespond,shebegantoputupawallandwithdrawasawayof
protectingherself.
I got angry —not about the car, but about the manner in which she was
pushingmeaway.Iexpressedmyfeelingsclearlyanddirectly.Withoutshaming
orattackingIsaid«Stop.»Withanintensityofemotionthatsurprisedbothofus,
IletherknowthatIwasn’tpushingherawayandIwasn’tgoingtoaccepther
pushingmeaway.ItoldherthatIdidhavefeelingsaboutthecar,butIhadeven
strongerfeelingsabouthowshewasacting.Isaid,«Justletmehavemyfeelings
aboutthecar,andthenwe’llworkitout.»
Later,Elizabethrevealedtome(andseveralofherfriends)howmuchsafer
shefeltwhenIhadmyfeelings.ShewasabletohearthatIwasupsetaboutthe
carbutthatIdidn’tthinkshewasbadandIwasn’tgoingtoabandonher.The
factthatIhadsuchintensityaboutnotlettingherpushmeawayactuallymade
herfeelsecureandloved.Asaresult,shefeltsafetostayconnectedtomeand
hear my feelings about the car. The whole incident brought us closer and has
sinceprovidedareferencepointforthehealingpowerofexpressingemotionsin
powerfulanddirectways.
BreakingFreeActivity#20
Someguidelinesaboutexpressingfeelings.
Don’tfocusontheotherperson,«Youaremakingmemad.»
Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: «I am feeling
angry.»
Don’tusefeelingwordstodescribewhatyouarethinking,asin«Ifeellike
Joewastryingtotakeadvantageofme.»
Instead,payattentiontowhatyouareexperiencinginyourbody:«I’m
feelinghelplessandfrightened.»
Ingeneral,trytobeginfeelingstatementswith«I»,ratherthan«you.»
Trytoavoidthecrutchofsaying«Ifeellike.»Asin«Ifeellikeyouare
beingmeantome.»
FacingFearsHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Fear is a normal part of human experience. Everyone experiences fear, even
thosepeoplewhoseemtobefearless.Healthyfearisawarningsignthatdanger
maybeapproaching.ThisisdifferentfromthefearNiceGuysexperienceona
dailybasis.
ForNiceGuys,fearisrecordedatthecellularlevel.Itisamemoryofevery
seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of
absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs
met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that
discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality
thatlifeismessyandchaoticandanykindofchangepromisesajourneyintothe
unknown.Icallthiskindoffear,MemoryFear.
Becauseofthememoryfearcreatedinchildhood,NiceGuysstillapproach
theworldasifitisdangerousandoverpowering.To cope with these realities,
NiceGuystypicallyhunkerdownandplayitsafe.
Asaconsequenceofplayingitsafe,NiceGuysexperiencealotofneedless
suffering.
Sufferingbecausetheyavoidnewsituations.
Sufferingbecausetheystaywiththefamiliar.
Sufferingbecausetheyprocrastinate,avoid,andfailtofinishwhattheystart.
Sufferingbecausetheymakeabadsituationworsebydoingmoreofwhathas
neverworkedinthepast.
Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the
uncontrollable.
Nolan is a good example of the paralyzing effect of memory fear. Nolan
cametoseemeontherecommendationofafriend.Hehadbeenseparatedfrom
hiswifeforayearbutwashavingadifficulttimemakingafinaldecisionabout
gettingdivorced.
Nolanfrequentlytoldmehewas«confused.»Thisconfusionwasmixedwith
astrongdoseofguilt.
Nolan constantly weighed all the issues. What if he left his wife and later
realizedthatitwasamistake?
Whatifhemesseduphiskids'lives?Whatifhischildrenneverwantedto
talktohimagain?Whatifhisfriendsthoughthewasbad?WhatifGodsenthim
to hell? As long as Nolan stayed «confused» about what he should do, he
remainedparalyzed.
WhenItoldNolanthatIdidn’tthinkhewasconfusedbutthathewasafraid,
hewasinitiallydefensive.
Hedidn’tlikeseeinghimselfasbeingfearful.Asweexploredthememory
fearfromhischildhood,hecametorealizethatanymistakeshemadeasachild
seemedtohaveeverlastingconsequences.Hebelievedthesamewouldbetruein
hispresentsituation.
Behind Nolan’s fear of making a decision was the childhood fear that he
wouldn’tbeabletohandlewhateverhappened.Togetherwebrainstormedallthe
possibleconsequencesofdivorcinghiswife.
Behind each potential consequence was the unconscious belief that he
wouldn’tbeabletohandleit.
IsentNolanhomewithhislistoffearsalongwithamoreaccuratestatement
about each: No matter what happened, he would handle it. The following
week,Nolanproudlyannouncedthathehadcontactedanattorney.Eventhough
hefelttremendousfearandanxiety,hefoundcourageinrepeatinghisnewfound
mantra:«Icanhandleit.»
Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every
timetheNiceGuyconfrontsafear,heunconsciouslycreatesabeliefthathecan
handle whatever it is he is afraid of. This challenges his memory fear.
Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less
threatening.
Asthesethingsseemlessfrightening,hefeelsmoreconfidentinconfronting
them.Themorethisconfidencegrows,thelessthreateninglifeseems.
BreakingFreeActivity#21
List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to
confrontthe fear, begin repeatingto yourself, «I can handle it. No matter
whathappens,Iwillhandleit.»Keeprepeatingthismantrauntilyoutake
actionandstopfeelingfear.
DevelopingIntegrityHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality,
Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or
withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest
people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding
thetruthrobsNiceGuysoftheirpersonalpower.
Idefinelyingasanythinglessthanthetruth.Thismayseemevidenttomost
people, but it is important to define «lying,» and «telling the truth,» because
NiceGuysare adept at creating definitionsthatjustifytheirbehavior. It is not
unusualtohearthemmakestatementslike«I’mprettyhonest»or«I’mhonest
mostofthetime»withouttheslightestawarenessoftheircontradictionofterms.
Inalmostachildlikemanner,NiceGuyswilloftenofferthefollowingdefense:
«Ididn’tlie,Ijustdidn’ttelleverything.»
Joelwastheownerofasuccessfulconstructioncompany.Onoccasion,he
would leave work a little early and catch an afternoon movie before heading
home. Because he feared his wife’s disapproval, he would refrain from telling
her how he spent those afternoons. He would always have some cover story
readyincaseshetriedtocallhimwhilehewasout.Theironyofthesituationis
thattherewasabsolutelynoreasonforJoeltolietohiswife.Inspiteofallthe
effortJoelputintohidingthetruthofhiswhereabouts,itnevercrossedhismind
that he was lying to himself and to his wife. The bottom line was that Joel’s
lyingperpetuatedafear-basedrelationshipwithhiswifeandrobbedhimofhis
personalpower.
When Nice Guys are learning to tell the truth I encourage them to pay
attentionto the things they least want othersto know,what they least want to
reveal.Thesearethethingstheyaremostlikelytoholdback—andthethings
they most need to tell. Sometimes they have to practice telling a certain truth
severaltimesuntilallofthesepiecesofinformationgettold.
Sometimes after telling the truth, Nice Guys will report that it was a
«mistake»becausesomeonereactedwithanger.Tellingthetruthisnotamagic
formulaforhavingasmoothlife.Butlivingalifeofintegrityisactuallyeasier
thanlivingonebuiltarounddeceitanddistortion.
Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy
Syndrome.
Mydefinitionofintegrityis«decidingwhatfeelsrightanddoingit.»
Thealternativeisusingthe«committeeapproach.»Thismethodofdecision-
makingandactingisbasedontryingtoguesswhateveryoneelsewouldthinkis
right.Followingthiscommitteeapproachisthequickestpathtoconfusion,fear,
powerlessness,anddishonesty.
When applying the definition above, there are two ways to be out of
integrity,butonlyonewaytobeinit.WhenaNiceGuyneverevenbothersto
askhimself,«WhatdoIthinkisright?»orusesthecommitteemethod,hewill
alwaysbeoutofintegrity.Ifheaskshimselfwhathebelievesisrightbutdoesn’t
doit,heisalsooutofintegrity.Onlybyaskinghimselfwhathebelievesisright
andthendoingitdoeshebecomeamanofintegrity.
BreakingFreeActivity#22
Chooseoneareainwhichyouhavebeenoutofintegrity.Identifyyourfear
that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this
situationtoasafeperson.Thengoandtellthetruthordowhatyouhaveto
dotomakethesituationright.Tellyourselfyoucanhandleit.Sincetelling
the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone
involvedwillsurvivethiscrisis.
SettingBoundariesHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirPersonalPower
Boundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice
Guys to stop feeling like helpless victims and reclaim their personal power.
BoundarysettingisoneofthemostfundamentalskillsIteachtorecoveringNice
Guys.
I demonstrate the concept of boundaries by laying a shoestring on the
ground.ItelltheNiceGuythatIamgoingtocrosshisboundaryandpushhim
backwards.Iinstructhimtostopmewhenhebeginstofeeluncomfortable.Itis
not unusual for a Nice Guy to stand well back from the line, allowing me to
violate his space several steps before he even begins to respond. Once I start
pushing, it’s not uncommon for a Nice Guy to let me push him back several
steps before he does anything to stop me. Sometimes a Nice Guy will let me
pushhimallthewaytothewall.
Iusethisexerciseasagraphicdemonstrationoftheneedforboundariesin
allareasoflife.NiceGuysareusuallymorecomfortableback-pedaling,giving
in,andkeepingthepeace.Theybelieveiftheytakeonemorestepbackward,the
otherpersonwillquitpushing,andtheneverythingwillbesmooth.
ItisnotunusualforrecoveringNiceGuystogoalittleoverboardwhenthey
first learn about boundary setting. They have a tendency to swing from one
extreme to another. They become Kamikaze boundary setters. They try to set
boundaries with a sledge hammer or machete. They usually learn in time that
theyonlyhavetouseasmuchresistanceasnecessarytogetthejobdone.
Intime,theyalsolearnthatboundarysettingisn’taboutgettingotherpeople
to be different, but about getting themselves to be different. If someone is
crossingtheirboundary,itisn’ttheotherperson’sproblem,itistheirs.
Becauseofmemoryfear,NiceGuysoftenunconsciouslyreinforcethevery
behaviors they find intolerable. Due to their childhood conditioning, they
teachthepeoplearoundthemthattheywillaccepthavingtheirboundaries
violated.AsrecoveringNiceGuysbegintotakeresponsibilityforhowtheylet
peopletreatthem,theirownbehaviorbeginstochange.Astheystopreinforcing
things they aren’t willing to tolerate, the people around them are given the
opportunity to behave differently. This gives relationships a chance to survive
andgrow.
Jake, an enlisted man in his mid-twenties, is a good example of how
toleratingintolerablebehaviorcankillarelationship,andhowsettingboundaries
cangivearelationshipachancetosurvive.
JustpriortohismarriagetohiswifeJenny,Jennyhadanaffairwithanold
boyfriend.BecauseJakedidn’twanttoloseher,heforgaveherandpromisedto
never bring up her infidelity. This established a pattern of Jenny pretty much
doing whatever she wanted while Jake withheld his feelings and walked on
eggshells.Hewouldalwaysmeasurehiswordsinordertoavoidsayinganything
«wrong»thatmightupsether.
Ononeoccasion,whiletheywereoutdrinkingwithsomefriends,Jennygot
drunk.Whenevershehadtoomuchtodrinkshewouldbecomebelligerentand
promiscuous.OnthisoccasionshemadeseveraldemeaningremarkstoJakeand
spentmostoftheeveningslowdancingwithothermeninthebar.
Afterholdinghistongueaslongashecould,JakefinallytoldJennythatshe
wasdrunkandthatitwastimetogohome.Shesworeathimandkeptondoing
whatshewasdoing.Jakeretaliatedbycallinghera«bitch»anddrovehome.
OneofherfriendsbroughtJennyhomethenextmorning.Fortherestofthe
dayshegaveJakethesilenttreatment.Hetriedtoholdout,butafterafewhours
ofmisery,heapologizedforcallingherabitch.
Laterthatweek,hesomewhatreluctantlytalkedabouttheepisodeinhisNo
MoreMr.NiceGuy!group.
The group members lovingly confronted him. They pointed out how his
willingnesstotoleratehiswife’sintolerablebehaviorgaveheralicensetoactin
anywayshepleased.TheytoldJakethattheproblemwasnotJenny,itwashim.
UntilJakechanged,hiswifewouldhavenoincentivetochange.Bynotsetting
boundaries he was robbing his marriage of the opportunity to become what it
couldbe.
The next day, Jake confronted his wife. He acknowledged his role in their
situation. He told her that he was no longer going to tolerate intolerable
behavior.Hetoldherhisboundaries.HewouldnolongertolerateJennydancing
orflirtingwithothermen.Hewouldnottolerateherdemeaninghiminfrontof
theirfriends.Hetoldherthatifshewantedtostaymarriedtohim,shehadtogo
totreatmentforherdrinkingproblem.
JennyrespondedbytellingJakethatnoonewasgoingtotellherwhattodo.
Shepackedabagandmovedoutthatnighttoafriend’shouse.EventhoughJake
wasmiserablethenextfewdays,heresistedthetemptationtocallherandbeg
hertocomeback.Instead,hecalledsomeguysinthegroup.
Threenightslater,Jennycalledandsaidshewantedtotalk.Shecameover
andtoldJakethateventhoughsheinitiallywantedtotellhimtogotohell,she
knewhewasright.Forthefirsttimeintheirmarriage,shesaidshefeltrespect
for him. She said she wanted to save their marriage and was willing to do
whateverittooktomakeitwork.ThefollowingweekJennyenteredtreatment.
BreakingFreeActivity#23
Beforeyoucanstartsettingboundaries,youhavetobecomeawareofhow
muchyoubackupfromyourlinetoavoidconflictortokeepthepeace.For
thenext week, observe yourself. Do yousay«yes»whenyouwouldrather
say «no»? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid
doingsomethingbecausesomeonemightgetupsetatyou?Doyoutolerate
an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these
observationsdownandsharethemwithasafeperson.
TakeAWalkOnTheWildSide
There is no «key» to a smooth life. Being «good» or doing it «right» doesn’t
insulateNiceGuysfromthechaotic,ever-changingrealitiesoflife.AlltheNice
Guyparadigmdoesiscreatewimpymenwhoallowbulliestokicksandintheir
faceorshamethemforloadingthedishwasher«wrong.»
AsrecoveringNiceGuysbegintosurrender,dwellinreality,expresstheir
feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a
powerthatallowsthemtowelcomeandembracethechallengesand«gifts»of
life.Lifeisn’tamerry-go-round,it’sarollercoaster.Astheyreclaimpersonal
power,recoveringNiceGuyscanexperiencetheworldinallofitsserendipitous
beauty.Lifewon’talwaysbesmooth,itmaynotalwaysbepretty,butitwillbe
anadventure—onenottobemissed.
Chapter6
ReclaimYourMasculinity
Contrarytotheprevailing sentiments of the last fewdecades,itis OK to bea
guy.
MenbornafterWorldWarIIhadthemisfortuneofgrowingupduringthe
onlyeraofrecentwesternhistoryinwhichitwasnotalwaysagoodthingtobe
male.Thiswasprimarilytheresultoftwosignificantfamilyandsocialchanges
in the post war era: 1) boys were disconnected from their fathers and other
healthymalerolemodels,and2)boyswereforcedtoseekapprovalfromwomen
andacceptafemaledefinitionofwhatitmeanttobemale.
Asaresultofthesetwodynamics,manyboysandmencametobelievethat
theyhadtohideoreliminateanynegativemaletraits(likethoseoftheirfathers
orother«bad»men)andbecomewhattheybelievedwomenwantedthemtobe.
Formanymen,thislifestrategyseemedessentialiftheywantedtobeloved,get
theirneedsmet,andhaveasmoothlife.
Duetothecontinuingsocialchangeofthelasthalfofthe20thcentury,this
belief system is no longer limited to just men of the baby boom generation. I
frequently observe men in their thirties, twenties, and teens, with strong Nice
Guytraits.Itseemsthateachsuccessivegenerationofmenarebecomingmore
andmorepassive.
ThissocialconditioningeffectsNiceGuysinmanyways:
NiceGuystendtobedisconnectedfromothermen.
NiceGuystendtobedisconnectedfromtheirownmasculinity.
NiceGuystendtobemonogamoustotheirmothers.
NiceGuystendtobedependentontheapprovalofwomen.
NiceGuysTendToBeDisconnectedFromOtherMen.
IfrequentlyhearNiceGuysmakecommentssuchas:
«I’mjustnotcomfortablewithothermen.Idon’tknowwhattotalkabout.»
«Mostmenarejerks.»
«Iusedtohavemalefriends,butmywifemadeitsuchahassletodothings
withthemthatIjustgaveup.»
«Itendtobealoner.»
ManyNiceGuyshavedifficultyconnectingwithmenbecauseofthelimited
positivemalecontacttheyexperiencedinchildhood.Becausethesemendidnot
have a positive bond with their father, they never learned the basic skills
necessarytobuildmeaningfulrelationshipswithmen.
AnothercommontraitamongNiceGuysisthebeliefthattheyaredifferent
fromothermen.This distorted thinking usually began inchildhoodwhen they
triedto be different from their «bad» or unavailablefather.Inadulthood,Nice
Guys often create a similar dynamic with men in general. Nice Guys may
convincethemselvestheyaredifferentfrom(betterthan)othermenbecausethey
believe:
Theyaren’tcontrolling.
Theyaren’tangryandrageful.
Theyaren’tviolent.
Theyareattentivetoawoman’sneeds.
Theyaregoodlovers.
Theyaregoodfathers.
As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are
different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive
benefitsofmalecompanionshipandthepowerofamasculinecommunity.
BreakingFreeActivity#24
Look over the list above. Note the ways you have consciously or
unconsciouslytriedtobedifferentfromyourfatherand/orothermen.How
does the belief that you are different keep you disconnected from other
men?
NiceGuysTendToBeDisconnectedFromTheirMasculinity
Idefinemasculinityasthatpartofamanthatequipshimtosurviveasan
individual,clan,andspecies.Withoutthismasculineenergywewouldhaveall
becomeextincteonsago.Masculinityempowersamantocreateandproduce.It
also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him.
These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion,
persistence,andintegrity.
Masculine energy also represents the potential for aggressiveness,
destructiveness, and brutality. These characteristics frighten Nice Guys —and
mostwomen—thereforeNiceGuysworkespeciallyhardtorepressthesetraits.
MostNiceGuysbelievethatbyrepressingthedarkersideoftheirmasculine
energytheywillwintheapprovalofwomen.Thisseemslogicalconsideringthe
anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s. Ironically,
these same men frequently complain that women seemed to be attracted to
«jerks»ratherthanNiceGuyslikethem.Manywomenhavesharedwithmethat
duetotheabsenceofanydiscerniblelifeenergyinNiceGuys,thereislittleto
beattractedto.Theyalsorevealthattheirtendencytobeattractedto«jerks»is
becausethesemenhavemoreofamasculineedgetothem.
As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also
repressmanyotheraspectsofthismaleenergyforce.Asaresult,theyoftenlose
theirsexualassertiveness,competitiveness,creativity,ego,thirstforexperience,
boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power. Go watch little boys on the
playgroundandyouwillseethesequalities.Iamconvincedthatthesearegood
thingsworthkeeping.
Oneofthemostvisibleconsequencesoftherepressionofmasculineenergy
inNiceGuysistheirlackofleadershipintheirfamilies.Outoffearofupsetting
their girlfriend or wife, or appearing too much like their controlling,
authoritarian,orabusivefathers,NiceGuysfrequentlyfailtobetheleadertheir
family needs. Consequently, the job of leading the family often falls on their
wives.MostofthewomenItalktodon’twantthisjob,butenduptakingitby
default.
NiceGuysTendToBeMonogamousToTheirMothers
Becomingandremainingmonogamoustotheirmothersisacommonpatternfor
Nice Guys. This unconscious bond is the result of a normal childhood
developmentalphenomenongoneamuck.Letmeexplain.
Alllittleboysnaturallyfallinlovewiththeirmotheranddesiretohaveher
alltothemselves.Healthymothersandfathershelptheirsonssuccessfullymove
through this normal developmental stage. As they do, the young boy
individuates from his mother, bonds with men, and becomes available for an
intimaterelationshipwithanotherwomaninadulthood.
Each parent plays a significant role in facilitating this healthy transition.
First, the mother must know how to give enough to meet the child’s needs
withoutcreatingdependency.Shemustalsoknowhowtogetherownneedsmet
sosheisnottemptedtousehersontofillthevoid.Second,thefathermustbe
present and have a healthy bond with his son. This connection helps the little
boymovefromthecozylapofhismothertothechallengingworldofmen.
As stated above, most Nice Guys do not report having had close a
relationship with their father in childhood. As a result, many Nice Guys were
forcedintoanunhealthybondwiththeirmother.Thisbondmighthaveformedif
theyhadtopleaseanangry,critical,orcontrollingmother.Moreoftenthannot,
thebond was the resultof being forced totakecare of aneedy, dependent, or
smotheringmother.
Without a supportive father, these boys had to negotiate an impossible
situationontheirown.
Bothchildhoodsituations—tryingtopleaseanangryorcontrollingmother,
or becoming mother’s little friend— created a dynamic in which Nice Guys
unconsciouslybecamemonogamoustotheirmothersanddidnotindividuateina
healthyway.
WhenaNiceGuyhasbeenconditionedtobemonogamoustohismotherin
childhood, his adult wife or girlfriend will know at some level that he is not
reallyavailable.Thewifeorgirlfriendmaynotconsciouslyconnectthistohis
bondwithhismother,butsheknowssomethingismissing.
Anita, a woman in her late fifties, was married to a man who was
monogamous to his mother. I met Anita when she called and made an
appointmentforindividualcounseling.Shebelievedherhusbandwashavingan
affairandshewantedsomeadvice.Aswebeganoursessionshesatdownonthe
couchandsmilednervously.
«Ifeelsofoolish coming here, but Ijustdon’tknow who to talk to.Ifeel
crazy, because I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary. He
deniesitbutIknowsomethingisgoingon,there’sjusttoomuchevidence.»
Anita’ssmiledisappearedandwasreplacedwithalookofgrief.Shetooka
tissueanddabbedthecornerofhereye.
«Dutton,that’smyhusband,hasbeenthroughsomuchlately.He’sundera
lotofpressureatwork,thingshavebeentightfinancially,andhismotherdied
lastyear.HewasreallyclosetoherandIthinkitwasreallyhardonhim.»
Anitatoldofhersuspicionsofherhusband’sinfidelitybutthencamebackto
thesubjectofhismotheragain.
«IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dsayhisinfatuationwithhissecretarybeganright
after his mother died. It’s like he needed something to fill a hole in his life. I
alwayslikedhismother.Shewasanicelady,butIalwayshadthefeelingthat
Duttonwasmoreconnectedtoherthanhewastome.Isthatcrazy?»sheasked
quizzically.«Tobejealousofyourmotherinlaw?»
IencouragedAnitatotellmemoreaboutDutton’sfamily.
«Other than his father,» She continued, «He believes it was great. That’s
becauseofhismotherofcourse.
She was a real saint. His father was extremely harsh with the kids. Their
momwastheonetheyturnedtofornurturing.Shewasreallygoodatlistening
andbeingthereforthem.»
Anita seemed relieved to be able to talk about something besides her
suspicionsofherhusband.
«Before she died, Dutton paid for them to get carpet in their house and
boughtthemtwonicerecliningchairsbecauseheknewhisfatherneverwould.
Heusedtodriveherplacesbecauseheknewhisfatherwouldn’t.Hetreatedhis
motherrealspecial—Ithinktomakeupforwhatshehadtogothroughliving
with his dad. One time I was angry at him and I accused him of treating his
motherbetterthanhetreatedme.Heblewup.»Anitamadeanexplosiongesture
withherarms.«Hetoldmetoneversaythatagain.
Hedidn’ttalktomefortwoweeksafterthat.Ilearnednottobringupthat
subject.»
Anita paused for moment. «Do you think there could be any connection
between his mom dying and him having an affair? They loved each other so
much.Maybehissecretaryfillsthatvoid.Doesthatsoundcrazytoyou?»
NiceGuysTendToSeekTheApprovalOfWomen
Duetotheirfamilyandsocialconditioning,NiceGuystendtoseektheapproval
women.Evenastheyaretryingtobecomewhattheybelievewomenwantthem
tobeanddoingwhattheybelievewomenwantthemtodo,NiceGuystendto
experience tremendous frustration in gaining the approval they so intensely
desire.
Thisfrustrationisdueto therealitythat ingeneral,womenviewmenwho
trytopleasethemasweakandholdthesemenincontempt.Mostwomendonot
want a man who tries to please them —they want a man who knows how to
please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a
passive,pleasingwimp.Theywantaman—someonewithhisballsstillintact.
GettingYourTesticlesBack
Avoiding relationships with men and seeking the approval of women prevents
NiceGuysfromgettingwhattheyreallywantinloveandlife.Inordertoreverse
the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome Nice Guys have to reclaim their
masculinity.Theprocessinvolvescomingtobelievethatitreallyisagoodthing
to be a man and embracing all of their masculine traits. Reclaiming one’s
masculinityinvolves:
Connectingwithothermen.
Gettingstrong.
Findinghealthymalerolemodels.
Reexaminingone’srelationshipwithone’sfather.
ConnectingWithMenHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirMasculinity
Connecting with men is essential for reclaiming masculinity. Building
relationships with men requires a conscious effort. This process begins with a
commitment to develop male friendships. In order to do this, recovering Nice
Guysmustbewillingtomakethetime,takerisks,andbevulnerable.Formost
Nice Guys, time seems to be a big factor that keeps them disconnected from
men.Ittakestimetotalkwithaneighbor,callupafriend,orgotoaballgame.
Since many Nice Guys are enmeshed with their wives, families, or work, this
meanstakingtimeawayfromthesethings.
Connectingwithmeninvolvesdoingguythingswithguys.Thereisnoright
waytodothis,butitcanincludejoiningateam,goingtosportingevents,joining
aprayerordiscussiongroup,havingapokernight,doingvolunteerwork,going
fishing,goingforarun,orjusthangingout.
AlanisanexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuymakes
the decision to connect with men. Alan had a difficult time doing things for
himself,especiallywithothermen. When he madeaconscious effort to begin
addressingthisissuehehadto firsttakea lookatwhatkept himdisconnected
frommenandwhathecoulddotostartchangingthepattern.
One of the first things Alan did was to join a men’s therapy group. Even
then,ittookmorethanayearbeforehebegandoingthingswiththemenoutside
of the group. As he did, these men were able to give him feedback about his
defense mechanisms that kept him isolated. These men also supported him in
changingthewaysherelatedtohiswife.
Alan also joined a health club where he started playing volleyball and
racquetballwithothermen.Later,hetooktheleadinstartingupasoftballteam.
Atfirstitwasdifficulttotaketimeoutjustforhimself,especiallywhenitmeant
beingawayfromhisfamily.
Ittookafewyears,butAlannowhasacoupleofclosemalefriendsaswell
asseveralotherguysheseesonaregularbasis.Heeventakesayearlyroadtrip
withfriendsacrossthecountryforaweekendofgolf.
Helooksatthesetripswiththeguysasoneofthehighlightsofhisyear.
BothAlanandhiswifeMariebelieveAlan’sconsciousdecisiontoconnect
withmensavedtheirmarriage.Alanhadmadehiswifehisemotionalcenter.His
life revolved around trying to please her and make her happy. Due to his
ineffectivecovertcontracts,AlanneverbelievedMariegaveasmuchtohimas
hegavetoher.Asaresult,hewasoftenresentfulandpassive-aggressive.When
Alanbegantogethisemotionalandsocialneedsmetwithmen,ittookalotof
pressureoffhiswife.
As Alan reclaimed his masculine energy, he also began to look more
attractivetoMarie.Eventhoughitwasinitiallydifficulttotellherthathewas
going to spend time with his friends, she respected him when he did. This
newfoundrespectrekindledthefeelingsshefirstfelttowardAlanearlyintheir
relationship.
As Alan found out, there are numerous benefits from developing male
relationships.PerhapsoneofthemostsignificantbenefitsforNiceGuysisthatit
improves their relationships with women. I consistently tell Nice Guys, «The
bestthingyoucandoforyourrelationshipwithyourgirlfriendorwifeistohave
male friends.» As they get many of their emotional needs met with men,
recoveringNiceGuysbecomelessdependent,needy,manipulativeandresentful
intheirrelationshipswithwomen.
DevelopingmalerelationshipsmakesrecoveringNiceGuyslesssusceptible
to seeking women’s approval or allowing themselves to be defined by the
oppositesex.IftheNiceGuy’sgirlfriendorwifeisangryathimorthinksheisa
jerk,hecantakecomfortinknowinghisbuddiesthinkheisOK.Heistherefore
less likely to resort to peacekeeping or fixing to try and keep his wife or
girlfriendhappy.
Friendshipswithmenhavethepotentialfortremendousdepthandintimacy
because there is no sexual agenda. A Nice Guy will frequently avoid doing
anythingthatmightupsethiswifeorgirlfriendandcausehertonotwanttohave
sex with him. With men, recovering Nice Guys don’t feel like they have to
please, placate, lie, caretake or sacrifice like they believe they have to with
women.Nothavingasexualagendaremovesthefearanddysfunctionaldances
socommonforNiceGuysintheirrelationshipswiththeoppositesex.
BreakingTheMonogamousBondToMom
DevelopingmalerelationshipshelpsundoaNiceGuy’smonogamousbondwith
hismother.Littleboysgetpulledintounhealthyrelationshipswiththeirmothers
only when their fathers allow it. The solution to reversing this dynamic is
creatinghealthyrelationshipswithmen.
When my daughter Jamie was 18, she had a boyfriend who had been
conditioned to be monogamous to his mother. The boy’s father frequently
traveled for his job, was emotionally unavailable, rigid, and demanding. The
boy’smothersmotheredhersonandmadehimheremotionalpartner.
On several occasions, Jamie felt as if she were competing with her
boyfriend’s mother for his attention and affection. Unfortunately, since the
mother had first dibs on him, she usually won. It felt strange to Jamie to be
jealous of and in competition with her boyfriend’s mother. Nevertheless, she
passedthesituationoffasjustacaseofherboyfriendandhismotherhavinga
very«close»relationship.
OneFridaynight,JamieandIwentoutfordinner.Whileweate,sheshared
herfrustrationofhavingtocompetewithherboyfriend’smother,especiallynow
thathehadjoinedtheMarinesandwasawayatbootcamp.Iempathizedwith
mydaughterandsharedthefactsoflifewithher.
«YourboyfriendisaclassicNiceGuy,»Itoldher.«Hehasbeenconditioned
tobemonogamoustohismother.Unfortunately,thatmeansthathewillnever
reallybeabletobondcompletelywithyou.
Somethingwillalwaysgetintheway.Youmaybetemptedtofocusonthat
thing,asifitistheproblem.
Buttherealproblemishisrelationshipwithhismother.»
Jamie wasn’t thrilled with what I told her, but for an 18-year-old she was
pretty intuitive and knew what I was saying was true. She even shared a few
examplesofthewaysshehadalreadyseenthishappen.
«Isthereanyhope?»Jamieasked.«Canheeverbreakfreefromhismother
andbecomeavailableforme?»
«Yes,» I said, «there is one hope. He has to learn to connect with men in
waysthathecouldn’twithhisfather.Ithinkitisagoodthing,»Itoldher,«that
heisintheMarinesandconnectingwithmen.Youcansupportthattoo.Ifyou
twocontinuedatingorevenmarry,encouragehisrelationshipswithmen.They
are the one hope you have of him breaking his monogamous bond with his
mother.»
A month or so later, Jamie flew down to San Diego with her boyfriend’s
parents to attend his graduation from boot camp. As usual, his mother acted
possessive and territorial. Amazingly, Jamie noticed a difference in her
boyfriend.Onseveraloccasions,hesetboundarieswithhismotherandrefused
to let her hook an emotional hose up to him. Jamie could tell that this was
primarily the result of her boyfriend having bonded with several guys in boot
campandfromembracinghisownmasculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#25
List three men whom you would like to get to know better. Next to each
man’snamelistapossibleactivityyoucoulddotogether.Nexttothis,write
downadateandmakeacommitmenttocontacthimbythisday.
GettingStrongHelpsNiceGuysReclaimTheirMasculinity
Masculinity denotes strength and power. Because of their conditioning, Nice
Guys tend to fear these traits. As a result, they often become emotionally and
physicallysoft.Someeventakeprideinthissoftness.I’vemetmanyNiceGuys
whoworkoutorpracticemartialarts,butwhoarestillafraidoftheirstrength.
Embracing one’s masculinity mean’s embracing one’s body, power, and
spaciousness.Inordertodothis,recoveringNiceGuyshavetostopputtingjunk
into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being
male.Thisinvolveseatinghealthyfoods,eliminatingdrugsandalcohol,working
out,drinkinglotsofwater,playing,relaxing,andgettingenoughrest.Whether
the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts,
playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into
self-confidenceandpowerineveryotheraspectofhislife.
Travis,anattorneyinhisearlyfiftiesisagoodexample.Traviscametosee
me to deal with his marital difficulties. During the first session of counseling,
two things became immediately evident: First, Travis was a Nice Guy, and
second,hehadadrugandalcoholproblem.ItoldhimIwouldworkwithhim
onlyifhegotadrugandalcoholassessment,quitdrinking,andstartedattending
AlcoholicsAnonymous.
Traviscompliedwithallmyboundariesandaskedifhecouldjoinoneofthe
NoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groups.
Overthenextseveralmonths,Travis’srelationshipwithhiswifewasupand
downlikeayo-yo.Inadditiontomaritalproblems,italsobecameapparentthat
Travishadanumberofotherlifestyleproblems.Hisdietconsistedprimarilyof
fastfood.Hewasachainsmokerandhedrankseveralcupsofcoffeeaday.He
workedlonghoursandgotabsolutelynoexercise.
Overthenextseveralmonths,Travisbegantoaddresstheseissuesoneata
time.HestartedtakingtimeawayfromworktoattendAAmeetingsandspend
time with other recovering men. He decided to have a surgery he had been
putting off for years. Since he wouldn’t be able to smoke for a few days, he
decideditwasagoodtimetoquitforgood.Afterhissurgery,hebegangoingfor
walksduringhislunchhour.
He started drinking more water and cut back on his coffee and soft drink
consumption.Heeventookaweekofffromworkandwentfishingwithsome
friendsinAlaska.
About 10 months after joining the Nice Guy group, he shared that he was
filingfordivorce.Withhislifestylechangesandthesupportofthegrouphehad
come to realize that his combative relationship with his wife was his last bad
habitthatneededtogo.Whilerelayinghisdecisiontothegroup,herevealedthat
his wife blamed the group for killing their marriage. Travis smiled and then
wipedatearfromthecornerofhiseye.«Thankstothisgroup,Ifeelstrong.I
nevercouldhavemadethesechangeswithoutyourhelp.Thisgroupdidn’tkill
mymarriage,itsavedmylife.»
BreakingFreeActivity#26
Identifythreewaysinwhichyouneglectyourbody.Writedownthreeways
inwhichyoucanstarttakingbettercareofyourself.
Seeking Out Healthy Role Models Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their
Masculinity
Iencourage recovering Nice Guys to visualize what they think ahealthy male
wouldlooklikeandthinkofhealthymasculinetraitstheywouldliketodevelop.
With that picture in mind, they can go out and look for men who have these
kinds of qualities. These men may be in their church, their company, their
softball team, even characters on TV or the movies. By observing how these
men live their lives and interact with the world, the Nice Guy can begin
assimilatingahealthiermodelofmanhood.
Like many recovering Nice Guys, I have done this work by committee. I
developed a friendship with one man who was good at doing guy things. I
formed a relationship with another guy who was a hard worker. I created a
relationshipwithamanwhowascomfortablerevealinghimselfandsharinghis
feelings. I made another friend who was good at taking risks and challenging
himself.Eachofthesemenintheirownwayhelpedmeseewhatitlooksliketo
bemaleandhavebeenrolemodelsforreclaimingmyownmasculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#27
Visualizewhatyouthinkahealthymalewouldlooklike.Whatpersonality
traitswouldheposses?
Write these down. Do you know anyone who has a number of these
traits?Howcouldyouusethispersonasahealthyrolemodel?
Reexamining Their Relationship With Their Father Helps Nice Guys
ReclaimTheirMasculinity
As I’ve mentioned before, most Nice Guys do not report having had a close
relationship with their father in childhood. Either their fathers were passive,
unavailable,absent,ordefinedinsomenegativeway.
Reclaiming their masculinity requires that Nice Guys examine their
relationshipswiththeirfathersandtakealookatthemthroughadulteyes.
Matthew, a computer programmer in his mid-forties is a good example of
this process. On one occasion in a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Matthew
statedthathehadnointentionofattendinghisfather’sfuneralifheshoulddie.
Monthslater,afterexploringhisrelationshipwithhisfatheringroup,hedecided
tocallandconfronthisdadwhenhedidn’tgetinvitedtoafamilyfunction.
Matt’smother hadalwaysportrayedhis dadasavillainwhile representing
herself as a victim. While talking with his father, Matthew came to the
realizationthateventhoughhisdadhadproblems,hewasn’tbadlikehismother
hadmadehimouttobe.Fromthisencounter,Matthewalsorealizedthathehad
createdasimilarscenariowithhiswifeinwhichheidentifiedherasthevillain
and himself as the victim. Not only did that phone call to his father begin to
changehisrelationshipwithhisdad,butalsowithhiswife.
For Nice Guys, reexamining their relationship with their fathers means
seeingtheirdadsthroughtheirowneyesastheyreallyare.Itmeanstakingthem
outofthegutteroroffthepedestal.ThismayrequirethatNiceGuysholdthem
accountablebyexpressingtheirfeelingstothem—includingrageandanger.
Thisisessential,evenifthesemenaredead.Sometimesthistakesplacein
their fathers' presence, sometimes not. It’s not so important that the father is
availabletodothiswork.WhatisessentialisthatrecoveringNiceGuysembrace
themaleheritagetheyandtheirfathersshare.
Thegoalistofindawaytoviewfathersmoreaccurately.RecoveringNice
Guys can begin to accept these men for who they were and are —wounded
humanbeings.ThisshiftisessentialifNiceGuysaregoingtoviewthemselves
more accurately, accept themselves for who they are, and reclaim their
masculinity.
BreakingFreeActivity#28
Embracing masculinity involves coming to see Dad more accurately. To
facilitate this process, create a list. On the left side, list a number of your
father’scharacteristics.Writetheoppositecharacteristicontherightside.
Indicatewhereonthespectrumbetweenthetwothatyouseeyourself.
WhenrecoveringNiceGuysdothisexercisetheyareoftensurprisedat
whattheydiscoverabouttheirfathersandthemselves.
Theyoftensee how they have madetheirfathersinto a caricature —a
distortionofwhotheyreallyare.
They may realize that if the man they have become is based on a
reaction to how they saw their fathers, they too have become caricatures.
Remember,theoppositeofcrazyisstillcrazy.
TheyrealizethatiftheirlivesareareactiontoDad,thenDadisstillin
control.
They discover that they can be different from Dad without being the
opposite.
Theyoftencome to realize that they havemore traits in common with
theirfathersthantheyhadpreviouslyrealizedorwantedtoaccept.
PassingTheBenefitsofMasculinityOnToTheNextGeneration
Part1:SnakesAndSnails
AsI work to raisemysons I realizethattheyare growing upina world very
much like the one that created my generation of Nice Guys. Boys are
disconnectedfrommenandaredependentongainingtheapprovalofwomen.
Thiswasbroughthometomeacoupleofyearsbackwhenourfamilymoved
toanewhome,thesummerbeforemysonSteveenteredthefourthgrade.When
I attended his PTA open house I was jolted with a dose of reality. In
kindergartenthroughfifthgrade,therewasonlyonemaleclassroomteacherin
thewholeschool.That’sabouta20-to-1ratio.Astheteacherswereintroduceda
grade at a time and then stood together on the gym floor, I received a visual
picture of the environment in which little boys spend the most impressionable
yearsoftheirlives.
AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ihaveauniquechancetopassanewmodelof
masculinitynotonlytomysonsanddaughter,buttoawholegenerationofboys
andgirls.ThemoretimeIspendworkingwithNiceGuys,themoreIrealizethat
this process represents a powerful tool for giving the next generation a saner
modelofwhatitmeanstobemenandwomen.
Unfortunately, our culture provides few rituals in which adult males help
boysleavethecomfortofanurseryruledbywomen(home,preschool,school)
andenter theworldofadultmanhood. RobertBlydiscussestheimportanceof
theseritualsinhisbookIronJohn.
In«primitive»societies,Blywrites,theboysareprettymuchraisedbythe
womenuntilearlyadolescence.Whenitistimefortheboystoleavethesphere
offemaleinfluenceandmoveintothemen’sworld,themenofthetribestagea
raid.Theyputontheirwarpaint,enterthevillage,andstealtheboysaway.The
women,oncue,weep,protest,anddotheirbesttohangontotheboys.Afterthe
men have taken the boys outside the village for their period of initiation, the
womengettogetherandask,
«HowdidI do? Was I believable?»Inthesecultures, the men and women
worktogethertofacilitatethisprocessoftransitionandinitiation.
Thesedays,boystrytomakethistransitionfromaworldruledbywomen,
buttheycan’tdoitontheirown.Ihaveatheorythatthephasethatadolescent
boys pass through where they dress sloppily, look scraggly, act aggressively,
hole up in their room, slouch, play loud music, swear, and spit a lot, are all
unconsciouslyaimedatmakingthemselvessorepulsivethateventheirmothers
can’tstandthem.Thishelpsthembreakthesymbioticbondswiththeirmoms.
Nevertheless,theseyoungmenstillneedhelpfromadultmalesinpullingaway
from their mothers without feeling guilt and shame and without overly self-
destructivebehaviors.
IbelieverecoveringNiceGuyscanhelpboysfindasanermodelofwhatit
meanstobemaleinourculture.Thisisbecausetherearecertainthingsthatboys
can only learn from men. As Nice Guys embrace their masculinity, they can
teach their sons what it means to be male. This includes how to handle their
aggression, how to handle their libido, how to relate to women, how to bond
with a man, and perhaps most importantly, how to embrace their own
masculinity.Men teach these lessons bothby example and by interaction with
youngboys.
AsarecoveringNiceGuy,Ialsobenefitfrombeingwithmyadolescentsons
andtheirfriends.WhenI’maroundmyboys,Igettoseeunbridledmalenessin
action. Not only do I get to teach my sons how to handle their testosterone-
related behaviors such as aggression and sexuality, they also show me how to
embracemine.
This reciprocal process requires time and interaction. Fathers need to take
theirsonshuntingandfishing,workoncarswiththem,takethemtowork,coach
theirteams,takethemtoballgames,workoutwiththem,takethemonbusiness
trips,andletthemtagalongwiththemwhentheygooutwiththeguys.Allof
theseactivitieshelpboysmovesuccessfullyintothemaleworld.
Thisprocessisnotjustlimitedtoaman’sbiologicalsons.NiceGuyscanget
involved with young relatives, scouts, sports teams, school activities, or big
brothers.
Trey, a single man in his late thirties, illustrates the power of this male
influence.Onenightinhismen’sgroup,Treytalkedabouthisnephewwhowas
being raised by Trey’s sister, a single mother. Trey had strong feelings about
whatwashappeningtohisnephewbecausetheboywasgoingthroughsomeof
thesamerebellionandactingoutwithalcoholthatTreyhadexperiencedatthe
same age. The group encouraged Trey to reach out to his nephew and be a
positivemaleinfluence.
Thenext weekingroup,Treywasbeaming.He toldhowhehad takenhis
nephew to the hardware store and how the two of them had put together a
workbench.Hisnephewwasthrilledwiththemalecontact.
Treycameawaywithafeelingthathehaddonesomethingpositivetohelp
changethedirectionofastrugglingyoungboy.
BreakingFreeActivity#29
Howcanyouprovideahealthymalesupportsystemfortheboysandyoung
menyouknow?Listthreeboysalongwithanactivityyoucanparticipatein
withthem.
PassingTheBenefitsOn
Part2:SugarAndSpice
Littlegirlscanbenefitfromthisreclaimedmasculineenergyaswell.Themenin
one of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups showed me the benefits of male
energyonayounggirlinapowerfulway.Oneofthemembers,LeMar,hada
12-year-old daughter with bone cancer. She had to have a leg removed and
undergochemotherapyandradiation.Asaresult,shehadspentcountlessdays
andnightsinahospitalbed.OneFridayevening,whileLeMarwassittingatthe
hospital with his daughter, the members of his men’s group showed up
unexpectedlytotakehimouttodinner.
InadditiontoprovidingmasculinesupportforLeMarduringadifficulttime,
the men also produced an unexpected dividend. Energized by their presence,
LeMar’s daughter sat up and received hugs from each guy. That night she
neededlessmedicationandsleptbetterthanshehadinweeks.Thenextday,all
shecouldtalkaboutwas«herguys»whohadcometovisitherthenightbefore.
RecoveringNiceGuyscanshowtheirdaughterswhatarealmanlookslike.
Girls benefit by seeing their father set boundaries, ask for what they want in
clearanddirectways,workhard,create,produce,havemalefriends,andmake
theirownneedsapriority.Aswithlittleboys,girlscanlearnwhatitmeanstobe
malebothbywatchingtheirfathersandbyinteractingwiththem.Thismodeling
willhaveapositiveinfluenceontheirchoiceoffuturewifeorgirlfriend.
ANo-LoseSituation
AsNiceGuysreclaimtheirmasculineenergy,everyonewins.Notonlydoesthe
recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his
relationships with women grow too. Perhaps most significantly, a whole new
generation of boys and girls reap the benefits of seeing what a healthy male
reallylookslike.
Chapter7
GetTheLoveYouWant:
SuccessStrategiesForIntimateRelationships
«I’mavictimofherdysfunction.»
Karl,asuccessfulbusinessmaninhismid-thirties,beganhisfirstcounseling
session with the preceding analysis of his relationship with his wife Danita.
Thoughoversix-foot-twoandprofessionallydressedinadarksuitandtie,Karl
looked like a little boy sitting on the sofa in my office. Karl’s frustration and
helplessnessregardinghismostintimaterelationshipwasunmistakable.
AsKarlcontinuedtotalkabouthismarriage,itbecameapparentthathewas
intimidatedbyhiswifeDanita.Heclaimedshewas«angryallthetime.»When
talkingaboutherheusedadjectiveslike«relentless»and«steamroller.»Because
ofhisfearofheranger,heliedtoherandavoidedinteractingwithher.
«Inmanyways,»Karlrevealed,«Danitaisjustlikemymother.Therewas
justnopleasingMom.Ilearnedtojustavoidherandtuneheroutwhenshewas
bitching.Igotreallygood at lying and hidingwhatIdidn’t want her to know
about.IguessI’mstillprettygoodatthattoday.»
AsKarlbroughtthediscussionbacktothepresent,herevealed,«Everyother
areaofmylifeisgreat.Ifitwasn’tforDanita,mylifewouldbeperfect.Ijust
don’tthinksheknowshowtobehappy.»
IntimateStrangers
Ingeneral,Nice Guys end up in my office for one of tworeasons.Sometimes
some hidden behavior —an affair, surfing for pornography on the Internet,
smokingpot—hasblownupintheirfaceandcreatedacrisiswiththeirwifeor
girlfriend.Moreoften,theircalltoatherapistismotivatedbysomeproblemor
dissatisfactionintheirmostintimaterelationship;theirwifeorgirlfrienddoesn’t
want to have sex as often as they do, she is depressed, angry, unavailable, or
unfaithful(oralloftheabove).
Thesemenusuallybelievethereisasimpleanswertotheirproblem.Some
ofthemaresureeverythingwillbeOKiftheycanjuststopdoingthatonething
that keeps making their wife or girlfriend so angry. The rest of them are
convincedthatiftheycangettheirwifeorgirlfriendtochange,thenlifewillbe
great.
Intimaterelationshipsareoftenanareaofgreatfrustrationandbewilderment
forNiceGuys.
MostNiceGuysprofessagreatdesireforintimacyandhappinesswiththeir
significantother.
Nevertheless, intimacy represents an enigmatic riddle for the majority of
thesemen.
Here is what I have concluded after several years of observing countless
NiceGuys:EventhoughNiceGuysoftenprofessadeepdesiretobeintimately
connectedwithanotherindividual,theirinternalizedtoxicshameandchildhood
survivalmechanismsmakesuchconnectionsdifficultandproblematic.
WhyNiceGuysStruggleToGetTheLoveTheyWant
ThereareanumberofreasonswhyNiceGuyshavedifficultygettingthelove
theywant.Theseinclude:
Theirtoxicshame.
Thedysfunctionalrelationshipstheyco-create.
Theirpatternsofenmeshmentandavoidance.
Thefamiliarchildhoodrelationshipdynamicstheyrecreate.
Theirunconsciousneedtoremainmonogamoustotheirmother.
Theyare«badenders».
ToxicShamePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
Intimacy implies vulnerability. I define intimacy as «knowing the self, being
knownbyanother,andknowinganother.»Intimacyrequirestwopeoplewhoare
willing to courageously look inward and make themselves totally visible to
another. Internalized toxic shame makes this kind of exposure feel life-
threateningforNiceGuys.
Intimacy,byitsnature,wouldrequiretheNiceGuytolookintotheabyssof
his most inner self and allow others to peer into these same places. It would
requiretheNiceGuytoletsomeonegetcloseenoughtoseeintoallthenooks
andcranniesofhissoul.ThisterrifiesNiceGuys,becausebeingknownmeans
beingfoundout.AllNiceGuyshaveworkedtheirentirelivestobecomewhat
theybelieveotherswantthemtobewhiletryingtohidetheirperceivedflaws.
ThedemandsofintimacyrepresenteverythingNiceGuysfearmost.
Co-Creating Dysfunctional Relationships Prevents Nice Guys From
GettingTheLoveTheyWant>
TheNiceGuy’songoingattempttohidehisperceivedbadnessmakesintimacya
challenge. The moment Nice Guys enter a relationship they begin a balancing
act.Inrelationships,alife-and-deathstruggleisplayedouttobalancetheirfear
of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Vulnerability means someone may
gettooclosetothemand seehowbadtheyare. NiceGuysareconvincedthat
whenothers make this discovery,these people will hurtthem, shame them, or
leavethem.
The alternative doesn’t seem any better. Isolating themselves from others
recreatestheabandonmentexperiencesthatweresoterrifyinginchildhood.
Inordertobalancehisfearofvulnerabilityandfearofabandonment,aNice
Guyneedshelp.Hefindsitinpeoplewhoareequallywoundedandalsohave
difficulty with intimacy. Together they co-create relationships that
simultaneouslyfrustrateallpartieswhileprotectingthemfromtheirfearofbeing
foundout.
EventhoughitmaylooklikemanyoftheproblemsNiceGuysexperiencein
relationshipsarecausedbythebaggagetheirwifeorgirlfriendbringswiththem,
thisisnotthecase.ItistherelationshiptheNiceGuyandhiswifeorgirlfriend
co-createthatistheproblem.
ItistruethatNiceGuysoftenpickwivesandgirlfriendswhoappeartobe
projects,andindeed,theydoattimespicksomeprettymesseduppeople.The
factthatthesepartnersmayhavechallenges—theyaresinglemoms,theyhave
financialproblems,theyareangry,addictive,depressed,overweight,non-sexual,
orunabletobefaithful—ispreciselythereasonNiceGuysinvitethesepeople
intotheirlives.Aslongasattentionisfocusedontheflawsofthepartner,itis
divertedawayfromtheinternalizedtoxicshameoftheNiceGuy.Thisbalancing
actensuresthattheNiceGuy’sclosestrelationshipwillmostlikelybehisleast
intimate.
Patterns Of Enmeshment And Avoidance Prevent Nice Guys From
GettingTheLoveTheyWant
ThisintimacybalancingactgetsplayedoutintwodistinctwaysforNiceGuys.
Thefirstisthroughbecomingoverlyinvolvedinanintimaterelationshipatthe
expense of one’s self and other outside interests. The second is through being
emotionally unavailable to a primary partner while playing the Nice Guy role
outsideoftherelationship.IcallthefirsttypeofNiceGuyanenmesherandthe
secondtypeanavoider.
TheenmeshingNiceGuymakeshispartnerhisemotionalcenter.Hisworld
revolves around her. She is more important than his work, his buddies, his
hobbies.Hewilldowhateverittakestomakeherhappy.
Hewillgivehergifts,trytofixherproblems,andarrangehisscheduletobe
withher.Hewillgladlysacrificehiswantsandneedstowinherlove.Hewill
eventolerate her bad moods, rage attacks, addictions,and emotional or sexual
unavailability—allbecausehe«loveshersomuch.»
IsometimesrefertoenmeshingNiceGuysastabledogs.Theyarelikelittle
dogswhohoverbeneaththetablejustincaseascraphappenstofalltheirway.
EnmeshingNiceGuysdothissamehoveringroutinearoundtheirpartnerjustin
caseshehappenstodrophima scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a
scrapofagoodmood,orascrapofherattention.Eventhoughtheyaresettling
for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing Nice Guys think they are
gettingsomethingreallygood.
On the surface it may appear that the enmeshing Nice Guy desires, and is
available for an intimate relationship, but this is an illusion. The Nice Guy’s
pursuingandenmeshingbehaviorisanattempttohookupanemotionalhoseto
hispartner.Thishoseisusedtosuckthelifeoutofherandfillanemptyplace
inside of him. The Nice Guy’s partner unconsciously picks up on this agenda
andworkslikehelltomakesuretheNiceGuycan’tgetcloseenoughtohookup
the hose. Consequently, the Nice Guy’s partner is often seen as the one
preventingtheclosenesstheNiceGuydesires.
The avoider can be a little tougher to get a handle on. The avoiding Nice
Guy seems to put his job, hobby, parents, and everything else before his
primary relationship. He may not seem like a Nice Guy to his partner at all
becauseheisoftennicetoeveryoneelsebuther.Hemayvolunteertoworkon
otherpeople’scars.Hemayspendweekendsfixinghismother’sroof.Hemay
worktwoorthreejobs.
Hemay coachhischildren’ssportsteams. Eventhoughhemaynot follow
hispartneraroundandcatertohereverywhim,hestilloperatesfromacovert
contractthatsinceheisaNiceGuy,hispartnershouldbeavailabletohim,even
ifheisn’tavailabletoher.
Both patterns, enmeshing and avoiding, inhibit any real kind of intimacy
fromoccurring.TheymayhelptheNiceGuyfeelsafe,buttheywon’thelphim
feelloved.
BreakingFreeActivity#30
Are you an enmesher or an avoider in your present relationship? How
would your partner see you? Does the pattern ever change? What roles
haveyouplayedinpastrelationships?
Recreating Familiar Childhood Relationship Patterns Prevents Nice
GuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
It is human nature to be attracted to what is familiar. Because of this reality,
Nice Guys create adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their
dysfunctionalchildhoodrelationships.Forexample:Iflisteningtohismother’s
problems as a child gave a Nice Guy a sense of connection, he may grow up
believingsuchbehaviorequalsintimacy.Inordertofeelvaluableandconnected
inhisadultrelationships,hewillhavetopickapartnerwhohasherfairshareof
problems.
Ifhewastrainedtocaretakeandfixneedyordependentfamilymembers,the
NiceGuymayfindawaytodothesameinhisadultrelationships.
If he believed he could only get his own needs met after he had met the
needsof other moreimportantpeople, the NiceGuy may sacrifice himselffor
thesakeofhispartner.
If he was abandoned in childhood, he may choose partners who are
unavailableorunfaithful.
If he grew up with an angry, demeaning, or controlling parent, he may
chooseapartnerwithsimilartraits.
Occasionally, the person the Nice Guy chooses to help him recreate his
childhoodrelationshippatterns isn’t the way he unconsciously needsher to be
whentherelationshipbegins.Ifthisisthecase,hewilloftenhelpherbecome
whathe needs. He may project upon her one ormore traits of his parents. He
may act as if she is a certain way, even when she isn’t. His unconscious
dysfunctional needs may literally force his partner to respond in an equally
dysfunctionalway.
Forexample.Asachild,Ineverknewwhatkindofmoodmyfatherwould
beinwhenIcameintothehouse.Moreoftenthannot,itwasn’tgood.Ilearned
tocome home prepared forthe worst. Ilaterrecreated the same patternin my
marriage.Iprojectedmyfather’sunpredictablemoodsontomywifeandwould
frequentlyarrivehomepreparedforhertobeangry.Evenifshewasinagood
mood,mydefensivenessoftentriggeredsomekindofconfrontationbetweenus.
ThusElizabethcametolooklikemyangryfatherandIperpetuatedafamiliar,
thoughdysfunctionalrelationshipdynamic.
BreakingFreeActivity#31
Wetendtobeattractedtopeoplewhohavesomeoftheworsttraitsofboth
of our parents. Instead of blaming your partner for your unconscious
choice, identify the ways in which she helps you recreate familiar
relationshippatternsfromyourchildhood.Sharethiswithyourpartner.
TheUnconsciousNeedToRemainMonogamousToMomPreventsNice
GuysFromGettingTheLoveTheyWant
The tendency of Nice Guys to be monogamous to their mothers seriously
inhibits having any kind of a genuinely intimate relationship with a partner in
adulthood. Nice Guys are creative in finding ways to maintain this childhood
bond. What all of these behaviors have in common is that they all effectively
insurethattheNiceGuywillnotbeabletobondinanysignificantwaywithany
womanexcepthismother.
BreakingFreeActivity#32
The following are a few of the ways Nice Guys unconsciously maintain a
monogamous bond to their mothers. Look over the list. Note any of the
behaviorpatternsthatmayservetokeepyoumonogamoustoyourmother.
Sharethisinformationwithasafeperson.
Over-involvementwithworkorhobbies.
Creatingrelationshipswithpeoplewhoneedfixing.
Addictionstodrugsoralcohol.
Sexualaddictionstopornography,masturbation,fantasy,chatlines,or
hookers.
Affairs.
Sexual dysfunction —lack of desire, inability to get or maintain an
erection,orprematureejaculation.
Forming relationships with women who are angry, sick, depressive,
compulsive,addicted,unfaithful,orotherwiseunavailable.
Avoidingintercourseortakingvowsofcelibacy.
Being Bad Enders Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Love They
Want
Finally,NiceGuyshavedifficultygettingthelovetheywantbecausetheyspend
too much time trying to make bad relationships work. Basically, Nice Guys
sufferfromtheage-oldproblemoflookingforloveinallthewrongplaces.Ifa
Nice Guy spends all of his time stuck in a bad relationship, it pretty much
guaranteeshewon’tfindonethatmightworkbetter.
Whenhealthyindividualsrecognizethattheyhavecreatedarelationshipthat
isnotagoodfit,orthatapartnertheyhavechosenlacksthebasicqualitiesthey
desire,theymoveon.NotNiceGuys.Duetotheirconditioning,NiceGuysjust
keeptryinghardertogetanon-workablesituationtoworkorgetsomeonetobe
somethingtheyarenot.Thistendencyfrustrateseverybodyinvolved.
EvenwhenNiceGuysdotrytoendarelationship,theyarenotverygoodat
it.Theyfrequentlydoittoolateandinindirect,blaming,ordeceitfulways.They
typicallyhavetodoitseveraltimesbeforeitsticks.Ioftenjokethat,onaverage,
ittakesNiceGuysaboutnineattemptstoendarelationship.
(Unfortunately,thisisn’tfarfromthetruth).
StrategiesForBuildingSuccessfulRelationships
There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners.
Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging. The
secondpartofthischapterisnotaplanforfindingaperfectpartnerorcreating
the perfect relationship. It is simply a strategy for doing what works. By
adaptingthepointsbelowandchangingthewayinwhichtheylivetheirlives,
recoveringNiceGuys will change the waytheyhave relationships. Nice Guys
can:
Approveofthemselves.
Putthemselvesfirst.
Revealthemselvestosafepeople.
Eliminatecovertcontracts.
Takeresponsibilityfortheirownneeds.
Surrender.
Dwellinreality.
Expresstheirfeelings.
Developintegrity.
Setboundaries.
Embracetheirmasculinity.
Previous chapters have included illustrations of what can happen to
relationshipswhenNiceGuysbegintomaketheselifechanges.Let’sexaminea
little more closely how applying a couple of these life strategies can help
recoveringNiceGuysgetthelovetheywant.
AWarning
If you are in a relationship, the program of recovery from the Nice Guy
Syndromepresentedinthisbookwillseriouslyaffectyouandyourpartner.
Oneoftwothingswillhappen:
1. Yourpresentrelationshipwillbegintogrowandevolveinexcitingand
unpredictableways.
2. Yourpresentrelationshipwillbesenttoalongoverduegrave.
Learning To Approve Of Themselves Helps Nice Guys Get The Love
TheyWant
TheessenceofrecoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndromeistheconsciousdecision
to live one’s life just as one desires. I frequently encourage recovering Nice
Guys to be just who they are, without reservation. I support them in deciding
whatisrightforthemandbeingthatwithalloftheirenergyforthewholeworld
tosee.Thepeoplewholikethemjustastheyarewillhangaround.Thepeople
whodon’t,won’t.
Thisistheonlywaytohaveahealthyrelationship.Noonereallywantsto
believethattheyhavetobefalseorhidewhotheyreallyaretogetsomeoneto
love them or stay with them. Yet, this is a common dynamic in the intimate
relationshipsNiceGuyscreate.
GeorgeisagoodexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuy
decides to start pleasing himself and stop pleasing his partner. Throughout his
relationshipwithhiswifeSusan,George’sprimarygoalwastomakeherhappy.
Over a period of five years George gave up hunting and fishing (two of his
passions), quit hanging out with his friends, turned the control of his finances
overtoSusan,andsupportedherinquittingherjobbecauseshewasunhappyat
work.Thesechangesoccurredgradually.
AllwereanattemptonGeorge’sparttopleaseSusan.
Nevertheless,Susanwasrarelyhappy.BythetimeGeorgejoinedaNoMore
Mr.NiceGuy!group,hefelthelplessandresentfulandwasreadytoleavehis
wife.George saw Susanasthecauseof the frustrationhewasfeeling.George
spentthefirstfewweeksinourgroupcomplainingabouthiswife.
Eventually,thegroupmembersbegantoconfrontGeorgeonhisvictimrole
andchallengedhimtodosomethingdifferentinsteadofblamingSusan.
It took a few more months, but George began to change. The most
significantchangewasaconsciousdecisiontoquittryingtomakeSusanhappy.
He realized that his attempts to please her weren’t working and were causing
himtofeelresentful.
Georgebeganbysettingasideoneweekendamonthtogohuntingorfishing.
WhenSusantriedseveraldifferentmethodstomanipulatehimorguilthimout
ofhisdecision,heheldfast.Next,insteadofhandinghispaycheckovertoSusan
tocontrol,hebegangivinghimselfanallowancetospendhowhewanted.This
toodrewresistancefromhiswife.Perhapsthemostfrighteningstepwaswhen
GeorgesetupabudgetandtoldSusanthatifshewantedmorecontroloverthe
income,shewouldhavetogobacktoworkingfulltime.
Ironically, two things began to happen. George felt less like a victim and
actually started having more positive feelings toward Susan. Second, Susan
begantakingchargeofherownlifeandbecamelessdependentonGeorge.After
aboutayearingroup,Georgesharedhowmuchmorecontenthewasandhow
much his marriage had improved. He gave credit to the group members who
supportedhiminfindingthecouragetostartpleasinghimselfandstoptryingto
makeSusanhappy.
BreakingFreeActivity#33
Listsomeofthewaysyoutrytopleaseyourpartner.Whatchangeswould
youmakeifyoudidnothavetoworryaboutmakingherhappy?
SettingBoundariesHelpsNiceGuysGetTheLoveTheyWant
ThesubjectofboundarieswaspresentedinChapterFive.Nowhereistheissue
of boundary setting more important for Nice Guys than in their most intimate
relationships.Bysettinghealthyboundarieswiththeirpartners,NiceGuyscreate
situationsinwhichboththeyandtheirpartnercanfeelsafetobevulnerableand
experiencetrueintimacy.
IshowNiceGuys,oftenwiththeirpartnerswatching,howtostepuptotheir
lineandsetboundaries.Onmorethanoneoccasion,Ihavehadthepartnerofa
Nice Guy applaud during the demonstration. The Nice Guy will turn, slack-
jawed,andsay,«Youmeanyouwantmetostanduptoyou,dear?»
«OfcourseIdo,»shewillrespond,«Idon’twanttobemarriedtosomeoneI
canwalkallover.»
ThenIwarnhim.«Yourwifeistellingyouthetruth.Shedoesn’tfeelsafe
knowingshecanpushyouaround.Shewantstoknowthatyouwillstandupto
her.That is how she will feel secure in the relationship. But, here’s the catch.
Shehastotesttoseeifshecantrustyou.Thefirsttimeyousetaboundarywith
hershemayreactintensely.Shewillpushagainstit.Shewilltellyouthatyou
are wrong for setting that boundary. She will do her best to find out if your
boundaryisforreal.»
WhenarecoveringNiceGuysetsboundarieswithhispartner,itmakesher
feelsecure.Ingeneral,whenwomenfeelsecure,theyfeelloved.Shewillalso
cometoknowthatifherpartnerwillstanduptoher,heisalsolikelytostandup
for her. Setting boundaries also creates respect. When a Nice Guy fails to set
boundariesitcommunicatestohispartnerthathedoesn’treallyhonorhimself,
sowhyshouldshe?
To help Nice Guys decide if they need to set a boundary with a particular
behavior,IhavethemapplytheSecondDateRule.Usingtheseconddaterule,
Nice Guys ask themselves, «If this behavior had occurred on the second date,
wouldtherehavebeenathird?»Thisquestionhelpsthemseeiftheyhavebeen
puttingupwithsomethingthattheyshouldn’t.
When trying to decide how to deal with a behavior they have deemed
unacceptable, I encourage Nice Guys to apply the Healthy Male Rule.
Following this rule of thumb, they simply ask themselves, «How would a
healthymalehandlethissituation?»Forsomereason,justaskingthisquestion
connectsthemwiththeirintuitivewisdomandhelpsthemaccessthepowerthey
needtorespondappropriately.
OncetheNice Guy knows he can set a boundary any time heneedsto,he
canletpeoplemovetowardhim,getclose,havefeelings,besexual,andsoon.
Hecan let thesethings happen becausehe is confidentthat at anypoint, if he
beginstofeeluncomfortable,hecansay«stop,»«no,»or«slowdown,»orcan
removehimself.Hecandowhateverheneedstodototakecareofhimself.
BreakingFreeActivity#34
Are there any areas in your personal relationships in which you avoid
settingappropriateboundaries?Doyou:
Tolerateintolerablebehavior.
Avoiddealingwithasituationbecauseitmightcauseconflict.
Notaskforwhatyouwant.
Sacrificeyourselftokeepthepeace.
If you applied the Second Date rule or the Healthy Male rule to these
situations,howmightyouchangeyourbehavior?
AdditionalStrategiesForHappy,HealthyRelationships
In addition to the program of recovery presented in previous chapters of No
More Mr. Nice Guy!, there are a few additional strategies that will help Nice
Guysgetthelovetheywant.Theseinclude:
Focusingontheirrelationship,nottheirpartner.
Notreinforcingundesirablebehaviors.
Doingsomethingdifferent.
Focusing On Their Relationship, Not Their Partner Helps Nice Guys
GetTheLoveTheyWant
Wounded people are attracted to wounded people. When Nice Guys enter a
relationship,theyfrequentlychoosepartnerswholookmoredysfunctionalthan
they do. This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the
other.Thisisadistortion,becausehealthypeoplearenotattractedtounhealthy
people—andviceversa.Ifrequentlytellcouplesthatifyouhaveoneobviously
woundedpersoninarelationship,youalwayshavetwo.Noexception.
When my wife Elizabeth and I first got together, we created a system in
whichshewasidentifiedasthebrokenonewhileIwasdesignatedthehealthy
one. These scripts worked well for both of us until she started going to
counseling.Oneday,shecamehomefromatherapysessionandannouncedthat
shehaddiscoveredthatIwasjustasmessedupasshewas.BecauseIcouldn’t
entertain the idea that I was «messed up,» I responded, «No, you are really
findingoutthatyouarejustashealthyasIam.»
Therelationshipsystemwehadcreatedtogetherallowedbothofustoplay
familiar, yet dysfunctional roles. Unfortunately, it also prevented any kind of
realintimacyuntilElizabethbegantochallengethestatusquo.I’velistenedto
countlessNiceGuyswhohaveformedrelationshipsliketheoneElizabethandI
initiallycreated.Thesemenhavethebeliefthattheyarevictimstotheir«sick»
partner’sdysfunction.Thisillusionkeepseveryoneinvolvedstuckinrepetitive,
ineffectivepatterns.
By focusing on their relationship instead of their partner, recovering Nice
Guys are able to use their partner to get in touch with their childhood
experiencesofabandonment,neglect,abuse,andsmothering.
Theycanusethisinformationtobetterunderstandwhytheyhavecreatedthe
kind of relationship system they have. This process enables them to make
changesthatallowthemtogetwhattheywantintheirintimaterelationships.
Insteadofsaying«ifshewouldjust…»,therecoveringNiceGuyhastoask,
«WhydidIneedtoco-createthisrelationship?»
«Howdoesthisrelationshipletmeplayfamiliarroles?»
«Howdoesthisrelationshipletmemeetunconsciousneeds?»
«WhydidIinvitethispersonintomylife?»
When the recovering Nice Guy begins asking these kinds of questions, he
canbegintoseehissignificantotherasapartnerinhealing.Thisnotonlyshifts
howheviewshispartner,butalsoallowshimtoaddresschildhoodissuesthat
preventhimfromhavingatrulyintimaterelationship.
Inthebeginningofthischapter,wemetKarl—whosewifeDanitaseemed
as hard to please as his cold, critical mother. Karl never knew when his mom
mightgetangry,criticize,orshamehim.Inadulthood,Karlco-createdasimilar
dynamicwithDanita.Whenshegotangry,Karlwoulduseallofhischildhood
survivalmechanisms,likeavoidanceandwithdrawal,totrytocope.Karlwould
accuse Danita of «being angry all the time» and would walk on eggshells to
avoid upsetting her. Karl would tell himself,«I don’tdeserve this.» He would
thenretreatandcreateescapescenariosinhishead.
The relationship began to shift when Karl came to see Danita as a «gift»
whomheinvitedintohislifetohelphimcleanouthisoldissuesaroundhisfear
of angry and critical people. As Karl made this shift several things began to
happen.Hebegantohavegriefforwhathewentthroughasachild.Hebegan
standinguptoDanitaratherthanavoidingandwithdrawing.Ashecametosee
Danita’sangerasaresultofherownchildhoodwounding,Danitabegantolook
lessandlessangrytohim.Ashisviewofhiswifebegantoshift,Karlbeganto
feel more loving toward Danita and their relationship began to show marked
improvement.
BreakingFreeActivity#35
The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, resentful, or rageful at
yourpartner,askyourselfthesequestions:
«WhyhaveIinvitedthispersonintomylife?»
«WhatdoIneedtolearnfromthissituation?»
«HowwouldmyviewofthissituationchangeifIsawitasagift?»
NotReinforcingUndesirableBehaviorsHelpsNiceGuysGetTheLove
TheyWant
AcoupleofyearsagoweboughtaWeimaranerpuppy.Wedecidedthatifwe
were going to have a big dog in the house, we should take him to obedience
school. One of the first lessons we learned was that we were the ones who
needed obedience training. Most dogs that behave badly, we found out, have
beenconditionedtodosobyignorantorinconsistentowners.
Inmanyways,humansaren’tmuchdifferentfrompets.Peopleoftenbehave
thewaytheyhavebeentrainedtobehave.Forexample,ifapersongiveshisdog
atreatwhenhepissesonthecarpet,thedogwillkeeppissingonthecarpet.The
same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner’s undesirable
behaviors,shewillkeepbehavinginundesirableways.
Here is the irony for Nice Guys: Nice Guys like the idea of a smooth and
problem-freerelationship.
Typically,iftheirpartnerisunhappy,depressed,angry,orhavingaproblem,
theywilljumprightinandtryandfixitormakeitbetter.Theybelievethatby
doingso,theywillmaketheproblemgoawayandeverythingwillquicklyget
backtonormal.Unfortunately,thisislikegivingadogatreatforpissingonthe
carpet. Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he
would like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing that very behavior. This
reinforcement increases the likelihood that that behavior will occur again. For
example,Joe’swifefrequentlycamehomefromworkinasilentrageoversome
problemsheexperiencedwithaco-worker.ItbotheredJoewhenhiswifewasin
thismood.Inanattempttorelievehisanxiety,hewouldaskhiswifewhatwas
wrong.Afteralittlecoaxing,shewouldspendthenextcoupleofhoursventing
toJoeabouthowmistreatedshewasatwork.Joewouldlistenandofferhelpful
suggestions,hopingthatbydoingso,shewouldgetoverhermood.
Inhisattemptforshort-termanxietyrelief,Joehadactuallyhelpedcreatea
long-termproblem.Everytimeheaskedhiswifewhatwaswrong,listenedfor
hours, and offered advice, he was actually reinforcing a behavior pattern he
foundundesirable.
Indogobedienceschoolwelearnedthatifyouwantanundesirablebehavior
togoaway,youstoppayingattentiontoit.Thesameistrueinrelationships.
LikemanyNiceGuys,Joefeltlikeavictimtohiswife’sbehavior.Hewas
oblivioustothefactthathewasresponsibleforperpetuatingabehaviorhefound
undesirable.WhenthemeninhisNoMoreMr.
Nice Guy! group pointed this fact out to him, he decided to try something
different.
Thenexttimehiswifecamehomeinasilent,withdrawnmood,hedidn’tsay
anything.Heatedinnerinsilenceandthenwentouttothegarage.Eventhough
hefeltintenseanxiety,heresistedhisimpulsestotryto«fix»hiswife.Ashelay
awakeinbedthatnight,thedeafeningsilencekepthimawakeforhours.
Thenextmorning,thesilencecontinued.Joewasafraidthisbehaviormight
goonforever.Inanattempttorelievehisanxiety,hetriedmakingalittlesmall
talk.Hiswiferespondedwithone-wordanswersandleftforwork.
Thatevening,itseemedasifamiraclehadoccurred.Joe’swifecamehome
fromworkinagoodmoodandaskedJoeifhewantedtogoforawalk.While
walking she told him how she had resolved the previous day’s problem. Joe
revealed to his wife how uncomfortable it had made him to not try to fix her
problemthepreviousevening.SherespondedbytellingJoethatshedidn’twant
himtotrytofixherproblemsandthatshelikeditbetterthathehadgivenher
somespacetoworkitoutonherown.
DoingSomethingDifferentWhenBeginningANewRelationshipHelps
NiceGuysGetTheLoveTheyWant
ForNiceGuyswhoseearelationshipcometoanend,orfortheoneswhoare
presentlysingle,Iencouragethemtotakeadifferentapproachwhenbeginning
newrelationships.Relationshipsaremessyandthereisnowaytoeliminatethe
bumps and potholes, but we don’t have to make them any more difficult than
theyalreadyare.ThisisoneareawhereIstronglyencourageNiceGuystodo
something different. That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather
thananunconscious,dysfunctionalone.
Doing something different means choosing a different kind of partner. A
fixer-uppermaybeafunchallengewhenitcomestorestoringacar,butit’sa
terriblewaytochooseapartner.NiceGuyshaveatendency,duetotheirown
insecurities,topickpartnerswhoseemliketheyneedalittlepolishing.
Becausetheydon’tknowwhyahealthyorindependentpersonwouldwant
them, they settle for a diamond in the rough. They tend to pick partners who
havehadtroubled childhoods, are sexualabusesurvivors,havehadastringof
badrelationships,aredepressed,arehavingmoneyproblems,areoverweight,or
are struggling single moms. Then they go to work operating from a covert
contract—fixing,caretaking,andpleasing—allwiththehopethatshewillturn
outtobeapolishedgem.
Unfortunately,thisstrategyrarelyworks.
WhenrecoveringNiceGuyscreaterelationshipswithpeoplewhodon’tneed
fixing,theyimprovetheiroddsoffindingthelovetheywant.Thisdoesn’tmean
searchingfortheperfectpartner,justonewhoisalreadytakingresponsibilityfor
her own life. Over time, the members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups
havecomeupwithanumberoftraitstoconsciouslylookforwhencreatingnew
relationships.
Thesetraitsinclude(innoparticularorder):
Passion.
Integrity.
Happiness.
Intelligence.
Sexualassertiveness.
Financialresponsibility.
Commitmenttopersonalgrowth.
Nice Guys who are already in a relationship may find it unsettling if their
current partner doesn’t fare well by this list (especially if it is the Nice Guy
doing the evaluating). That doesn’t mean they need to jump out of the
relationshipandgolookingforgreenerpastures.Instead,Iencouragethesemen
to first begin addressing their own behaviors and look at why they needed to
createthekindofrelationshiptheyhavewiththeirpresentpartner.
Findinganewpartnerwon’tbethesolutioniftheNiceGuystillneedsthe
samekindofrelationship.IhavefoundthatwhenrecoveringNiceGuysbegin
dealing with their own dysfunctional patterns, their relationships also begin
changing.Attimesthesechangescausethemtoreevaluatetheirdesiretogetout.
Sometimestheyconfirmitistimeforachange.
NiceGuyshaveastrongtendencytotrytodoeverything«right.»Thislist
isn’t meant as a magic formula. There are no perfect people and no perfect
relationships. But by consciously looking for the traits listed above in a
prospectivepartner,NiceGuyscansavethemselvesalotofgriefandimprove
theirchancesofactuallyfindingwhattheyarelookingfor.
Doingsomethingdifferentalso means refraining from beingsexualin new
relationships.NiceGuysmustgivethemselvesachancetoaccuratelyevaluate
thetraitslistedabovebystayingoutofbedwithapersonuntiltheyreallygetto
knowher. Oncethesexbeginsinrelationships,thelearningstops.Sex creates
such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the
appropriatenessofanewrelationship.NiceGuysmayoftenbeawareofvarious
traits or behaviors they find unacceptable in a new partner, but if they are
alreadyhavingsex,itisdifficulttoaddresstheseissuesandeventoughertoend
therelationship.
EmbraceTheChallenge
Recovering Nice Guys can have fulfilling, intimate relationships. Life is a
challenge and so are relationships. As they implement the recovery strategies
presentedinthisbook,recoveringNiceGuysputthemselvesinthepositionto
embracethesechallengesandgetthelovetheywant.
Chapter8
GetTheSexYouWant:
SuccessStrategiesForSatisfyingSex
Take everything written about Nice Guys in this book —their shame, their
sacrificeofself,theirapprovalseeking,theirdoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,
their indirectness, their caretaking, their covert contracts, their controlling
behavior, their fear, their dishonesty, their difficulty receiving, their
dysfunctionalrelationships,theirlossofmasculineenergy.Nowputthemallina
greatbigcontainer,shakethemup,openthelid,lookinside,andyou’llhavea
prettygoodviewofhowNiceGuysdosex.
For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic
shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. I
believeitissafetosaythateveryNiceGuywithwhomIhaveeverworkedhas
hadsomesignificantproblemwithsex.Theseproblemsaremanifestedinmany
ways,butthemostcommonare:
Notgettingenough.Thisisbyfarthemostcommonsexualcomplaintof
NiceGuys.Thefocusofthisproblemisfrequentlydirectedataseemingly
sexuallyinhibitedorunavailablepartner(ortheunavailabilityofwomenin
general).
Having to settle for less than satisfying sex. Nice Guys often settle for
bad sex, believing that it is better than no sex at all. Again, the blame is
oftenfocusedontheNiceGuy’spartner.
Sexual dysfunction. This usually takes the form of an inability to get or
maintainanerection,orprematureejaculation.
Sexual repression. Some Nice Guys claim to have littleor no interest in
sex.Moreoftenthannot,thesemenareactuallyengagedinsomeformof
sexualactivitythattheybelieveisbestkeptoutofsight.
Compulsivesexual behavior. Thiscan include compulsive masturbation,
addictiontopornography,affairs,peepshows,900numbers,cybersex,and
prostitution.
When you add all of these dynamics together, you end up with a breed of
menwhodon’thaveverymuchsexand/ordon’thaveverymuchgoodsex.Even
though most Nice Guys have a tendency to focus on factors outside of
themselvesasthecauseofthisproblem,theoppositeisclosertothetruth.Itis
Nice Guys themselves who are masters at making sure that their sex lives are
lessthansatisfying.
ShameAndFear
The difficulty Nice Guys have with sex can be directly linked to two issues:
shameandfear.AllNiceGuyshaveshameandfearaboutbeingsexualand
aboutbeingsexualbeings.Inmyexperience,thisisprobablythemostdifficult
concept for Nice Guys to understand and accept about themselves. This is so
important I will say it again: All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being
sexualandaboutbeingsexualbeings.
If you could peel back a Nice Guy’s brain and find the part of the
unconsciousmindthatcontrolssex,hereiswhatyouwouldfind:
Memoriesofchildhoodexperiencesthatmadehimfeellikehewasbad.
Thepainofnotgettinghisneedsmetinatimely,healthymanner.
Theeffectsofgrowingupwithsexuallywoundedparents.
Thesexualdistortionsandillusionsofareallyscrewedupsociety.
Theabsenceofaccuratesexualinformationwhenitwasneeded.
Thesexualguiltandshameassociatedwithcenturiesofreligiousinfluence.
Theeffectsofcovertsexualbondscreatedbyhismother.
Thetraumaofsexualviolations.
Thememoriesofearlysexualexperienceswrappedinsecrecy.
Thedistortedandunrealisticimagesofbodiesandsexinpornography.
Theshameofhidden,compulsivebehaviors.
Thememoriesofprevioussexualfailuresorrejections.
Every time a Nice Guy has a sexual feeling or is in a sexual situation, he
must negotiate through all of this unconscious baggage. Nice Guys find
numerouscreativewaystoavoidordistractthemselvesfromtheirsexualshame
and fear. Unfortunately, these avoidance and distraction mechanisms prevent
NiceGuysfromhavingmuchofanythingthatresemblesagoodsexlife.These
avoidanceanddistractionmechanismsinclude:
Avoidingsexualsituationsandsexualopportunities.
Tryingtobeagoodlover.
Hidingcompulsivesexualbehaviors.
Repressingtheirlifeenergy.
Settlingforbadsex.
AvoidanceOfSexualSituationsAndSexualOpportunitiesPreventsNice
GuysFromGettingTheSexTheyWant
Asoddasitmaysound,NiceGuysfindmanycreativewaystoavoidsex.Ihave
coined the term Vagiphobia to describe this propensity. Vagiphobia is a
syndromewherethepenistriestostayoutofvaginasorgetsoutquicklyonceit
isin.WhilethissurvivalmechanismmayhelpprotecttheNiceGuyfromhaving
to experience his shame and fear, it also guarantees he won’t have very much
sex.
Alan could be the vagiphobia poster child. Alan began therapy due to a
problematic habit of entering into sexualized relationships outside of his
marriage. Some of these trysts became overtly sexual, yet none were ever
consummated with intercourse. The problem came to a head after he began a
relationship with one of his wife’s girlfriends and his wife found an
incriminatingnoteinhiscoatpocket.
In therapy, Alan revealed that he liked the attention of women. In social
situationshealwaysfeltmorecomfortableconnectingwithwomen.Overtime,it
becameapparentthatduetochildhoodconditioning—amonogamousbondwith
his mother, the decision to be different from his father, and the effects of
fundamentalist religious teachings —Alan found creative ways to get the
attentionofwomenwhileavoidingputtinghispenisintheirvaginas.(Ireferto
this common Nice Guy behavior as «flirting without fucking.» As long as the
NiceGuydoesn’tputhispenisinavagina,hecanexchangeallkindsofsexual
energy yet convince himself he hasn’t really had sex or hasn’t done anything
wrong.)Ononeoccasion,AlansharedanexamplewithhisNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!groupofthisbehavior.Alanhadbeenonabusinesstrip,travelingwitha
co-worker,a young woman whom Alan found very attractive. During the trip,
theyflirtedandexchangedsexualinnuendoes.Oneevening,theysatinthebar
and talked about their lives. The evening ended with some slow dancing. The
nexteveningafterdrinks,thewomaninvitedAlantojoinherinthehottub.She
showedupinarevealingstringbikini.
Whileinthehottub,shesatonAlan’slapandtheykissedpassionately.Even
though he was very aroused, he turned down her offer to go up to her room
becausehedidn’twantto«jeopardizetheirworkingrelationship.»
ThisstoryisconsistentwithAlan’slifelongavoidanceofvaginas.Alanhad
a couple of girlfriends in high school. But whenever the girls got serious and
wantedtomovebeyondpetting,Alanfeltsmotheredandbrokeup.
Alan portrayed his wife as being sexually withdrawn. One factor that
contributedtothissituationwasthatAlanwouldneverdirectlyinitiatesex.He
believedwomenthoughtsexwasbadandhewasconvincedthatifhewastoo
directinlettingthemknowhewantedtohavesex,theywouldthinkhewasbad.
Alanused hisfrustrationoverhis wife’ssexualunavailabilityto justifyhis
sexualized behavior with other women. Interestingly enough, Alan had a
consistent knack of only flirting with women that weren’t very likely to be
availableto consummate a relationshipwithhim. On therare occasion thathe
guessedwrong,Alanwouldfindsomegoodreasontonotfollowthroughwith
whathehadstarted.
TryingToBeAGoodLoverPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingTheSex
TheyWant
ItisnotunusualforNiceGuystopridethemselvesonbeinggoodlovers.Being
agoodlovercanbeanattachmentthesemenusetofeelvaluable.Itcanbeaway
toconvincethemselvestheyaredifferentfromothermen.Itcanalsobeavery
effectivemechanismforallowingthemtohavesexwhilestayingdistractedfrom
theirinternalizedshameandfear.Aslongastheyarefocusedonthearousaland
pleasureoftheirpartner,NiceGuyscandistractthemselvesfromtheirowntoxic
shame,feelingsofinadequacy,orfearofbeingsmothered.Terrance,aNiceGuy
inhismid-thirtiesisagoodexample.
«I’ve got a problem with premature ejaculation.» This was how Terrance
introducedhimselfinhisfirsttherapysession.«Myfirstwifeleftmeforanother
man,»hecontinuedwithoutpausing.«Thatwasdevastating.Thegoodnewsis,I
met a wonderful, sensual, sexual woman, and we’re engaged to get married.
There’sonlyoneproblem.Icometoofast.Sheturnsmeonsomuch,Ijustget
tooexcited.»
Terrance went on to describe how hard he worked to please his girlfriend
whentheymadelove.
Whenevertheyhadsex,Terrancewouldtrytomakesurehisgirlfriendhad
twoorthreeorgasmsbystimulatingherorallybeforeheputhispenisinsideher
vagina.Hethentriedtobringhertoonemoreclimaxvaginally.Unfortunately,
he frequently ejaculated before she had her final orgasm. Terrance was so
seeminglyselflessthathetoldhisfiancéethathedidn’tcareifheneverhadan
orgasm,aslongasshewassatisfied.
«Everythingisgreatexceptthisoneissue,»Terranceclaimed.«Herkidslove
me.Herparentsloveme.
Shesayssheloveseverythingaboutme,exceptshefeelslike30percentis
missing.She doesn’t seem to want tomakeloveanymoreandistalkingabout
postponingtheweddinguntilIcangetthisthingfixed.»
Mostofthetime,NiceGuyslikeTerrancearetotallyunawareofhowmuch
theyaremissingbytryingtobegreatlovers.WhenNiceGuyssetouttobegreat
lovers, they are actually creating a recipe for boring sex. Sex that focuses on
tryingtopleasetheotherguaranteesaroutine,do-what-worked-last-timekindof
experience.TryingtobeagreatloverprettymuchinsuresthataNiceGuywill
not have many passionate, reciprocal, spontaneous, serendipitous, or intimate
sexualexperiences—hardlyarecipeforgoodsex!
HidingCompulsiveSexualBehaviorsPreventsNiceGuysFromGetting
TheSexTheyWant
Imagine the financial jackpot of inventing a pill to take away loneliness, cure
boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create
feelingsofbeingloved,relievestress,andgenerallysolveallpersonalproblems.
NiceGuysbelievesuchadrugexists—theycallitsex.
ManyNiceGuysdiscoveredatanearlyagethatsexualarousalwasagood
distraction from the isolation, turmoil, unrealistic demands, and abandonment
experiences of their childhood. Unfortunately, when Nice Guys bring their
sensual security blanket into adulthood, it prevents them from experiencing
intimateandfulfillingsexwithanotherindividual.
IhavefoundNiceGuystobepronetohidden,compulsivesexualbehavior.I
have developed a theory that states, the nicer the guy, the darker the sexual
secrets.Ifindthistobeconsistentlytrue.Sexisabasichumandrive.Because
most Nice Guys believe they are bad for being sexual, or believe that other
people will think they are bad, sexual impulses have to be kept hidden from
view. The Nice Guy’s sexuality doesn’t go away, it just goes underground.
Therefore,the moredependentamanison external approval,thedeeperheis
goingtohavetohidehissexualbehavior.
Lyle, a computer programmer in his mid-forties, provides a poignant
exampleofthisconnection.
EverybodylikedLyle.Hewas one of thoseguyswhodidn’t seem to have
anyroughedges.AdevoutChristian,LyletaughtSundayschoolandwasalways
willingtohelpanyoneinneed.
Lyle’s life seemed perfect. There was only one hitch —he was secretly
addictedtopornography.
GrowingupinanEvangelicalChristianhome,hefirstdiscoveredthisdrug
whenhewas nine. A loner as achild,Lylewould spend hours in histreefort
lookingatpicturesofnakedwomen.Withhispornography,heneverfeltalone.
Fifteen years into his marriage, Lyle’s habit remained a well-kept secret.
Over the years his compulsive behavior expanded to renting adult videos,
visitingpeepshowsandstripbars,andcalling900numbers.
Mostrecently,hisobsessionhadfoundflightincyberspace.Frequentingsex
chatroomshecarriedonanumberofsexualrelationshipswithfacelesssurfers
ontheInternet.
Periodicallyduringtheirmarriage,Lyle’swifewouldconfronthimovertheir
lackluster sex life. She would protest that it just wasn’t normal to go months
withouthavingsex.Lylewouldvalidateherfeelingsandassertthathetoowould
like more sex. He would then fall back on the excuse that he was usually too
tiredfromworkandtoostressedwiththedemandsoffamilylife.
Manytimesthroughouthislife,Lylepromisedhimselfhewouldquitvisiting
hissecretsexualworld.
Timeandtimeagainhewouldthrowouthisstashofmagazinesorswearoff
thevideosandchatrooms.
Hewouldbreatheasighofrelief,onlytofindhimselfbackatitagainweeks
ormonthslater.
Lyle, like numerous Nice Guys, invested so much time and energy in his
hidden,compulsivesexualbehaviorthattherewaslittleleftforareal,person-to-
personsexualrelationship.
Repressing Their Life Energy Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The
SexTheyWant
Whenaboyreachesadolescence,hemustbeginnegotiatingtheturbulentseasof
learning to relate to the opposite sex. If he is to have any hope of securing a
girlfriend and someday having sex, he must figure out what it takes to get a
femaletonoticehimandapproveofhim.Forsomeboysthisprocessseemsto
comefairlyeasily.Iftheyhappentobegood-looking,astarathlete,orfroman
affluentfamily,attractingfemalesmaynotbeoverlydifficultforthem.
Onceyouexcludetheminorityofadolescentmaleslistedabove,thatleaves
themajorityofteenageboyswhohavenoclueofwhatitwilltaketogetagirlto
likethem.Itisatthis pointthatmanyyoung mendecidethatmaybe bybeing
«nice,»theywillstandoutfromtheotherguysandmightgaintheapprovalof
some member of the opposite sex. This decision is especially important if the
youngmanhasalreadybeenconditionedtobelievethatheisnotOKjustashe
is.
Itisthisstrategyformedinadolescence—tryingtoattractawomanandher
sexualfavorbybeingnice—thatmanyNiceGuyscarryintoadulthood.Itisnot
uncommonforNiceGuystobelievethatawomanwouldbeluckytohavethem
while simultaneously wondering why any woman would want them. Because
theycan’tthinkofanyotherreasonwhyawomanwouldbeattractedtothemor
wanttohavesexwiththem,NiceGuyshangontotheirstrategyof«beingnice»
evenwhenitconsistentlyprovesineffectiveingettingthemthesextheywant.
Ironically,tryingtobenicerobsamanofhislifeenergy.ThemoreaNice
Guyseeksapprovalandtriesto«doitright,»thetighterheclampsaliddownon
any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him. This is why I
frequentlyhearNiceGuyslamentaboutwomennotbeingattractedtothem.The
problemis,oncetheyhaverepressedalloftheirlifeenergy,thereislittleabout
themtogetanyone’sattentionorturnthemon.
Womenconsistentlytellmethateventhoughtheymaybeinitiallydrawnto
aNiceGuy’spleasingdemeanor, over time they find itdifficulttogetexcited
abouthavingsexwithhim.Oftenthepartnerfeelsdefective,butitisreallynot
herfault.ThereisjustverylittleabouttheNiceGuypersonatoflipaswitchor
arouseaprospectivepartner.Onceagain,bydoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,
NiceGuyspreventthemselvesfromgettingthesextheywant.
Settling For Bad Sex Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They
Want
The wife of a Nice Guy in her late twenties shared with me how her partner
would«pester»herforsex.
When she would say «no» he would pout and withdraw. When she did
consent to being sexual he would focus on her arousal while she did little to
reciprocate.Withpithyawarenesssherevealed,«Icouldtellhimitwouldreally
turn me on if he set himself on fire. He would gladly do it and think he was
gettinggoodsexbecauseitmademehappy.»
Bysettlingforbadsex,NiceGuysinsurethattheywon’tgettoexperience
verymuchgoodsex.Aaronprovidesagoodexampleofaprettycommonway
NiceGuyscreatebadsex.Let’svisithisbedroomandobserveatypicalsexual
scenariobetweenhimandhiswifeHannah.
AaronandHannahhaven’thadsexinseveralweeks,acommonoccurrence
intheirrelationship.
Tonight,Aaronisfeelingsexual,butinsteadoftellingHannahthathewants
tomakelove,hegoesintoapatternofindirectlytryingtoarouseher.
EventhoughHannahhasletAaronknowonseveraloccasionssheresentshis
«pestering,»hemovesupbehindherinbedandbeginstorubherback.Ashe
massageshershouldershemomentarilytunesouthisresentmentoverhersexual
unavailability.Asheslowlymoveshishandsdowntorubherbuttocks,healso
tunes out that her body is totally unreceptive to his touch. He hopes that by
movingslowlyandnotalarmingherbybeingtooovertlysexual,shewillgetin
themood.Thisapproachhasoccasionallyworkedinthepast.
Bythetimehelightlystrokesoneofherbreasts,Aaronistotallyunawareof
anythinggoingoninsideofhisownbody.Bynow,heisfocusedonHannah’s
arousalandtryingtoanticipatehowtostimulateherjustenoughtogetherinthe
moodwithoutdoingtoomuchtomakeherangry.
Finally,becauseshehasn’trebuffedhisadvances,herollsheroverandfor
thenexttwentyminutesfocusesallofhisattentiononherarousaluntilshehas
an orgasm. Since he is disconnected from his own physical arousal, he has a
difficulttimeclimaxinghimself.Tohelphimselfalong,hefantasizesaboutthe
youngsecretaryatwork.Whenhefinallyhasanorgasm,heimmediatelyshifts
hisfocusbacktohiswifetocheckinonheremotionalstate.Later,asherolls
overandgoestosleep,Aaronfeelsemptyandresentful.
BreakingFreeActivity#36
How’syourlovelife?Areyoureadytostartgettinggoodsex?Ifso,readon.
GettingGoodSex
The rest of this chapter presents a strategy for helping recovering Nice Guys
experiencesatisfyingsex.
Theprocessincludes:
Comingoutofthecloset.
Takingmattersintotheirownhands.
Saying«no»tobadsex.
Followingtheexampleofthebullmoose.
ComingOutOfTheClosetHelpsNiceGuysGetTheSexTheyWant
Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life. A
mancanreadallthebookshewantson«HowToPickUpWomen»orwatchall
theinstructionalvideosonimprovingsexualtechnique.Noneofthesethingswill
helphimgetgoodsexaslongashehasshameandfearaboutbeingsexualor
being a sexual being. Getting good sex is dependent on recovering Nice Guys
bringingtheirshameandfearoutoftheclosetandintotheopenweretheycan
belookedatandreleased.Thisstepcannotbeskipped!
Cleaning out sexual shame requires accepting, non-judgmental people. A
NiceGuycannotdothisworkonhisown.Toreleasesexualshameandfear,the
recovering Nice Guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self to safe,
supportivepeople.ThisrevealingallowstheNiceGuytoreleasehisshameand
fearandfreeuptheemotionalenergyittooktokeepthemhiddenandrepressed.
ThesesafepeoplecanalsogivetheNiceGuysupportivemessagesthatheisnot
badforbeingasexualbeing.
BreakingFree:PopQuiz
MostNiceGuysinitiallydenyhavinganyshameandfearaboutsex. Take
thefollowingquiztoseeifyouareindenialaboutyourownsexualshame
andfear.
1.Thinkbacktoyourfirstsexualexperience.Wasit:
A.Ajoyousexperiencewhichyoucouldsharewithfamilyandfriends?
B.Hidden,rushed,guilt-ridden,orinalessthanidealsituation?
C.Painful,abusive,orfrightening?
2.Whenitcomestomasturbation:
A. Do you and your partner talk openly and comfortably about the
subject?
B.Wouldtherebeacrisisifyourpartner«caught»youdoingit?
C.Doyoudoitcompulsivelyorinsecret?
3.Whenitcomestoyoursexualexperiences,thoughts,orimpulses:
A. You are comfortable revealing everything about yourself to your
partner.
B.Youhavesecretsthatyouhaveneversharedwithanyone.
C. Some aspect of your sexuality has caused a crisis in an intimate
relationship.
D. At some time in your life you have tried to eliminate or limit some
problematicsexualbehavior.
If you answered anything but «A» on any of the questions, you have
sexualshameandfear.Readon.
Lyle, introduced earlier in the chapter, is a good example of how recovering
NiceGuys canbringtheirsexual shameandfearoutof thecloset.Lylewas a
good Christian, husband, and father who struggled with compulsive sexual
behavior.EverythingcamecrashingdownforLylewhenhiswifefoundaphone
billandcalledsomeofthestrangenumbers.Shewasbewilderedanddevastated.
Never in her wildest dreams (or nightmares) did she think that Lyle might be
involvedinanythinglikepornographyorphonesex.Littledidsheknowshehad
just discovered the tip of the iceberg. Confronted with the evidence, Lyle
initially feigned surprise and denied any knowledge of its origin. Finally, he
broke down and told all. Well, almostall. It took several more weeks, several
moreemotionalconfrontations,andacalltomebeforeeverythingcameout.
Afteracoupleofsessionsof individualtherapy,IsuggestedthatLylestart
attendinga12-stepgroupforsexualaddicts.ThisideainitiallyterrifiedLyle,but
heknewhewouldhavetodosomethingradicallydifferentifhewantedtofree
himselfofhiscompulsionandexperiencetruesexualintimacy.Tohissurprise,
revealing his long-kept secrets in the presence of other recovering sex addicts
wasn’t as difficult as he feared. In time, he began to look forward to the
opportunitytotalkabouthimselfwithsafepeople.
Everytimeherevealedsomesecretthoughtoract,hefeltasenseofrelief,as
ifaweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.
AsLylerevealedhisfearandshametosafepeople,hefoundthathewasless
interestedinhishidden,compulsivebehaviors.Asheandhiswifebecamemore
openandintimatewitheachother,healsobegantoenjoyaphysicalcloseness
withherthathehadoncetriedtoavoid.WhenLylecameoutofthecloset,he
begantohealalifetimeofhiddensexualbehavior.
InmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupsIencouragerecoveringNiceGuysto
bring their sexual shame out of the closet. I support them in talking explicitly
about their sexuality. In our culture, most sex talk is done in pornographic,
demeaning, moralizing, shaming, clinical, or joking ways. I invite recovering
NiceGuystorevealtheways theyactout.Ihavethemtalkabouttheirsexual
historyandearlysexualexperiences.Iaskthemtobringsamplesofpornography
they find arousing. This is another way of releasing shame while also gaining
importantinformation.
Throughout the entire process of revealing themselves, I encourage
recovering Nice Guys to experience whatever they may be feeling —shame,
guilt,fear,arousal.Atthesametime,Igivethemsupportivemessagesthatwhat
they are feeling is OK. There are so many negative messages in our society
aboutmalesexuality,itisdifficultforNiceGuystoovercometheirconditioning
withoutthiskindofencouragementandsupport.
BreakingFreeActivity#37
Findasafeplacetotalkaboutthefollowingissues:
Your sexual history : Earliest sexual memory, childhood experiences,
sexual violation and trauma, sexual issues in your family, first sexual
experience,adultsexualhistory.
Ways in which you have acted out sexually: Affairs, prostitution, peep
shows,900numbers,useofpornography,exhibitionism,fetishes,etc.
Yourdarkside:Thosethingsthatevenyouhaveahardtimelookingat
inyourself—fantasies,rage,offendingbehavior.
Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex
TheyWant
IregularlytellNiceGuys,«Noonewasputintothisworldtomeetyourneeds
butyou.»Thisisespeciallytruewithsex.WhenrecoveringNiceGuysdecideto
take responsibility for their own needs and take matters into their own hands,
theyputthemselvesinapositiontogetthequantityandqualityofsextheywant.
Letmeexplain.
Allsignificantbehaviorpatternsarethesumofmany,muchsmallerbehavior
patterns.Themosteffectivewaytochangeabehavioristochangeitssmallest
elements.Forexample,ifaNiceGuysisnotgettingasmuchsexashewantsor
isn’t getting the kind of sex he wants, the only way to change this behavior
patternistochangeitssmallestcomponents.Ratherthangoingoutandtryingto
have more sex, it is more effective to change the little things that create the
overallpatternofnotgettingmuchsex.
Changethelittlethings,andthebigpicturechangesasaresult.
Before Nice Guys can have exciting, passionate, and fulfilling sexual
experiences with other people, they must learn how to have the same with
themselves. By taking matters into their own hands —by practicing healthy
masturbation—recoveringNiceGuyscanchangethemostbasicdynamicsthat
shapethebiggerpictureofhowtheydosex.
Considerthelogic:
UntilaNiceGuy can be sexualwithhimselfwithoutshame, he won’t be
abletobesexualwithanotherpersonwithoutshame.
Until a Nice Guy is comfortable giving pleasure to himself, he won’t be
abletoreceivepleasurefromsomeoneelse.
UntilaNiceGuycantakeresponsibilityforhisownarousalandpleasure
whenheisbyhimself,hewon’tbeabletotakeresponsibilityforhisown
arousalandpleasurewheniswithsomeoneelse.
UntilaNiceGuycanbesexualwithhimselfwithoutusingpornographyor
fantasytodistracthimself,hewon’tbeabletohavesexwithsomeoneelse
withoutneedingsimilarthingstodistracthim.
Nice Guys can begin to change these dynamics by practicing what I call
healthymasturbation.Healthymasturbationisaprocessoflettingsexualenergy
unfold. It has no goal or destination. It’s not just about orgasms. It does not
requireoutsidestimulationfrompornographyanddoesn’tusetrancesorfantasy
to stay distracted from shame and fear. It is about learning to pay attention to
whatfeels good. Mostofall,itis aboutacceptingsoleresponsibilityfor one’s
sexualpleasureandexpression.
ManyNiceGuys are initiallyuncomfortablewiththediscussion of healthy
masturbation.Theconceptseemslikeanoxymoron.Ingeneral,NiceGuyshave
tremendous internalized shame around masturbation. They also frequently
surround themselves with people who reinforce this shame (partner, religion,
etc.). Many Nice Guys also struggle with compulsive masturbation. They fear
thatattemptinganykindofself-gratificationmightopenupPandora’sBox.
I have found that when recovering Nice Guys work on learning how to
pleasure themselves without using fantasy or pornography there is no way for
theirbehaviortobecomecompulsive.Ihavealsofoundthatwhentheysharethe
experiencewithothernon-judgmentalmen,theirshamediminishesrapidly.
ANoteAboutPornography.
Iamnotopposedtopornographylegallyormorally,butIthinkitisbadfor
menforseveralreasons:
Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of what people should
likeandwhatsexshouldbelike.
Pornographyaddictsmentobodiesandbodyparts.
Pornography can easily become a substitute for a real sexual
relationship.
Pornographycreatesatranceinwhichmencanbesexualwhilestaying
distractedfromtheirshameandfear.
Pornographycompoundsshamebecauseitisusuallyhiddenandused
insecret.
ItellNiceGuys,ifyouaregoingtousepornography,doitopenly.Doing
sotendstobreakthetranceandtakesthebuzzoutofit.
ANoteAboutFantasy
Fantasy is a form of dissociation —the process of separating one’s body
from one’s mind. When a person fantasizes while being sexual he is
purposefully and actively leaving his body. While some sex therapists
advocatefantasyasawayofimprovingasexlife,itisactuallythebestway
I know to kill it. Fantasizing during sex makes about as much sense as
thinkingaboutaBigMacwhileeatingagourmetmeal.Abouttheonlything
fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from his shame and fear or
coverupthefactthatheishavingbadsex.
HealthymasturbationhelpstherecoveringNiceGuychangethecoredynamics
thatpreventhimfromgettinggoodsex.Healthymasturbation:
Helpsremovetheshameandfearofbeingsexual.
PutstheNiceGuyinchargeofhisownsexualneeds.
Removesdependencyonunavailablepartnersorpornography.
HelpstheNiceGuylearntopleasethepersonthatmattersmost—himself.
GivestheNiceGuypermissiontohaveasmuchgoodsexashewants.
PutstheNiceGuyinchargeofhisownpleasure.
Changing these dynamics through healthy masturbation enhances and
intensifiestheexperienceofmakinglovewithanotherperson.Terranceprovides
agoodexample.
Terranceoriginallycametotherapylookingforaquickfixtohis«problem»
so his fiancée would not break up with him. In the first several sessions, I
focusedon the subject ofhimmaking his needsapriority. As withmostNice
Guys, this initially made him uncomfortable (to put it mildly). Terrance was
terrifiedthatifhewasn’tagreatloveranddidn’tkeephisgirlfriendhappy,she
wouldleavehimlikehisex-wifedid.
I began by encouraging Terrance to do a few non-sexual things just for
himself.I reassuredhimregularlythatthis wouldmakehimmoreattractive to
his fiancée, not less. As he began to discover that making his needs a priority
didn’t drive his girlfriend away, we took it to the next step. I talked with
Terranceabouthealthymasturbation.Iencouragedhimtofindatimewhenhe
wouldbeundisturbedinwhichhecouldfocusonhisownpleasureandarousal.I
suggestedthathedothiswithouthavingagoalofclimaxingandwithoutusing
fantasyorpornography.Iencouragedhimtopayattentiontowhatfeltgoodto
himandtoobservethewaysheunconsciouslytriedtodistracthimselffromhis
shameandfear.
IttookafewweeksforTerrancetocarryouttheassignment.Thefirsttime
he tried it he reported not feeling «much of anything.» I encouraged him to
continuetheassignmentatleastonceaweek.Afterafewweekshereportedthat
hewasactuallybeginningtoenjoypleasuringhimselfbutfeltsomeshameand
fearthathisfiancéewouldbemadathim.
I invited Terrance to bring his fiancée to therapy to work on shifting their
sexualpatterns.WetalkedaboutTerrancetakinghisfocusoffherarousal and
orgasmsandbeginningtofocusmoreonhimself.
Hisgirlfriendactuallyexpressedrelief.Sherevealedthatitfeltlikeaburden
whenTerranceexpectedhertohavemultipleorgasms.Insteadoftellinghimthis
inthepast,shehadjustfakedit.
As they communicated about their experience of making love, the patterns
begantoshift.Theyactuallybeganspendingmoretimetalkingwitheachother
aboutwhattheylikedanddidn’tlikewhiletheywerehavingsex.Eventhoughit
was initially difficult,Terrance shared with his fiancée what he had found out
about himself from his own healthy masturbation. He was surprised when she
expressedinterestinpleasuringhimandhavingareciprocalsexualrelationship
withhim.
Afterafewmonths,Terranceandhisfiancéegotmarriedasplanned.Both
expressed how relieved they were to discard their old way of doing sex for a
moreintimate,connectingway.
BreakingFreeActivity#38
Set aside a time to practice healthy masturbation. Choose a comfortable
place where you will be undisturbed. Practice by looking at yourself and
touching yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay attention to
howitfeelstoexperienceyoursexualitywithoutanygoalsoragendas(such
ashavinganorgasm).Alsoobserveanytendencytodistractyourselffrom
what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, becoming goal-oriented,
having distracting thoughts, loss of physical sensation). Just observe these
experiencesandusethemasinformationaboutyourshameandfear.
Saying«No»ToBadSexHelpsNiceGuysGetTheSexTheyWant
Whenitcomestosex, NiceGuysareconsummatebottomfeeders. Theysettle
for scraps and come back begging for more. Nice Guys settle for distorted
imagesofbodiesinpornography.Theysettleforthefacelesssexof900numbers
and chat rooms. They settle for trying to persuade unavailable people to
begrudgingly be sexual with them. They settle for quick, compulsive
masturbation. They settle for passionless, mechanical lovemaking. They settle
fortrancesandfantasy.NiceGuysdoalotofsettling.
As long as a Nice Guy is willing to settle for bad sex, he limits his
opportunitiestoexperiencegoodsex.
IregularlytellNiceGuys,«Youhavetobewillingtoletgoofwhatyou’ve
gottogetwhatyouwant.»
Good sex can occur only when a recovering Nice Guy decides to stop
settlingforbadsex!
Sowhatdoesgoodsexlooklike?Ifwebaseouransweronwhatweseein
moviesorpornography,wewillonlykeepperpetuatingaformulaforbadsex.
HereishowIdefine«goodsex.»
Goodsexconsistsoftwopeopletakingfullresponsibilityformeetingtheir
own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than
beingaperformance,itisanunfoldingofsexualenergy.
It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and
vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own
pleasure,passion,andarousal,andstayconnectedtothosesamethingsintheir
partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable,
spontaneous,andmemorableways.
When recovering Nice Guys decide they will no longer settle for anything
less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something
different.
Theyletgooftheconceptofbeingagreatlover.
Theypracticebeingclearanddirect.
Theychooseavailablepartners.
Theydon’tsettleforscraps.
Theydecidethatbadsexisnotbetterthannosex!
AaronisagoodexampleofwhatcanhappenwhenarecoveringNiceGuy
decidestosay«no»tobadsex.ForthefirstfewweeksintheNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy!group,Aaronventedhisfrustrationsandsharedhowhelplesshefelttoget
Hannah to want to have sex with him. It was obvious that Aaron believed his
wifeheldthekeytohissexualhappinessandthathewasangryoverherwillful
refusaltousethatkey.Asaresult,hefelt«rejected»and«worthless.»
After a few weeks, I suggested that Aaron go on a sexual moratorium in
which he refrained from having sex with Hannah for a period of six months.
DuringthistimeIsuggestedthathefocusondoingthingshehadgivenupwhen
heandHannahgotmarried.IalsoencouragedhimtotellHannahwhateverhe
wasfeeling.Isharedwithhimthatasexualmoratoriumwouldmakeiteasierfor
himtodothesethingsbecausehewouldn’tbesoconcernedaboutmaintaining
thepossibilityofheravailability.Iftheyweren’thavingsex,hewouldn’thaveto
worry about doing something that might make her angry and cause her to
withholdsex.
Atfirst,AaronwasbewilderedastohowthisplancouldgetHannahtowant
tohavemoresexwithhim.
I told him the goal was not to get her to have more sex, but for him to
reclaimhiskeyandstopfeelinglikeavictim.
Even though he was initially hesitant, he acknowledged that he wasn’t
having much sex anyway. With the support of the men in the group, Aaron
decidedtogohomethatnightandtellhiswifewhatheplannedtodo.
Thenextweek,Aaronsharedwiththegroupwhathehadtoldhiswife.He
reportedthatshewasinitiallyangry,butoverthecourseoftheweek,hadacted
morelovingtowardhimthanshehadinmonths.
Overthenextsixmonths,Aaronsharedhisexperienceswiththegroup.On
several occasions he reported doing things for himself that previously would
havecreatedtremendousanxiety.Hewentoutwithsomeguyfriendshehadn’t
seeninacoupleofyears.Hebegantosharehisfeelingswithhiswife.
Onmorethanoneoccasion,thisincludedtellingherwhenhewasangryat
her.Heevenletherknowonacoupleofoccasionswhenhewasn’tinthemood
to listen to her talk about her problems. He also found that he became more
honest—revealingthingstoherthathehadpreviouslykepttohimself.
Aaron also reported that his wife had made some sexual advances toward
him. She revealed to him that since he was not pursuing her, she felt freer to
movetowardhim.She also expressed that shelikedbeingable to have sexual
energywithAaron,withoutitalwayshavingtoendupinintercourse.
After six months, Aaron reported feeling less resentful and much closer to
hiswife.Healsodiscoveredhowtogethisneedsmetandexpresshisfeelings
more directly, instead of through sex. Most importantly, when he and Hannah
didstarthavingsexagain,hefeltmuchmoreconnectedtohiswife.
BreakingFreeActivity#39
Considergoingonasexualmoratorium.Consciouslyrefrainfromsexfora
predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it
can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea,
butoncetheymakethedecisiontodoit,they findit to be a very positive
experience.Asexualmoratoriumcanhavemanybenefits:
Helpsbreakdysfunctioncycles.
Eliminatespursuinganddistancing.
Releasesresentment.
AllowstheNiceGuytoseethathecanlivewithoutsex.
HelpstheNiceGuyrealizethatnooneelsebuthimholdsthekeytohis
sexualexperience.
HelpstheNiceGuyseehowhesettlesforbadsex.
Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy’s partner can withhold sex or
approval.
Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses.
Whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can
automaticallyaskhimself,«WhyamIfeelingsexual?»
Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive
masturbation,pornography,andotheraddictivebehaviors.
HelpstheNiceGuybegintoaddressfeelingshehasbeenavoidingwith
sex.
Beforebeginning a sexualmoratorium,discussitwith your partner. It
helpstosetaspecifictime.
Isuggestthreetosixmonths.Itcanbedone.
Decideontheparametersofthemoratorium.Onceyouhavebegun,pay
attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your
partner.Remember,itisalearningexperience.
Youdon’thavetodoitperfectly.
Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The
SexTheyWant
Innature,thealphamaleandthebullmoosedon’tsitaroundtryingtofigureout
what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong,
competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what
theydo,prospectivematesareattracted.
Asinnature,thegreatestaphrodisiacisself-confidence.AsrecoveringNice
Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more
attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As
recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people
respond.
I’velistenedtorecoveringNiceGuystellof«selfishly»puttingtheirneeds
firstandthenbeingsurprisedwhenaseeminglyunavailablepartnerexpressesa
desiretobesexual.Oneclient,whohadn’thadsexwithhiswifein14months,
sharedinaNiceGuygroupthathewastiredoflisteningtohiswifecomplain
aboutherworkproblems.Thatnight,forthefirsttimein15yearsofmarriage,
he told his wife that he was too tired to listen. Even though she was initially
angry,laterthatnightsheaskedhimifhewantedtomakelove.
AForceOfNature
Theverythingthatmakessexsoexcitingisexactlywhatmakesitsoterrifying.
Sexispowerful,chaotic,andwild.Itcrackleswithcosmicenergy.Itdrawsus
likeamothtoaflame.AsrecoveringNiceGuysreleasetheirsexualshameand
fear,takeresponsibilityfortheirownpleasure,refusetosettleforbadsex,and
practicebeingjustwhotheyare,theyputthemselvesinthepositiontoembrace
this cosmic force without fear or reservation. This is when the sex really gets
good.
Chapter9
GetTheLifeYouWant:
DiscoverYourPassionAndPurposeInLife,WorkAnd
Career
Iftherewerenolimitsonyourlife:
Wherewouldyoulive?
Whatwouldyoubedoinginyourleisuretime?
Whatkindofworkwouldyoubeengagedin?
Whatwouldyourhomeandsurroundingslooklike?
Asyoulookattherealityofyourlife,askyourselftwoquestions:First,are
youcreatingthelifeyouwant?Second,ifnot,whynot?
Ingeneral,theNiceGuyswithwhomIhaveworkedhavebeenintelligent,
industrious, and competent individuals. While most are at least moderately
successful,themajorityhavenotliveduptotheirfullabilitiesorpotential.Nor
havetheycreatedthekindoflifetheyreallydesire.
SinceNiceGuysspendsomuchtimeseekingapproval,hidingtheirflaws,
playingitsafe,anddoingtheoppositeofwhatworks,itmakessensethatthey
wouldtypicallyfallshortofbeingalltheycanbe.Thisisperhapsthegreatest
tragedywroughtbytheNiceGuySyndrome—countlessintelligentandtalented
menwastingtheirlivesandwallowinginthemireofmediocrity.
NiceGuysOnTheJob
Most Nice Guys initially come to counseling to deal with the way their life
paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships. These relationship problems
often overshadow the reality that they are equally dissatisfied with their job,
career,orlifedirectioningeneral.ThedynamicsthatkeepNiceGuysstuckin
dysfunctional,unsatisfyingrelationshipsareoftenthesamedynamicsthatkeep
themstuckindysfunctionalandunsatisfyingvocations.
TherearenumerousreasonswhyNiceGuystendtobelessthantheycanbe
inlife,work,andcareer.
Theseinclude:
Fear
Tryingtodoitright
Tryingtodoeverythingthemselves
Self-sabotage
Adistortedself-image
Deprivationthinking
Stayingstuckinfamiliarbutdysfunctionalsystems
FearPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
IfIweretoidentifyonecommonfactoratthecoreofeveryproblemexperienced
byNiceGuys,itwouldbefear.PrettymucheverythingNiceGuysdoordon’t
do is governed by fear. Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted
neuronsintheirbrains.Theirinteractionsaredictatedbythepoliticsoffear.
Itisfear that prevents a Nice Guyfromdemanding the raise he hasbeen
promised.
It is fear that keeps a Nice Guy from going back to school to get the
educationortrainingheneedstopursueatrulyfulfillingcareer.
ItisfearthatpreventsaNiceGuyfromquittingajobhedespises.
It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his
dreams.
ItisfearthatpreventsaNiceGuyfromlivingwherehereallywantstolive
anddoingwhathereallywantstodo.
NiceGuysareafraidofmakingamistake,afraidofdoingitwrong,afraidof
failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the
paradoxicalfearofsuccess.NiceGuysaretypicallyafraidthatiftheyaretruly
successful:
Theywillbefoundouttobefrauds.
Theywon’tbeabletoliveuptopeople’sexpectations.
Theywillbecriticized.
Theywon’tbeabletohandletheincreasedexpectations.
Theywilllosecontrolovertheirlives.
Theywilldosomethingtomessupeverything.
Rather than facing these fears —real or imagined— Nice Guys typically
settleforoperatingatafractionoftheirfullpotential.
TryingToDoItRightPreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeThey
Want
Theessenceofalllifeisevolutionandchange.Inorderforthisprocesstooccur
naturallyandcompletelyinanindividual,apersonhastobewillingtoletgoof
control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to
resonatethroughone’sself.Theresultisadynamic,fulfillinglife.
Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and
uneventful. They do this by trying to «do it right» and following the «rules.»
Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any
creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from
livinguptotheirfullpotential.
TryingtodoitrightrobsNiceGuysoftheircreativityandproductivity.
StrivingforperfectionkeepsNiceGuysfocusedontheirimperfections.
Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in
mediocrity.
Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking
risksortryingsomethingnew.
FollowingtherulesmakeNiceGuysrigid,cautious,andfearful.
It is because of these self-imposed limits that many Nice Guys are
dissatisfied,bored,orunhappywiththeirlifeandvocation.
TryingToDoEverythingThemselvesPreventsNiceGuysFromGetting
theLifeTheyWant
As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways.
Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were
abandoned.Allgrewupbelievingthatitwasabadordangerousthingforthem
tohaveneeds.Allgrewupconvincedthatiftheyweregoingtohaveanythingin
life,itwouldbeuptothem.
Consequently,NiceGuysareterriblereceivers.Theyareterrifiedofasking
forhelp.Theyarecompletelymiserablewhenotherstrytogivetothem.They
havedifficultydelegatingtoothers.
Becausetheybelievetheyhavetodoitallthemselves,NiceGuysrarelylive
uptotheirfullpotential.
Nobodycanbe good at everything or succeed allontheirown.NiceGuys
believetheyshouldbeableto.
They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none.
This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in
anyareaoflife.
Self-SabotagePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
Becauseoftheirfearofsuccess,NiceGuysaremastersofself-sabotage.They
underminetheirsuccessby:
Wastingtime.
Makingexcuses.
Notfinishingprojects.
Caretakingotherpeople.
Havingtoomanyprojectsgoingatonce.
Gettingcaughtupinchaoticrelationships.
Procrastinating.
Notsettingboundaries.
NiceGuysaretypicallygoodatlookingjustgoodenough.Buttobereally
great —to really rise to the top— invites too much unwanted attention and
scrutiny.Thebrightlightsofsuccessthreatentoilluminatetheirself-perceived
cracksandflaws.
Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are
nevertoosuccessful.Iftheydon’tstartsomething,theywon’tfail.Iftheydon’t
finish something, they won’t be criticized. If they have too much going on at
once, they won’t have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good
excuses,peoplewon’texpecttoomuchofthem.
ADistortedSelfImagePreventsNiceGuysFromGettingtheLifeThey
Want
Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood,
Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature
logictheycametotheconclusionthatiftheirneedswerenotimportant,neither
were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys
believetheyarenotimportantorgoodenough.
IfaNice Guy was calledontotakecareof a critical,needy,ordependent
parent,hereceivedadoubledoseoftoxicshame.Achildbelievesheshouldbe
abletopleaseacriticalparent,fixtheproblemsofadepressedparent,andmeet
theneedsofasmotheringparent.Unfortunately,hecan’t.
Asaresultoftheirinabilitytofix,please,ortakecareofoneormore
parents,manyNiceGuysdevelopedadeep-seatedsenseofinadequacy.
Theybelievedtheyshouldbeabletodothejob.
Nevertheless,theynevercouldseemtodoitrightorgoodenough—mom
wasstilldepressed,dadwasstillcritical.
This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into
adulthood.SomeNiceGuyscompensatebytryingtodoeverythingright.They
hopethatbydoingso,noonewilleverfindouthowinadequatetheyare.Other
NiceGuysjustgiveupbeforetheytry.
This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves
visible,takingchances,ortryingsomethingnew.Itkeepstheminthesameold
rut,never seeinghowtalentedandintelligenttheyreallyare.Everyone around
them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won’t let them
accuratelyseetheirtruepotentialandability.
Theresult ofthisdistortedself-imageisanemotionaland cognitiveglass
ceiling.ThisinvisiblelidpreventsNiceGuysfrombeingalltheycanbe.Ifthey
dotrytoriseaboveit,theybumptheirheadsandtumbledowntomorefamiliar
territory.
DeprivationThinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting theLife They
Want
Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for Nice
Guys that there wasn’t enough of what they needed to go around. This
deprivationexperiencebecamethelensesthroughwhichtheyviewedtheworld.
This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative
andcontrolling.Itcausesthemtobelievetheybetterhangontowhatthey’vegot
andnottaketoomanychances.Itleadsthemtoresentotherpeoplewhoseemto
havewhattheylack.
Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don’t
believetheydeservetohavegoodthings.Theyfindallkindsofwaystomake
suretheirviewoftheworldisneverchallenged.Theysettleforscrapsandthink
it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why
they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling
beliefs,NiceGuysrarelyliveuptotheirpotentialorgetwhattheyreallywantin
life.
Staying Stuck In Dysfunctional, But Familiar Systems Prevents Nice
GuysFromGettingtheLifeTheyWant
As stated in previous chapters, two major factors prevent Nice Guys from
gettingwhattheywantinlove.Thefirstisthattheytendtorecreatefamiliar,yet
dissatisfying relationships. They find partners who will help them create the
samedysfunctionalkindsofrelationshipstheyexperiencedaschildren.
These men then frequently see themselves as being victims to the
dysfunction of their partners. Nice Guys have a difficult time seeing that they
wereattractedtothesepeopleforareason.
Second, Nice Guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want
becausetheyarebadenders.
When a healthy person would pack up and move on, Nice Guys just keep
doingmoreofthesame,hopingthatsomethingwillmiraculouslychange.
NiceGuysaren’tmuchdifferentintheirjobs.Theyareattractedtocareers
and work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles,
relationships,andrulesoftheirchildhood.Theyoftenseethemselvesashelpless
victimstothesesituations.Rarelydotheyseewhytheyneedthesesystemstobe
thewaytheyareandthattheyhavethechoicetoleave.
Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs and careers
keeps Nice Guys stuck and dissatisfied. While they are perpetuating the
dysfunctionoftheirchildhood,theyrarelydowhattheyreallywantorrisetothe
topoftheirchosenvocation.
RealizingYourPassionandPotential
IfrequentlytellthemeninmyNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!groupsthatmygoalis
foreveryoneofthemtoleavethegroupamillionaire.Thisstatementreallyhas
verylittletodowithmoneyormaterialwealth—itisaboutdiscoveringpassion
andlivinguptopotential.
Asstated above,theNiceGuysI counselaregenerallyintelligent,talented
men. As these men work on recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome, they
beginto accept themselvesjust as they are. Thisacceptance of the self allows
themtoembracetheirpassionsandfacetheirfears.
Theformationofamoreaccurateviewoftheselfandtheworldallowsthe
abundance of the universe to begin flowing freely into their lives. Sometimes
thistakestheformofmoney.Sometimesittakestheformoflove.Sometimesit
takestheformofsex.Sometimesittakestheformofthebrightlightsoffame.
Sometimesitincludesalloftheabove.
The remainder of this chapter presents a strategy to help recovering Nice
Guysbecomealltheycanbe.
The following pages present a plan that has already helped countless Nice
Guysdiscovertheirpassionandliveuptotheirpotential.Itcandothesamefor
you.
FacingFearsAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
Charlie could have been the poster child for passionless, underachieving Nice
Guys.WhenIfirstmetCharliehewasstuckinajobhehatedandlivingalife
characterized by mediocrity and fear. Charlie had completed his engineering
degreeacoupleofyearsbefore,yethewasstillworkingatthesamejobhehad
held before starting college. Charlie’s employers had promised him a big
promotionupongraduation.Whentheyfailedtokeeptheirpromise,Charliejust
stifledhisresentmentandkeptondoingthesameoldthinghehadalwaysdone.
Charlie’ssinglepassionwasflying.Inspiteofwarningsofdisasterfromhis
mother, he had begun taking flying lessons after he finished college. Though
Charlie dreamed of earning his pilot’s license, he never seemed to be able to
completethenecessaryrequirementstoachievehisgoal.
AwomanathisworkintroducedCharlietomywebsite.Whenhereadthe
descriptionofaNiceGuyhewasmortified.Hecouldn’tfigureouthowsomeone
couldknowhimsowell.Ittookhimsixmonthsbeforeheworkedupthenerve
tosendmeanemail.Ittookhimanothertwomonthstosendmeasecond.From
thefirsttimeCharlielookedatmywebsiteheknewheneededtojoinamen’s
group,buttheideaofbeingthatvulnerableterrifiedhim.
ItwasatthatpointthatCharliemadeadecisionthatchangedhislife.Charlie
decidedthatifsomethingfrightenedhimthatmuch,heneededtofacehisfear
anddoit.Littledidheknowthen,butthatdecisionwasjustthebeginningofa
journey that would lead Charlie toward the rediscovery of his passion and
purposeinlife.
OverthenextyearandahalfCharlielivedbyonecredo:Ifhewasafraidof
something, he confronted that fear. Charlie’s progress was slow but steady.
Basically,hecrawleduntilhecouldwalk.Hetookbabystepsuntilhecouldrun.
Oncehegotgoing,therewasnostoppinghim.
OvertheperiodofabouteighteenmonthsCharlietookseveralstepstoward
rediscoveringhispassionandpurposeinlife.
He became more and more active in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men’s
group,revealinghimselfandconfrontingfellowgroupmembers.
Hebeganlookingattheneglectheexperiencedandthedistortedfear-based
messageshereceivedinhisfamily.
Heaskedhisfathertocometocounselingwithhimwhereheconfrontedhim
onhisunavailabilityandlackofconcernforhiswellbeinginchildhood.
Hequitblaminghislackofmoneyforflyinglessonsonhisgirlfriend.
He changed flying schools when his current school was unable to provide
himwiththetypeofinstructionandequipmentheneeded.
He began interviewing for jobs that took advantage of his engineering
degree.
He began confronting his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about
playingitsafe,anddistortedbeliefsabouthisqualificationsasanengineer.
He confronted his girlfriend (whom he was initially terrified of) about her
lackofparticipationinhouseholdresponsibilities.
Hetookhissoloflightandgothispilot’slicense.
Heallowedhismen’sgrouptotakehimoutforhisbirthdaytoarestaurant
wherehefacedhisfearofbeingthecenterofattention.
Heappliedforandgotajobwithanengineeringfirmthatexpressedabelief
thathewascapable,talented,andhadsomethingtooffertheircompany.
When Charlie told the group about getting the job I realized that I had
witnessedametamorphosisofepicproportions.Charliehadgonefrombeingan
introverted,frightened,andpassiveNiceGuy,toanevolvingmanwithpassion
andpurpose.
I asked Charlie to send me an email with his formula for success. Here is
whathewrote:
Bob,
HereisroughlyhowIarrivedatthenewjob.
1. Very first before anything else could happen I had to stop
beingavictim.
2. Beganbysettingboundaries.Atfirsttheyweresmallonesand
theygrewwithtime.
3. From the boundaries being set and respected I started
believinginmyself.
4. Honestycamealongsomewhereduringthistime.
5. Believing that I am an adult, I have an education, and I am
qualifiedtotakeontheroleofanIndustrialEngineer
6. I always knew that my previous employer was dysfunctional
andthatitwascomfortableforareason.
Charlie
BreakingFreeActivity#40
Lookoverthelistbelow.Chooseoneoftheitemsandnameatangiblefear
fromyourlife.Writedownhowyouwillconfrontthatspecificissue.Then,
takeasmallsteptowardfacingthatfear.
Asksomeonetoencourageandsupportyou.Don’ttrytodoitalone.
Remember,nomatterwhathappens,youwillhandleit.
Askforaraiseorpromotion
Quitanunsatisfyingjob
Startyourownbusiness
Gobacktoschool
Confrontaconflictsituation
Promoteanideaorsomethingyouhavecreated
Pursuealifelonggoal
Spendmoretimewithahobbyorinterest
ChartingTheirOwnPathAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
Most folks —Nice Guys included— do not consciously take responsibility for
creatingthekindoflifetheywant.Mostpeoplejustacceptwheretheyareand
actasiftheyhavelittlepowerinshapinganexciting,productive,andfulfilling
life.
WhenItalkwithNiceGuysabouttakingchargeoftheirlives,mosthavea
difficult time wrapping their brain around the concept. It just doesn’t fit their
paradigmthattheycanmakechoicesandacttomakethesechoicesareality.
IencourageNiceGuystovisualizecreatingalifewheretheydowhatthey
loveandgetpaidforit.Mostofthemhavedifficultywiththisconcept.Theyact
asifIamaskingthemtobelieveafairytale.
Occasionallytheywilldismisstheideawiththeexcuse,«Noteverybodycan
beluckylikeyou(referringtome)andhaveajobtheyreallyloveandgetpaid
wellforittoo.»Forawhile,Iacceptedthislogicuntilitdawnedonmethatthe
lifeIwaslivinghadnothingtodowithluck.
Earninga Ph.D. involved a conscious decision, persistence,and hardwork
—notluck.
Buildingacounselingpracticeinvolvedfacingfears,quittingasecure,well-
payingjob,makingsacrifices,workingasecondjobtopaybills,learningbytrial
anderror,andalivingthroughaperiodofpoverty—notluck.
Developing my skills as a therapist involved a commitment to personal
growth, constant evolution, and a financial investment in my own therapeutic
process—notluck.
Writing a book, building a website, and getting published required
persistenceandtheconfrontationofnumerousfears—notluck.
I’mnotanythingspecial.I’manordinaryguywithordinarytalents.Ihave
manyofthesamefearsastheNiceGuyswithwhomIwork.Idon’thaveany
specialtalentorskillthatthemajorityofmyclientsdon’thave.
What’sthedifference?
Aconsciousdecisiontofacefears.
Aconsciousdecisiontonotsettleformediocrity.
Aconsciousdecisiontomakemyownrules.
Thinkaboutthepeopleyourespectorlookupto.Mostprobablystartedwith
nothing but still found ways to create interesting, productive, and passionate
lives. These people charted their own paths and made their own rules. What
makes them different? Most are just ordinary people who took charge of their
lives.
Here’s the good news —if they can do it, so can you. One of my favorite
affirmationsis,Whatonemancando,anothermancando.Thinkaboutit—if
others have taken charge and created lives worth emulating, so can you. The
onlythingstoppingyoufromhavingthekindoflifeyoureallywantisyou.
Itis timetostartchartingyourownpath, makingyourownrules, andmaking
yourdreamsareality.
BreakingFreeActivity#41
What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it
happen? Write down three things you want to make happen in your life.
Thenwriteapersonalaffirmationthatwilltakeyouwhereyouwanttogo
andpostitonasheetofpaperwhereyoucanseeit.Shareyourdreamsand
youraffirmationwithasafeperson.
LettingGoOfTryingToDoItRightAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLife
TheyWant
ThisbookbeganasafewchaptersIplannedtowritetogivetothemeninmy
firstNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!group.Initially,whentherewasnoagendaorgoal,
my writing was a spontaneous recording of my growing insight into the Nice
GuySyndrome.Beforelong,clientsandfamilymembersbegansuggestingthatI
writeabook.ItseemedlikealogicalextensionofwhatIwasalreadydoingso
theideamadeperfectsense.
Itwasatthattimethatsomethingbegantochange.Ratherthanbeingjusta
fewinsightsandillustrationswrittenforthebenefitofahandfulofclients,my
effort became directed at producing something that would be deserving of
publicationand widespreaddistribution. I began hearing people suggest things
like«bestseller,»«Oprah,»and«getrich.»
Whatwasonceaneffortlesslaboroflovebegantofalterundertheweightof
expectation.Inordertoliveuptotheloftystandardspeopleweresuggesting,my
bookhadbetterbegood.Notjustgood—perfect!
WiththatagendaIlaboredforsixyearstocompleteNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!
ThemostcommonquestionIwasaskedbyfriendsandfamilyduringthistime
was«Whenareyougoingtofinishyourbook?»
Overtheyearsthemanuscriptwentthroughatleastthreemajorrevisionsas
wellasextensiveediting.
Numerousfactorscontributedtothelengthoftimeittooktofinishthebook,
butthenumberonereasonwasthatIthoughtithadtobeperfect.Ithoughtthe
bookhadtobeperfecttobepublished.Ithoughtithadtobeperfectforanyone
tobuyit.Itthoughtithadtobeperfectforittohelpanyone.
Unfortunately, this gross misperception had a number of detrimental
consequences:IbelievedIhadtowriteeverythingIknewabouttheNiceGuy
Syndrome! The original manuscript of this book was probably four times its
presentlength.IbelievedIhadtobeaneloquentwriter.Ibelievedthetexthad
tobeflawless.
I went to therapy to find out why I couldn’t finish my book. My children
became disillusioned, predicting that I never would finish. My wife half-
seriouslythreatenedtoleavemeifIdidn’tfinish.
Finally,afteryearsoffrustration,Ihadabreakthrough.Averywiseperson
suggested that I give myself permission to never publish the book. I felt an
immediatesenseofrelief.
I realized that I had gotten away from my original goal —to write a few
insightsthatwouldhelpafewmenlivebetterlives.OnceIletgooftheburden
of having to get published, be a bestselling author, and appear on Oprah,
everything changed. I went back to my original agenda. From then on when I
wrote,Ionlyaskedmyselfonething:«Willthishelpmyclientsfindanswersto
theirproblems?»Ialsokeptremindingmyselfthatmyclientswouldnevergeta
chancetobenefitfrommyinsightifIneverfinishedthebook.
Once I gave up the belief that No More Mr. Nice Guy! had to be perfect,
thingsbegantofallintoplace.Icompletedthebook.Clientsreportedthatitwas
changingtheirlives.Therapistsbegantorequestcopiesfortheirclients.Radio
talk show hosts and newspaper and magazine writers began contacting me for
interviews.Ihiredanagent.Publishersbeganpursuingme.
Trying to do it right only sucked the life out of No More Mr. Nice Guy!
Letting go and letting it just be «good enough» set me free to embrace my
passion and create something of lasting value. This same principle applies to
everyareaoftherecoveringNiceGuy’slife.
BreakingFreeActivity#42
How does your perfectionism or need to do it right get in the way of
realizingyour passionand potential?Pick one thing that you have always
wantedtodo:Writeabook,turnyourhobbyintoabusiness,move,goback
toschool,fullyembraceatalent.
Now, ask yourself the question: If you knew ahead of time that this
endeavor would be a success, would you hesitate to do it? Would this
knowledge set you free from the belief that you have to do it perfectly?
Would this knowledge motivate you to get started or complete what you
havealreadybegun?Whatriskswould youbewillingtotakeifyou knew
aheadoftimethattherewasnowayforyoutofail?
Whatareyouwaitingfor?Letgooftheneedtodoitperfectlyandjust
doit!
LearningToAskForHelpAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLifeTheyWant
AmajorreasonNiceGuysfrequentlyfailtoliveuptotheirpotentialisthatthey
believetheyhavetodoeverythingthemselves.Philisagoodexample.
Phil’sgoalinlifewastoberich.Heseemedtohavealotofthingsgoingfor
him: He was good looking, intelligent, outgoing, and funny. Yet Phil always
seemedtofallwayshortofachievinghisloftygoalsanddreams.Anumberof
thingsgotintheway—takingshortcuts,procrastination,andinsecuritiesabout
whetherhedeservedtogetwhathereallywanted.
PerhapsPhil’sgreatestroadblockwas hisdifficultyaskingpeople forhelp.
Phil had a number of faulty core beliefs about people helping him. He didn’t
believe he deserved to get what he wanted. He didn’t believe his needs were
importanttootherpeople.Hebelievedthesurestwaynottogethisneedsmet
wastoaskinclearanddirectways.
One day in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men’s group, Phil was lamenting
aboutthelackofsexinhisrelationshipwithhiswife.IaskedPhilifheaskedhis
wife to have sex with him. He said «no.» I asked him if he believed his wife
wantedtohavesexwithhim.Tothishealsorepliedinthenegative.
I told Phil that I thought his lack of sex was symptomatic of a bigger
problem in his life —him not thinking his needs were important and not
believingthatotherpeoplewantedtohelphimmeethisneeds.Isuggestedthat
changinghisbeliefsabouthissexualneedsmightbetheplacetobeginchanging
corebeliefsthatpreventedhimfromhavingotherthingshewantedinlife.
Thenextweek,Philwasgrinningfromeartoear.«MywifeandIhadsex,»
he beamed. Thegroup sharedin his enthusiasm. They wanted to know how it
happened.«Iasked,»wasPhil’ssimplereply.
IquestionedPhilhowhiswifefeltabouthavingsexwithhim.«Shewasfine
aboutit,»hereplied.«Shesaidshelikeshavingsexwithme,butthatIhadn’t
askedinalongtimesoshedidn’tthinkIwasinterested.»
Aweeklater,Philtoldthegrouphewasdreadingaskinghisfather-in-lawto
borrowmoneytogettheoldsingle-panewindowsreplacedonhishouse.Some
ofthegroupmembersbeganaskingquestionsaboutthecost.Somesharedthat
theyhaddonethatkindofprojectbefore.IsuggestedthatPhilaskthegroupto
helphim.Itwaslikepullingteeth,butPhilaskedthemeniftheywouldhelphim
replace his windows. The members of the group responded unanimously that
theywouldbegladto.AboutamonthlaterthemengottogetheratPhil’shouse
andhadtheequivalentofanoldfashionbarn-raising.
These two experiences had a tremendous impact on Phil. He began to see
thathis needs were important,thatpeople wanted tohelp him meet hisneeds,
andthatthesurestwayofgettingpeopletohelpwastoask.
Philbegantobuildonthisnewparadigm.Withinafewweeksheshareda
planwiththegrouptostarthisownbusiness.Afriendofthefamilyhadoffered
tohelphimgetstartedinhisownlandscapingbusiness.Thisprospectespecially
excitedhimbecausetheseasonalworkwouldallowhimtoteachsnowboarding
duringthewinter—alifelongdream.
Anoldfriendofferedtobehisfinancialbacker.Hiswifevolunteeredtolook
for a jobthat paid health insurance benefits. Men in the groupoffered tohelp
himwriteabusinessplanandsetuphisbookkeeping.
Aslong as Philtriedtodoeverything himself,hestruggledtogetwhat he
wanted.Oncehestartedaskingforhelpandlettingpeoplebethereforhim,his
lifebegantoturnaround.Heisnowheadedinthedirectionofcreatingthekind
oflifeandvocationhehasalwaysdreamedof.
BreakingFreeActivity#43
Doyoubelieveyourneedsareimportant?Doyoubelieveotherpeoplewant
tohelpyoumeetyourneeds?
Onasheetofpaper,makealistofhelpersyouhaveinyourliferight
now. These can be friends and family members. They can be
professionalssuchasdoctors,lawyers,therapists,andCPAs.
Aftermakingthelist,answerthefollowingquestions:
Whatkindofhelpersdoyoustillneed?
Howcanyouusethesehelpersmoreeffectively?
Howdoyoupreventthesepeoplefromhelpingyou?
Start looking for opportunities to ask these people for help. Build
networks.Beforeaskingforhelp,repeattheaffirmation:Thispersonwants
tohelpmegetmyneedsmet.
IdentifyingSelf-SabotagingBehaviorsAllowsNiceGuysToGettheLife
TheyWant
Asmentionedearlierinthechapter,NiceGuysfindnumerouscreativewaysto
sabotage their success in life. They waste time, they procrastinate, they start
thingsbutdon’tfinish,theyspendtoomuchtimefixingotherpeople’sproblems,
they distract themselves with trivial pursuits, they create chaos, they make
excuses.
Sal is a good example of this. Sal was raised by a passive father and a
schizophrenic mother. Neither parent was available to pay attention to him or
meethisneeds.Atayoungagehehadtotakeresponsibilityforthewelfareof
his younger brother. Sal had virtually no options as a child. When he felt
frightenedoroverwhelmed,he wouldjusthunkerdownandtrudgeaheadwith
doggeddetermination.
As an adult, Sal ran a body shop for his uncle. His uncle was a cheap,
shortsighted, marginally involved business owner. It was Sal’s job to create a
profitable business with the limited resources and dissatisfied employees his
uncleprovided.(Salactuallyoperatedontheassumptionthatthisfeatcouldbe
successfullyaccomplished!)
EveryweekwhenSalcametomen’sgroup,hisfirstorderofbusinesswasto
pop a couple of Tylenol to quiet the stress headache created by trying to
negotiate an impossible situation at work. On one occasion I asked Sal if he
wantedtoexploreoptionsforhisworksituation.«What’stheuse?»hereplied.
«There’snothingthatcanbedone.»
For about fifteen minutes, group members asked questions and proposed
options.Sallookedlikeamanundergoingarootcanalwithnoanesthetic.
«Couldyoutalkwithyouruncleandlethimknowhowdifficultyourjobis
withtheresourceshegivesyou?»
«I’vetriedthat.Hedoesn’tcare.»
«Couldyouofferprofitsharingtomotivateyouremployees?»
«Myuncleistoocheap.Hewouldnevergoforit.»
«Couldyouhireanassistanttohelpwiththeworkload?»
«Wetriedthatonceanditdidn’tworkout.»
«Couldyougetoutofmanagementandgobacktopaintingcars?»
«Iwouldmakemoremoneybutitistootoxic.»
«Couldyougetoutoftheautobodybusinessanddosomethingelse?»
«Likewhat?I’vegotamortgage,awife,andtwokids.HowamIsupposed
tostartovernow?»
«Whatisyourpassion,yourdreamjob?»
Thistime,Salpausedforamomentbeforeanswering.«I’vealwayswanted
toteachmartialarts.Thereisnowayitcouldeverhappenthough.I’dhaveto
workeveningsandweekends.Mywifejustwouldn’tgoforthatandI’dbeaway
fromthekidstoomuch.»
With each question asked and each option proposed, Sal grew noticeably
tenser. His eyes reflected a terror as if he was being interrogated by Gestapo
agentswithcattleprodsandicepicks.Whenitbecameapparentthatexploring
possibleoptionsonlyaggravatedhisfearandcausedhimtoshutdownfurther,
thegroupmembersmercifullybackedoff.Later,Salreferredtotheexperience
as«beingreamedbythegroup.»
In most situations, Nice Guys aren’t victims to others, they victimize
themselves. By his attitudes and actions, Sal all but guaranteed that he would
neverexperienceanykindofsuccessorsatisfactioninhisjob.Itwasmuchmore
familiarandcomfortabletostaystuckinastressful,no-winsituation.
EveryNiceGuywithwhomIhaveworkedhasatsomepointhadtomakea
conscious decision to stop sabotaging himself. This is a crucial aspect in
recoveryfromtheNiceGuySyndrome.Inordertostartgettingwhattheywant
in life, work, and career, recovering Nice Guys have to make the conscious
decisiontogetoutoftheirownway.
Onewayofdoingthisisbychangingthewaytheythinkaboutchange.This
begins with Nice Guys becoming aware of why they unconsciously create so
many barriers that keep them feeling stuck. A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a
degree, debt, children —are all just excuses. Making significant life changes
doesn’t require chucking all these things. It means seeing them for what they
really are excuses —and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be
going.
Forexample,Salcouldbeginteachingmartialartsoneeveningperweek.He
couldbeginworkingatpayingdownpersonaldebttoenablehimtochangejobs
inthefuture.Hecouldrefocustimespentontrivial,unsatisfyingactivities.
BreakingFreeActivity#44
Identifyhowyousabotageyourself.Onceyouhaveidentifiedyourpatterns,
determine what you have to do differently to get what you really want.
Review each item below and identify specific behaviors that will help you
stopsabotagingyourselfandachieveyourgoals.
Focus
Doitnow
Accept«goodenough»ratherthan«perfect»
Finishwhatyoustart
Don’tstartnewprojectsuntiltheoldonesarecompletelyfinishedDon’t
makeexcuses
Detachfromotherpeople’sproblems
Shareyourstrategywithasafeperson.Checkinwiththemonaregular
basis to monitor how you are doing (failing to do this part would be an
effectivewaytosabotageyourself).
DevelopingAMoreAccurateViewOfTheWorldAllowsNiceGuysTo
GettheLifeTheyWant
Ever wonder why other people seem to have so much more than you —more
money,abetterjob,anicecar,aprettierwife?Doyouenvythesepeople?Do
youresentthemforhavingwhatyoudon’t?Doyouwonderwhenitwillbeyour
turn?
Duetotheirearlylifeexperiences,NiceGuystendtoberuledbydeprivation
thinking.Theybelievethereisonlysomuchtogoaround,andifsomeoneelse
alreadyhasalot,thereislessforthem.
NiceGuyshaveadifficulttimecomprehendingthatweliveinanabundant,
ever-expandinguniverse.
Theytendtoseethegoodiesasbeinginshortsupply.Theyhangontightly
towhatthey’vegot,fearingtherewon’tbemorewhenitisgone.Theybelieve
theyhavetocontrolandmanipulatetoensurethatwhatlittleisouttherewon’t
go away. They play it safe, not trusting that their needs will always be
abundantlymet.
Thisparadigm ofscarcitycanbeillustratedbyaNiceGuynamed Russell.
As a successful salesman, Russell earned a comfortable six-figure income. He
religiouslyputfortypercentofhistakehomepayintosavingsandinvestments.
Hekeptaminimumbalanceof$30,000inhischeckingaccount.Inspiteofhis
ability to create financial wealth, Russell was controlled by his deprivation
thinking.Russellwassoafraidoffinancialruinthathewouldnotallowhiswife
tobuya$9.00videoforhischildrenatCostcoifitwasn’tinthebudget.
Russell’s deprivation thinking in regard to money was a reflection of his
viewoftheworldingeneral.
Hisfatherwasmiserlyandrigid.HeseemedtosingleRusselloutforcritical
treatment,whileheapingpraiseandfavoronhistwobrothers.Later,beforehe
died,hisfathercutRusselloutofhiswillandgaveRussell’ssharetothechurch.
It is no wonder that Russell viewed the world through lenses clouded by
deprivation.
Whenwecometoseetheworldasaplaceofabundancewecometorealize
thatthereisplentyforeveryone.Everythingweneedisflowingbyus—allwe
havetodoisgetoutofthewayofourownsmallthinkingandletitcome.
Lookaroundatthewealth—thecarspeopledrive,thehousestheylivein,
thetripstheytake.Youcan’targuewiththesheermaterialabundancethatcan
becreatedinourworld.Ifotherpeoplearelivingfull,abundantlives,whynot
you?Remember,whatonemancandoanothermancando.
Ifonemancanmakeamilliondollars,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanstartthebusinessofhisdreams,whycan’tyou?
IfonemancandriveaMercedes,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanquitacrummyjobandfindabetterone,whycan’tyou?
Ifonemancanbeasnowboardinginstructor,whycan’tyou?
Unfortunately, the world can’t give us something that we’re not ready to
receive. Since deprivation thinking keeps a person holding tightly to what he
alreadyhas,thereisnoreceptivityforreceivingmore.
AsPhilfoundout,whenweaskforwhatwewant,andexpecttoreceiveit,it
willcomeonewayoranother.
BreakingFreeActivity#45
Setthisebookdownforafewmomentsandcloseyoureyes.Takeacouple
ofdeepbreathsandexhaleslowly.Clearyourmind.
Onceyouarerelaxed,pictureyourselflivinginanabundantworld.In
thisabundantworld,therearenorestraintsorlimitations.Goodthingsflow
pastyoucontinuously.Imagineeveryabundantthingyouhaveeverdesired
—car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenge.
Visualizeyourselflivingyourlifesurroundedbythisabundance.
Repeatthisvisualizationseveraltimesadayuntilitbeginstofeelrealto
you.Openyourarms,yourheart,andyourmind.Getoutoftheway,and
letithappen.
Get the Life You Want: The No More Mr. Nice Guy! Strategy For
Success
Nice Guys believe there is a set of rules that govern all behavior. They are
convincedthatiftheycanfigureouttheserulesandsuccessfullyabidebythem,
they will have a smooth, happy life. They also believe that there are dire
consequencesforfailingtodiscernandobeytheserules.
Discoveringpassionandpurposerequiresfiguringoutwhatworksandwhat
doesn’t. Mature, successful people establish their own rules. These rules are
measuredbyonlyonestandard:Dotheywork?
Over the years, the men in my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups have
discoveredanumberofrulesthatworkforthem.Theseruleshavehelpedthem
discover their passion and live up to their potential. These rules have helped
themcreatethekindoflifeandvocationtheyreallydesire.
BreakingFreeActivity#46
Readoverthelistofrulesbelow.Tryafewofthemonforsize.Addtothe
listyourownpersonalrules.Writetheserulesonnotecardsandputthem
whereyoucanseethemeveryday.
1. Ifitfrightensyou,doit.
2. Don’tsettle.Everytimeyousettle,yougetexactlywhatyousettledfor.
3. Putyourselffirst.
4. Nomatterwhathappens,youwillhandleit.
5. Whateveryoudo,doit100%.
6. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have
alwaysgot.
7. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs,
wants,andhappiness.
8. Askforwhatyouwant.
9. Ifwhatyouaredoingisn’tworking,trysomethingdifferent.
10. Beclearanddirect.
11. Learntosay«no.»
12. Don’tmakeexcuses.
13. Ifyouareanadult,youareoldenoughtomakeyourownrules.
14. Letpeoplehelpyou.
15. Behonestwithyourself.
16. Donotletanyonetreatyoubadly.Noone.Ever.
17. Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the
situationtochange.
18. Don’ttoleratetheintolerable—ever.
19. Stopblaming.Victimsneversucceed.
20. Livewithintegrity.Decidewhatfeelsrighttoyou,thendoit.
21. Accepttheconsequencesofyouractions.
22. Begoodtoyourself.
23. Think«abundance.»
24. Facedifficultsituationsandconflictheadon.
25. Don’tdoanythinginsecret.
26. Doitnow.
27. Bewillingtoletgoofwhatyouhavesoyoucangetwhatyouwant.
28. Havefun.Ifyouarenothavingfun,somethingiswrong.
29. Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning
experiences.
30. Controlisanillusion.Letgo;letlifehappen.
Itistimetostartgettingwhatyouwant.Breakingfreefromthe Nice Guy
Syndromewillallowyoutodiscoveryourtruepassionandpotential.Bytaking
responsibilityforcreatingthekindoflifeyoureallywant,youcanbecomeall
thatyouweremeanttobe.
Epilogue
I t took me six years to write this book. During this time I have worked with
countlessNiceGuysandtheirpartners.IhaveaveragedthreeNoMoreMr.Nice
Guy! men’s groups per week. In group time alone, that’s over 1,800 hours of
workingwith Nice Guys. Duringthis time I haveobserved many excitingand
profoundthings.
Ihave watchedcountlessmengo frombeinghelpless,passive,controlling,
andresentfulvictimstobecomingempowered,integratedmales.
IhaveseennumerousrelationshipsdramaticallyimproveandI’veseenjust
asmanydieanoverduedeath.
I’ve listened to unsolicited testimonials and read letters of gratitude from
bothmenandwomenaboutthechangestheyhaveexperiencedintheirlives.
Ihavereceivedresponsesfrommenandwomenallovertheworldwhohave
seenthemselvesorsomeonetheyloveinthedescriptionoftheNiceGuyonmy
website.
Based on observing all of these things, here is my greatest discovery: The
toolsandinsightspresentedinNoMoreMr.NiceGuy!work!
Having finished reading this book, I encourage you to start again at the
beginning. Take the time to do the Breaking Free exercises. If you have not
already done so, find a safe person or group to assist you on your journey of
recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If you are in a relationship, ask your
partnertoreadthebook.Sharewithhimorhertheinsightsyouarediscovering
aboutyourself.
Working the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. Nice Guy! is
oneofthegreatestgiftsyoucangiveyourselfandyourlovedones.Asyoulearn
toapproveofyourselfyouwilldiscoverwithinyouanunimaginableabilityto
loveandacceptloveandtolivelifetoitsfullest.Thiskindofexpansivenessis
initiallyfrightening,butitistheessenceofwhoyouareandwhatyouaremeant
tobe.
Withthisdiscoveryofyourtrueselfcomesunlimitedfreedom.Freedomto
bejustwhoyouare.Freedomtostopseekingapproval.Freedomtostartgetting
whatyouwant.
ROBERTGLOVER.Dr.Gloverisaninternationallyrecognizedauthorityonthe
Nice Guy Syndrome. He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been
featuredinnumerouslocalandnationalpublications.
Throughhisbook,onlineclasses,workshops,podcasts,blogs,consultation,and
therapy groups, Dr. Glover has helped change the lives of countless men and
womenaroundtheworld.
Asaresultofhiswork,Dr.GloverhashelpedthousandsofNiceGuystransform
from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along
with these personal changes have come similar transformations in these men's
professionalcareersandintimaterelationships.
